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Trump's AI bot promises every American $5,000 - or more - if he wins

'The idea of giving every American adult $50,000 in cash if the Republicans win the mid-terms wasn't President Trump's idea.'

Jeremynh

Rated Top 10 in the world of satire

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Lords seek assurances assisted dying won’t apply to them

As the House of Commons once again debates assisted dying, the Lords, which rejected the bill last time around, is seeking assurances they won’t be affected.

eppursimuove

Tourists turn UK's cutest cathedral cities into riot zones

Police battling neo-Nazis in balaclavas in Portsmouth and Dover have been pulled off the job to break up riots in abbey ruins and antique shops from Harrogate to St Austells.

Jeremynh

Trump Still Unable to Deliver Wall

A computer game created for the White House government website has been removed due to a potential copyright infringement.

Wally Dug

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'The glass ceiling needs cleaning'

WINNER 'The glass ceiling needs cleaning' by apepper RUNNERS UP Will those help get the stick out of my Tribble? by Sinnick Why must it always be Duster, Cloth, Spray? What's wrong with Rock, Paper, Scissors? by Wally Dug Well, Jim and I love sexual role-play, and I've always fancied Ken Dodd by Rob Falconer 2 bottles of lube and a giant tickling stick - let's party, girls! by Sinnick When you order your wand off Temu. by gichowdotcom Do you reckon it’s safe to eat a lollipop

The Doctor said this would happen if you masturbated

WINNER The Doctor said this would happen if you masturbated by Sinnick RUNNERS UP Well I'm just glad you have finally agreed to do something about not having his umbilical cord cut in the first place. by daveha I told you all the doctors here are nothing but clowns ... by RobFalconer In the year 2038, people got fed up with smartphones, and played with balloons instead by Sinnick THIS is why you shouldn't swallow bubble gum. by daveha Is he taking the piss , he knows I'm in f

He looked at her for the last time. The voices in his headphones said 'push her ejector seat button, push it now'

WINNER He looked at her for the last time. The voices in his headphones said 'push her ejector seat button, push it now' by Matilda RUNNERS UP Shirley could feel herself falling in love - could Veeraswami Easyjet really be the owner of the airline? by robfalconer They both breathed a sigh of relief knowing that Meghan and Harry had missed the plane by Matilda Now they appreciated why there was a detached arm in the seat opposite; it belonged to the unarmed combat instructor w

Breaking News

MPs who voted against Assisted Dying all have shares in Swissair

MPs assist death of bill

Reports that Houthis have seized Mokha dismissed as froth

Sheep dog with 3 legs is diagnosed as having the Collie-wobbles

UK terrorist threat level goes from 'Severe' to 'Still Severe'

Prince William refers to Harry as an 'Anus Horribilis'

Ancient tapestry discovered depicting Welsh history. It’s the Boyo Tapestry

Trump: 'If we win the mid-term elections, I'll spare your first-born children'

Features

'The glass ceiling needs cleaning'

NewsBiscuit

Cartoons

A sweet tasting bribe

Free iPhone Duo for people on benefits.

Thank goodness they now have league tables for schools

The fashion statement

Featured Book

Earth to be Recycled

They've only gone and done it again, despite the court order. The editorial team at NewsBiscuit have compiled another anthology of stories, one-liners and cartoons covering an otherwise quiet twelve-month period in the UK and outside world with fake news, news which should have been fake and sometimes just something that feels funny. The last bit was aimed at the last remaining GP in UK, just in case they're working today. The stories might make you laugh, they might make you

Throngsman

From the Archive

Westminster Abbey 'not available for Coronations' until 2025

'Unfortunately, due to the sudden and quite unexpected passing of her Majesty the Queen, Westminster Abbey is fully booked for the foreseeable,' said a spokesman for the Abbey. 'Sundays are fully booked, obvs, plus there are a myriad of bookings ranging from religious events and secular activities such as a bring and buy next week and an inner-city car boot sale in October. 'Spoons down the road might be able to help, but last time I looked they didn't take bookings. Might

UK wonders if it's suffering from mass hallucination

Across the UK, many are having difficulty believing that what’s currently happening is real. There’s a worldwide pandemic that we still haven’t seen the last of. There’s a war in Ukraine, which Putin started just to show how macho he is and prove he can’t possibly be gay, he just likes having photos taken with his top off. And to prove how sane he is, he’s also literally ‘gas-lighting’ Europe, by turning the gas off and on, probably cackling maniacally as he does so. This yea

Woman calls transport police over train leaving on time

Responding to a recorded message to make contact “if you see something that doesn’t look right”, a woman in Huddersfield today called British Transport Police to the city’s rail station after seeing a Transpennine Express train leave on time. “Watching the 08:35 to Manchester Airport arriving 15 minutes after it was supposed to depart is one of the comforting little rituals of my daily commute” said Tanya Jones, 35. “So when I arrived this morning and saw the train pulling ou

Politics

Lords seek assurances assisted dying won’t apply to them

As the House of Commons once again debates assisted dying, the Lords, which rejected the bill last time around, is seeking assurances they won’t be affected.

