I could sure use some pie...

Oh lookie - I'm down to just posting on holidays now.... sad but true, life has taken over.  I guess that means that I'm still alive though right?  The holidays are so sentimental to me - I want to do things a certain way for a certain memory I cling to.  I fret about making it all work out and being able to cover all of the bases.  Fatigue usually sets in and then I get down on myself - even for trying to do something right.  This year all of my beautiful children and their loves will be at their in-laws for Thanksgiving.  Here's what I love about that.... They have married people that have such amazing families that I know that if they are not with me, that they are in the next best place on earth as to people that love them.  I love all of my kids in-laws - we hit the jackpot there folks.  Such amazing people - busy raising amazing kids - and loving my kids along the way.  Tonight my son Ryan's in-laws are here from California.  Since my kids are all away tomorrow, we had a little sit down suppertime together with all of us and the Lowreys.   There was plenty of food and laughs and noise, babies and love.  There was hysterical skyping to WA, and at the heart of it, one sorely missed soldier that we love so much.  It is good to know that tomorrow when they are all away, that I will have tonight's love in my heart.  It is enough.  Tomorrow my brother will host my mom at his house - I know that his home will be filled with her love and her sweet spirit.  I know that she will be warm, and my heart will still ache for her and yet she'll have a wonderful meal and enjoy a perfect day.  I am grateful for that.  It is hard to not be there, but I know it's enough.  I left retail world this year, I've missed posting my Black Friday shopping rant, but not the job.  My new job allows me to come home at night, be it late evening or late late night... feeling like I cared for precious people who depend on me.  It will be the first in 13 years that I haven't cried for 48 hours because of retail Friday... I will still work on Thanksgiving, and where I work now is very hard and demanding, but it is enough.  This past year losing dad was very hard.  It was the beginning of a landslide for me in more ways than one.  I have changed in many ways.  I feel that I have stepped into a dark room and I cannot find the light  On this day - a very very busy day, being totally exhausted, and emotionally drained, I decided to go to the temple first thing this morning before it closed early.  There I felt like there was a tiny bit of love left in my heart to perhaps start over.  I hope it's enough.  I have had a lot of crazy thoughts on face book just for fun this year - it's how I hide my pain - just laughing... but when all is said and done - my family is my life, my loves.  I see them and I say - wow - did I do enough, give them enough, and show them enough to pass on some good things to them?   As I write this I think... it was enough.  They, and their families, are the most amazing human beings I know.  Hang on tight kids.  Don't forget the good things about life.  Show gratitude in all things.  Be  humble in your doings.  Always love each other, always know you are loved.  Remember all I taught you, and forgive me for what I didn't - but most of all remember what you watched me do and pass that on.  I will miss you tomorrow but my heart is happy.... and if you all got a copy of the spread sheet Mandy has put together for 'Holidays - here or there' representing the next 10 years ... I'll see you around the table next year, and we'll kill the fatted turkey.  ... and that will be enough.

Almost Creeper Day....

I do love my Halloween.

I love the color - October - it needs to be a Crayola

boxful of crayons just for Fall.

Today the leaves were so bright I had to almost wear sunglasses.  The wind picked up and the old familiar "Come Little Leaves" song came to my mind and took me back over the many years of memories.  I am a bit confused at times... going to get Halloween candy and finding a small area right next to the Christmas decorations.  Every night I plug in my little purple lights and my plastic pumpkins and shut the lights off.  I absolutely love the glow of the lights together.  I have at least 4 containers of apple juice for cider, and my mugs are all ready to fill with it's cinnamon flavor.  I love caramel apples, and how stick your fingers get after you eat one.  I remember being a lot of different things for Halloween.  My parents couldn't really afford costumes so it was anything goes.  It was fun and creative and exciting.  One year I actually was running to a door to trick or treat and didn't know that they had put up a barbed wire fence to keep someone from falling into the ditch right behind the fence.... it was not a pretty sight when they found me.  I think that the only thing that saved me was the plastic Little Red Riding Hood mask I had on.  The guy at the door ran out and felt awful and gave me extra candy.  (today - would have been a law suit) (but I liked the extra candy)  I always feel bad for Thanksgiving..... not so many decorations, not as creepy and mysterious..... just a turkey.  I think Thanksgiving was jipped on décor things.  Well - time to check the temp on the cider.  I miss the years of being a kid, of watching my kids, and missing seeing my 2 WA grand kids.  But I think I get to see a couple of spooks from the family line on Thursday night.  Be safe out there kiddos, make good memories, write about them, paste a picture or two in a book.  Keep the monsters under the bed at hand, and no matter what...

don't open the closet door.

And the 'D's have it...

 

Yah, so.... kinDa obsesseD with the letter D today.

It's gotta be a FriDay for me to be this crazy.

 

D today represented...

 

All of the 'Do not's" that were texted to me from my work, to the general staff in general.  Even though it has absolutely nothing to do with me - after a long long long week of Doing things right,

I still get the don't do this and don't do that.  How about - amazing work this week - and thanks for all of the sacrifices you've made to make sure it was all done right.... Directors... whaddevah..

