Amber and Lucas Taylor

Crazy Eyes

2014-01-24T19:03:00.000-07:00

Graham's first ever wet willie. He liked and hated it all at once. Also, yes, I submitted this to Ellen.

"You know how her mind works - it's like a mouse on a wheel except the wheel spins sideways and the mouse is blind and has a really bad sprained ankle."

2014-01-23T21:11:00.004-07:00

Sometimes when I tell stories of the way Lucas jokes around he sounds like a pretty big jerk. Luckily he's not and the way he laughs at his cleverness is the cutest thing ever. Here are two gems from today.

Butterface

Lucas is sitting on the couch and I walk in the room. He kinda motions at me and says, "I like your body."
Me: "Thanks"
Lucas (making a motion circling my face): "I mean your face is Meh...but that body.." (*Thumbs up*)

Literal Interpretation

Me: "Do you know how cute I thought it would be if we had a little girl next and she called Graham 'Gwaham"?
Lucas: "No I dont because I DONT know your THOUGHTS. So...No I didn't know how cute you thought it would be! (looks at me like I'm an idiot) So the answer to your question is NO."

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The whole family got sick this week. Graham got sick at church on Sunday and for the next three days it was coming out of both ends. Then yesterday Lucas and I were both sick and let me tell you, having a sick baby and being sick and having a sick husband makes for one pathetic sight. Our apartment was a wreck because everything we had to use was used but we didn't have the energy to put away and there were pillows and blankets and spit rags and bowls of uneaten soup everywhere. It was chaos. Then add that to Graham thinking his bedtime is 3am and we were a fussy bunch over here. Were feeling mostly better today.

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Have you seen the show "Traffic Light" on Netflix? Holy Smokes. We laughed SO much. It got cancelled after one season and, as Lucas puts it, it was a TV Tragedy. We're kinda obsessed with it and keep talking about it and then getting sad all over again that it was cancelled. Its so much better than Modern Family. I think it was just bad timing.

This gave me hope for netflix shows though, anything on Netflix we should watch? (We dont pay for cable or Hulu Plus, so Netflix is pretty much our only option)

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We took Graham to the Doctor's office today and he weighed 15 pounds.
This happened when setting the appointment:

Dr Office "And what is your baby's first and last name?"
Me: "Graham Taylor"
DO: "And what is your first and last name?"
Me: "Susan Taylor"
DO: "Okay"
Me: "I mean Amber. My name is Amber."
Lucas: "Wow"

Also, they put us in a room and forgot about us for an hour. Then the Doctor came in after Lucas went and reminded them we were there. She apologized while staring at the floor and explained that she had an "emergency". I think it was that her Lunch was in dire need of being eaten, but maybe I'm just still leftover fussy from last night.

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Cute+Cute+Cute

2014-01-20T20:01:00.001-07:00

Some of our best friends, Carrie and Scott, have decided to move to Colorado! We are SO excited! This last week Carrie flew in to Denver with their sweet little baby, Ruthie. (Future Mrs. Graham Taylor) We went to Colorado Springs to look at houses for their family and spent a few days together on the hunt. It was SO fun and good to see them. Ruthie and Graham were adorable together, it was a cuteness overload. We had a ton of fun and laughed a lot, and I wish I would have written down some of the awesome stuff we laughed at because we would have been hired as stand up comedians. Ruth is six weeks older than Graham, but she has bird bones and he is filled with cement. They make a cute pair. Also, how did I not know how cute Colorado Springs is?! Now I want to move there!

For the wedding video

Sweet little Ruthie was so cute and easy!

Carrie is a hot mama and looks like Rachel Weisz.

Graham had his first sick day. It's never good when more comes out of your baby than goes in, and it just breaks your heart. Luckily, he is getting back to normal, but seems to be grateful not to be sick anymore and has been so happy! Maybe the stomach bug is what he needed to get over his colic. (I dreamed a dream...) Also, moose and Graham had some good cuddles together, and a puppy cuddle makes everything better.

Lucas is hilarious today. Some of these things you would have to be here for them to be funny, but I want to remember them so I'm blogging it. I do what I want. mmmk?

I was sitting at the table holding Graham and Lucas was making dinner. Graham somehow slipped under my arm and bonked his head on the table. I feel terrible so I get up and go in the other room to kiss him and cuddle him. A few minutes later Lucas says from the kitchen, as if he has a great idea, "Honey! Do you want to come whack his head on a cabinet in here? You seem to be into that sort of thing..." I called him a brat and could hear him laughing at himself in the other room. :P

Just now Lou was back changing Graham's daiper. After a second I heard Lucas happily say, "YOU PEED IN YOUR PANTS! OH! You peed in your pants, Mr!" followed by major baby giggles that melt your heart. I went back to spy on them and it was so cute. One of the best parts of being a mom is honestly watching Lucas be a dad. I left them to their fun and a few minutes later Lucas came out and said, "Cutest five minutes of my life!"

I was really tired and was watching Graham have tummy time. He hasn't yet learned that he can use his arms for anything but he will lift himself up on his knees as if to crawl and then kinda slide on his chest. I said to Lucas, "LOU! Look at him! If he can learn to hold himself up with his arms and then use his knees he will be able to crawl!" to which Lucas smartly replied, "I think all babies do that." lol

Lucas has had so much fun with Graham just now and he was playing with him and then he said he needed to wash his hands so he handed the baby to me and then on his way back he sang, "I want my baby back baby back baby back! I want my baby back baby back baby back!" and he came and took him back.

I love my boys.

You win some you lose some

2014-01-10T20:31:00.002-07:00

My parents got Graham a teddy bear for Christmas. One day Moose saw it when I lifted it up to play with Graham after changing a diaper. He decided then that the bear was his greatest desire. He wants it with all of his heart. As often as he can, Moose goes back to the nursery to bark at the bear and jump up to see it on the dresser. I have not given it to him, but I have a feeling he won't give up the pursuit. I'll keep you updated on the progress of their relationship. Moose-0 Amber-1

Tonight, Lucas was sitting on the couch and I sat down on his lap and cuddled with him. Moose got jealous and happily hopped up to join us. We laughed and played with Moose for a second. When Moose hopped down I leaned forward and nibbled on Lucas' ear. He smiled and said, "Moose just licked that ear." uh. Moose-1 Amber-1

A good book (and videos!)

2014-01-08T23:09:00.003-07:00

There is a quote on my parent's fridge that says, "The years teach us much which the days never knew." I believe its a Ralph Waldo Emerson quote. I feel like at this stage in my life I am enjoying one of the years lessons, though I am sure there are things my current days wont understand until years down the road.
The quote always makes makes me think of our story.
I have this image of the book of my life, where the chapter on us becoming parents was long and hard to read. Sometimes I just wanted to throw the book away and yell "Who wrote this book?! Why is every page so hard to finish?!" Or I'm crying all over the pages hoping my tears will smear the words and change our story. But then you get to the part of the book where Graham enters our life, a tiny wiggling bean of a person, and suddenly I'm flipping pages as fast as I can because I just hope the chapter has a good ending. Then he's born and after years of forcing myself to read on or speed reading sections that hurt, or skimming hard chapters, I get to the part I've waited for. The page for September 12, 2013 just says, "He is here, and he was worth it."

Every day for the last four months the book was easy to read, it just says "Happiness" on every page.

So that's my weird reason for not blogging more. There are no words. The story is simple and short. I honestly pulled up the page to write a new blog about ten times and tried to write but the only thing I could think to write every time is "I love him." and then I miss him and get back to momming.
I'll try to start posting more, because I do believe details are important and I want to record more and share our miracle with our friends and family. I am just enjoying the fact that little things don't feel as important to write about when I'm so overwhelmed with love for our little boy. (Plus he is pretty colicky, and most of my time my arms are full and blogging isn't even on the radar.)

**If you have Instagram, you can follow me and get little picture and updates of what is going on with us. It's fast and easy and I love it. My username is AmbSueTay and you'll get way to many "InstaGraham" pictures of our little boy. **

Also, please enjoy this hilarious twelve second clip that I have watched 1,345,633,463 times and its still funny.

And this of Graham laughing at Moose

Details In The Fabric was my blog title a long long time ago. It's back for now. :)

Third

2013-10-28T18:38:00.002-06:00

You know what I like? Graham, Lucas, and I are all the third child. I think that's cool.

It's been a weird and great and hard week. My emotions are very close to the surface because I have been so happy all the time. However, it is because of this intense happiness that I have had moments revisiting the grief of losing Molly and Kellen.

The other day Graham smiled at me. (On purpose!) His first real smile and both Lucas and I were home and saw it. We were both laughing and cheering and we were so excited, leaving our hearts in puddles on the floor. Then, later that day, every time I thought about Graham's sweet smile I caught myself wishing so deeply that I had that amazing moment with my other two babies.

I feel robbed again. I just keep thinking back to the only time we had with them. I think of their perfect little faces. The smiles we are missing out on. The eyes we never saw. The better it gets with Graham, the more aware we are of the joy we missed out on with Molly and Kellen.

I love Graham so much, and a piece of me hoped he would join our family and I would feel whole again, that he would heal our broken hearts. Well, he healed a great portion of them and he is the light of our lives, but he is also the third child. The joy that he brings does not erase the pain we felt in the past, because it was real. Our other babies were really here and they are really gone now. He is the third and my heart still aches for my first and second.

Lucas said it's a little different for him. He said he feels so happy now. For him, the memory of those nights when we lost our children is less clear, he said it's hard to remember the pain.

For me, sometimes it's so fresh and I remember the feeling so clearly that it's as though it just happened. Yesterday was like that. At church there was a beautiful musical number, Abide With Me.
That song always reminds me of the feelings I had the nights we lost them. That I knew if I didn't have the Lord with me, I wouldn't make it through the night. I cried while I listened and stared at Graham. He is so perfect and wonderful. I love every second with him. I just ache for the moments I missed with his brother and sister. It is hard to keep learning exactly what we lost as we experience more joy with Graham. We are a family of five. I delight in all my children, and I feel sorrow that nobody knows, when they look at us, that Graham is the third.

Today isn't as hard already, I'm feeling lots of happiness again. I guess grief is like that. You never know when you will revisit the hard days. I'm glad the hard days still come, and I'm glad that in the morning it hurts less. We keep learning more about ourselves and how we handle being the parents with lost children. I'm going to go cuddle my cute boy. I love him so much.

Two minutes of sleepy baby face. Jump to :35 to start the baby smiles :)

Mom behavior

2013-10-21T21:54:00.001-06:00

I have a camera that is supposed to take nice pictures but they always end up grainy or off colored, so I just use my iphone for all picture/video taking. Can you please tell me, all you ladies with beautiful photos, what camera you are using?? Also, is it huge? Do you just always keep a huge camera with you at all times to capture all these sweet moments? I dream of a small camera that takes gorgeous photos. Any help here?

