I work in a medium-sized office with a Keurig that all the employees share. I use refillable aluminum pods and bring my own coffee grounds in a small container I keep at my desk. It’s nothing fancy: cheap dark roast beans I grind with various spices because I like the taste. Because I like it fresh as well, I only grind enough for that day. 

One day I go to refill my pod and my container is empty. I was confused because I knew I had enough for another cup. Before I can really process, my coworker storms up and slams his cup on my desk. He starts ranting at me about “trying to kill him” and about how he’s going to HR.

Me: “Did you take my coffee?’

Coworker: “Don’t turn this around on me! I ran out and needed to borrow some! How dare you not label… whatever that is? I’ve never had anything so vile!”

Me: “I make it for myself, not you! What is wrong with you?”

He actually did go to HR. They told him off for stealing my coffee.

So, a guest comes to check in. I get their credit card, their ID, their car info, etc., etc. As is my usual spiel, I give them the area restaurant guide.

Guest: “Oh, no, we’re okay. We got Chinese on the way over.”

Well, gentle readers, that rang a bell. I’d been kinda, sorta hungry for a while, but I just couldn’t figure out what I was hungry for. Pizza? No, I had that yesterday. Pasta? No, too heavy on a warm day. A nice fresh, healthy salad? Oh, thank goodness I had gotten that out of the way for the week already. 

So, basically, I was going to stand around hungry all night and starve myself to death from indecision. But… Chinese! THAT was the answer! I told the guest that they had solved my deep, perplexing mystery, and that I was going to follow their most excellent example.

Not three minutes later, they came down, with an odd look on their faces. That’s never good. She good-naturedly said:

Guest: “We have a little problem.”

I braced for the inevitable disaster that was about to unfold upon me.

Guest: “The restaurant messed up our order. We were supposed to get dumplings, but they gave us these by mistake. I can’t eat these, and my daughter doesn’t want them. So, we thought you might.”

And she opened a box of a half dozen, still warm, crab rangoons. Might I want them? Deep fried cheese in a wonton? Okay, yeah, it’s cream cheese-but that’s still cheese. Of course I want them. I’m from Wisconsin. Arteriosclerosis is listed on our Food Pyramid, for goodness’ sake! 

I sit down and enjoy the wonderfulness of wonderful that is an even half-a**ed crab rangoon. But they are only appetizers for a reason. My Chinese food taste buds have been fed but not satisfied. So, I order from my usual delivery place to round out the night’s dinner. While I am at it…

Not too long later, my food arrives. I grab one of the boxes and go to the guest’s room and knock on the door.

Me: “Hello. I finished ordering the dinner you gave me the idea for. But… I had to order an appetizer to get free delivery, so here is an order of steamed dumplings!”

They are thrilled. I am thrilled. We are all fed. Everyone is content, the Magic Harp is returned to Happy Valley, God is in His heaven, and all is right with the world.

It won’t last. But it is nice while it does.

For context, I’m working as an engineer, and all my work is done on my work laptop. Because of this, teleworking is pretty much the way of working ever since the pandemic was a thing.

However, we got a new manager who decided that we had to have a mandatory team day at the office once a week. Basically, he wanted everyone on the team to be present that day. I don’t like the idea of mandatory presence at the office, but whatever; I usually go once a week to the office anyway for various reasons.

Fast forward to today. It’s our mandatory day, and I had been coughing since last night. So, I decided not to risk it and stay at home. I had the symptoms of some illness but felt like I could still work. Besides that, I don’t want half the office to be sick as well by next week and blame me for it.

So, I sent my manager an email to inform him that I wouldn’t be present at the office. Not much later, I got a reply back stating that “agreements must be respected” and that “mandatory days can’t be missed without a doctor’s note.”

So that’s exactly what I did. I went to the doctor the same day, and she gave me three sick days off. I took a picture of the doctor’s note and sent it to HR with the manager CC’d in. I still don’t understand why he made it such a big deal that I wanted to work from home for my own and my team’s well-being, but hey, three days off!

My neighbour’s daughter came home from her first day at primary school. She waved to me as she walked down the front yard while I was doing a spot of gardening.

Me: “How was your first day at school?”

Neighbour’s Daughter: “It was nice. I was the prettiest girl in the class!”

Me: “Who told you that?”

Neighbour’s Daughter: “I was there; I saw the rest of them.”

Thankfully she did not grow up to be such a diva, but good lord were my sides hurting from laughing.

I work at a casino. I was waiting for the bus after my shift when I saw a lady who looked really confused wandering around.

Me: “Are you okay?”

Lady: “Why is it so dark?”

Me: “What do you mean?”

Lady: “Why does it look like nighttime?”

Me: “Because it is. It’s ten at night.”

Lady: “No! That can’t be right. I came in at ten this morning, and that was only a couple of hours ago.”

Me: “That would have been twelve hours ago.”

Lady: “No! I know I can lose a bit of time when I’m on the slots, but I know it was only two hours! Three max!”

Me: “Well, I don’t know what to tell you.”

Lady: “Tell me why it looks like nighttime!”

Me: “Because it is!”

My bus is pulling up soon, so I advise her to go to the help desk and ask for a manager. She apparently does this, as my manager later told me this is how he got through to her that she lost ten hours of her time due to a gambling problem:

Manager: “Ma’am, haven’t you needed to pee in all that time?”

Customer: “Why would I need to pee? I haven’t had a drink since I got here!”

Manager: “Which was twelve hours ago.”

Customer: “Huh. Well, that would explain why I’m thirsty as f***…”