(401): she refuses to pay for the plan b and so do i. it's the most dangerous game of chicken i've ever been involved in. but i have my pride.

(701): Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.

(202): She screams like she's just fallen out of a helicopter when she cums.

(541): for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college

(732): I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?

(519): University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."

(405): I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.

(469): One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism

(304): Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.

(847): He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?

(781): They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys

(512): I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show

(404): Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.

(306): of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak

(818): Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment

(716): she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.

(774): dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high

(360): Naked. Naked is my favorite color.

(780): The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.

(216): There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.