Graham will be six weeks old this week. It is amazing how much faster six weeks goes by when he's here and I'm not scared and pregnant. It has been an amazing six weeks, lack of sleep and all. I love this little man, every single thing about him.

The other day I sang the entire Jason Mraz MR. A-Z album in the shower, not to the actual music. I had it memorized, and I'm pretty sure I even sang the songs in the correct order. I listened to it enough when it came out that it was like one long song, without thinking I would end one song and start singing the next one because I didn't feel done. Maybe that's really sad, but maybe it's also awesome.

Lucas and I catch ourselves swaying back and forth whenever we are standing still. Its really cute when I see Lucas do his baby-less dad sway just by habit.

We took Moose to the groomer today, I felt guilty from the moment we dropped him off. I just feel bad, like I'm being a huge jerk dropping him off at this place where I know he'll be scared and angry and put in a kennel. (We have never made Moose sleep in or stay in a kennel because I think it's mean. We did one time on vacation and I cried.) I know they aren't mean to him there or anything, but I still feel bad because I know how much he hates it. At least he looks awesome now, they did a great job.

I teared up watching Indianapolis' warm welcome to Peyton Manning during the broncos game the other day. Was I the only one? It was very touching.

I feel weird when I'm not holding Graham. I sit in the backseat with him when Lucas drives just because I want to be as close to him as possible all the time. I bet he will love that kind of mom behavior when he gets older.

Thought dump

2013-10-19T11:34:00.001-06:00

I know it's probably a love bias, but I think I have the cutest baby in the world.

I kept trying the cloth diapers and they aren't so bad actually. I like them well enough and will keep using them when I am just hanging out at home. The satisfaction comes with knowing we are saving money every time I put him in cloth and that his little tush is cozy. However, I have found that when he is in cloth and he goes #2, I catch myself sighing and a tiny piece of me thinks, Boo Hiss. Its getting better though.

I'm not that into Halloween this year. I'm loving fall and the smells and the cool air, but for some reason I can't get into the ~~werewolf bar mitzvah~~ spooky scary part of the year. I think it's because it takes too much energy and I'm pretty sleep deprived.

Baby weight is much more stubborn the third time around. I am ten pounds away from my pre-third-pregnancy weight and a dream away from my pre-any-pregnancy body. BUT, next week I should be allowed to work out again, and I'm excited! I was hoping nursing would help out with the bounce back, since I didn't get to nurse the last two times, but so far it's not proving to be a weight loss trick.

Lucas and I have decided that when the time comes we will be homeschooling our kiddos. The public school system is no longer a place I would want to send my kids to be taught. I'm excited about this decision and I'm hoping by then I'll have made some friends with babies the same ages and we can do a homeschool group. I know this is about 5 years down the road, but this was a big decision.

I'm going to start doing a Project Life rip-off scrapbook for Graham. I am not going to pay for their pre-made cards because I have lots of supplies to make my own and I'm cheap. However, I did by knock off page protectors and I can print my own journalling cards and use what I have to make it cool. I'm excited to get started. (I'm still not done with Kellens book, or even close, so I'll have to balance both)

I dont know if I mentioned here, but we were asked to wait until Graham is six months old to become foster parents. So in 5 more months we will put our application back in to foster to adopt. It was actually quite a blow to be told to wait because we were so excited to be through all the training and having our homestudy, but I know why they told us to give it time. Plus, I'd be a liar if I said I wasn't loving me one-on-one time with our miracle baby.

The people in the condo below us are really nice, but I want them to move away. They have two boxers that they never walk, so they get whiney and barky during the day, they bark at everything and sometimes I think they just bark because they aren't allowed outside to run off energy. I feel horrible for these pups. Second reason I want them to move is because they chain smoke like they are paid to do it. (the people, not the dogs- noduh) We have to keep the doors and windows closed all the time because around the clock, about every hour or so, the lovely scent of cheap cigarettes flows up and into our house. Even though I love the quick mental flash to Six Flags, I do hate the smell and hate it in my house, especially now that Graham is here. We have to strategically time our balcony use to fit around their addiction, and I hate it. At least they have this ~~fancy~~ ash ~~tray~~ pot.

Moose has been so cute with Graham since he joined the family. He is very very protective and every couple hours he comes to find Graham, and wants to sniff him or lick his head. He makes sure he is fine and then goes back to his doggy day. When people he doesn't know come over, Moose with stand between them and the baby, and he will bark at them if they pick Graham up until I tell him that they are an approved baby-holder. Here is a video from this morning of Moose trying to play with Graham, its the cutest thing ever.

And here is Graham right now:

Be still, my heart.

Cloth diaper adventures 1

2013-10-09T14:46:00.002-06:00

Having a newborn is just as exhausting as people say it is. TV shows aren't lying when they show new parents showing up a disheveled mess with bags under their eyes. But it's cool, I can't honestly say that I mind sweatpants and ponytails.
I got a good deal on some G diaper brand cloth diapers. We put Graham in them after he was home a week. You know, when the black tar poop was finally gone. I was really excited to cloth diaper, I actually stayed home from going out before Graham was born to organize and clean and admire the ones I bought. Weird maybe, but I have spent hours researching diapers and was excited to try something and save money.
So after a few days with Graham in the diapers, Lucas, who is kindly trying to go along with it, came home from work and as he picked up Graham he says, "So.... are we still cloth diapering?!" hahaha, I could hear the hope in his voice that I would say, "No because I hate it! NEVER AGAIN!" But I said, "yes."
There is a different style of diaper for newborns with the brand I bought, called the tiny gpant. (see the picture below) Its for babies under 10 pounds. So We tried them first. One day, we went back into the nursery with a poopy diaper and changed Graham. I had heard they leaked if they were on tight, so we put it loosely around his waist. With his new clean diaper on (HOLY SMOKES CUTE) we came out to the kitchen to eat dinner with my mom, who had come to stay with us the first week and help out.

After a few minutes, Lucas suddenly goes, "Look at Graham's feet! Oh my gosh!" I look over and Grahams feet are hanging out from under a blanket and they are both dark purple, almost black. We all jump up and rush him over to the couch, remove the blanket and see that his legs are both turning black all the way up to the diaper. We immediately take the diaper off and Grahams legs instantly start to go back to a pink fleshy color. It was horrible and scary. I mean, what if we had put him under a blanket completely or put him in the mamaroo and he had napped? I hate to think about it. So we decided not to use those diapers ever again.
For the next two weeks we used disposable diapers, and I'm glad about it because Graham is a poop machine. If I'm being honest I think we change about 14 to 15 diapers a day and probably 12 of those are poopy. Well today I tried the next size up of g diapers since Graham is close to 10 pounds now and they are made differently than the newborn g-pant. Graham fits in them well and they are seriously the cutest thing I've ever seen. Unfortunately, the liners are already staining and 4 of the 5 diapers I have changed have leaked because the design is kinda silly. Soooo yeah, I'm thinking I might sell these diapers on craigslist. Not a g diaper fan in real life. The only pro I'm finding so far is that they are adorable. Anyone want to try them, maybe they would fit better on a baby with a different build..?
I think I will try the charlie banana brand diapers next, however my cloth diaper excitement has taken a serious hit. Also, my washing machine takes FOREVER even just to do a rinse cycle so the amount of time it takes to clean the diapers is ridiculous. I wont give up yet.... right? Bah.
Also, we dont have a toilet sprayer because...hello $$$$, so I'm having to rinse the inserts in less than pleasant way and Lucas doesn't complain even though I know he is disgusted.

Graham's Newborn Photos

2013-10-04T21:06:00.000-06:00

I spent 2 hours making a slideshow on a site that claimed it was free, but then it wouldn't let me save the slideshow or post it here unless I paid $50. Not doing that. On the bright side, Graham is adorable.

Photos by Kristen Pierson Photography

A cheesy but heartfelt thank you!

2013-09-25T14:30:00.002-06:00

I have everything I have ever wanted.
I always wanted a dream husband who made me laugh, who gave me butterflies, who I would miss when he was away, who I looked up to, and who was my best friend. CHECK!
I have always wanted to be a mom, I wanted to hold my child in my arms and feel as though my heart is outside of my chest because it is with my children. CHECK CHECK CHECK
I wanted to kiss tiny newborn cheeks, calm a baby's cry, cuddle, sing, rock, teach, play, and know that I am trying my very best from day one to be the best mom I can be. CHECK and HAPPILY IN PROGRESS.
I have always loved, wanted, and needed good friends. Wanted to have people who I would do anything for and who are there for me in good times and bad. CHECK

I am happier every day than I was the day before, and I am happier than I have ever been.

I miss Molly and Kellen just like always, but I can miss them now from a place that is less lonely. Graham looks so much like them that I almost feel like I can hold all three of my babies when I hold him. He also has a look all his own, and I can stare at his perfect face for hours (and do).

I don't know how I got to be so lucky. I almost feel guilty posting about how wonderful and complete I feel, because not everyone is so lucky. However, I would be ungrateful not to thank all who have been such a large part of our journey.

Thank you to everyone who sent prayers to heaven for us and for our babies.
Thank you to everyone who gave us gifts filled with love, your time, and your support.
Thank you for the meals, flowers, and cards.
Thank you for every kind message you have sent, every email, facebook comment, blog comment, "like" etc. (we read every single comment and appreciate each one!)
Thank you for every thought, worry, and happiness you have felt for us.
Thank you for remembering our babies.
Thank you for checking back to see how we are doing.
THank you for sharing in our sorrow and today in our joy!

I have been so affected and touched by your love, and I really feel that the prayers of so many of you are part of what gave us our miracle and have brought us such happiness. I feel like he is a prayer baby, he is a blessing and a gift and he made it here thanks to the prayers of many. One of our greatest gifts is also all of you wonderful friends, some we know personally and others who heard our story and support us constantly.
((( Consider yourself hugged!)))

THANK YOU!

Graham's Birthday

2013-09-19T09:27:00.000-06:00

After watching the long anticipated 36 week mark come and go, then waiting for our little guy’s lungs to develop day after day, it became hard to believe that the moment we would meet our son would ever arrive. Logically we knew that I would not be pregnant forever, but the reality of getting to bring him home couldn’t feel real. It began to seem certain that we were going to always just come close to getting our children, but would be constantly forced to wait. We would spend a lifetime waiting.

So when Wednesday night came, I lay in bed too excited to fall asleep. I sent a text message to my mom: “I’m sooooooo excited!!!!!!!!!”

Mom: “I know, me too! I’m supposed to be asleep so I can get up for seminary, but who can sleep at a time like this?”

