12 more weeks....

When I went in for my last ultrasound I was discussing with my Doctor how these braxton hicks contractions are killers. I barely remember them with my others, but at times these can bring me to my knees. He smiled and said well you need to realize you are out of the fun phase. You are going to be pretty miserable and need to be aware that your body feels like you are full term. So you need to be extra cautious and aware of what your body is telling you. Looking over the last 28 weeks I have had a smooth pregnancy up to almost 26 weeks. I would wake up each morning make breakfast and my kids and I would do our chores together. At 26 weeks I woke up one morning sick to my stomach and spent most the day in bed. The next day I went to the hospital for contractions and was happy to hear I was not dialating and all was well. At my last appointment everything still looked great. However contractions are a common thing for me now. I am feeling frustrated because I have a to do list that would have taken me two days to finish but is taking me a lot longer. I have to take several rest breaks and if contractions begin I lay down for a few then try to start cleaning again. I am blessed to have my husband work from home because I know this would be impossible without him here to lend a hand.

I am blessed for this opportunity and try to count my blessings on days that I feel discouraged. My goal is to avoid bedrest so if taking a million breaks everyday is what I have to do then I will do it.

Overly blessed

The last couple months have been hard for me. Yesterday as we sat in the Doctors office waiting for our appointment there was one thing on our minds, a heart beat. All we wanted to hear was this baby's heart beat. As the Ultrasound tech was looking around he said, "do you want the good news or even better news?" We still hadn't seen or heard the heart beat so I said, "the even better news." He smiled and said, "you are having twins." Boston and I both said, "Really? Wow!" and kept eagerly awaiting the heart beat. Baby A nice strong heart beat in the 170's. Then Baby B nice strong heart beat also in the 170's. After hearing the hearts beat it started sinking in. Twins? Really! Awesome! Amazing! Holy cow!!!! I shed some tears for we are blessed.

I have always wanted twins and hoped one day to have the opportunity but had figured probably not. We called both our parents and all siblings last night and shared the wonderful news because we couldn't keep it in. We have these perma grins that remind us of when we were engaged. So for the details both babies measures 9 weeks 3 days, they are in seperate sacs, and they appear to have seperate placentas. We were told this is the ideal way of having twins. My due date is October 26th but they don't allow you to go past 38 weeks  with twins before they induce. So October 12th is more the date. AHHHH! We are having twins.

I am so grateful for my loving Heavenly Father and the amazing man, who is my Eternal Companion. These next 7 months will be the longest of my life and amazing.

Memories

As I lay here trying to make my brain stop thinking so I can sleep and praying for my sister in law as she waits for her body to keep progressing so they can meet their daughter, my mind finally took me to memories. With my on going struggle with depression I at times have to fight to find the happy memories through out my life and one of my happiest memories came flooding back. The memory of having Katelyn. It is strange because not only did the memories of the waiting and delivering come back but all the emotions I felt.

I remember the fear I felt as I began the induction process and was trying to get my mind prepared for the unknown. The first night was the longest of my life and to awake and find out the cervadil didn't do anything and have to pray the pitocin would help get me moving. I remember the pain as contractions got harder and trying to figure out how the crap you breathe through the pain (wishing I would have done a birthing class). Then the epidural it was awesome at the time to finally get a break from the pain. I couldn't relax before and I wasn't proogressing. I then got an hour of sleep and woke to sharp pain running down my legs. Then finding out the end was near and I had finally gone from a 3 to an 8. Then the pushing and then finding out the baby was a girl. All the feelings of labor disappeared as they set my beautiful daughter in my arms. She was absolutely perfect and the love I felt was overwhelming. She was finally here. She was MY baby and she is one of my miracles God has blessed me with. I am so grateful for this memory. I am grateful for the three beautiful spirits the Lord has blessed me with.

