2013 is coming to an end

I barely blogged this year and it seems like it was just New Year's day yesterday. I'm amazed this year went by so incredibly fast. Where did the time go? Granted I was working two part time jobs, going out almost every weekend, going on dates here and there, and trying to make new friends.

I'm no closer to moving out as I was 11 months ago. And that's ok. I lost count of how many times I've come home late and found the back door unlocked. Which obviously means my parents still need me here to check the door nightly, right? I guess the fact that our house was burglarized last year while I was away at school still doesn't scare them. I've always been the cautious type anyway.

This year my dad taught me how to invest some of my hard earned cash and it has been pretty lucrative. I'm pretty happy with the results so far, but the market does have ups and downs. But overall, I'm up. Which puts me a step closer to putting a down payment on my own place.

Job hunting fucking sucks. I'm really lucky my parents let me stay with them, with free room & board... and car usage, and basically gas too now that I think of it. I only pay for my cell phone, food when I go out, and anything else I want to buy. Providing the necessities on my own, at this point, would prove to be very very difficult without them. So so grateful. I just hope one day I can repay them somehow.

I guess I'm feeling a little nostalgic for the fleeting year of 2013, now that it's a day or two from Thanksgiving.

One more (simple) thing off the bucket list

Phrases that sound better in an Australian accent: 

-"You're really cute"

-"You're a good kisser"

-"Goodnight"

:)

Wake me up in San Francisco

I guess this is my New Years 2013 post. I just had a weird conversation with my Mom about what I’m doing with my life, and how my Dad literally told her that he doesn’t really approve of some of my friends, or maybe he meant the “lifestyle” that I partake in every now and then. And apparently, neither does she. I’m sorry, but it’s my life. I understand that they have more wisdom and experience, but if I’m going to make mistakes or friend the “wrong types”, so be it. I have always tried to take responsibility for my actions, and I’m confident that they have instilled a strong sense of identity, morality, and compassion in me for the last 23 (almost 24?!?)

Lately I’ve been venturing into the city a lot. More often than usual. As in, almost every other day since I’ve been working less. And each time, I fall in love with San Francisco just a little bit more. It’s hard to pinpoint what exactly is happening, but it seems like a combination of the people, the scenery, the smells (yes, even the bad ones), the food, the guys, the air.

Having lived in the LA suburbs for the first 11 years of my life, and then moving to Oakland with my family, I’m starting to understand how special that little 7 square mile city truly is. Special, even in all its problems and craziness. I’m at that age/stage where my family is an important part of my life (always will be), but independence is becoming more of a desire, a goal, a wishful reality.
I’ve always been pretty fortunate (too much so?) that my parents give me a ton more freedom than some of my friends. And I’m thankful for them always providing that freedom, but also while keeping a warm nest (both physically and emotionally), or base, for me to return to when my (social) life gets overwhelming.

I’ve officially been out of college for 5 months, and jumping into the workforce has made me grow even more than I thought possible in these past few months. It’s exciting and terrifying at the same time. I’ve also learned a lot about myself since then. And I’m thankful to have a job when there are so many people out there who don’t have one, let alone a roof over their heads, clothing on their back, or food on the table.

So I guess today I’m feeling incredibly introspective, lucid, and thankful. Especially since it’s the 2nd day of 2013, and I’m really looking forward to what this year has to offer, or what I’ve got to make of it. All of it. The ups and downs, the challenges and goals, the laughter and the tears.

Last week I told my mom that I have set a goal for myself to move out of the house by 25. She laughed. Secretly though, I’m making it a personal goal to do it this year. For better or worse, because I know I can’t live under their roof forever, so why not start now?

Don't Rush

It's really rough when you know with all your heart you've found something or someone that you've always been wanting to find, and then it doesn't work out the way you thought it was headed. 

