It's been a long time since I last posted and I feel bad for those that actually read this blog and left you wondering what happened to me. Just needed to take some time off from this 'other' world that I live in and deal with the reality of life before the PC and that 'real' life is not always so pretty is it? Anyway, I'm OK and will attempt to write with a little more regularity in the future about the other responsibilities of life as we know it (or think we do).
There's a lot that I could write about from these past two months but the censor at hand will prevail and share what is right and of value. It's been such that I haven't even worked on my manuscript lately.
Anyway, it's late and it's been a tough work week so until later....
Hugs, Elly
Friday, July 8, 2011
Thursday, April 21, 2011
It's Medication Time....
One of the greatest lines from the novel written by Ken Kesey, and the movie that starred Jack Nicholson: "One Flew Over the Cookoo's Nest".
Tuesday was Therapy Day for me with "J", she's great and I'm very fortunate to have found her locally (well, 40 minutes drive time from home). One of the topics of conversation was the idea that the normally wonderful Ms 'C' thought that it was essential that I go on 'medication', to improve my mood, there's something wrong with me and lots of people are on 'meds'. Well, I have had a lot of experience on psychotropic meds, they almost killed me back in 1997 (I was 46 at the time-do the math to see how old I'm not); I had a massive heart attack (also know as a Myocardial Infraction) in part, by the heavy psychotropic meds that I was taking to make me feel 'good'. In short, it wasn't the drugs, but a genetic 'thing'; but it got me to thinking that medication is good for some things but not always good for others. The medication didn't make my life better, it was a situational thing; I was in a really bad romance (think Lady Gaga) and the only cure was to divorce my wife. Had I not, I wouldn't have lived long, my daughters would have been fatherless. I took the expensive and painful approach and went thru with divorce so that I could live. My mood improved and I fell in love yet again-though with a bit more caution this time, I think moving to The Sunshine State (Florida-USA) also helped. Medication is not always the answer, in my case I 'passed' the test this past Tuesday; I'm not a candidate for referral to a psychiatrist for medication-at this time.
Those of us that have been gifted with being transgender need to realize this wonderful gift that we have been given is an outlook on life that is different from others; we can see both sides-I am Man and I am Woman! Wow! Fluid gender identity, two-spirit, and bi-gendered; it all works for me to describe how I feel about myself. Now, I just need to have others accept it, like Ms C...
Hugs, Elly
Tuesday was Therapy Day for me with "J", she's great and I'm very fortunate to have found her locally (well, 40 minutes drive time from home). One of the topics of conversation was the idea that the normally wonderful Ms 'C' thought that it was essential that I go on 'medication', to improve my mood, there's something wrong with me and lots of people are on 'meds'. Well, I have had a lot of experience on psychotropic meds, they almost killed me back in 1997 (I was 46 at the time-do the math to see how old I'm not); I had a massive heart attack (also know as a Myocardial Infraction) in part, by the heavy psychotropic meds that I was taking to make me feel 'good'. In short, it wasn't the drugs, but a genetic 'thing'; but it got me to thinking that medication is good for some things but not always good for others. The medication didn't make my life better, it was a situational thing; I was in a really bad romance (think Lady Gaga) and the only cure was to divorce my wife. Had I not, I wouldn't have lived long, my daughters would have been fatherless. I took the expensive and painful approach and went thru with divorce so that I could live. My mood improved and I fell in love yet again-though with a bit more caution this time, I think moving to The Sunshine State (Florida-USA) also helped. Medication is not always the answer, in my case I 'passed' the test this past Tuesday; I'm not a candidate for referral to a psychiatrist for medication-at this time.
Those of us that have been gifted with being transgender need to realize this wonderful gift that we have been given is an outlook on life that is different from others; we can see both sides-I am Man and I am Woman! Wow! Fluid gender identity, two-spirit, and bi-gendered; it all works for me to describe how I feel about myself. Now, I just need to have others accept it, like Ms C...