Me: “Seriously! It’s pointless to try. I prefer to lay here and just smile until my face hurts”

I text her and stared at the ceiling trying to imagine where I would be in 24 short hours, my mind always jumping to the moment when Lucas would see our baby and finally get to hold him. I looked forward to seeing Lucas hold the baby just as much or more than I looked forward to holding him myself. When I finally fell asleep it was with sore cheeks and a wet pillow. My daydreams often make me cry because just imagining seeing my baby open his eyes was enough to get the water flowing.

Unfortunately, Lucas had to work on Thursday morning tying up some loose ends for some services he is arranging. So, we got up, he got ready for work, and I ate a small breakfast. I was surprised how very normal the day felt even though I knew this was the day we had waited for so long. I have been pregnant for over 24 months in the last three years and this was the day that I would finally get to hold my baby and not have to say ‘Goodbye’. It still was so unreal, so we just went about the morning as we would have any other day.

While Lucas was at work, I cleaned the apartment a little more, re-packed our hospital bags, took Moose to my in-laws to be babysat while we are at the hospital, surfed the internet, and called our realtor. In the middle of all of this baby craziness, our lease ended on our condo and our landlord basically told us we need to buy it or move. I do not intend on moving, and since we love our condo we decided to buy it. So when Lucas got home around lunchtime we had a quick second to make sure for a final time that we had everything we needed and Lucas loaded the car.

Our realtor showed up and went over a bunch of contracts with us and we submitted an offer on the condo. After she left, we grabbed our phones and keys, locked the door, and headed to the hospital. I took this extremely unflattering picture because I knew it was important but it felt too normal to be this huge moment. I was pretty darn excited though, guarded but excited.

It was pouring rain for days and the 12^th was no exception. Many of the cities around us were flooded, there was damage from flooding through much of Denver. We drove carefully through the rain into the city to get to the hospital. We talked a little bit, and I would go through cycles of giggling and yelling “I’m SO EXCITED!” and then five minutes later I would realize how scared I was for the baby’s lungs and that something would go wrong and I would stare out the window and hold Lucas’ equally nervous hand.

We arrived at the hospital at 2:30, walked through the parking garage, ran through the rain into the hospital, and waited to meet up with one of my best friends, Kristen, who we were going to try to get into the operating room to photograph it. We had to be to Labor and Delivery by 3:00. Kristen arrived just a minute after us, and we walked from the emergency room waiting area, down a couple hallways and up an elevator to get to check-in.

I gave my sister permission to update my facebook and let people know that the baby was expected at 5:00pm and keep people updated. I hadn’t realized that when I told people the 12^th, they would start watching their clocks at about 7:00 am and hitting refresh on my blog and facebook just waiting for an announcement. I failed to post the time of the scheduled surgery. All day people were sending us such kind messages and wishing us good luck and love.

After a little while a nurse came back to get us and take us back to get hooked up to a monitor, check both my vitals and the baby’s vitals, get me into a hospital robe, fill out more paperwork, meet the nurses and anesthesiologists, get hooked up to an IV, and wait. Our doctor, Dr. Larma, was driving to the hospital from a clinic across town and was going to have to battle the flooding and resulting traffic, so we worried he might not make it.

A couple weeks earlier, Lucas and I had toured the hospital with a nurse named Ilze (ELSA) and she was the same nurse that hooked us up and went over the plan with us. We talked to her for quite a while as she hooked us up to a heart monitor. We spent the time between getting put in the prep room and going to surgery listening to the steady swish of our baby’s heart for the last time.

Since I had fasted all day for surgery I was pretty dehydrated, so the monitor also showed that I was having contractions at about every 4-6 minutes. They were beginning to become painful, but nothing like I imagine labor contractions probably are. After they had the IV put awkwardly on my wrist bone and taped in the weirdest way possible, they began pumping fluids into me and the contractions slowed a little bit.

Lucas sat in the chair next to me and Kristen sat in a chair against the same wall. I explained to the nurse that our doctor was okay with her coming in to take pictures, but that we were hoping to talk to the anesthesiologist before surgery to see if he would be okay with her coming in too. She gave us a familiar response of doubting it would be allowed, but told us we could talk to him when he came in to get some forms signed and walk me through the procedure and possible side effects.

Soon nurse Ilze brought Lucas in some scrubs and told him that soon he would need to put them on, he would be covered from head to toe. I had another robe to put on backwards, hiding my exposed backside for our walk to the OR, and a blue cap to cover my hair in the OR. They didn’t bring anything for Kristen, and I got really bummed.

Months ago I decided that I wanted to have the delivery photographed. I have waited for this day and I wanted it documented. I would also give anything to have the moment we meet our baby preserved for us to remember and see again after I’m not drugged and high on emotion, possibly clouding my memory. I wanted to remember Lucas’ face and joy when he sees our baby. So I was ready to fight for this. I emailed our surgeon months in advance and he told me he was cool with her being in the OR but that he was just one person out of a whole team of people who would need to approve.

So, when they didn’t bring Kristen scrubs it hit me that it was really hard to get visitors brought it for such a serious surgery, and I was pretty bummed. When I wasn’t paying attention Ilze left the room and was gone for a while, left us waiting in anticipation to meet more people. Ilze came back in the room with something in her hands and said, “I made your case to the anesthesiologists and everyone has agreed to let Kristen come take pictures! They all understood your story and knew this was a special situation.” She handed Kristen some scrubs. I was beyond thrilled and started to tear up again. I loved Ilze in that moment.

After more waiting, our families started to show up. In the next half hour or so our tiny prep room was filled with Sarah and Nathan with their baby Shelby, Hayley and her fiancé, Ian, My parents, Lucas’ parents, Emily, Jonni, Kristen, Lucas, and me and soon everybody got shooed out so nurses could come get me to finish prepping.

In a few minutes our surgeon, having safely arrived, peeked his head into the prep room and said hello. He was so excited for us and said something like, “We made it here guys!” We talked a bit, thanked him for helping us get to this point, and then he went to go scrub in. We were minutes away from our scheduled 5:00 delivery. I was getting increasingly anxious, and Lucas was so nervous it was hard for him to be excited. He was feeling shaky and lightheaded and had some of our family go get him some food. He told me that he was so nervous that our boy would not be okay and he was scared for him. He said he knew he wouldn’t be able to relax until he heard him cry.

When our nurse came back in I thought she was going to tell us it was time to walk to the OR, but instead she said, “Looks like we’re still waiting.” I was confused but our Dr. came in and said, “Looks like another baby is in distress and we got bumped from the OR. We will have to wait until the team is free again. Sorry!” So even though they had unhooked the monitors, they hooked me back up and I got comfy in the prep room again. Waiting again. Always more waiting. Our patience was going to be tested to the last second.

We visited with our families for another 45 minutes to an hour and then finally I saw Lucas walk by the room towards someone in the family and saying, “It’s go time!” Some people cheered, but my heart about stopped. I froze and couldn’t even smile. I was suddenly super nervous about getting cut open and being awake for it. I have never been awake for an entire c-section, and my only memory I have of the surgery is from Molly’s when they started cutting me open with no medication because it was such an emergency to get her out. At this point, I was simultaneously terrified and overjoyed.

Our family gathered out into the hallway, and Lucas and I walked back to the OR with Kristen following behind. I lost track of where she was for a while. Before the OR section doors closed I said to my family, “I’ll see you when I have a baby!” and heard someone say, “YAY!”

In the operating room a team of people in surgical masks and blue from head to toe greeted us. The anesthesiologist had Lucas wait in a seat where he couldn’t see me while they gave me the spinal. They didn’t want him to pass out from watching the needle going into my spine. Meanwhile they walked me around the operating table and had me sit on the side of it with my back exposed. I’m not sure exactly how it works, but after rubbing something on my back then injecting some numbing stuff into the area, which burned like the dickens, they gave me a spinal.

Only seconds after they finished, the tops of my legs and my bum started tingling and going numb so the team helped me to lay down and get situated on the table. A towel and sheet were hung up in front of me and I could feel them beginning to prep for the surgery, putting things on and around my belly. The anesthesiologist would take a cold swab and rub in on my shoulder, then my upper belly, then my lower belly and then my upper thigh and say, “Cold or Pressure?” and I would tell him which I felt.

He did it a few times until all I could feel was pressure. They checked that I couldn’t wiggle my toes, and then I believe they started rubbing sanitizing stuff on my belly and starting the procedure.

Lucas was sitting at my head, and I kept looking at him. It was so amazing to finally have him in the room for this. When I pictured the actual procedure, I remembered the giant circular lights on swinging arms above the operating table. The lights were so huge and make you feel tiny and fragile beneath them. As I looked at the lights, I suddenly started to panic. I was no longer here, about to deliver our third baby.

I began to panic because I was back on the operating table in Rexburg, Idaho. All the emotions of being alone and being terrified and feeling like my baby was dying inside of me were coming back. Even though I could not feel the operation starting behind the giant sheet, my body felt the panic as if I was about to feel a blade slice me open. I began to cry, I thought I was going to explode and I could no longer handle the fear. It was almost an out of body panic that I was feeling. I knew that I was okay. I knew that our baby was in no known danger, but emotionally I was on the operating table re-living the worst moments of my life.

I looked at Lucas and he immediately noticed the fear in my eyes. Lucas told me that he knew that only he could tell how I was feeling right then. He said there was pure terror in my eyes and he could tell that I was so on the border of losing control of myself and of the moment from fear. He was worried I was going to lose it. He tried to re-focus me and get me back. With one hand he stroked my face trying to calm me.

I looked into Lucas’ face and felt his gentle touch. I used his face, remembering that he couldn’t be there before and this was a different, happier time. I stared at him until I felt my heart slow down and I was able to calm back down and remember that we were about to meet our baby. I thought of Lucas’ hand in mine, and hearing that beautiful baby cry until I was no longer afraid. Just as I calmed down, Lucas got scared because it felt like they were taking forever.

Through the surgery we kept hearing Dr. Larma saying things like “cut here through this scar tissue” “Remove this section of scar tissue” “Hold this.” “Pull here.” It was crazy to not be able to feel anything but to feel pressure where they worked with no pain. At one point I thought I couldn’t breath and they did something with the medicine and that feeling went away. At another point I got really cold, and they did something and I felt warm again.

Lucas and I kept looking at each other and saying, “He’s almost here! He’s almost here!” Finally Dr. Larma said, “Lucas, if you stand up you can see him coming!” Lucas stood up, and I stared up at his face, watching for the moment he saw our baby.

Finally, I see tears fill Lucas’ eyes and he gasps, a second later I hear the most beautiful sound in the world, the perfect cry of our baby.