I met this great guy at a New Year's Eve party that I wasn't even supposed to go to. We went on several few dates, he let me spend the night, and I thought there was a good connection, but turns out that wasn't the case. From what I understand, the only thing that is stopping him from considering seriously dating me is the fact that I'm generally introverted and shy. He wants to be with someone who is more extroverted than him, but not as much as his exes. Um, that's specific. That is what is preventing him from developing a mental attraction to me?

He says he's really good at judging those kinds of things, and maybe that's true. But can you really know the real person in just a week? Doubtful.

I don't think that being introverted or extroverted should play such a huge factor in whether you want to date someone. Because after all, the relationship involves just two people, does it not? When he told me I was too reserved for him, it was kinda harsh, even though he said I shouldn't change who I am.  Granted, he just turned 30 and is basically set with where he's going in life, so I'm also assuming he feels that being at different stages in life isn't going to work either although he did not voice this. But what he wants and what I want out of a relationship are the same.

Maybe the way I am looking at it is still juvenile, but I can't really grasp this idea of social style. I am a damn good guy, considerate, patient, and kind. What else can you ask for? Of course, I can't try to change his mind, and changing my personality, while possible, is incredibly difficult. It's easy to have a physical connection, but a mental one is incredibly hard. But can that mental one be developed? Is that one little detail about being outgoing and a social butterfly really the deal breaker?

I'm so tired of this happening to me. I end up liking a guy more than he likes me, and that is guaranteed setup for disappointment. How can I change this? I don't want to keep falling for someone who is just gonna toss me away like a piece of trash. I mean, it wasn't that dramatic - he was really nice and gentle in the way he said it, and he still wants to be friends if that is possible. I think that's a good idea.

Everyone enters your life for a reason (and most of the time we don't know why), and whether or not they stay in it is up to fate, destiny, and/or luck. I think I'm also just lonely. My family and friends are the best people I could ever have in my life, and I am so very thankful for their support and patience with me. It's just that things like this really get to me, and I know it's not intended to be personal, but it is.

Oh well. Time to focus on myself and better every aspect of my identity and soul. I just have to keep telling myself that I'm young and should be developing to become an adult who contributes to society. I think I've already got the foundation. It's just going to take time.

I'm on the market again (lolz)

Well Hawaii boy didn't last long. I've been single for about 3 months now. A few dates here and there. Some seemed promising but they always flaked out when we talked about meeting up a second time.

Recently I've had better luck. All I can hope to come of is to make some new connections. It would be awesome to meet someone special, but (and I tell myself this every time), I need to just let things happen naturally. If you push something, it seems inevitable that it won't feel natural.

How can you tell if a guy really (and I mean really) likes you? Aside from smiles or laughing at your jokes, I mean. Because those could just be a sign of friendship or enjoying your company. I'm so bad at dating and reading guys.

I feel like I don't really ask for much. Just show that you care, that you want to work things out, and put in some effort. I just need a tiny bit of reassurance that you want to be together. We are in it together, aren't we?

I'm afraid to tell you things like this because I know you have a lot on your plate right now. But don't forget that this is just as hard for me as it is for you. Life doesn't stop for anyone. We just have to find a way to nurture it, and keep it special.

Insecurities

This morning I woke up on the wrong side of bed. All these insecurities started haunting me about the new dating/relationship situation that I'm in. I stalked his facebook, and my assumptions/intuition/craziness got to me. Maybe it would be better to ask him straight up instead of sit here and mope about it.

But then again, does it matter if whether or not he was seeing someone else shortly before we met? I mean, he did cry in front of me several times (we both did), but what about for the other guy? Again, assuming they were dating or whatever...

I've never considered myself an extremely jealous or possessive person, but this has brought out a different side. And I don't like it. I'm sure if we were closer to each other, my sentiments would be different, but I just can't help it. I'm afraid someone better, cuter, and hotter will snatch him away from me.