Hugs, Elly
Wednesday, April 20, 2011
In the Company of Men...
Today, I had to join some of my work comrades for a 'field trip' to make observations and take field dimensions and photos of what we need to design to. The drive to the site was about two hours and was filled with much 'guy talk'-I remained silent.
I didn't fit in...
Once we arrived at the job site, we were meet by two other guys who we were to work with from the primary contractor, they brought us to the job site by barge to the work site. It was a day of 'guys on a job-site'; I was way out of my comfort zone, and the best place was to be far from others, not much room on a barge of it's size.
I didn't feel good...
We finished our tasks for the day and drove back (I drove) to our facility.
I was the loner...
I was 'the girl'; except, they didn't know...
Hugs, Elly
I didn't fit in...
Once we arrived at the job site, we were meet by two other guys who we were to work with from the primary contractor, they brought us to the job site by barge to the work site. It was a day of 'guys on a job-site'; I was way out of my comfort zone, and the best place was to be far from others, not much room on a barge of it's size.
I didn't feel good...
We finished our tasks for the day and drove back (I drove) to our facility.
I was the loner...
I was 'the girl'; except, they didn't know...
Hugs, Elly
Tuesday, April 19, 2011
"It's Medication Time..."
One of the greatest lines from the novel written by Ken Kesey, and the movie that starred Jack Knickolson: "One Flew Over the Cookoo's Nest".
Tuesday was Therapy Day for me with "J", she's great and I'm very fortunate to have found her locally (well, 40 minutes drive time from home). One of the topics of conversation was the idea that the normally wonderful Ms 'C' thought that it was essential that I go on 'medication', to improve my mood, there's something wrong with me and lots of people are on 'meds'. Well, I have had a lot of experience on phsycotropic meds, they almost killed me back in 1997 (I was 46 at the time-do the math to see how old I'm not); I had a massive heart attack (also know as a Myocardial Infraction) in part, by the heavy psycotrophic meds that I was taking to make me feel 'good'. In short, it wasn't the drugs, but a genetic 'thing'; but it got me to thinking that medication is good for some things but not always good for others. The medication didn't make my life better, it was a situational thing; I was in a really bad romance (think Lady Gaga) and the only cure was to divorce my wife. Had I not, I wouldn't have lived long, my daughters would have been fatherless. I took the expensive and painful approach and went thru with divorce so that I could live. My mood improved and I fell in love yet again-though with a bit more caution this time, I think moving to The Sunshine State (Florida-USA) also helped. Medication is not always the answer, in my case I 'passed' the test this past Tuesday; I'm not a candidate for referral to a psychiatrist for medication-at this time.
Those of us that have been gifted with being transgender need to realize this wonderful gift that we have been given is an outlook on life that is different from others; we can see both sides-I am Man and I am Woman! Wow! Fluid gender identity, two-spirit, and bi-gendered; it all works for me to describe how I feel about myself. Now, I just need to have others accept it, like Ms C...
Hugs, Elly
Tuesday was Therapy Day for me with "J", she's great and I'm very fortunate to have found her locally (well, 40 minutes drive time from home). One of the topics of conversation was the idea that the normally wonderful Ms 'C' thought that it was essential that I go on 'medication', to improve my mood, there's something wrong with me and lots of people are on 'meds'. Well, I have had a lot of experience on phsycotropic meds, they almost killed me back in 1997 (I was 46 at the time-do the math to see how old I'm not); I had a massive heart attack (also know as a Myocardial Infraction) in part, by the heavy psycotrophic meds that I was taking to make me feel 'good'. In short, it wasn't the drugs, but a genetic 'thing'; but it got me to thinking that medication is good for some things but not always good for others. The medication didn't make my life better, it was a situational thing; I was in a really bad romance (think Lady Gaga) and the only cure was to divorce my wife. Had I not, I wouldn't have lived long, my daughters would have been fatherless. I took the expensive and painful approach and went thru with divorce so that I could live. My mood improved and I fell in love yet again-though with a bit more caution this time, I think moving to The Sunshine State (Florida-USA) also helped. Medication is not always the answer, in my case I 'passed' the test this past Tuesday; I'm not a candidate for referral to a psychiatrist for medication-at this time.