 

Deployment - 4th for Mike - really really don't like this D word.  I stand in the mirror and put on my brave face for my beautiful daughter who I know is standing in front of the mirror icing her swollen cry eyes, and what she doesn't know is that I have ice of my own because I can't stop crying either.

 

D represents Dur dur dur... yesterday while cycling - my monitor came off my bike somewhere on the road... when I looked down to calculate my ride, I may have said the "d" word really loud.  I rode back the same way I came and searched the 25 miles of stupid leaves at the side of the road.  darnit.

 

D is a vision in "didn't you have the whole entire day off dear husband and I'm loading the dishwasher (oh look another d word!) after my 9 hour shift?"  Detergent is also a d word.

 

D is a GOOD word because sometimes I call my beautiful Darling grandson Drew.  That's actually the sweetest D word I know.  I also have a fave M, E, and J and T (for tiebreaker) word - but that's for another letter day.

 

D reminds me of Dad - 2 d's in that word.  I have this stupid belief that I still want him to show up at the end of the bed, and tell me that everything will be ok.  But I know somehow in my silly mind that I think he's disappointed in me and will never come say gooD bye.

 

D... really was found in my discouragement this week with myself, my life, my time, my desires to somehow live a different life than I do.  To follow some Dreams.  Is there a D in Vacation?  Haven't haD one of those for many years.  Decided that I'm Destin to be Driving to work every single Day anD passing by those stupid cars loaded with people going to Disneyland and making me saD. 

 

D reminds me of Dementia, or Damentia, and Days gone by of memories lost and Desires to recreate history to preserve it.  Dawning Days of Disbelief. 

 

Oh and Dandilions..... and ocD... because out of no where I thought of those.  I didn't know where they fit in but there they were.  Shiney keys...

 

I have learned something in life thought about D.... it also is the first letter in Duck, and I know that the old saying "like water off a ducks back" is probably just what the Doctor ordered for me.

 

Ranting about the letter D, refreshing to Dump it off in a blog and call it a Day.

(yes.. I did take my Vitamin D today)

 





(thoughts about speaking in church about our mission)(and other painful things)(but not as many as speaking in church about our mission)

Talking in church.

Kind of makes me nervous for this to happen.

Reporting on our Mission tomorrow,

 as it has come to a close for us.

Difficult to leave.

Difficult to come home.

I could spend hours talking about it but

that would make everyone fall asleep.

I do have some funnies to share though.

Wrestling a skunk before church.

Testimony bearing in a beer tee shirt.

Meeting all the multiple personalities... at one time.

2.5 years of yet another day on I-15.

and teeth.   I miss teeth. (people with them)

 

I have some good things too though.

Diamonds found in the rough

Friends to last a lifetime

Humility - in abundance

and of course

Gods hand in all things.

(he's everywhere you know)

 

I would like to be able to say

that being the person called

to hand out hymn books at sacrament meeting,

sounds like the perfect job.

(hope the big guy hears my plea)

 

Can't wait to come home though,

driving 2.5 minutes to get to church,

vs.... an hour.

Almost as good as bacon.

 

My talk is written, it's like this....

Um... talk about the mission.

End.

It's going to be short and sweet.

I told the Bishop that he needed to

have Del talk first... then cut me loose.

I think he's thinking twice about not

signing those extension papers now.

Hope your Sunday tomorrow it a sweet one.

Hope there's a cup holder for my coke

on the pulpit.

We're home.



I love this picture of mom - free and beautiful.

She's in a rest home now - and I'm still not in touch with that choice.

My personal battle.

 

This week I went to see her and take care of the house and yard.  It was conference weekend and I wanted to just snuggle up with her and watch it.  I entered the area she's in and headed to her room.  I passed the big TV room and just by chance glanced in and there she was all alone glued to Conference.  In a place I call hell - this was her heaven.  It took her a minute to be aware that I was even standing there looking at her beautiful face - she was so into the words she was hearing.  This is a big room - and she was the only one with the desire to be in there.  Must say something about her abilities I say.  We laughed, had lunch, looked at blogs and pictures, walked around, and then I settled her back into a giant chair with a snugly blanket and set her up for the next session as I had to get over to the house.  How proud I am of my mother.  How angry I am inside. She has so much life left to live and it's cut off short.  I cannot fix what is happening to my mom - but I always feel that she deserved better than what she got in her kids.  Today I talk with them about just getting a little chair and a TV in her room, I can't seem to explain enough that she needs some familiar things around her.  Time just keeps ticking.

Mom just keeps slipping.

My heart just keeps breaking.

 

But how blessed I am to have a mother that knows her Savior.

He has not left her - she has not left him.

How faithful, how beautiful, how perfect.

Daddy must be so proud that she's his forever.

Her mind may be slipping,

but her heart never will.

 

Dear Funny Cousins.....

I have no idea who these people are - I just thought

it pretty much represented my post today.