It finally hit me that this is going to be one of the hardest things I'll ever try. Life is rarely perfect, it will throw shit at you one day and pillows another day, it will show you a treasure full of gold and then take it away... But you just have to make the most of it, because if things work out, then it will have been worth every single tear, struggle, and heartache.

Of course, hearing his voice and seeing his face via Skype is the highlight of my day. I have never EVER felt like this (even with the first bf) about anyone before, so even the emotions are still very new to me.  The butterflies in my stomach are made of iron.

EDIT: we talked on the phone for a bit, and I'm more reassured now. Phew.

Long Distance

I've never tried this before with such uncertainty, and especially not with someone I recently met. But we both feel like there's something special here, so we've agreed to give it our best shot. It's day 2, and I've milked Skype dry.

I miss him terribly, and am already planning a trip out there.

Thank you, Grindr.

A little over a month ago, one morning while I was at school, I logged onto Grindr. Funny enough, it had a malfunction and was putting me in the most random places. This cute, mixed guy messaged me from Hawaii.  We chatted for a little bit after I told him I was from California, it but didn't go further.

Fast forward to about a week ago, and he messages me again, but this time from only a few miles away. He happens to be in town since earlier this month and is just visiting for a couple weeks. We decide to hang out, and I've spent most of the last four days with him.

Thing is, he's going home Wednesday. On the other hand, he has been thinking about moving out here for some time now.

I hate it when stuff like this happens, but it's events like this that make you think if there is a higher being, or if it's just coincidence. Most likely the latter. It seems like a corny gay movie plot line. Boy meets boy due to a grindr malfunction. Oh no, is my life a corny gay movie?

We come from pretty different backgrounds, and yet we have both experienced a lot in life. At nearly 22 years, he seems more mature than his age would let on. And I've fallen pretty hard for this one.

I've already met his gay uncle and partner, and he's met some of my closest friends. When I'm with him, it's like I don't have a care in the world, but in the back of my mind I already know how difficult it will be to say goodbye, or at least farewell for now.

We both expressed that we want to keep getting to know each other, even from half an ocean away. Thanks to technology, this might actually, just maybe, have a way of working out.

Right before we first me, I told myself not to fall too much for him that I wouldn't be able to pick myself up. Because that's happened before. But sometimes your heart doesn't give a crap about what your brain thinks. And for me, the heart is easily the stronger of the two.

Dear Mom,

Thank you for the last 23 or so years of always being there as a source of guidance and warmth. You always say that you don't think you did a very good job of raising my brother and I, but you and Dad did a pretty fine damn good job, if I may say so.

Four years ago, almost to the exact date, I finally collected just enough courage to tell you probably the biggest secret I had ever had to keep to myself. The news that I liked guys didn't seem to phase you one bit, and without losing a beat, you cracked a joke and hugged me tightly, assuring me that it didn't matter one bit. I knew you would be alright with it, thanks to a conversation about California legalizing same-sex marriage just days before.

It wasn't until last year when you confided that for the first year after I came out to you, there wasn't a day that went by when you didn't worry or think about my safety and health. I was a little saddened that you would thought I might contract HIV/AIDS and end up dying young, but a little educating on my part helped change that. And you know me, I tend to live life on the cautious side.

Coming out to you is one of the best decisions I've made in my life so far. I don't think I could measure how close we have become in just the past few years. I am so lucky to call you not only a great mother, but one of the best friends any young gay man could hope for.

Even though you continue to advise me not to come out to Dad just yet, I know that it's only for his (and everyone else's) best interest. But I know it's hard for you to keep this a secret too. Whenever he says something that comes off as homophobic or intolerant (which hasn't happened in a while), you are so quick to counter his remarks with a positive one - this truly makes my boiling blood cool down.

For Mother's Day weekend, when I came home to surprise you, you gave me a rainbow bracelet that you had accepted while at some fair of sorts. You may not have known (but you probably secretly know), that literally brought me tears of joy, because sometimes I really dislike being a member in this "community". You were right in telling a very naive 19 year old version of me that there is a lot of adversity and intolerance towards us.  But I want you to know that your support, actions, and kind words have provided me with an everlasting shield that nothing can get through.

