It's that time of the month - therapy!

Four weeks into my new job and it's time for my monthly therapy session.  As a reminder, I'm going once a month in preparation for our frozen embryo transfer early next year.  I'm trying to get in shape physically and mentally beforehand.

We spoke about my new job and how my stress levels were compared to my old one.  She asked me what stressed me the most right now.  I couldn't come up with anything.  I'm sure I have stress, but compared to the hell I was living in, it's nothing I can't deal with.  The main thing that stresses me is when I think back to the old job.

I told her two specific examples:  My old boss dragged his feet when he walked.  When he came up behind me at my desk I could hear his shoes scuffing on the carpet.  I learned to dread that sound.  On my first week in the new job, I heard that old familiar scuffing sound.  I'm still working in the same building, but now I'm on the 17th floor instead of the 11th floor.  He has no reason to be on my new floor, but as soon as I heard that sound I had a physical reaction.  My heart started pounding and I started sweating.

The other thing was a dream I had a few nights ago.  My old boss went on vacation the week I started the new job.  He was out of the country for two weeks.  The night before he was due back to work I dreamed that he and I rode the same elevator and somehow he dragged me back to my old office and forced me to work.  It was awful.

My counselor asked if he reminded me of anyone in my past.  She was trying to figure out why he had such a hold on me.  Why he struck such fear in me and just crippled me.  I couldn't think of anyone that he reminded me of.  In the end, it came down to me feeling like he was holding me down career-wise.  There were so many others who were hired after me and left before me, all the while I was actively looking for a new job.  He has a reputation around the bank, everyone knows how bad it is to work for him.  I've never had great self-esteem and he was just crushing it little by little.  The more time I was stuck with him, the more job interviews that I went on with no job offers, it killed me a little inside over time.  I felt like I was going to be stuck there until I could retire.  Realistically, I knew that wouldn't happen, but emotionally I felt trapped.  He was also a boss who didn't tolerate any kind of mistakes and I would dread telling him when I screwed something up.

After that discussion we did a couple of EMDR sessions and talked about what I can learn from this experience.  We compared my old office to the new one, and how I now know that I will never be stuck in a bad situation because I know that I am strong enough to get out of it.  My new boss has already shown that she understands that people make mistakes.  You find them, fix them and go on.  We're all human and can't be perfect all the time.

It was a good session.  We didn't speak of anything related to infertility, but that's ok.  IF isn't the only thing in my life.  I'm fucked up in other ways too.  :)

How far I've Come

Last night was my monthly Resolve support group meeting.  If you don't recall, I recently took over leading the group along with one other person.  She does a lot of the background stuff (reserving rooms, helping with getting speakers, etc) while I handle the email account and actually go to all of the meetings.

There were 4 people at the meeting not including me.  Unfortunately there was some kind of children's activity going on in the auditorium right across from our meeting room.  I walked down the stairs and the first thing I saw was a sign that said, "Stroller Parking" and an obviously pregnant women directing people.  "Great", I thought.  Just what an infertile needs to see on her way to a support group.

Two of the women there last night were in a very raw place emotionally.  Both of them were crying when telling their stories.  I remembered back to the first time I cried at one of the meetings.  It was when we first found out about my husband's count.  We literally found out that day and I went to the meeting that evening.  I hadn't cried about it until I spoke the words out loud.  I was devastated.  One of the women last night is in between IVF cycles, but she found out after the first one that she might be in early menopause at age 32.  My heart went out to her.  Again, I went back to another point on our journey, after the first egg retrieval when they were only able to get three eggs.  I was blindsided by that.  I was only 27!  What the hell was going on?  Then my thoughts went to the meeting that I went to about a week after we found out that the second IVF wasn't successful.  I was holding back tears (unsuccessfully) the whole time.

In contrast to that I was just thinking today that I'm in a good place.  I can honestly say for the first time in a long while that I'm more happy than sad.  Much of that is probably due to the combination of lex.a.pro, well.butr.in and x.a.nax, but even more is due to the help that I've gotten from my support group and the friendships I have made through it.  That's why I volunteered to take over the group when the former leader couldn't do it anymore.

I have done a lot of emotional healing over the past year.  We have our last frozen embryo transfer coming up early next year.  When I think about it, I'm not overcome by anxiety.  I don't worry about what will happen if it doesn't work.  I'm just busy living right now.  And it feels good.

I love my therapist!

A few weeks ago when I got the call offering me my new job my first thought was, "I can't wait to tell my therapist!".  Besides infertility, one of the main topics of discussion in our sessions is how much I hate my job.  

I think I've blogged about it, but I'm going to my therapist once a month in preparation for our frozen embryo transfer which will happen early next year.  I went to see her about two weeks ago and was busting at the seams to tell her about the new job.  I'm not one to believe in fate and all that, but it seems that now, after a shitty few years, things finally seem to be falling into place.  I got the promotion at work, and then I got offered the new job.  I'm in my second week on the job and so far I'm really enjoying it.  My manager and co-worker are both extremely nice and fun to work with.  

But back to therapy.  Since the main focus of our sessions is getting myself ready for the embryo transfer, she managed to bring everything back to that.  If you recall, at my last session, we worked on making myself open to the transfer, instead of concentrating on the negatives and percentages, chance of success/failure.  This time, we talked about my new job and how so many different insignificant things had to fall into place for me to get the offer.  I had to be in a place where I had enough courage to even apply for the job.  They posted the job at just the right time for me to see it, etc etc.  It was the right thing at the right time.  Then she said it's the same for the embryo transfer.  Just like everything fell into place this time, things can fall into place again for the transfer.  The last two IVFs didn't work, but there is no reason that the upcoming transfer won't.  We did more EMDR surrounding this train of thought.  

I left the appointment feeling great.  She's like the validating parent that I never had growing up.  She tells me I'm right and makes me feel good about myself.  :)  I wish I could carry a mini version of her in my purse all the time.