I have never felt a joy so great! I didn’t know happiness like that was possible. Lucas said, “Oh babe, he’s so cute!” I could see the relief in Lucas’ face as he heard that sweet cry. He had been terrified that when the baby was born something would be wrong with his lungs and he would be rushed away to the NICU. But when the baby started to cry a steady, loud, and beautiful cry, he finally felt relief. He cried tears of joy! They told me to look to the left and then the surgeon held up a squirmy perfect little baby for me to see. He was beautiful, a perfect little boy.

I cried so hard. I remember saying, “He’s here! He’s here! He made it!”

The joy didn’t go away as people rushed about and the baby cried and cried, it grew and grew. Lucas had tears soaking his mask, and I was crying the happiest of tears.

The baby was taken over to a little warming bed where a small group of people from the NICU dried him off and tried to “pink him up”. They said he looked good though, but didn’t pink up quite as fast as they would like. Dr. Larma leaned around the sheet by my head and said, “Those don’t sound like immature Lungs to me!”

Lucas stood by them and watched them with him. He heard me ask, “Where is the baby? Can I see him?” and he stepped back over to me and said, “We are just waiting for him to get a little more pink and we’ll bring him over!” I could tell by the look on his face that the baby looked great and Lucas was so happy.

A moment later one of the NICU nurses walked over and brought our bundled little boy over to me. They handed him to me. I finally held my baby. I don’t really remember crying, I don’t remember anything but complete joy, a rush of relief, and the heaviness of grief lightened and my previous emptiness being suddenly full of immense love.

I looked into our sweet boy’s face as I held him, and he opened his eyes as he cried. I never saw my other babies’ eyes, and I was overwhelmed. I think I was saying things, maybe even praying out ‘thank yous’’, but I honestly can’t remember what was said by anyone. I was in my own world with my small family, all of us finally together and happy.

After my arms got tired from holding him up they handed him to Lucas. I was amazed to feel my level of joy increase even more as I watched the man I love holding our baby for the first time. Lucas was crying, his face mask getting soaked. He stared into the face of our perfect baby, and held his tiny head in his hands. Watching them was the best feeling.

We took turns holding him and talking about how happy we were for about 40 or so more minutes while they stitched me up. At one point the Dr. had Kristen take a picture of my uterus to show me that it is in fact heart-shaped, which explains baby always being on the same side.

Once I was all stitched up the sheet was taken down and the team of people helped to slide me over to another hospital bed. Once secure there, they put baby back in my arms and wheeled us all over to the recovery area.

Once we were in the recover room, Lucas went to talk to our families. He walked down the hall and into the waiting area. As soon as they saw him enter the room they all started to cheer and clap for him. He said he just stood there smiling, our families were crying and celebrating. Later he said that was one of his favorite parts of the day. He told them that the baby was perfectly healthy and would not need any time in the NICU. He was breathing with strong lungs and both mom and baby were healthy and happy.

My mom and sister have since told me that when Lucas came into the room he was shining with happiness. They said it was like the room was dimly lit and he came in with the hugest smile on his face, and he was so happy it was like he literally lit the room up. My mom said his joy was one of the sweetest things she has ever seen.

Two by two, our family came to meet the baby, each of them getting time to meet him and hold him. They hugged us and talked with us. At some points the nurses came to push on my belly and check my incision. Mostly the time was spent with our loved ones celebrating that our baby finally made it into our arms.

After a couple of hours, they wheeled my bed over to the Mom /Baby area and gave us a huge room where we got settled. Families said goodbye and headed home.

Later during our stay at the hospital one of the nurses said this to me, “Everyone keeps calling you ‘The Happiest Mom’. We have never seen anyone so happy! I’m pretty sure that your family had every person in that operating room crying!”

Then Dr. Larma came to see us and said, “Last night my wife wanted to go out and I told her that I just couldn’t do it because I was emotionally exhausted. I told her that your delivery was the most touching delivery of my entire career. It was a pleasure to be a part of it. We were all in tears. That was the reason that I do this job.” He teared up as he spoke.

On Friday my brother Steven and his family drove from Utah and came to meet us at the hospital. They brought balloons and took turns holding the baby. We are so thankful that both Steven and Sarah and their families drove to be with us.

We named our son Graham Matthew Taylor the next day. Matthew means “Gift From God”, and we know that he is the best gift we’ll ever know. His healthy lungs were a miracle. His making it to us is a gift of God. We feel like the luckiest people in the world to be blessed to have him.

Graham was born at 7:02 pm on September 12, 2013. He weighed 7lbs 2 oz and was 19’’ long. He looks a lot like both of his siblings, but we think he looks more like Molly. He also looks a lot like Lucas’ baby pictures, but with my eyes.

We are so happy in love.

**All pictures taken by Kristen Pierson**

INTRODUCING...

2013-09-14T22:23:00.002-06:00

GRAHAM MATTHEW TAYLOR

GRAHAM

BORN AT 7:02PM ON SEPTEMBER 12, 2013

7 POUNDS 2 OUNCES

19'' LONG

HEALTHY. HANDSOME. HERE.

Graham didn't need any time in the NICU. His lungs were perfect. He is perfect.

We will share his amazing birth story and pictures soon.

In the meantime, we're enjoying time with our little miracle.

<3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3

2013-09-11T14:53:00.002-06:00

ONE DAY. ONE DAY.
BEYOND EXCITED!!!!

It almost doesn't feel real. It is hard to convince ourselves that this can really happen. But in 24 hours I will be at the hospital and we will finally hold our son. My heart can't comprehend the joy we will feel, we've never been this close with this much hope. I'm so excited I feel like I could burst!

AAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!

Baby boy is on his way!

ONE MORE DAY!!!!!!!

I may have mentioned this before, but Lucas had a dream about baby boy. He was holding him and looked into his face. He had blue eyes that looked exactly like Lucas'. He said it was the coolest thing. Anyway, a couple days later we got Panda Express for dinner and Lucas got this fortune in his fortune cookie:

and I got this:

ONE MORE DAY!!!

Inspired by A New Friend

2013-09-09T20:46:00.000-06:00

We had a cool experience tonight.

Lucas and I were walking Moose on our regular path through the neighborhood to a nearby park. At the top of a hill we turned from a main road onto a side street, and about 15 feet ahead of us was a blind mind walking in the street, close to the curb. He had a guide stick and would swing it in front of him as he walked. He was using it to keep himself close to the curb. There was a sidewalk on the other side of the street, and we had seen him there before, but this time he was in the road which was unusual.

I called out to him, "Hello!"
He slowed his walk, continuing to tap his walking stick on the curb to make sure he knew where he was standing. He replied, "Hi, how are you?"
We said, "We are good, thanks. How are you?"
He answered, "Good! Is this Dry Creek Rd?"
We were a block away from Dry Creek, and Lucas replied, "No, this is Xanthia." and I said, "The street ahead is Yosemite. If you turn right at the corner, the next intersection would be Dry Creek."
He looked assured, smiled, and said "Thank you!"
We passed him, walking in the grass. He was close to the corner now, but Lucas turned and watched him for a second and called back, "Hey, would you like us to help you find your way somewhere?"
The blind man looked relieved and affirmed that he would appreciate that.

We turned around and walked beside him back up the hill, when we got the intersection he came to stand close to us and was no longer in the road.
"I'm Neil" He said.
Lucas introduced himself and shook Neil's hand. As I said, "I'm Amber," Neil took his hand and reached it to the wrong side of Lucas to shake my hand. I grabbed it and shook his hand.
When the light told us we could cross the street, we stepped off the curb. I was impressed to see how he used his stick to know just when to step up onto or down off of a curb. At first he started walking into the middle of the intersection, so I walked next to him, grabbed his arm and helped steer him in the direction of the crosswalk.
As we walked the block to where he wanted us to lead him, we talked about the neighborhood where we both live. We agreed it is a wonderful place to live, and he said he had been here about a year and a half now.

As I watched him use his guiding stick to find another curb to step down, I asked him, "Is it hard to learn to use that?"
Neil said, "Yes. Actually it was quite difficult. See, I've been completely blind for about nine years now."
"Nine years?" I said, "Wow... Do you mind if I ask what caused it?"
He said, "Not at all. It's actually an amazing story."
Lucas and I were quiet, listening to him as we walked.
Neil continued, "See about nine years ago I was quite depressed. I was having a really hard time. I tried to commit suicide actually."
"I'm so sorry. I am glad we got to meet you." I said. I felt a little bad that I had asked him to tell his story, but he seemed more than happy to share and he continued.
"Thank you, I am glad too. So I put a nine millimeter to my right temple, and I pulled the trigger. It is a miracle that I'm still alive, that I'm even here. I've been blind since that day. So there is a reason that I'm still alive. There is also a reason that I'm blind!" He was so happy as he told us this, smiling as he walked.
I said, "Wow, what a miracle!"
Lucas said,"That's amazing that you can look at it like that. Some people would go the other way."
As we got to the corner where he would no longer be lost he replied to Lucas, "Thank you. The only real disability is a bad attitude!"
We agreed, amazed by this man. We asked if he would like us to walk him the rest of the way home, he said he knew where he was now and thanked us for helping him get there. We said goodbye, and watched him walk down the street. We turned around at the corner, amazed at his strength and his good attitude.

Later on our walk, we ran into him again in the neighborhood, we had gone two different directions on a circle. He knew where he was and was headed towards his house. What a blessing that we got to meet Neil right now. The way this man looks at his own tragic story is full of gratitude and he shared that with us right away and so happily. Meeting Neil tonight was amazing.

A little dose of perspective can do wonders.

Answered Prayers

2013-09-06T23:08:00.001-06:00

Yesterday we felt pretty hopeless, I'll be honest. But in the last 24ish hours, we've heard from so many wonderful friends, family and even strangers telling me that they are praying for us. I saw my blog referred to asking people who don't even know us to please pray for our baby boy. We were so touched (No surprise here, it made me cry) Then last night, as I'm being overwhelmed with kindness, prayers already started to be answered.

We were ready to go to bed, sure that we had over two weeks to wait, and feeling completely discouraged. Then out of nowhere the Doctor called me. He said that he had a client who's twin babies lungs kept testing immature also, but still, quite a bit more mature than ours. He said that just that evening (as the prayers were flooding in), a second type of test on another client of his came back mature even after multiple immature results.

Usually, to order this secondary test, you needed at least a 31 on the first one. We scored a 22.
But the Doctor just felt that he should send ours for the secondary test, just in case. The chances were nearly impossible that it would say mature, but he wanted to try. We agreed.

We waited all day, clinging to our last hope of trying to have our baby out as soon as possible, and finally safe and in our arms. (We will NEVER learn not to hope, I guess. And I guess I'm glad about this.)

Finally, around 4 the doctor called with the results.

There were two additional tests done. One of them came back immature, but the other came back mature.