So this is basically what I wanted to write in that Mother's Day card I never got around to give to you. I'm not sure if I'll show you this just yet... maybe someday soon, or perhaps on my wedding day.

Some day I will have it all, like these two

Doesn't necessarily have to be with a white guy and a daughter of course!

The two dads in the picture wrote a note to their cute little kid here.

I came across that site a couple days ago and couldn't stop reading. The sentiments on there are just so... sweet. And touching. Yes, I teared up quite a lot.

It makes me want to write a letter like that to my mom/brother/friends/relatives. Maybe next post.

EDIT: Robert graciously notified me that the link was incorrect, so here's the right one :)

A dream about coming out to Dad

In this dream, my family and I were on the road heading to dinner or some sort. Mom was driving, Dad in the front passenger seat, and my brother and I in the back seat. The details are a bit fuzzy, but I remember that somehow the topic of relationships came up.

I remember my palms starting to get sweaty, trying to come up with legitimate sounding responses. I think in my dream, at the time, I was seriously dating someone (a guy) and I had introduced him to my parents as a "friend".

My dad turned around, looked directly at my and asked, "So... that friend of yours we met, are you seeing him?"

My jaw dropped. I stumbled for words. "What do you mean?... I, uh... Dad, do you know?"

He nodded, patted my leg, and smiled. Tears began streaming down my face and I couldn't contain myself.

And then I woke up.

Time to be an adult (almost)

Graduation is less than 4 weeks away. Help me. I'm about to move back home and be a college grad bum with no clear plan about what to do next. This is scary...

Déjà vu

Last night I had a dream where my first boyfriend and I got back together... It was pretty strange. It was as if nothing had happened and we started where we left off. Of course, this would never happen in reality.

After thinking about it for a bit I think it might stem from my desire to be in a relationship. All the guys I've dated since he and I went our separate ways have been sort of a let down and/or nothing ever came of it. Not their fault of course.

It all comes back to this one thing... I am too picky. If a guy doesn't come close enough to my preferences for intellectual/emotional capacity or isn't exactly physically gifted then there's almost nothing that can be done.  This is annoying because I am fully aware that nobody is perfect and I am far from it.

Earlier this month I met this guy on Grindr (lol), a 29 year old grad student. We had been chatting for well over a month without much suggestion to actually meet in person until I finally summoned the courage to do so. We've gone out on five lunch dates. On the second one, he showed me his office with a view and attempted to make a move. I sort of freaked out and he didn't push it.

On date five (last night) I met his roommates, and was finally able to let down my guard a little. We kissed in his room, but I'm not sure if I'm crazy about him. How does one know? I don't feel butterflies in my stomach when I'm around him (maybe they're all dead). He is a pretty good looking guy, with kind eyes and a bit of scruff. But I feel like there is definitely something missing. Our interactions feel awkward to me, and at times it feels forced on my end.

With only a little over a month of school left until graduation, I know this has to end eventually. The cautious and conservative side of me is telling me to not get too involved, but rather focus on school. The carefree and uninhibited side says to enjoy it while it lasts. Typical pisces mentality at its finest. Maybe the former is trying to form a self-defense mechanism so I don't end up falling for him with the limited time left.

This feels like a déjà vu from two years ago.

If you're hating me, do it honestly.

I wish people would be a little more upfront about their feelings. People say nice or comforting things they don't really mean, they do things that hurt others, maybe unintentionally or intentionally. This insincerity and two-faced bullshit is enough to kill a person's soul. OK maybe I'm being dramatic.

While I'm definitely not innocent of this, I am pushing to improve myself. But as usual, I find it really hard to stand up for myself and I don't know why. Maybe I'm crazy or have some sort of emotional S&M storm going on in my head. Who knows.