Sorry random Google family people

 

So... still no camera - I know a picture is worth a thousand words but I only have a limited bank account.  I had a trip planned to see my mom yesterday and check in with Eric's family and the home where I love to be.  I was running a bit late and thought I would stop and get a sammie at 'The Old Grist Mill' in Logan.  (if I ever die before I'm planning on dying at 65 - would you please serve treats from there?)  I walked in and there sat my cousin Beverly and her family snarfing down random menu items.... I LOVED seeing them - and we talked so loud, and laughed and probably spit food as we talked but who cares.  I love my cousins - my Hill cousin side are all totally crazy people.  Our lives were full of insane vacations because the Aunts were nuts.  They would pile people/kids/dogs/food/lawn chairs in the back of any truck/car/tractor they could find and we would go somewhere Bear Lake/Blacksmith Fork Canyon/Grandpa's Land/Aunt Elda's back yard - and we would be crazy.  We all talked loud and over each other and we belonged to a huge circle of love.  Most of my childhood memories come from the Hill side but I do have a few shout out's to the Bowen side of life - loved them too.  But there was nothing more magical than my memories of playing in the cement ditch in front of Grandpas house watching Penny Bugs and being told (right before we would fall into the ditch) that we were going to fall in the ditch.  I loved the names of my cousins - we were all weird.... Richard, Randy, Darwin, Cindy, Beverly, Geraldine, LuAnn, Craig, Tamra, Shelley, Janet, Kent, LaDawn, Lennis, Caroline, and Eric and I.... we all had a bit o Wellsville twang in our talk because of our parents.  Some settled in Mendon, Logan, Hyrum, and Benson with their parents and then scattered all over the place and then multiplied and made more funny people.  (just wait until I start on my 2nd cousins) We have memories of reunions and actual pictures to prove how crazy we were.  Oh - and please forgive me but heavens sake we were all the most homely looking bunch alive.  But we were HAPPY.  As our parents all have passed away except for my mom - I hope that our cousins will carry on with their children the Bear Lake stories, the Hyrum Parade stories, and the stories told as the Aunts quilted and the kids played underneath those quilt frames.  Sometimes the world can be a lonely place and it only takes a little moment in time when the stars align and you meet your cousin in a small café - and you remember - you belong.  I love all of you first cousins - you carry on the strong genes of life, and love and .... crazy.  xoxoxo  Oh - and just to rub it in... I am the youngest.  (:  (they saved the best for last - even though you tried to shut my head in a suitcase in Vegas and as I was screaming out to the Aunties who were in the kitchen and they shouted back, "There's extra toilet paper in the cupboard!")  Life - live it, love it, pass it on.  Thanks for making my day Beverly and Company!  (BTW - you were the weirdest bunch..... never Eric and I - we were the perfect cousins...... )     (:

Erma Gherd... back to the Jorb...

So this little princess's mommy has to go back to work tomorrow after an amazing Maternity Leave.  Today - I spoke with the mommy that was having a bit of a tough time with what was going to happen tomorrow... I just wanted her to know that daddy's make good mommies too, and that Dusti's make good mommies too.  Little Missy here will be in great hands - loved and protected.  Her mommy is an amazing Chemical Engineer... and little Macadamia will be able to tell her mommy how proud she is of her mom and her amazing talents.  Besides... mommy has the macguffies.... Good Luck tomorrow Ashley - it's ok - you're amazing, she's amazing, Mike's amazing.

It's all Totes Fab.. xoxoxo

Proud of you!!! (:

(so is she)

LOVE YOU ALL!

ok - busted - I love my granddaughter

more than I might love you two (;

maybe...
(kinda not sure how to tell you this,
but this post is my 666th post - should
I have perhaps chosen a different child
to blog about?)
(ha - I think not! xoxox)

Nuff said.... said I

Well - it's the last week of our Mission - it's been a long long did I mention long haul?  We are speaking in our Mission Ward tomorrow - my topic is "Be Ye Not Moved".  Most people would think that would not be an issue - but you don't know the Bishop in my Mission Ward.  If there is anyone trustworthy, virtuous, and doing good - it's not particularly me - I have learned that I kill first ask questions later.  I'm the stubborn missionary.  The one that when something really awful needs to be done - he would look over at me and smile that really sneaky smile.  Turkey.  But I have appreciated his trust in me - he knows that I'll only speak the truth to the people I serve - I have never ever blown smoke up their skirt telling them wonderful things - I have told them exactly what is going on - and how they can change it - if they don't want to change it - they are wasting my time and the Lords...... now remember we are not talking about the gospel - because EVERYONE can change that for the better.  We are talking about rent, food, safety, child abuse, probation, visiting hours at the prison, robbery, assault, child abandonment, life threatening moments and rape.  So - you can see where I'm coming from.  It will be interesting to return to my home ward.  I am not that person that left here 2.5 years ago - I hate crowds, and social things (I totally hate social things), I do not want to go to lunch or for a ride or shopping together - I MAY go to a movie because I don't have to talk to anyone - but I MOSTLY want to just hide for a while.  Things that happened over the past few years have been extremely difficult to say the least.  I don't know quite how to explain that to people that just say - OH I'll bet you're so happy to be done, or, I'll bet you're glad to be back.... no.. and no.... because all of that Hellatious stuff is still going on - and I'm going to be back in leisure city pretending it isn't happening.  Not.  So if you see me in the next few months - with my head in a hole like an ostrich (you'll recognize me by my big biking butt sticking up) please give me some time.  I promise I'll come out someday.  I'll write fluffy things about my mission later but for now - I'm just trying to gag myself through a talk tomorrow - trying to say good bye to people that changed my life, and set me on a better course, one without guile, and judgment, and one filled with hope.  I don't want to sit on benches with people that casually attend church, complain about the talks, and leave because they are bored - I want to sit on the bench with people that WANT CHANGE, and are trying to MAKE IT HAPPEN.... so if there is a bench in my ward like that - save me a place - and there better be a cup holder for my McDonald's Coke.  Peace out - I got concentrate of spiritual stuff now... be ye unmoved stuff.... and pack a few Kleenexes.  nuff said....

