My Family Knows My Secret, Amongst Other Things

I had a pretty emotional week...I basically had a nervous breakdown Wednesday night, triggered by my counselling session earlier in the day. It’s a story I want to share in another post, but what you need to know for now is that I was extremely anxious to the point where I couldn’t sleep and my mind kept ruminating to the point where I just felt helpless and alone.

The anxiety and fear of being alone was so bad I just had to talk to someone, so I decided to tell everything to the person I trusted the most at the time, my mom. Being up the whole night, I pulled her aside as soon as I heard her up and I started telling her about counselling, what we talked about that had stressed me out and just all the worries that were coming to my head. And she comforted me through it all, but of course she wanted to know what had made me decide to go see Liz in the first place. I hesitated for a second, but by then I was just so emotional and had everything on the table, plus she seemed more concerned about my deteriorating mental health, so I went and told her how I went after coming out to Lindsay and the loneliness that came from her pulling back. We both glossed over the fact that I had admitted I was struggling with my sexuality to talk about my other worries, but we eventually got to discuss it later. 

My mom’s been extremely supportive about the whole thing. She told my dad and my sister about most things we talked about, including my sexuality issues, so I wouldn’t get stressed over it, which is fine by me. I don’t think there was going to be an easy/non-awkward/casual way of telling my dad, so I’m okay with that, but I was hoping my sister would get to hear it from my mouth, rather than my mom’s. But whatever, I’m just happy that they know, and that they’re supportive and accepting of everything that’s going on. My sister let me know today that she’s always there to talk and support me, and that nothing I could ever say would faze her. She also told me that she’s always looked p to me, which was really uplifting. 

My mom and I have had a few conversations about my sexuality; it’s really weird for me to be talking about my attractions with my mom, but I explained (awkwardly and nervously) the different dimensions of my attractions to men and women, about all the hiding and my feelings on being confused and the LGBT community. She’s told me some of the coming out experiences of some of her gay/lesbian friends and the happiness they’ve found in their partners, which was comforting not only to hear about other people’s experiences, but it showed my mom’s acceptance of the LGBT community. She even offered to get one of her gay friends to talk with me about his experiences. Not sure if I’m going to take her up on the offer, but it might be interesting. Anyway, what she tells me following every conversation is that she just wants to see me happy with someone, whether it be a man or a woman, that they can support me and for me to equally support them. I’m sure hoping for the same thing. :)

So there you have it. It wasn’t the cleanest way of coming out to my family and not at all how I planned it, but I’m glad it’s known and that weight is off my shoulders. Best of all, I’ve got my family behind my back. :)

What's up, buttercup?

Nothing too crazy going on in my life right now, but in the interest of opening myself up more, I thought I’d try and mention some of the small, random going-ons with me.

1) The parental units...are on vacation for a week, without me and my sister naturally. It’s going to be really weird, since my dad normally works from home and my mom is “semi-retired”, so there’s always someone around the house. I’m sort of “excited” having to fend for myself...I’ve lived with my parents all my life and I guess I’m spoiled in the sense that my mom feels obligated to do the cooking and cleaning being at home all the time, so I don’t ever have to worry about that. I just want to prove to myself that I’m perfectly capable on my own and not completely reliant on my parents for everything. Probably sounds crazy to any of you living on your own, but I guess the grass is always greener.

2) Brian and Nate know 5 gays amongst the two of them – No, wait...scratch that. One is a mutual friend between all of us. So technically 4, excluding myself of course. It doesn’t really surprise me, but hearing that was sort of a reality check for me...it’s not going to be easy for them, or for me dealing with this whole bi thing. There’s going to be a lot of questions, a lot of things they probably won’t understand, at least I think. It’s just another one of those things that’s freaking me out a little and I’d rather not have to deal with it, but we’ll see about that. In the end though, they’re still my buddies, so I think everything will be alright, but not without some little bumps along the way.

3) Old crushes – It’s kind of funny, I start blogging about how I like guys and how that’s played with my head, and then I see two old (female) crushes I haven’t seen since high school within a week. I saw one on the bus, but was too shy (and frankly, embarrassed) to say anything. I’m pretty sure my feelings were known to her, and well, things didn’t work out, whatever the situation was. C’est la vie. The other is actually good friends with Danny, and I said a quick hi to her at Danny’s birthday party that she was hosting. She’s a little bit different than I last remember her (a little more party-girl), but still cool to see her nonetheless. Both are still pretty cute, though...bloody “straight-ish” guy mind.

4) Time and weather – Summer must have forgotten about Vancouver...while the rest of North America is stuck in a proverbial heat wave, I think we’ve been lucky to get MAYBE 2 or 3 actual, bright, sunny days this month. That means not nearly as much hiking and volleyball-playing as I would have liked so far, but what can you do? I also registered for classes last week, just another sign summer’s slowly coming to an end. On the other hand, I always like going back to school in the fall: I’m all refreshed from the summer break, all ready to learn (such a nerd) and it’s a fun atmosphere with all the excited first-year students around and welcoming events going on.

5) I wish I had a Golf R to drift around in :( (Thanks Insideline!)

And yeah, that’s about it. Got another long weekend ahead of me (yay BC Day), so free time to blog, get outside, eat, hang out with friends...it's gonna be sweet.

-Matt