Losing one friend because of some stupid drama is pretty bad, but to lose two friends, one that you consider(ed?) your best friend, is magnified even more. I don't think I can describe how much betrayal I am feeling right now. Maybe I haven't heard the whole story but I really wish we could meet halfway. The ironic thing is that this hurts me more than any boyfriend problem has.

So please, face me and make me listen to the truth even if it breaks me. Don't I deserve at least that?

23

I am taking a break from writing my 15 page paper, studying for finals, and preparing for a presentation to reflect on the 23 years that I have been living. Also because I had two strong cups of coffee and am feeling kinda jittery at the moment.

Facebook was kind enough to remind me!

Today is my birthday, and it's been a pretty regular day so far. Last night a couple friends surprised me by taking me out to a Japanese restaurant for Sake bombs (first time) and then we ended up across the street at this "White Trash" bar (not my words, but a rather accurate description) and had Irish Car Bombs and played some billiards. My brother actually called me right after midnight, and he's the only one who has called so far, which is kinda surprising - aside from being home for vacations and breaks, we don't keep in touch as often as I'd like, but I guess that is to be expected.

By the time we got back to my friends' apartment, I was slightly buzzing (lightweight here), but we continued to nurse some wine and beer. Then a mutual friend of fratboy and mine invited him over... not as awkward as I had expected. It started raining like hell, and we finally headed home at 4am. Fratboy and I hugged and his lips kinda lingered near my cheek so that was kinda weird, but he was drunk (surprise). He looked good though.

Ever since going off to college near 5 years ago, I'd like to think that I've grown a lot as a person (that usually happens to people right?) Especially in the last couple years though, I have had a more conscious awareness/understanding of some personality and social change that has been going on in my constantly turning little mind. I think (hope) that's a good thing. Change is good right?

So who knows what this next chapter of near-end-of-college life will bring. With one quarter of undergrad and a few junior college classes left, I think it's time to start preparing for adult life about now. As much as I'm ready to go off into the "real world" and try to make a difference, I'm already starting to miss college. It's a feeling that I definitely did not anticipate.

Well I've spent more time than I should have on this entry. So much for a reflection... more like reflection-lite?

Hope everyone is wearing green and getting lucky today!

Any advice on how to beat a speeding ticket in court?

Back in December when I was driving home with my housemate for winter break, we were pulled over for speeding. I was driving his Prius because he was tired from work, but I was tired from just having taken two finals and had slept only a few hours the night before. But he wanted to leave that night anyway, so we left around 7. By then it was already dark. Only half an hour into the drive, as we were going up an incline on the 101, a cop's parking lights suddenly turned on along the shoulder and I began to pray that it wasn't meant for me... but it was.

Of course I slowed down and the officer continued to follow for a good minute. Then the sirens and lights came on. Awesome.

He said he pulled me over for speeding at 80 mph... in a Prius... going up a steep incline. I don't claim to be an expert about cars (though I believe I am), but the Prius is so underpowered and was designed for fuel efficiency, not speeding, especially not uphill!

To be honest, I don't remember the speed I was going, but I was definitely going slower than traffic and stayed in the right lane. He asked how fast I thought I was going, and I guessed around 70. To which he responded that the speed limit was 65 (no speed limits posted). I was respectful throughout the whole thing and explained to him that I had never driven my housemate's car before and asked him for a warning because it was my first moving violation in the 6+ years I've been driving. He asked where we were headed, and we responded we were heading back to the bay area, still 300 miles away. He left with my driver's license and the car registration and came back with a yellow slip. He had written me down for 75. I was practically begging for him not to do that, but what was done was already done, and he sent us on our merry 5 more hours of driving.

I feel that I was wrongfully charged with this infraction for a number of reasons:

1) I was going the same speed, if not slower, than other cars. The officer said I was at the front of the group of cars, which is possible if everyone had passed me just beforehand right?