Those of us that have been gifted with being transgender need to realize this wonderful gift that we have been given is an outlook on life that is different from others; we can see both sides-I am Man and I am Woman! Wow! Fluid gender identity, two-spirit, and bi-gendered; it all works for me to describe how I feel about myself. Now, I just need to have others accept it, like Ms C...
Hugs, Elly
Monday, April 11, 2011
Being Fluid
Saturday night Ms C and I went out to dinner with another couple. We went to a high-end steak house in West Palm Beach, Florida, that was a 'dress-up' (for Florida) place. That meant drab slacks and dress shirt for me and a dress for Ms C. She asked for my help in picking out a proper dress for the evening and what accessories to wear with it, guess she trusts my sense of fashion. I was quite envious as to what she wore and how good she looked and told her so-about her good looks anyway. As we were leaving and I grabbed my bag, she stopped me and asked if I really wanted to bring this bag 'out' with this other couple. I felt comfortable with them and kept my bag and was told that I need to be sensitive to us and what other people see. Nothing was said to me about my 'bag' the whole evening; afterall, it's just a thing to put my keys and sunglasses in anyway-right? Was I being defiant or insensitive with Ms C? By the way, the steaks we had were excellent and brought what was left home with us for another dinner. It was a wonderful evening and the conversation was good, it just meant a very late night for us.
Cyrsti had a post last week with reference to an interesting article that used a term 'fluid gender identity'. To me, that means the same as two-spirit or bi-gender which is how I see myself; it explains the confusion and envy yet at the same time the peace that I feel. Confused because I can't always express myself, but at peace because no one can take away what's inside my head or spirit. And as a fluid identity, it always tends to seek its equillibrium; after all, that's how the Ancient Egyptians built the pyramids at Gaza.
Hugs, Elly
P.S. Thanks Halle with the help on 'linking' :-)
Cyrsti had a post last week with reference to an interesting article that used a term 'fluid gender identity'. To me, that means the same as two-spirit or bi-gender which is how I see myself; it explains the confusion and envy yet at the same time the peace that I feel. Confused because I can't always express myself, but at peace because no one can take away what's inside my head or spirit. And as a fluid identity, it always tends to seek its equillibrium; after all, that's how the Ancient Egyptians built the pyramids at Gaza.
Hugs, Elly
P.S. Thanks Halle with the help on 'linking' :-)
Tuesday, April 5, 2011
The Passing Lane
My hair is below shoulder-length and I'm fortunate at my age to still have a full head of hair. I usually wear it in a pony-tail. I've been growing it again as a cancer donation (they make wigs of it) and will donate if it's not too grey. When I wash my hair it takes over an hour to dry and I usually part it in the middle and brush out the sides allowing them to air-dry.
This morning I left the house as usual and put my sunglasses on, the sun is at that angle in the morning that it's essential. I was driving on the four-lane highway to work when I noticed there was a pick-up truck one lane over with a guy in the passenger's seat. He looked at me and looked again, this time with a smile; I smiled back and noticed that he waved as they drove off. I feel that I passed as a girl with no makeup-on (of course, I was going to work) dressed in an androgynous shirt. Looking in the mirror I could understand. This guy's look was not one of disgust or mean-spirited, rather, it was a pleasurable look. Mind you, I'm not into picking up guys or even interested, but still, it was nice to be seen in a positive (for me) manner.