Trials

Today has to be one of the hardest days and a faith building one. I was excited for today and yet have had an uneasy feeling for a while now and was hoping it was just me over thinking everything. I headed to the Doctor to find out my due date for the 4th little one that would be blessing our home. We went in and I was measuring 8weeks 1 day (around where we were thinking I was). He then measured everything but I wasn't seeing the flutter of the heart you normally see. He then said they wanted to try a vaginal ultrasound and see if he can get a clearer picture. I changed and got ready and made the comment to Boston about no heart beat but maybe I was wrong. He came back with a nurse and kept trying for a heart beat and then the dr came in. I knew in my heart what was going on. He told me that unfortunately for some reason in the last couple days the baby's heart stopped. He then told me to change and we can discuss from there what to do. The ultrasound tech and nurse gave me a hug and said they were sorry then we were left. I cried a little then went in the consult room where another Doctor with tears in her eyes came to talk to me. To apologize and tell me how she has had 3 herself and it hurt her to see me go through it. They said I can wait for nature to take its course or do a d & c. I told them I wanted to just wait and if things didn't happen would go back next week for a d & c.

As we left I just wanted to run to the car and release all the tears welling up. I cried all the way to where we were going for lunch. I have cried off and on but have felt so much peace and comfort. I know the Lord has a plan for me and my family and through a priesthood blessing that the baby fulfilled its purpose. I know the Lord loves me and understands my hurt. I am grateful for eternal families. I am terrified as the days progress and I miscarry this baby. However, I am comforted that I will have the strength to get through it. I am grateful for the 3 little blessings I have already had. I am so lucky there are so many who can't have children and my first three pregnancies resulted in three beautiful children. I am thankful for this trial and the way it has already humbled and taught me so much. I am grateful for the gospel and knowledge that I will get to see my baby. I  grateful for eternal families. I am also thankful for the wonderful man I have to help me through this hard time.

Learning

I have been struggling with my role as a Mother and wife lately. I have felt on many days that I would be better spending my time earning money then being home. Maybe I wasn't made for this role. With these feelings of doubt and not measuring up I have decided to turn to the Lord and start improving myself. To start reading my scriptures and saying my prayers. Reading talks and other things put out through The Church Of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints to help me understand my calling in life and to help me be a better me.

Every night I lay in bed wishing my day had gone better. That I hadn't yelled at my children or gotten upset at them. I think how I want to be a better parent. I want my kids to grow up in a happy loving home and realize it all begins with me. My attitude is everything! I realized that when I get up early, read my scriptures, say prayers, and work out I am a happier person. I have been reading The Parent's Guide and realize I have a lot to improve on, but I am going to do it! I am going to improve myself each day so I can be the best mom I can be for my children. I am going to keep Christ at the center of our home. I am going to work on teaching my children through love and kindness. I am going to change my attitude and make the best out of life.

I am grateful for my children and glad I am going through these experiences that are making me a better person for them. So here is to a better future.

Frustrations

I have been working on losing weight for a while now and I am slowly dropping the lbs, but oh how I wish my body would like me. First it was my knee and I got a knee brace and was able to workout two days before my back went out on me while working out. It is hard. I am trying so hard to lose weight, but the hardest thing is not being able to function 100 percent for my family.

I promised Katelyn we would make pancakes today for breakfast and last night is when I threw out my back working out. So she comes in this morning and climbs into bed with me and I told her to be careful my back was hurting. She laid her head on my side and says, "mom I am sorry you hurt. Can we make the pancakes?" I started to cry remembering my promise the day before realizing I could barely move let alone stand up long enough to help her make the pancakes. My parents ended up coming and getting all the kids for me and I was able to leave and get my back adjusted. I still can only stand so long before I have to sit and rest. So I decided that even if I have to sit fifty times while we make some yummy pancakes tomorrow I will make sure she gets her pancakes. The disappointment on her face this morning has bothered me all day and I don't want to disappoint her. So we are making pancakes and we are going to have fun with them!

Sweet Older Sister

Canon has been sick with the flu bug that has been going around and has been miserable. He has hardly eaten anything today and has been super grouchy. I had my volleyball games in Snowflake tonight and when I got home Boston said that Canon had grabbed his monkeys and was laying on the couch then Katelyn walked over and started singing songs to him and almost had him asleep on the couch. I am sad he didn't record it or get a picture. Even though they fight, Katelyn is such a sweet older sister and would do anything to make him feel better. She is such a little mom. I am grateful for my beautiful children and wonderful husband.