2) I'm pretty sure that had I been an Asian girl or a White person, he would have let me off with a warning. I mean he did put me down for going 75 instead of 80, but I wasn't thinking fast enough to ask to see the speed gun. But I can't help but feel like his issuing a ticket was a result of my ethnicity. I didn't tell him this, but just minutes before he pulled me over, several cars passed us going much faster. Can or should I use this in court?

3) OR maybe because he saw that two males were involved, he might have assumed that we were gay and thus let that play a factor in it. My housemate was wearing very short shorts after all, and the officer spoke to me through the passenger side window. Even though he didn't say anything that would send a reg flag up for homophobia, does one have to be vocal about their prejudices in order for it to show? I think not.

I told my parents the moment I got home and they laughed about it. And then the official ticket came in the mail about a week later. The bail came in at several hundred bucks + traffic school fees. And no one was laughing anymore. My mom advised me to be persistent about claiming that I was going no more than 65 and that everyone else was going the same speed. She also shared the story of a friend of her's who was pulled over for speeding, but got away without a ticket by playing the race card right there on the spot with the officer.

Now, I haven't had a real source of income since leaving my job at the library in June 2010 because my grades were suffering from not being able to find a balance between work/school/social life. I'm a bit embarrassed to admit that since then I've been relying on my parents to support me (albeit in exchange for helping cut trees/paint walls/etc) and I don't want them to have to pay for a mistake that I made. I've been looking (maybe a too passively) for a part time job since I came back from studying abroad, and applied to many but to no avail.

The court date has been set for next Wednesday, at 8am. Ironically, I have to drive through the same route that I was pulled over in order to reach the courthouse. If anyone has any advice or suggestions on what I can do or say to make the judge rule in my favor, I would greatly appreciate it.

Even if I lose the case, at least I will have tried. If the judge rules in favor of the officer, I will ask for community service or something to reduce or omit the cost of the ticket. I'm also thinking about pulling the race and/or sexual orientation card(s) as a last resort, or maybe that should come first?

But at the same time, I want to just forfeit the money and not deal with the whole thing. That would be admitting defeat though, and I'm trying to come up with enough courage to face it.

It seems that law enforcement seems to be always there when you don't want them to, and never there when you need them to. To "Protect and Serve" is a load of bullshit. Three months after the incident, and I'm hoping he doesn't show up to court, or that I somehow manage to persuade the judge to rule in my favor.

At what age does one become...

AN ADULT???

And I mean a real adult. Not like, turning 18 and no longer being a minor, or turning 21 and being able to purchase the boozes. But like, a mental/psychological/emotional state of adulthood. Is it a mental state of being? A physical state?

Yours truly is turning 23 in exactly 2 weeks, and it's a bit unsettling. Yes, we all age and that's the cycle of life. Though after turning 18, I never expected each birthday to come quicker and quicker. It seems like last month I was celebrating my birthday abroad in a a foreign country. And here we are, 351 days later (352? Leap Day messed with my mind so many times this week), 14 days from my first "mid-20s years".

I don't really know what the hell I'm going to do after graduation. I'll be finished up at my university in June, and then I'll have 3 classes to take over the summer/fall at my local junior college. Sure, I have a few ideas, such as applying to law school (lol), getting teaching credentials, going to cosmetology school (too stereotypical? I recently cut my own hair and it didn't turn out all that bad), teaching English abroad. My parents say, "Don't worry about it for now and just focus on finishing school. Work will come later. Just enjoy your last year of undergrad."

In a way, I'm terrified of what's going to happen in this next chapter of my life. Aside from working at my university library, and some odd jobs here and there, I don't really have much work experience. And isn't work experience really important to a prospective employer nowadays? I think I have a good amount to offer in terms of social, logical, and mental skills, but is that enough? I mean I guess I could always work at a fast food place or something (nothing wrong with that).

Or find a sugah daddy. Just kidding.