Hugs, Elly
This morning I left the house as usual and put my sunglasses on, the sun is at that angle in the morning that it's essential. I was driving on the four-lane highway to work when I noticed there was a pick-up truck one lane over with a guy in the passenger's seat. He looked at me and looked again, this time with a smile; I smiled back and noticed that he waved as they drove off. I feel that I passed as a girl with no makeup-on (of course, I was going to work) dressed in an androgynous shirt. Looking in the mirror I could understand. This guy's look was not one of disgust or mean-spirited, rather, it was a pleasurable look. Mind you, I'm not into picking up guys or even interested, but still, it was nice to be seen in a positive (for me) manner.
Hugs, Elly
Thursday, March 31, 2011
Full Disclosure
This post is inspired by my friend Halle's latest post "Difficult Question". If you haven't read her posts you can find her at hallesfacade (dot) blogspot (dot) com. (Some day I'll learn how to set up a link the proper way).
Anyway, I too, didn't disclose to my wife prior to marriage that I had this 'condition'; it was out of both ignorance (it will go away I thought) and definitely shame. And like so many others I was deceitful to her with my failure to tell her all. I've apologised so many times but I know that I can't take it back and it almost destroyed us, and still could if we let it. Would she have accepted me at face value had she known about Eleanor too? I think that I would have run if I had been in her shoes and if I remember correctly she said just that in one of our more heated 'discussions'. But, we're still together eighteen months after full disclosure-and still very much in love with each other.
Any good, positive relationship has a give-and-take and we have ours too, and not just in things like division of labor and responsibilities. She accepts the fact that I was 'born this way' and didn't just choose to be bi-gender, at this point she does accepts my need to express the Eleanor side; just doesn't like it. To keep peace and harmony I have made compromises that still allow me to be me, the real, the whole me, and yet expressions that are within her comfort zone. At this time, she just doesn't want to see me dressed as Eleanor. I can deal with that and use the odd day or weekend when she's not around, sounds like I'm still in the closest but I don't see it that way. Ms C's concessions to me are my shaved legs, earrings, eyebrows, clear-coated nails, and the 'girl' clothing that is part of our common wardrobe. She jokes about Eleanor at times and I feel loved and blessed in our marriage.
The question was raised during one of my therapy sessions would I transition if money and marital status were not a factor and my answer was no, I'm OK being this male-guy that's not so very male. I know at this point that I don't need to, I can live in this world as I came into it unlike some true transsexuals that have no choice.
Would I have done things differently had I know then what I know now?, I would like to think so, but then love does some strange things to two people.
Hugs, Elly
Anyway, I too, didn't disclose to my wife prior to marriage that I had this 'condition'; it was out of both ignorance (it will go away I thought) and definitely shame. And like so many others I was deceitful to her with my failure to tell her all. I've apologised so many times but I know that I can't take it back and it almost destroyed us, and still could if we let it. Would she have accepted me at face value had she known about Eleanor too? I think that I would have run if I had been in her shoes and if I remember correctly she said just that in one of our more heated 'discussions'. But, we're still together eighteen months after full disclosure-and still very much in love with each other.
Any good, positive relationship has a give-and-take and we have ours too, and not just in things like division of labor and responsibilities. She accepts the fact that I was 'born this way' and didn't just choose to be bi-gender, at this point she does accepts my need to express the Eleanor side; just doesn't like it. To keep peace and harmony I have made compromises that still allow me to be me, the real, the whole me, and yet expressions that are within her comfort zone. At this time, she just doesn't want to see me dressed as Eleanor. I can deal with that and use the odd day or weekend when she's not around, sounds like I'm still in the closest but I don't see it that way. Ms C's concessions to me are my shaved legs, earrings, eyebrows, clear-coated nails, and the 'girl' clothing that is part of our common wardrobe. She jokes about Eleanor at times and I feel loved and blessed in our marriage.
The question was raised during one of my therapy sessions would I transition if money and marital status were not a factor and my answer was no, I'm OK being this male-guy that's not so very male. I know at this point that I don't need to, I can live in this world as I came into it unlike some true transsexuals that have no choice.
Would I have done things differently had I know then what I know now?, I would like to think so, but then love does some strange things to two people.
Hugs, Elly
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