Post Floaty Info - or perhaps TMI..... ?

(post amazing picture here)

(Not - because of my stupid camera)

 

Just in case you thought we didn't have any fun over Labor Day weekend....

We did!

We took our 2 college students, our Musician, our Chemical Engineer, and our Rocket Scientist, and the BOB, and floated down the Provo River.  We only killed ONE fly fisherman - a record!

After we passed by - there were NO FISH for miles no doubt...

Although there were several moments of hysterical laughter,

sun burnt legs and arms,

and several dunkings....

The winner winner chicken dinner was...

Mandy...

Standing up in her tube singing,

'Just around the river bend'

from Pocahontas.....

In her bright pink tank top,

and her arms in the air...

we all peed..

wait - ok - not in the Provo River

I promise.

Then we ate JDawgs

in our wet clothes,

and smiled at our choice of activities

and giggled.  a lot.

xoxoxox

The Corn Fest... and Dad.

My family camera has become my worst enemy tonight - but my story is still my friend.  It was corn weekend at our house.  My brother Eric planted 17 rows of corn in dad's garden and he shared them with our family, it is always greatly appreciated.  The timing of getting to Mendon and getting everyone there at the same time - was off - so we went to plan B, or I guess I should say plan C for Corn eh?  He delivered it 1/2 way and we loaded up the back of the car with all of those glorious cobs of Ambrosia corn.  Labor Day - years past has been spend on a lake in the boat with gale force winds rocking us to and fro... and it would have done so this year again - if we still had the boat, and we were actually on a lake.  The family traditions  on the Bowen side have been to gather up the corn harvest, shuck (love that word) the corn, bring it to a boil, and plunge it into the cold water, then cut it off and freezer bag it before it even knows that hit it.  Everyone helps, everyone goes home with a share of the golden pile of freaking yum.  Sure - Pinterest would make you believe that there are 400 ways to do it better - but we don't repin those.. (:  We all have our special knives, and cutting boards, and techniques... just ask anyone that was there. Afterwards, without having to dock the boat... or the nonboat.... we break out the grill and cook up some kind of burger fest and eat.  Del and I looked at each other after our beautiful children left that night - and said - "That was the best day ever" and it was true.  One by one they all got it - the importance of love, and family, and precious time together.

 

Doing corn - has always been a part of our lives growing up.  My dad would have loved this year just as he did all of the other 65 years of family corn fests.  Losing him at 84, might have almost broken the corn chain, but Eric, and I refuse to let it get us down.  My kids were raised on Grandpa's corn - and the stories of doing it each year never change.  It was a little melancholy this year, just knowing he was gone.  But deep down - this day was not about corn to me - and I'm pretty sure that my dad knew what he was starting years ago when he planted that very first corn seed he stole from the Del Monte field on the other side of the road (shhh.... don't tell)  Realizing that he knew that after he left - he could still be a part of our lives.  He taught us to work hard, to gather as a family, to share the harvest, and to teach our children about the wonders of nature around us.  He never wasted food, or time, or a quick reminder to 'cut as close to the cob as you can'!  As we gathered on Monday, there was more going on than just corn... (enter 12 amazing pictures of the day here - dang it)  There was a beautiful little baby girl making her first corn appearance, and she was passed around from loving arms to loving arms.  Jake was getting the hang of potty training down - and had earned a car.  Ryan M was enjoying NOT having to go to school the next day, but Ryan H and Katie were contemplating the early morning alarm to start another college year.  Mandy and Ashley were on comic relief, Mike was serving his duty to his country, Del was in charge of getting his turn with Baby Mack, and I was just watching the magic of my Dad come to life.  It's not about the corn... it's about  this beautiful family, who had a million things that could have been done that day that was more fun, more exciting, more fulfilling - but chose to carry on something we all treasure.  Corn Day. Dad, I know you were grinning over there quietly in the corner.  You haven't come to talk to my heart yet since you left, but your presence was everywhere on the hearts of my children, my family that I love, and that I know you love too.  Until next year, please pass the butter, the salt and those stupid things you stab into the ends of the corn so you can eat it without 3rd degree burns on your fingers..... harvest memories, and your shelves will be full always and forever. 

Abundance.....

Seriously folks - have you ever seen anything so dang cute?

