I’m working on a client request to upload some contacts into his account (CRM tech support – customer relationship management, basically a system for managing all of your company’s interactions with current and potential customers). Pretty standard.
For some quick context, we can upload as many contacts as you want, but it obviously takes longer depending on how many are in your file. Also, to upload contact files from a spreadsheet, we have to assign the spreadsheet columns to fields in the system using our little upload program. Which means that clients are supposed to put their contacts’ info in relevant columns; one column each for the name, phone number, email address, etc.
This client in particular was feeling a little frisky that day.
He had over twenty thousand contact records. Thanks, I hate it. The file was a mess, with names in the “Phone Number” column, random strings of text in the “Email” column, bits of address info just scattered throughout the entire thing.
It was as if Jackson Pollock had a fight with Microsoft Excel and won. No way the upload tool was going to accept it.
Half of these contacts didn’t have names or contact info, just descriptions. Contacts do have to have at least a first or last name in order to be uploaded.
The ticket was titled “URGENT”, which automatically puts you in my personal Sinner’s Queue as last priority.
I send a detailed email letting him know everything wrong with the file and what he needs to fix before it can be uploaded. I close and exit out of the ticket and move on to other work.
Before I’m able to actually move on to anything else, I see a ticket reopened notification in my inbox. Guess who.
Client: “Yes, please upload the contacts as specified; it is very urgent. Thank you.”
I squint at the timestamp on the ticket. Thirty-two seconds between me closing the case and him responding. My dude either has some wild thumb speed, or he responded with his mind. I wait about thirty minutes before replying back with the obligatory “per my last email” and copy/paste my response.
Thirty minutes in the Sinner’s Queue didn’t cool him off, as he responded around twenty-five seconds later.
Client: “Contacts are exactly how I want them now, please upload, it is very important.”
I go to lunch for an hour. I return and reply back, letting him know that I physically can’t upload his contacts until he makes the changes I asked for.
Forty-four seconds later:
Client: “I looked over the file before I sent it; everything looks good. I want this uploaded immediately.”
It’s at this point that he goes into Level 2 of the Sinner’s Queue while I get to other tickets/calls. Level 2 means you might get a reply from me by the end of the day; if not, I’ll get to you tomorrow sometime. Please find something to do other than refresh your inbox every half second.
At some point, Speedy sent in three or four new tickets to the queue, all just twenty to thirty seconds to a minute apart, angsting about his contacts not being uploaded.
A coworker of mine finds them and sees that I was already working with him. We chat a bit, and she figures she’ll respond in the hopes of hearing the same thing from two different people might knock some sense into him. She also included a screenshot of my email, highlighting the bits detailing the changes we need and the reasons for them.
Shockingly, Speedy doesn’t respond for THREE WHOLE MOTHER-F****** MINUTES.
Client: “I did not see that part. I am sorry. I will look at this and get back to you.”
The first line of my email said something along the lines of “Hi, [Customer], I was trying to upload your file, but there are a few changes we’ll need you to make first.” I can only guess that he read this line and just stopped processing inputs altogether.
Clients From Hell