He said that this result gave us some wiggle room, and it showed his lungs were borderline instead of super immature. Some fast progress! He said he showed the results to the entire specialist team and they all agreed on a delivery at 38 weeks instead of waiting until 39!

We scheduled the official time for the delivery of our perfect little boy. He will be born on Thursday the 12th!!! (our 38 week mark was actually on Friday the 13th-haha- but the doctor chose to use one ultrasound date from early on that would make our due date one day earlier. )

NO MORE TESTS! ONE ENTIRE WEEK LESS TO WAIT! Our baby is coming in 5 days and 18 hours (but who's counting? Us. You bet we are) And the best news, HIS LUNGS SHOULD BE FINE!

Thank you for your prayers. There is no reason that the doctor should have ever sent off for that test, and based on the proof we had, we thought there was no way he would test mature. But the doctor did, and the lungs tested well, and now baby is coming sooner than we thought.

Thank you for your prayers and faith, my friends!

No no no no no

2013-09-05T16:01:00.001-06:00

We got an amnio test done today. We were pretty excited this morning, re-packed our hospital bags just in case, and accidentally left about 40 minutes early because I was so antsy. On the way Lucas grabbed my hand and said, "Do you think this could be it?!"
I have tried to keep myself from getting to hopeful and excited about what day the baby is coming. Our plans ALWAYS get derailed. It seems I am always close enough to having a baby that I believe it's really happened for me, and then somehow it all comes crashing down.

But when he said that I let myself hope.

Our last test was a week ago and little boy tested at a 10 and needs a minimum of 50 in order to be delivered. However, there is a backup test they give when our score reaches anywhere from 31-49, and if that is positive then they can still deliver. They guess that babies get 2 points a day, and then with steroid shots we can expect another 10-20 points.

We had the shots, so I guessed that put us at 25ish, then with 8 days gone, thats another 16 or so, so we would be in the low 40's. That is pretty close to the 50 mark, and the backup test would have a really good chance of being positive. I let myself believe that today could be the day.

The amnio test went great, easy and painless, baby looked great, his heart and measurements are all perfect. We just needed the lung test to come back with high numbers. We were ready for our miracle.

Our doctor didn't want us to wait at all for the test so he ran the fluid to the lab himself right after doing the procedure, then ran back and said it would be a few hours before we had results but that he told them to rush the test and call him immediately with the results.

Lucas and I decided not to leave downtown Denver, in case the test was mature, then we would go right to the hospital and have a baby! We walked around a park downtown and held hands and were feeling really happy and content.

We decided, after watching the clock tick by slowly, to drive home (use some time) and if he calls us with the results and we have to rush to the hospital that is fine too, we would have to wait for an open OR anyway, so we would have time. It's only a 1/2 hour drive. So we started driving home. As I was calculating that it would be about 2 hours until the results were in, my phone rang.

I answered hopeful, but could tell immediately it was not good news by the tone of my Dr.'s voice.

The test came back at a 22. Even with steroid shots to help his lungs, and over a week, they only went up 12 points. TWELVE! How?!?!

I'm 37 weeks tomorrow, and they say that about 90 percent of babies have fully mature lungs by this point. But not ours, our baby needs more time, and for us, time is the scariest thing.

So I held the phone to my ear and listened as the doctor explained our options (not many). Tears fell down my face and I cried silently as I listened to him apologize. I felt as though somewhere something I couldn't see was beating me up. Beating up my spirit. Externally I am fine, but it's like my spirit is completely shattered. Something had to be trying to ruin me.

I whispered to Lucas that news as we went, and he got quite upset. He slammed his fist on the steering wheel and said, "What are they waiting for?! Does he have to die too?!" Then his face got so sad and crushed me even more. He calmed down, got comfortable feeling disappointed, and grabbed my hand. I got off the phone and cried, we sat in silence most the way home.

We know that we dont want to make our baby come into the world too early when every day makes a difference, (though not much in his case). We dont want to take him out because of fear when he could really use the time to get stronger lungs.

But, we hate that people were ignoring the fact that we lost two babies before when EVERYTHING looked perfect. A bunch of dumb rules made by a group of doctors that keep our doctors from being able to decide that this case was different and lungs might be trumped by history. Hands were tied everywhere we look, and our baby is stuck inside.

I keep wishing for signs of labor, wishing for something to be just a little off so they can find a reason to deliver him. But he's perfect, just like his sister and brother.

We came home and I bawled my eyes out because we know what this means.
It is out of our hands. We just need to wait on baby's lungs. At this rate, he will be 40 weeks before his lungs reach 50, but doctors can deliver him no matter what at 39 weeks. So we have 16 days to go back to fear and waiting.

I'm just sad. I'm sad that baby is struggling for whatever reason to have his lungs develop. I'm sad that having two children die with no known reason isn't enough for them to justify trying to save this baby early. I'm sad that we keep packing our bags and driving off to FINALLY have our baby in our arms, just to drive home with tears on our cheeks and an empty car seat buckled in the back.

Sixteen days feels like an eternity. Especially since today marks the point in this pregnancy when we lost Molly when I was pregnant with her.

Life is hard.

Just to Remember

2013-09-03T20:09:00.001-06:00

36.5 weeks!

I just wanted to record the feelings Lucas and I have been having so we don't forget them in case things get rough emotionally and we need something to lean on.

We have just made a plan with the doctor for the baby.
Tomorrow we will go talk to the OB we saw weekly since about 25 weeks. We really like her, and like that she seems so understanding about where we have been and why we feel so strongly about getting the baby out early. We want to talk to her about what we have experienced and all the "red tape" we have run into. We want to discuss with her if she would be willing to deliver the baby at 37 weeks even if the specialist is not. Unless for any reason we feel that it is right to continue to wait.

Thursday we go in for a second Amnio, 8 days after the first and after a set of steroid shots to help the lungs speed up their development. They will test his lungs to see if they have become mature, but to be honest, everyone sounds doubtful that the change we need to see will have happened in such a short amount of time.

However, if his lungs have developed enough, then we will have the baby delivered as soon as possible, even Thursday evening. If they are still too immature, we will have to go back to waiting.

When I let myself feel what I know is more of my natural, fear-filled, anxious response to this plan I get very upset very quickly. I want to write angry letters, make angry phone calls, and scream at everyone who just doesn't seem to get it. When I listen to the doubts that have been there instead of the peace I find when I trust the Lord, I get upset and even angry. Anger is not a feeling I feel often, and I hate it. I especially hate feeling anything but excitement and happiness when it comes to experiencing the miracle of welcoming this baby into our home.

Luckily, those feelings of fear or anger come quickly, and they leave quickly as well. People have been praying for us to feel peace, calm, and sure about our decisions. We have felt the difference those prayers have made. We are reading our scriptures, reading the Ensign, going to the temple, praying, and simply just trying to listen to the spiritual promptings we feel in every minute. When we are really trying to stay close to the spirit of the Lord, and to trust Him and His timing, we feel completely peaceful. Even when these unexpected decision are made, or test results are keeping us from just getting our baby here, we can feel peace.

This evening Lucas and I sat out on our balcony with the dog and watched the sun go down. It was a beautiful evening. We talked about how excited we are to be so close to the big day when we will meet our son. Lucas explained that it feels more exciting, a different bigger excitement, than he has ever felt before. Our excitement, when we decide to simply trust the timing of the Lord, is not at all marred by fear. Instead, we trust that He has a plan for our son, and that whatever He has planned will be the greatest blessing, it will be what is best for our family. When we completely trust Him we dont feel scared.

Lucas said the other day that he expected me to be a basket case if forced to go past 36 weeks, but that he has been surprised to see how calm I have been. I am also surprised, and also grateful. I am grateful to know that if we were to plan our own life and to have things go smoothly and exactly as WE plan them, we would never feel the sorrows we do, and in turn we would never feel the immense joy that we are blessed with. Things would not turn out for the best because it is impossible to see the bigger picture from God's perspective. We have to trust that the little things that don't seem to go our way might be opening the door to a blessing we have not yet seen coming.

Tonight our home is full of faith, and I am grateful for that. We wondered tonight as we talked, why it is that the Lord didn't just let baby's lungs grow quickly so we could have him early. We wondered what it was, why things have happened to make us wait even longer. We decided that whatever the reason, in hindsight we are sure it will be better and we will look back and thank Him for making us wait. We will be thankful for being taught to be patient. Maybe in the end, our baby was always going to make it, and the Lord simply wants him to grow a little longer.

I'm just so happy to have a relationship with and a trust in God. We are so lucky to have the gospel, and the have the faith of so many people helping us to keep close to the spirit. The Holy Ghost as a constant companion has been a true gift, he is a comforter and a voice of reason.

We feel sure that our baby will make it. Minutes pass slowly. Days are crawling, and it is hard to focus on anything except baby. All the things I wanted to get done while we wait have sat undone. I get anxiety every time my phone rings and can't answer it. I haven't been able to get myself to go to any social gathering of any kind. But I consider it a huge success that I can sit here with Lucas, 2 days away from the point in our pregnancy when we lost Molly, and feel safe. I think every day when we go to bed and feel comforted and in love and excited for the future is good day.

The unexpected

2013-08-31T12:57:00.000-06:00

It has been a really tough few days.

After we lost Molly at 37 weeks with no concrete explanation for what happened to her, our Doctors all suggested that with the next baby we deliver at 36 weeks. So our plan with Kellen was to deliver at 36 weeks. We lost him at 30. Again, there was no proof of what happened, but because delivering before 30 weeks is beyond scary, we have kept the plan to deliver around 36 weeks with any future pregnancies.

When we got pregnant this time around, and we shared our history with our new Doctors, they all agreed that it would be foolish to carry this baby to 40 weeks and the best thing would be to deliver at 36 weeks. This wasn't even because we suggested it, it was just what made sense to everyone. It was understood by all, or so we thought, that he may need to spend some time in the NICU, but that would be preferable to having to lose him too. Something happened to our babies, and taking this baby at 36 weeks would give us 4 less weeks to risk whatever happened before happening again.

So for the last 8 months I have had August 30th marked on all my calendars, alarms on my phone and in my heart saying "36 WEEKS! BABY TIME! WE MADE IT!" etc.

I have looked forward to the day we meet this baby with an excitement that I can't really explain. When I imagine meeting this baby, and seeing Lucas holding his little boy without having to say goodbye, I start to cry or laugh out loud because I can imagine no greater joy. August 30th. That was the day to reach.