My cute daughter in law, Bethany (currently harboring my next

beautiful grandchild due in December) took the cutest pics for me.

This just has to be my favorite.

Don't touch me

She's breathing on me

I'm being so perfect

Is anyone holding my head up?

 

Moments in life that

make Life worth while

right here folks,

In Abundance....

 

 



Some good 'Old' news... (:

Hello there.... ya it's just me.  I'm missing my blog and the opportunity to write from my heart.  I thought I could take a huge chunk of my blog and explain my feelings but I have found them to be extremely personal and quite painful still.  But there are such wonderful things going on around me that it's important for me right now in my little corner of the world to freaking start cheering for life again.  So I made some changes... and I like them... let me share what's been going on.

 

I have always felt like I was just a seriously loser mom in the fact that all of my kids have Bachelors and some even Masters Degrees from a Major University (BYU and UofU)(We bleed both colors).  It was joyful and painful to see them walk those stages, knowing that I would never get the chance to do that.  But perhaps I could at least make an effort to make a difference in the world somehow.  I've worked retail for 12 years - and I became totally numb to the fact that this was just how it was going to end for me.  Then one day I got really really mad.  I took all of my money I'd stashed away and paid for my CNA/Phlebotomy/BLCPR certifications.  I was prepared to move on - and then my dad died and it all stopped just after completing the courses.  3 days after the funeral, I took my state exams and nailed them - shocking even myself.  I applied at several assisted living centers - turned down Hospice Care, and was hired by a wonderful little place close by my home.  I fell in love with all of the people that took the time to show me the ropes, help me complete my Med Tech training, and give me the courage to quit my retail job.  I will certainly miss my sweetest ever friends from the store, and the memories of crazy times there - but it was time to move on.  In one week - I was hired, quit my job, started a new one - made the shifts I needed desperately, and started my new challenge.  I haven't killed any old people yet - but I'm sure there will be plenty of chances to do just that.  I didn't say anything to many people - because I thought I would fail.  I'm not one to be yahooing too much about succeeding.  But that old cliché, "When God closes a door - he opens a mall somewhere else..." really fit the bill here.  I'm kinda really freaking old - and I don't have a great desire to rack up a 13,000 school bill for my nursing degree just to be too old to work it - but until that day comes - I've felt more love from 60 over 80 year olds that I've ever felt before.   Just as you turn out the light after you've tucked them into their beds they say, "Nicole, will you be here tomorrow?"  I remind them that I wouldn't miss being here - because I've waited forever to do just this little thing I call, mattering.  Thank you mom and dad for teaching me all of those old songs - they are like golden nuggets of comfort for little old people that no one comes to visit.  Never felt so old - never felt so happy, never felt so good.  Now... every time I see the little old lady walking down the hallway with her purse waiting for her family to come, it's my mom to me - and I cry like a baby.  Somewhere - someone is taking gentle care of her I pray.  I promised my kids I would never get old - but until then I'll care for those that didn't make the same promise.  Sorry... I should have made this "Brief" but how about from now on we get off the pity party posts - and have some good old fun eh?  Thanks for your patience.  I'm back.

Almost there.... maybe.

Elder Busche once said:  "When you are compelled to give up something or when things that are dear to you are withdrawn from you, know that this is your lesson to be learned right now.  But know also that as you are learning this lesson, God wants to give you something better."  This thought has carried me for the past two days.  I've felt a lot of love from my kids and from my close friends.  I have appreciated the kindness, the moments of letting me just be quiet, and tender words of encouragement.  I have appreciated Elaine.  I have appreciated Paige.  Thank you Roxie, and Dianne, and Marilyn, thank you Jane.  Thank you to my employers who sacrificed many hard hours of work in my behalf.  I have beyond words appreciated my amazing kids.  Please know of my gratitude.  My best friend in the world has been my Heavenly Father.  This was not a time to blame God for anything - it wasn't a time to question things, it was a time to gather in his Spirit, and quietly sit with it, and feel it surround me.  This was the safe place for me, when all else failed.  The more I hurt, the harder and more I serve - so the badge went back on and there were heartaches beyond any of mine to tend to.  Every time I serve, no one knows - but God knows, and while I serve, he weaves his love into my heart, he quietly slips joy into my soul, and he very carefully eases me into forgetfulness of my pain.  To those in my Willow Canyon 7th ward - you are angels.  To my Relief Society President who said exactly what she should have said - and came at precisely the right time... thank you for listening to the Spirit.  I loved that my sweet friend Kathy sent over a gift card to go out to dinner.... you'll never know how wonderful that was... no dishes. My heart is almost new - I'm not rushing it much, it's going to take time and patience with myself.  But apparently I'm worth it to the Big Guy up above.  Now and then I still whisper, "Dad", but I still cannot utter the words 'Mom' yet.  I talked to her for a brief moment the other day.  I told her that she was called on a special mission - to teach everyone around her the Primary Songs - because not everyone knows them.  She said she wouldn't let Heavenly Father down.  I believe she won't.  I was born of goodly parents.  "Give" said the little stream.  I know my Father lives.  I'm trying to be like Jesus.  I am a Child of God.  I (believe) they've called me on a Mission (still) Families are Forever.  Teach everyone you meet mom ok?  But don't let dad hear you sing - because he hates musicals.  'Till we meet again...."



