When the Heart Is Dragged Back into Memories That Will Not Fade

The Question

I am seeking advice because I do not know how to cope with flashbacks of things that happened in my childhood. As it may be hard to explain directly, please allow me to ask using a parable resembling my own experience. Once, there were people who ran an "accident-staging" scam as a whole family. They would deliberately have a child throw himself at a car, then claim the child had been injured and extort money from the driver. The parent is the one who instigates; the child is the one instigated. Moreover, the child cannot survive if abandoned by the parent, and a parent who would tell a child to fling himself at a moving car has little affection to give. And yet—precisely because that affection is thin—the child desperately supports and loves the parent so as not to be cast aside, pleading, "So please protect me." In this parable, I stand in the child's place. That memory, together with a sense of guilt, keeps surging back again and again.

First, thank you for telling me

You have put into words something from a very deep place and held it out to me. I can only imagine how much courage that took. I understand that flashbacks are truly agonizing—that even when you try by force of will "not to remember," they come rushing at you from the other side. This does not happen because your heart is weak. It is, I believe, the sign of a heart still striving, even now, to process a weight it could not fully bear as a child.

With that said, I have a first request. If the returning memories grow so intense that they invade your daily life, please do not carry it alone—do not hesitate to seek professional help, such as a psychiatrist or a counselor. That is not weakness but a sure step of caring for yourself. What I can offer here is, upon that foundation, a word about your life as seen through the Buddha's eyes.