While I can't say that I am ungrateful for it, part of what has made this hard is that our pregnancy has been pretty perfect. When every single test, every single monitoring session, and every ultrasound shows that this baby is developing perfectly and that there is nothing wrong, the doctors see the chance of losing him shrinking to nothing, and the risk of taking him early to be more foolish. They aren't trained to ignore the numbers in the tests. It is hard for them to get around the fact that they can't see a single sign of this pregnancy being anything but normal. They seem to forget that we buried two other babies, both of those pregnancies had our doctors amazed at how perfect everything was going.

Problem is, with our history, everything looks perfect, and the next day our baby is gone. We dont know when or why it happens, its like there is a sword dangling over our baby from day one. No matter what the tests on the baby or on me show, nothing takes down that sword but getting him out.

We have felt really well taken care of with both our regular OB and our specialists. They all planned on delivering the baby early. So when it came close to 36 weeks, we scheduled a c-section for August 30th and I began counting down the days, hours, and minutes.

We had an appointment for this last Wednesday, two days before the c-section, to test babies lungs before we deliver him. Everything has gone so smoothly, and they seemed so confident, that we just assumed that this would be another test where baby is ready. Doctor even said, "If the test comes back tonight and his lungs are mature, we'll deliver him tonight instead of waiting until Friday!"

So we got an amniocentesis. Using an ultrasound to see and guide them, they numb my stomach, and stick a needle in through my belly, the muscles and then into the uterus. They take a sample of amniotic fluid from around the baby. The fluid is then sent to be tested, looking for a hormone released into the fluid as the lungs develop. The more of this hormone in the fluid, the more mature the baby's lungs are.

Lucas and I rushed home and packed our hospital bag, got a few more things ready at home for baby, and waited anxiously for the Doctor to call with the results from the amnio. My phone rang just a few hours later and it was the doctor. I answered the phone and Lucas stood next to me, hospital bag by the door, ready to go.

Then we heard, "We got the results back." I am hopeful and I say, "That was fast!" He says, "Yes it was. Unfortunately, it's not good news. The baby's lungs are not mature. In fact, they are very immature. Not even close to what we need for me to feel safe delivering him tonight, or even soon. His results were surprising. We look for a score of around 50, and his came back at 10. I am so sorry to be the bearer of bad news, but we won't be able to deliver him tonight."

I can't stop my eyes from watering, but I finish talking to him. We quickly discuss what that means for his lungs, what that means for delivery, and what we can do to speed up his lung development.

He sent us to the nearest hospital that night to get a steroid shot to boost the development of baby's lungs. Then Thursday evening we got a second round of the shot. This shot has proven to be very effective for maturing the baby's lungs quickly, though it is not permanent. It is most effective if baby is delivered within a week of receiving the shot.

We now feel stuck between a rock and a hard place. It can be very dangerous to have a baby who's lungs haven't had enough time to develop. It could cause very severe asthma and other respiratory problems for life. Every single day can be a huge help in the development of lungs for the baby, so we see why the doctors want to give him just a little more time. We do too, unfortunately, we also feel that more time in can be more dangerous than getting him out now, even with premature lungs.

I felt as though I was being asked to wait longer, risking the death of my child, to prevent him from having asthma. To me it seemed crazy at first, and I was angry and frustrated. I couldn't understand how the doctors, who have known from the beginning that the plan was to deliver at 36 weeks, would assume that he would be totally mature a month early. We knew he wouldn't score the same as a 40 weeker, but we also knew it was worth it in an effort to save his life. Why is this test suddenly more important than the fact that we have a 100% record of losing our children and that getting him out could save his life.

The doctor is unfortunately tied by rules of the hospital and board that he cannot deliver a baby in an "elective c-section" before baby has mature lungs. As soon as his lungs test mature, he can deliver the baby, even if it was at 35 weeks. However, it could be another 4 weeks until our baby's lungs show up with a score of 50 or so. I cannot and will not wait 4 more weeks. We are currently talking to the doctor to try and figure out a way to re-test his lungs and hopefully have him delivered before next Friday. That will be 37 weeks, a full term baby. We just pray that in this week, and with the shots, his lungs will have developed enough that he will be healthy and alive.

Waiting is horrible. Im so antsy and every hour or so I panic that the baby is gone and we waited too long. Luckily, while we have been praying about how to time this right and know what to do, we had a feeling to go to the temple. We went to the temple and both felt very peaceful about our decision to wait another week or so instead of delivering him early (if the docs would even let us). We felt sure that he will be fine at least until next week. We are thankful that we both felt the same peace, but it doesn't make the minutes pass any faster.

Thank you to everyone for your constant prayers and concern for us and for the baby. Right now we need prayers that baby's lungs will develop quickly and he can make it to us. A miracle would even be that my body would go into labor on it's own, and then we dont have all this red tape keeping us from getting to hold our son. Prayers are much appreciated.

The Most Amazing

2013-08-13T14:24:00.001-06:00

My brother has put together this AMAZING new 5K race! I seriously can't wait for it to come to Denver. I always wanted to try Wipe Out and this is basically my chance.

Watch the video and share it with your friends because there is a good chance they are coming to your city!

www.hitandrun5k.com

SO SO SO EXCITED!!!!!!!<

3 Years

2013-07-24T07:57:00.001-06:00

Monday was Molly's birthday. That means it has been three years since we held her. I honestly can't believe it has been three years. It was an emotional day for me. Molly's birthday happened to come just days from the point in my pregnancy where we lost Kellen. So I had both babies and the new baby on my mind all day, and tears were not far from the surface.

Luckily, it was a beautiful day. We had a simple celebration and visited the babies at the cemetery. My mom was at girls camp so she couldn't make it. I called my dad to invite him to the cemetery with us, and he said he was in Colorado Springs working at a store so he wouldn't be able to make it. I was sad that nobody in my family would be able to come. It did help that Lucas' parents and sister were all coming with us.

We stopped at the store and got a pink balloon and Lucas picked flowers for both babies. His favorite thing for Molly is pink flowers surrounded in baby's breath for Molly, and green flowers for Kellen. I love that man.

At the cemetery we arrived just before his parents and we all gathered around the babies, just to see that someone had recently visited and left some pinwheels with each Molly and Kellen. I am always so touched when I see someone has visited them, leaving something for them is a sign for me that someone out there is thinking of and remembering our angels. It warms my heart. (yesterday I learned who left the pinwheels and I am so so SO thankful!)

We all sat and talked around the babies for a second. I said, "My mom is at Girls Camp and my Dad was working in Colorado Springs and won't be able to make it..." Just then Lucas goes, "It's your dad!" and I turn around to see my dad's truck pulling in and parking. I know he must have stopped everything he was doing and packed up then driven to be with us as fast as he could. I started crying right away when I saw him pull in. I love our families.

We all wrote letters to Molly on a balloon, and with tradition, we released the balloon to heaven for her.

We all talked for a while, sat around, and then we went and got ice cream cones and talked some more. It was a lovely day.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY, MOLLY!

How are you feeling?

2013-07-15T22:43:00.002-06:00

To my facebook friends, it may seem that I dislike being asked the question "How are you feeling?!" This is my fault because I posted a status about needing to come up with more questions to ask a pregnant woman. I do think that would be good, but I never meant to imply that it bothers me when people ask me. I'm sure pregnant women everywhere get this same thing everywhere they go. Luckily for me, I think the majority of the people who ask me aren't using the question as a filler question, but they know our story and are genuinely concerned. I appreciate it every time.

The hardest part of being asked this question is knowing what my honest answer actually is in an appropriate and socially accepted amount of time. Also, how long of an answer do you want? Are you honestly wondering how I'm feeling right now or in general about this pregnancy? Are you curious about how I'm feeling physically or emotionally? I think women ask more to know the emotional side, and men ask more about the physical side but dont want details. They want to know if it hurts, and maybe if my pregnancy is in any way like their wife or girlfriends. Some people honestly dont even know they are asking it, they just wanted to walk by me and also be polite. I have been known to misread signals from the "how are you feeling" asker.

I get kind of embarrassed, say, when I get off the phone with my mom after having talked to her for 30 minutes about my complicated emotions. I go downstairs and run into a 19 year old co-worker. He says, "Hey Amber, how are you feeling?" and I say, "You know, I feel okay right now. I'm so anxious though! Its about the same time that everything happened and so I'm nervous. But I do like my doctors and I think I'm in good hands. Also I am bigger this time around, so thats fun and uncomfortable, especially in this heat!" Meanwhile, 19 year old kid has walked backwards with a fake smile on saying "oh. yeah. oh." and then says, "kseeyalater" Too much. His how are you feeling was looking for a "good, you?!" But instead I gave him a peek into the mind of a crazy person.

To make a long wordy blog too long and more wordy, I have decided to post my entire answer here. How am I feeling?

Short answer: Good. Peaceful. Ready and Anxious.

Long answer: The first two trimesters of this pregnancy flew by. I have felt overwhelming support and huge blessings that made me feel sure that this will happen for us and that we will bring our little boy home. I was not very nervous, not really panicked. I felt surprised as each week went by that I felt almost as if we had never lost a baby in the sense that I was blissful. I was excited to be pregnant. I was dreaming as if I had no reason to doubt. There were moments of course, where I would rush to listen to his heartbeat because for a second I thought our luck had run out. But his heart was always there, a constant beat.

As the weeks have gone on, though, I have become more anxious. I find that as I've become completely aware of his movements, I am also completely aware when he is still. It is harder and harder to distract myself when I start to worry. While I would say that most of the time I feel normal and confident, I have had an increasing number of moments where I think to myself "Oh no, something is wrong. He's not moving. Its going to happen again. I can't do this. He's gone." And then baby boy will kick me in the ribs and tell me he is fine and that I need to calm down.

I guess its expected about now. We lost Kellen just a day or two before 30 weeks. I am 29 weeks and 4 days. Come Friday, every day with this baby is a day longer than I got with his brother. It is a day where I am painfully aware that it could happen any moment. Between now and 36 weeks when he will join us on the outside, I can tell that I will be like a bouncy ball. One moment I will feel such peace and be very sure that he is a perfectly healthy baby, and that my body is a safe home for him. The next I will be sure he is swimming in a danger zone and that any second our dreams will be shattered, our hearts will explode one final time and we will never recover.

As dorky as it sounds, my mind is a harder place to be right now than my heart. My heart feels sure. I feel peaceful. I can talk about having him here with people, and completely believe it will happen. My heart feels like this pregnancy is healing it even more. That this baby is a gift, a little boy who will heal us and who is protected by his brother and sister. I am sure in my heart. I am grateful for this, because it is my heart that was hurt the most when we lost Molly and Kellen. My heart was broken, then broken again. But it also wants to be a mother so badly that being pregnant, despite the chance of breaking again, is an exciting adventure. My heart feels like I won a prize, that growing another life inside of me, and counting down the days until I bring him home is exactly what the doctor ordered to heal the fractures of loss.