Just need a little time...

The world has exploded on me.  I have watched the pieces of my heart fall off and crash to the ground.  I'm not ready to talk about it yet - I'm not really myself right now.  There is a lot of anger.  But healing over the top of that is faith.  Just give me a little time and my new heart will talk about it.  Before the world crashed God sent me a priceless gift that has been waiting to meet my blogging world... So today celebrate the wee little princess that graces my life as my precious wealth of grandchildren arrive on this earth - this year... I get a bonus round in December  (any guesses?)

Thank you Mike and Ashley for giving me a bit of heaven so close to sending someone there.

My beautiful preggo Ash

Mackenzie (macadamia) (chickadee)

 

A few thoughts about our world right now....

Eric Bowen

• When you stop and think of just how important families really are, it is significant to know that it all starts with goodly parents... We are the seeds and they are the garden... They water us with love and compassion and protect from weeds and insects... Then we grow and mature and we become the fruits or vegetable in that garden and we share ourselves with others as to what we have become... Then is is our turn and the garden grows older and moves on for the next planting...
  
  Yesterday, we learned just how precious that garden is as my 83 yr old father has taken a turn for the worse after being disabled by transverse miolitis some 13 years ago... The last two days he has fought to hold on with labored and rattled breathing even though we have reassured him that we are fine and that is OK to go...
  
  This old tough Marine has fought a good fight and continues on even when we left tonite...
  
  The most difficult thing is that I just couldn't tell mom about it yet... She likewise has been sick and coughing and sleeping all the time... she just doesn't feel good either... Today at the doctor we learned that she has pneumonia in her right lung... The doctor said that she needed to go the hospital now and then I told him that her husband was at death's door... This compassionate doctor gave her a shot of Amoxicillin and a prescription to follow through with it because SHE had to be with her husband... with a mask on, but she needed to be there... Should she get worse, it is off to the hospital...
  
  This was the most wonderful experience that could have ever happened... After the doctor and lunch we went to the Sunshine Terrace to see dad... Before we went in, I explained to mom that dad had been sick a couple of days and not to shocked with what she saw... She said that she would be OK.... Tears streamed uncontrollably down my face as I escorted my mother arm in arm down the hall to where my dad was struggling so... As she entered the room, she was calm and loving... I was a mess... She walked over to his air gasping body and place one had on his shoulder and one on his face where he lied in bed and just looked at...
  
  I told her that dad was not doing well and that it was time for him to go home... Tearfully, she said the most marvelous and loving thing... She said, "Yes, I know that it is time.... it's time for Freddie to go home... Whatever the Lord wants, he can have."
  
  SHE KNEW!!! She accepted it, and although she was sad at that thought, this remarkable woman was ready to let go... Can I tell you just how comforting that was to me??? Do you realize just how much I fretted telling her??? She already know... It that spirit touching spirit, or what???
  
  A ten or fifteen minute visit turned into four hours of reminiscing and remembering... My sister, Nicole, was on speaker phone and we all felt of each other's pain... but gloried in the moment...
  
  Many wonderful and spiritual things have occurred the last two days, and these are too sacred to mention here but we know from whence we came, where we are doing here and where we can go... His Plan reigns triumphant!!!
  
  So on this night and I prepare to post this writing and prepare myself for the passing of my great father, Frederick David Bowen, I give thanks for the opportunity I have had to be with my dad, and even more important (should my dad pass during the night) it the fact that mom got to see her husband for one last time... And may your prayers be with my mom tonight... She needs your prayers and strength...
  
  I love you dad and I love you mom... Please Dad... Go home.... It's time to see your loved ones on the other side... If I am not there when you go, let it be known that you have forged me into what you wanted me be and I thank you... Good night, Dad.

Nicole Bowen Hillary:

Well - I guess I'll be speaking first - because I won't be able to after you do. It's 12:05 AM... dad has made it through to another day - I've got his fishing reel all set up - and pulled out his hip boots - just waiting for Uncle Bob, Grandma and Grandpa Bowen and maybe even Grandma and Grandpa Hill to show up here. Sunshine Terrace - you hired the most compassionate and tender nurses and CNA's. I arrived at 10:45 after making sure my affairs were straight at home. They have a blanket here for me - some snacks and they are just as emotional as I am. The spirit in the room here is because my brother made sure it was here.... Rick Shelton and the Bishop gave mom a blessing - and the spirit is so strong. This is now a sacred place - a place where the other side is nearby and the hand of our families on the other side will reach through and take him home. Fishing pole, hip boots and all. I know he's still here because he pushes his cheek into my hand when I tell him I'm here. He's so handsome. He's such a gift. I talked with Eric today about what we have learned. We have learned a deeper kind of devotion, love, and acceptance of the Lords plan on this earth. Sometimes I think that perhaps he had a talk with God before he came to earth and said... "If you'll just give me a little spot of land, a few animals, a beautiful wife, a little house, a couple of kids and give me a few wonderful years with them... I'll spend the last 12 years as you need me to spend them. Both of them held up to their end of the deal. It was hard being far away today - but the closeness of our family through our words to each other - was priceless. We read the last verse in Enos... we believe that. As I sit here with him... his heart is racing, and his breathing is kinda freakin me out (: why are you still here dad - is the only question I have left for God. Are they to leave together? We've talked about that - Eric and I. We've said, when one goes - the other will follow quickly. Dad has such a crush on mom...and she loved to irritate him by putting coconut on his chocolate cake. He said it tasted like cardboard. We weren't sure if he meant the coconut or the cake. It's pretty close to the time that we will gather our families, and our memories and we will dress up in our best clothes to honor him. We will say our words of comfort for each other, and we'll sing only one song (because dad hated, loathed, barfed over musicals) and then we'll gather at the base of those Mendon Mountains and we'll stand there hand in hand to say good bye. I'm sure that it will be hot standing there in our hip boots.... but for dad - it'll be worth it. I'm waiting Grandma Bowen..... daddy is ready. Come on in...but leave me a butterfly kiss on the way out so I know it was you. Love you Eric, Love you Mom... Love you Dad.