Trump's AI bot promises every American $5,000 - or more - if he wins

'The idea of giving every American adult $50,000 in cash if the Republicans win the mid-terms wasn't President Trump's idea.'

Lifestyle

Cap Cap Expected for Northerners

With energy bills set to rise for millions in October as Ofgem increases the energy price cap by 4%, the Government is also expected to announce its widely-anticipated cap cap on Northerners. From 17th October, there will be a limit for people in the north to own no more than two caps - one to wear during the day and one to wear at night in bed - in the hope that people in the south do not get caught out like last year, when a dearth of hats caused excessive banging of teaspo

Council installs post boxes in cemetery

Cheshire East Council has introduced a number of white post boxes in local cemeteries to allow the bereaved to send 'Letters to Loved Ones', providing people with a way to stay connected with loved ones who have died. Visitors can write messages to those they have lost, share memories, mark milestones and continue a conversation by posting letters in the specially-designed boxes. A spooksperson for the Council said, 'The letters would neither be opened nor read and would be h

Tourists turn UK's cutest cathedral cities into riot zones

Police battling neo-Nazis in balaclavas in Portsmouth and Dover have been pulled off the job to break up riots in abbey ruins and antique shops from Harrogate to St Austells.

US decides it is now uninterested in Greenland because it has 'got smaller'

The United Nations General Assembly voted to replace the 16th Century Mercator world map with one that more accurately reflects the actual size of actual places.

Local News

Man shocked he’s still overweight despite owning £5,000 worth of fitness gear

A call centre operator from Overton has revealed that despite spending several thousand pounds on fitness equipment, he remains overweight - something he describes as ‘very disappointing, considering the investment'.

Pompey racists still better than the Southampton ones

The south coast rivalry as to who has the thickest hooligans is no contest, after the people of Portsmouth managed to injure police officers and damage property all in one night.

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Bayeux Tapestry to be updated?

There have been some calls for a modern equivalent of the Bayeux Tapestry to be created so that it appeals to a modern audience. The original Bayeux Tapestry tells the story of the Norman Conquest and the Battle of Hastings in 1066, but some critics have hailed the almost 1000-year-old work of art to be 'out of touch with the reality of today'. Suggestions for an updated version of the tapestry include scenes such as Den and Angie's Christmas Day divorce paper serving, Scott

We love the Nottingham Carnival - except when we don't

It's a marvellous spectacle of arts and culture or a knife fight with fangs, depending on what side of the bed a journalist gets out of. Commented one editor, ‘There was a delightful parade of acrobats and stilt walkers, yet I had a nagging suspicion that at least one of them is fleeing the scene in plain sight. ‘I’m not saying there is anything wrong with brightly coloured wigs, but they are an excellent way of concealing forensic evidence and evading capture. We all love a

Sport
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Entertainment

Inside the BBC's political bunker

Classic News:

If you like these headlines from our archive, why not join our writing team?

Trump's AI bot promises every American $5,000 - or more - if he wins

Do you have a performance or comic writing you would like our help to promote?

Publishing:

Lords seek assurances assisted dying won’t apply to them

Tourists turn UK's cutest cathedral cities into riot zones

Trump Still Unable to Deliver Wall

​

Do you have a performance or comic writing you would like our help to promote?

'The glass ceiling needs cleaning'

The Doctor said this would happen if you masturbated

He looked at her for the last time. The voices in his headphones said 'push her ejector seat button, push it now'

MPs who voted against Assisted Dying all have shares in Swissair

MPs assist death of bill

Reports that Houthis have seized Mokha dismissed as froth

Sheep dog with 3 legs is diagnosed as having the Collie-wobbles

UK terrorist threat level goes from 'Severe' to 'Still Severe'

Prince William refers to Harry as an 'Anus Horribilis'

Ancient tapestry discovered depicting Welsh history. It’s the Boyo Tapestry

Trump: 'If we win the mid-term elections, I'll spare your first-born children'

'The glass ceiling needs cleaning'

A sweet tasting bribe

Free iPhone Duo for people on benefits.

Thank goodness they now have league tables for schools

The fashion statement

Earth to be Recycled

Westminster Abbey 'not available for Coronations' until 2025

UK wonders if it's suffering from mass hallucination

Woman calls transport police over train leaving on time

Lords seek assurances assisted dying won’t apply to them

Trump's AI bot promises every American $5,000 - or more - if he wins

Cap Cap Expected for Northerners

Council installs post boxes in cemetery

Tourists turn UK's cutest cathedral cities into riot zones

US decides it is now uninterested in Greenland because it has 'got smaller'

Man shocked he’s still overweight despite owning £5,000 worth of fitness gear

Pompey racists still better than the Southampton ones

Bayeux Tapestry to be updated?

We love the Nottingham Carnival - except when we don't