My mind, on the other hand, remembers the facts. In my mind, I answer the second most common question "Is this your first?!" with the facts, "No, he's my third." And then the facts are out there. There are no children around me. No children in my home. No babysitters, no spit up stains, no milestones. My mind tallies the facts and it begins to panic. It is my mind, that based on what we have been through before, gets me all confused. The peace in my heart is quickly set aside when I notice that the baby isn't moving. I push on my belly, frantically searching for evidence. I search for a sign that he is okay. My mind has made me run to the bathroom at work countless times to hide in a stall and lean against the wall, my hands on my belly, begging the baby to kick. It is looking at the past that makes my mind see no other ending.

There are two different kind of doctors who we have dealt with. The first is the rule doctor. The good student. The textbook answer doctor. He knows a lot, he knows the facts and he uses the facts to make good, wise, decisions. I need him to help me know what we need to do. He, unfortunately, sees this pregnancy is separate from the first two. Everything looks normal. Early delivery may not be necessary, why would it be, textbook says that perfect pregnancies end with healthy babies and despite the past, he believes the tests that say all is well. This doctor is like my brain. He's all facts.

The second doctor is the compassionate one. He sees my fear in my eyes when he mentions going past 36 weeks. He sees the pain in our questions and in the retelling of our story. He reads our chart and instead of asking us medical questions, he says "I am so sorry. We will do anything we need to so you get a baby" This doctor doesn't ask us to repeat our story again and again, but reads about it himself and only asks things he needs to know. This doctor is the heart. He's all feeling.

The difference in doctors reminds me of the drastically different way I can feel from one minute to the next.

So do I feel happy? Yes. Excited? Very. Scared? Sometimes. Peaceful? Almost always.

Physically I feel good. I have had a pretty easy pregnancy so far. I got pretty sick in the beginning, but after 14 weeks that went away almost completely aside from the occasional migraine. I have some painful braxton hicks contractions every now and then, but they say it tends to hurt more after a few c-sections, so that explains that. The baby is ALWAYS on the right side of my belly, he has been head-down the entire pregnancy, and his little legs have been kicking my ribs and spreading them out awkwardly for two months now. (my right ribs are actually bruised from the kicking and spreading. They are tender to the touch and ache 24/7)
My hands and feet are always so hot you would think I have a fever, but I dont. I take cold showers and cold baths to cool them down. I have gained 22 pounds and am expected to gain 3-8 more. I can't wear my wedding ring because it's too small. My feet are swollen. I have carried this baby almost the exact same way I carried the other two. In a small tight little ball. Like a volleyball is under my shirt. I dont carry very largely, and not very far out. I have swollen everywhere from water weight.
I still sleep like a champ, and I can breathe fine most of the time. I can get comfortable enough to sleep as long as I can cool off my hands and feet. (sometimes I sleep with an ice pack over my toes to bring down the fire in my veins!)
I love every movement this little boy makes, and every kick is a lovely reminder that we have at least one more moment to be together.

Today at work he got the hiccups. I sat there with my hand over the right side of my belly and felt his back jump into my belly over and over and over. For ten minutes he had the hiccups and I fell even more in love with him.

So, friends, thank you for asking how I am doing. Sorry if you ask me just to be nice and I go off into way too many details. Also, sorry if you ask wanting details and to support and all I give you is a quick "I feel great!"

Here is my 29.5 week belly picture. (I have only taken like 3 belly pics this pregnancy- woops)

***************

Also, I miss reading old blogs about the things that make me laugh every day. So here is one.

Yesterday I was sitting at the table for a snack of jam and toast. Lucas was in the kitchen. Out of habit, I folded my arms and waited to say a lunch prayer. Then after a second of sitting there with my arms folded I realized that it wasn't a meal. I think because it felt weird to just dig in without a prayer, I needed to do something. For some reason, that something was to look at Moose, sitting next to me hoping for crumbs, and yell "TOAST!" Then I started eating. Lucas looked at me, surprised at my outburst, and laughed so hard he almost collapsed which made me laugh until I almost choked on my toast.

I love my life.

Sleep Creep

2013-07-13T09:44:00.002-06:00

I think sleeping and dreaming is so interesting and hilarious. I love sleep talking/walking/anything stories so much and after I hear about them I think back on them and re-laugh again and again. My family has some golden moments. We all sleep talk at least a little bit, I think. My roommate in college would write down the things I said to her. I love it.
Lucas and I both fall asleep about 3 seconds after our heads hit the pillow, so unfortunately he sleeps through all my antics so I dont hear about them very often. But this morning he told me that I was creepy and funny last night.

He woke up to my face a foot away from his with me looking at him. I reached out to his face and touched his nose and felt the tip of his nose and said, "Is this your nose?!"
he said, "uhhh yes."
I said, "Oh! I couldn't find it!" I layed down again and then told him I had a scary dream. Then I was asleep again.
bahahaha!

Just for fun, here are a few sleep stories from the old safe:
While having a sleepover with a roommate and sharing a queen bed.
I roll over and look at my roommate Lindsay. AMBER: "Mmmmmmmmmmmm. Mashed potatoes. Want some?"
(I did not give her any. rude.)

In my apartment in college my roommate wrote down this little sleep conversation I had with her.
AMBER: Fossils!
LINDSAY: Fossils?
AMBER: Yeah, they are digging for fossils. In Idaho Falls.
LINDSAY: Oh, did they find them?
AMBER: Yes, but I'm pretty mad because they didn't even have a donut breakfast!!
(i see my point.)

I sat up in bed one night and looked over at my roommate, then opened my arms up gesturing at the clean room around me.
AMBER: LOOK AT THIS MESS! I JUST CLEANED THIS UP! WHAT HAPPENED HERE?!
ROOMMATE JAMI: uh.... k.

My brothers and I used to all sleep in the basement of our parents house. Our rooms were seperated by painters canvas and sheets nailed to the ceiling. We had privacy, but we could hear everything. One night I heard my brother, Jason, fresh off the mission say in his sleep: "THAT is the question! THAT is the GOOOOLLLDDDEENN question!"

My brother steven once yelled out in his sleep: "It's as HUUUUUUGE AS A SNAKE!"

There are tons of golden nuggets, but right now I can't remember them. My sisters-in-law get to hear the crazy things my brothers say all the time, and I envy them that.
Every time Lucas starts sleep talking it wakes him up, and he gets embarrassed.
It will be like this:
LUCAS: I'm not...are yo- *wakes up* *hides face*
LUCAS: Dang it. *goes back to sleep*
One day he'll give me something amazing, I know it.

Tell me some of your awesome stories immediately.

Help From Behind The Scenes

2013-07-06T08:53:00.001-06:00

My uncle Dan passed away Thursday, June 27th. The link to his obituary is here:

http://www.horancares.com/obituary/Dan-F.-Nielsen/Centennial-CO/1221046

He was a wonderful, happy, and loving man and will be greatly missed.

Usually when you look back at your life you can see connections between events. You can spot the small actions or deeds that led to big life-changing ones and sit in wonder at how lucky you are. The past little while has been like that, except we have been able to see the blessings as they are happening. Our life has been blessed so greatly and every little detail seems so taken care of that we just strap on our seat belts and trust that our angel babies are helping us on our path.

First, my uncle Dan was diagnosed with Cancer 4 years ago, around the same time as my mom. Unfortunately, he recently lost his battle and returned to heaven. Before he passed away, he and my aunt made all their arrangements at Lucas' old job through him at Chapel Hill. He was able to save them a lot of money with a family discount on everything. Just as he finished their arrangements as well as those for other family members, he got his new job.

His new job came quickly and as a surprise when my sister in law mentioned a connection to a family who was big in the funeral industry in our area. Texts and phone calls and interviews were made and they offered Lucas a job, despite there not being an opening. So Lucas switched jobs to Horan and McConaty. When he told my Uncle about it, my uncle expressed that his original desire was to have his funeral services through Horan and McConaty but that they had planned to go through the other company for the savings. As soon as he could, Lucas started looking to see if he could transfer their information to the new place.

After only 2 months in his first position, Lucas was asked to interview for a promotion to be a Funeral Director. He did a great job, and they told him that would call him to let him know what they decided. That night we learned that my uncle's condition was worsening quickly and his time was going to be short on this earth, days or even hours. Lucas, despite waiting for an important call, called his managers and asked what could be done. They were able to work out the details and move his service over to the other company, and save them even more money while allowing my uncle to have what he really wanted for his service. They moved the contract over. Lucas got the promotion.

My Uncle Dan passed away later that week, surrounded by my aunt- the love of his life, all of his children, and all of his grandchildren. Because Lucas' promotion was so recent, he still had time to finish in his old position, so he was able to be there when my uncle passed away and ensure that he was well taken care of immediately after his passing. Then, because he was also recently promoted, they allowed him to be there for my family during the service, making sure that everything went smoothly and all they wanted happened just right.

Through small little blessings and perfect timing, Lucas was allowed the opportunity to help my uncle and his family from the very first step through the very end. I'm not sure anyone has ever had that before, from pre-planning, to being the one there when he passes on, to being able to serve them during the memorial.

It was so beautiful. My uncle Dan was a great man, and I love that in a small way, our family got to be there for him. It all felt so perfectly orchestrated, there is no question in my mind that there is someone greater than us at the wheel.

Another small blessing with all this timing is related to our coming bundle of joy.

When Lucas switched jobs, we lost insurance. He switched companies 90 days before our baby is supposed to be delivered, meaning that we would need to find insurance while he waited 90 days for his new insurance to begin. If I couldn't switch insurance immediately, I would have no way to pay for a specialist, for any further pre-natal care, or for the delivery. I would be taking marternity leave, but if possible I will stay home with the baby after he is born. This would depend on Lucas' new job. Luckily, after some luck, I was able to switch to my company insurance with no gap in coverage.

We learned that the coverage through my company insurance was MUCH MUCH better than anything we could have dreamed of. We would be saving ourselves probably 100K through this insurance as the extensive monitoring with this baby and then the delivery at 36 weeks is going to be very costly.

In addition to the coverage being great, we had to switch doctors with the change of insurance. We were not sure we wanted to do this, as we liked the plan our first doctor had to deliver early and the experience he had. But we were no longer covered at his practice, so we made the switch.

Days before my birthday we had our first appointment with the new doctor.
It was AMAZING. They were SO helpful, and compassionate, and thorough. They searched our history, they immediately began weekly non-stress-test testing on our baby with ultrasounds and bloodwork that for some reason, nobody else even tried. They immediately referred us to a specialist to go over our history and to help make a plan to deliver this baby.