First day of a big step

I can't say much about what I'm doing right now.

My family knows, some of my friends.

I've made a choice to do something,

maybe start something,

without a safety net.

 

It's scaring me.

 

I'm older

 Memory retention is at 10%

Warp speed is broken

Funding is missing

Confidence is lacking

 

So I'm relying on a line

from a movie...

it's what the Hillary's

fall back on right?

 

"What day is it?"

"Someday" she says,

"It's Someday"

I use to fit into those shoes...

It's quiet in the house this week.  There use to be so much noise that I wished for the day when I could have peace and quiet.  Note to self:  think twice about what you wish for.  When I'm alone I tend to have conversations with my self - and yes, actually answer myself.  It's those times that I feel that I get to know the person I've become now at this point of my life.  I use to be a daughter, a vital part of a family that lived in a home where there were things to be done, chores to do, pianos to practice, dances to learn, and things to grow.  I use to be, a student, active and involved and never stopping, and setting goals and working towards them.  I use to be a wife, trying to plan meals and making plans for a home and trips and adventures and service.  I use to be a mother, with never ending days of schedules and messes and joy and laughter.  I then became a mother in law - grateful and always in awe.  Eventually I became a grandmother, proud, and amazed and in awe at a new generation.  Sometimes, I feel like I'm none of those things anymore.  I look in the mirror and see a total stranger, someone longing to belong and be of any help to others anymore.  I think the hardest memory to try to keep is that of being a vital part of my children's lives.  They are grown, successful and amazing and independent - just like I knew they would be.  It's not easy to give them advise - because they are living and growing and becoming their own worlds.  I hope that my comments to them about life are somewhat taken as good.  I hope that when I make suggestions it's because I've never really known any other role to them as just being the mom.  I hope that they would feel that something about anything I may say be found as important.  The fine line between parenting and then being not the parent is pretty fine.  I loved my oldest son's comment to me - it was amazing and original and exactly how our family rolls.... "Mom we're all grown up now - and having sex and everything...."  Oh my gosh - I laughed my butt off.  So tonight as I'm sitting here - I hear myself rattling off the things that I would say to the kids each night - to fill the void of a quiet night.

 

eat your beans

your socks don't go there

your assignment is due when?

who's turn is it to put gas in the car?

why were you up so late?

have you brushed your teeth?

the dishwasher doesn't empty itself

please don't eat all the cookies

did you get your lunch money?

drive safe

be home on time

remember that one day,

you'll remember something

 I may have said and you'll know

that I may not have known anything,

but I sure tried as hard as I could

and you'll laugh because

you finally get what

I was trying to say.

Most of all

know you were loved

 

tha dentisth, and osther numbing eventfs

there are few things that kinda really creep me out

this...

and this...

so - today was the day it seemed like I spent

time with both of these.

I had a good bye party for my back top tooth.

When I had my boating accident - my jaw was

wired shut - and the wires still show up on all of

the x-rays.  It's always fun to tell a new dentist about

that fun time, and watch him cringe.

My fear of the 'D' word began at a young age.

My dentists nurse person wore one of those frightening

nurses hats.  She totally creeped me out.  My dentist didn't believe in

pain free dentistry.  He drilled into one of my nerves once... and only once

because I bit him.

He slapped me.

My mom took me out of the chair,

and walked out.

(yet another reason I love her)

I know dentists are humans too,

but old creepy dentists give new hot sexy dentists,

a tough time.  Hopefully Dr. Porter is dead now.

I hope they pulled all of his teeth before he died.

I liked my new dentist today - He was amazing.

I appreciated that.

But thanks to this....

I enjoyed all 12 of his beautiful eyes.

I also had my I-Pod on loud,

It started out with the Conference Reports...

when I kinda came to...

I was listening to Jim Gaffagin.

Booyah.

Rinse and spit,

don't forget to floss.

Here's your new toothbrush.

(seriously eventually your face

will come back, I promise,

I'm a dentist)



84 - and still rockin it.