It seemed, finally, that instead of hearing "bad luck" as the reason we lost Molly and Kellen, we were with people who wanted to find us answers.
At our last appointment, our new doctor said, "This should not have happened to you. I cannot allow myself to believe that this was just bad luck two times so similarly. Something is happening, and I want to find out what that is. We will search everything. I will request more information from your other doctors. We will work with the specialists and make sure you get to bring a baby home."

And I suddenly realized that some doctors had told us they were carefully watching, they used the right words but didn't back it up with action, with questions, with a desire to help us. Until now.

I have never felt so happy or lucky in my life.
This new team of doctors has eased my heart and mind so much that I have finally begun to believe that this baby is going to make it to us. I even bought him a bed and a little outfit.
About a week after we have the baby, Lucas' insurance will begin at his new job, and I will switch to coverage through his company. It is the same company as the old doctor.

If Lucas would not have switched jobs exactly when he did, we would not have had the time to have this wonderful change in doctors just in time to carefully monitor and deliver the baby. He also would not have been in the right place to help my uncle and his family through every step of his final days.

As all of these things keep happening, I have honestly just laughed out loud to myself because its the only way to express the gratitude I feel at knowing that we are being guided, taken care of, and loved. We feel like our Heavenly Father's will, though it is not what we always expect, is always the better path. And I like to think that our little angels have helped everything to happen so perfectly.

We are so lucky.

And for your viewing pleasure, here are the most recent 3D/4D pictures of our little boy:

I cant wait to meet him!

I'm 12 now. PART 1,000,000

2013-06-06T21:21:00.001-06:00

I really want to just get my kid journal up because I think its hilarious to remember life being so simple but feeling like it was such serious stuff. It gets pretty intense here, so be ready. I bet you just can't believe I got over not getting a ferret and you are probably going crazy to see if I've made progress on my Wheat Thins addiction. We'll see, my friends.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Also, I will update you on my present day life soon. Here is a tiny bit.
This morning I was procrastinating going to work because I wanted to hang out with Lucas. I ate breakfast and still didn't want to go so I made a breakfast smoothie and had a 2nd breakfast. Lucas said, "Another breakfast?"
I said "Yes" and shake dripped onto my baby belly.
He shook his head and said, "You're just a Gluttonous King!"
When he got home from work this afternoon he was teasing me and I said, "I am the King and you will not tease me! You have been demoted to Jester. You are no longer my Queen!"
He said, "I'm not a Queen."
I said, "If I'm the King then you are the Queen. But not anymore, you are the Jester. Now dance."
He didn't dance. He's bad at all his jobs in the palace.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

"Date: June 29, 1999 Today I woke up and did chores. then I went to the pool and saw Jontue J. there. For some reason I wanted to be near him or for him to scratch my back. I don't even think he's cute! (when I say HIM I mean Jontue's older brother James) Then I went to Erica's house and went through her sprinklers. Then I went to Erin L.'s farewell. (Oh yeah I also got my hair cut) <3 Amber H."

"Date: June 30, 1999
Today was quite the day! When I woke up there was no Job list!!! I went downstairs and heard steven talking on the phone. He was planning to go to Discovery Zone. Mom took Me, Steve, Steve's friend Brint, Emily, & Eli to DZ. It was a Blast. When I got home I jumped on teh tramp and then went to Pie Night and worked on some Beehive stuff. Slept in Mom's Bed! <3 Amber"

"Date: July. 1, 1999
Today I woke up at 12:00 (Noon) and right away went to Aunt Ellen's house to babysit. I babysat from 12:00 to 5:30 and when I got home we went to go get fireworks. Then I came home and hung out then went to bed. <3 Amber"

"Date:_____
Right Now I'm in the car going to Idaho! Were going for a family reunion on a lake and were camping. I forgot to write on the 4th of July. So I will tell you about it. Oh Oh. here comes Mom I'll write about it later <3 Amber"

"Date: 11/26/99
Holy Cow!! I havn't written in here for a long time. I guess I was gonna tell you about my family renunion but I can't remember. I do remember that we went cliff jumping adn Rachel H went off the highest rock the first time she ever jumped. I was too scared to go at the top so I went at the middle, and I had jumped in my life before that. Now, about resently. Yesterday was thanksgiving and it was at our house. Now I'm excited for Christmas and !!2000!! New Years! But wait I need to back up. In the Summer we went to the pool almost everyday. Of coarse Now it's closed so we don't go there. I started my first year in Middle School this year and at first I hated it because I had no friends and so much homeowrk, which was a big change because last year I had no homework at all. (actually for the past 2 years, 5th and 6th grade) So the home work thing made it worse. Also I was getting really low grades and I ~~hate~~ dislike my Science teacher. My language Arts teacher looks like she should be on my favorite show (friends) She just has that wierd look that makes her look like she must be famous. Now I'm doing better but I have a D+ in Science. (it should be a C but I was 2 points away from that.)
In October of coarse, Halloween. I went trick or treating even though it was a Sunday. She, Mom, couldn't find anything wrong with letting us go so we went. (she's cool for that. (not only that)) I didn't get as much candy as last year but I still got a lot. Now it's November and Thanksgiving is over. But on the bright side I'm getting suspended!
That most likely sounds really wierd but it is good instead of bad because I wasn't doing anything wrong. I just forgot to get my shots. I'm so excited because my almost best friend Morgan V is also getting suspended on the same day! Today I went skiing and totally sucked I fell down like every 5 seconds and now my butt is bruesed. But oh well. It was fun. I wish I would have snowboarded with Jason but I wouldv'e had ato rent a snowboard and that would cost $50.00!!! I didn't have enogh for that. On my last run I got a stomach ache and a head ache and had trouble finishing the run. Then Kristen, Jason, and Greg wanted to go down 1 more time so I took off my skiis layed down and fell asleep when they got back Jason woke me up and we went home. Now I'm writing this in bed but I'm laying on my side 'cause my butt hurts. About 3 1/2 weeks ago this boy who I've liked scinse 1st grade asked me out. I was sooo excited so I said yes. but sadly, (not really) I'm gonna dump him because all he ever did was say 'hi' so I'm saying goodbye to almost my lifelong dream. Ok back to Christmas. All I want (or mainly) is a baby cat (kitten) but I know I won't get one so I'm asking for a cat, a labtop, a CTR ring, and scriptures. If you didn't notice I canged the way I did my A's <3 Amber
sorry it was so long"

"Date: 11/27/99

It is realy early but I'll write anyway. Aunt Patty just called and there picking me up to babysit soon. I dont want to but I need the money and I hate to say 'no'. I want to go for 1 reason which is to see their new house. They'll be here soon so I have to go get ready. I'll write later. Maybe today. <3 Amber

Okay it's the same day as <-------------- Patty just called again and I dont have to babysit anymore. YES!! but that also means less money. Eli keeps trying to get this while I'm writing so I have to go. No, I dont. He stopped. I want to have a interesting journal but it must not be interest sciense nothing fun is happening. My butt still hurts a lot!! Now I do have to go. <3 Amber"

"Date: 11/28/99
I guess I'll finish writing about yesterday. After I found out I wasn't babysitting Morgan called and we went to Blockbuster Video and I used my gift card and ought the movie She's All That then we went to the Star Mart gas station and bought candy. We went home and watched the movie then Morgan had to elave and Steven, Me, Sarah, Emily, Eli and my mom decorated the tree. Jason and Dad were upstairs watching a movie. Today I slept in went to church then ate dinner and went to bed."

"11-29-99
Yes! Today steven got up and went to school and I got to sleep in. Today I'm gonna get a shot because I've been suspended untill I get a shot. What does this mean? 2 thing NO SCHOOL 4 NO REASON and a bad thing, I get a shot but along with a shot comes a shake so there is a bad and good. I'l write after I get the shot and tell about it. Sarah and Emily get to start school late today because Ellen is taking them to school because my mom doens't have a car. They are gonna be 1 1/2 hours late. I'm not sure what happened about Vinnie. His friend was upposed to break up with him for me but I dont know if he did I'll just have to wait. About the shot. It turns out that I'm gonna get it at 4:00 But that means that I have to go back to school tommorow I went to Walmart."

"Date:12/1/99
The shot was fine and I did end up getting it so I have been going to school. (darn) It hasn't been that bad. I've been getting work done and been doing pretty well. Today in Language Arts we started reading A CHRISTMAS CAROL and so far it is really good and I'm thinking about reading that for my outside reading book assignment. Today I went to young women's and made sugar coockies that tasted really good! Then when I came home it was only us girls home and Emily was watchign a movie so mom figured it was time for THE PUEBERTY TALK I have dredded that for so long but I think I might start so I guess It was a good time. It wasn't too bad just gross and hearing the same stuff I heard at school or at certain times when it was right. Sarah hated it and mom said she will get a more detailed talk about it later. I hate to say it but I want boobs but I have cimi started getting ONE, I'm so nervous that I will have uneaven boobs in the future. Well dad just got home and I'm supposed to be asleap so I have to go <3"

"Date:12/16/99 (BAD DAY)
At school I feel so unpopular and ugly. A boy on my bus, Jeff, always calls me funnylooking and people are always making fun of me. Steven makes fun of me right in front of me to my friends and it just makes me want to cry. Also SARAH IS PRETTIER THAN ME. I dont ever admit I think that. Also I think she is cooler than me. Morgan even says that. I'm having a bad day can you tell. At dinner I had milk come out my nose because I was laughing because of Jason AAND I GOT IN TROUBLE. Dad is way--------> overprotective. one day I was going to meet Morgan at the top of the street and my dad drove me that was so embarrasing. Dad needs to lighten up. <3 Amber Man it feels so good to let that out)
We just watched Joseph Smith Movie. Same Day. I guess dad is all right"

Amber and Lucas Taylor

Crazy Eyes

"You know how her mind works - it's like a mouse on a wheel except the wheel spins sideways and the mouse is blind and has a really bad sprained ankle."

Dr Office "And what is your baby's first and last name?" Me: "Graham Taylor" DO: "And what is your first and last name?" Me: "Susan Taylor" DO: "Okay" Me: "I mean Amber. My name is Amber." Lucas: "Wow"

Cute+Cute+Cute

You win some you lose some

A good book (and videos!)

Third

Mom behavior

Thought dump

Cloth diaper adventures 1

Graham's Newborn Photos

A cheesy but heartfelt thank you!

Graham's Birthday

INTRODUCING...

Inspired by A New Friend

Answered Prayers

No no no no no

Just to Remember

The unexpected

The Most Amazing

3 Years

How are you feeling?

Sleep Creep

Help From Behind The Scenes

I'm 12 now. PART 1,000,000

Dr Office "And what is your baby's first and last name?"
Me: "Graham Taylor"
DO: "And what is your first and last name?"
Me: "Susan Taylor"
DO: "Okay"
Me: "I mean Amber. My name is Amber."
Lucas: "Wow"