We look basically awful - and tired

but it didn't matter - it was party day.

I was reading my  brother's tribute to my mother and decided that,

I haven't got that much talent.

But I do know that these two people here,

are the luckiest people on earth to have each other.

Mom turned 84 on Sunday.

She's the last one left of her entire family here on earth.

Her heart aches for them,

but her soul is here still loving us.

We gathered together - our little families,

and fed the 5000 with 3 loaves of bread.

We looked at each other, and my brother Eric
and I knew beyond a doubt,
that on this earth, and beyond,

we've been loved.

We gathered her 80 plus

year old friends -

These are the classiest ladies I've ever seen.

They are the dearest friends to my mom,

 and they've been a part of my life

since the moment I arrived on earth

Betty Bartlett, Rae Leishman, Junie Tunes, and Gerri Maurer

.Hot chicks - eating burgers and drinkin Diet Coke.
Joy

There are no words to declare

so much love for one human being,

than I have for you.

Happy Birthday Mom!

 

WE ARE FAMILY

I heart my mom

If you remember nothing at all,

remember that.



The Spontaneous life

So I know that about 5 people read my blog - oh and that one person from the Netherlands.  It's ok - I don't mind - mostly I just wanted to see if I could go a month and post each day.  When I was a Senior at Sky View High (35 years ago this year) I had the most amazing Creative Writing teacher.  Mrs. Pat Clarke.  I had taken my college level English classes (I know you can find at least 15 errors in my grammar)(and I don't care) (:  Her class was right after my Competitive Sports class - in which I would have run, jumped, tackled, lifted, sprinted again and again and maybe improved a tiny bit each day.  I would come into her class exhausted - because I had to be at the school at 6 am for practices and the second round of running, jumping... well you know.  Each day she posted a topic on the board and for the first 15 minutes of class we were to write without stopping about the topic - empty our brains out on paper.... because Apple and HP were not invented yet.  Those are some of my most treasured works of writing.  There I was not an adult but not a child, choices, and challenges, and such a busy life.  It saved me to sit there and write.  Then she would ask us what the most important sentence we had written was, and why.  Some days there were tearful lines, others funny, some life changing.  It was also where I learned of those that took that class with me.  Their inner thoughts, their opinions and goals.  It changed me as a person to be with those people, writing those papers, in the moments of my Senior year.  They were Spontaneous Mini Thoughts.... Mrs. Clarke told me, "One day Nicole, you will be at a time in your life when you will remember these days, and these exercises in writing - and you will once again write in this manner."  Oh how I wish I could tell her the many times it's changed the outlook of my life for the good.  So... you're wondering if these are the real serious thoughts of my mind... no - they are just fun things that came to my mind and once you have one thought - you can't change the topic so I would just write.  But aside from that - in a protected place - I have written again for 15 minutes a day, 35 years later, thoughts that when put down on paper and taken from my mind and heart, have saved me yet again.  Take a moment - write it down - leave it there - then fill your mind again.  One day - my kids will read my journals and I hope they understand me better.  I spend so much time on the history of my family, and I forget that someday I'll be part of that history.  Sometimes writing about the major events of life seem so overbearing and burdensome - it's been fun to just take a moment and write something absolutely, how do I say... um oh ya - spontaneous...

Spontaneous Mini Thought for the ah ha moment of May

so my favorite line of the day was...

 

"You know that show where the guy dies and they are having his funeral and his son decides to play Freebird with his rock band at the funeral and they release a huge white seagull piñata and it accidentally starts on fire as it passes over the crowd and the son just keeps saying JUST PLAY ON, as the sprinklers start up to put the massive fire out?"

My Asian answers no...

My Special Needs friend says...

"Elizabethtown?"

 

Hands down

she wins the prize.

 

Thought of the day:

Make sure they don't

let any flying seagulls

come to my funeral.

Spontaneous Mini Thoughts for the Grandkids of May

Today

I was just

checking on

where my

heart was

wandering

to....

and I

found it

here...

and here...

and here...

 

 and here...

 

I mean I love my kids..

but their offspring...

Take my breath away.

 

Thought of the day:

How about we

start having them

two at a time?

(just for fun?)

(double our numbers?)

 

(I heart you A.E.J.M.)



Spontaneous Mini Thought for the Wet Days of May

 

I knew there was something going to be so strange today when I woke up.  The air was thick with moisture and the moon was ready to let down it's guard, letting the storm through.  At the last minute I closed the windows before I left for work.  Nice sunny day for about 3 hours then the massive clouds rolled in.  By noon - the thunder and lightening and hailstorms hit my town hard.  My cute Paisen at work had just come back to see what was going on and CRASH - the ceiling started falling down and water gushed in through a hole - it went everywhere in that store - it was creepy and frightening and amazing.  We all ran to pull back the furniture being destroyed by the waterfall.  Three interesting things happened...

First - why would we actually try to save that stupid furniture?

Next - Why in the moment of disaster - we all pulled out our phones and took pictures?

Finally - I am a true blue Zamboni operator now - and I actually said the words....

"If you walk through that water again I will cut you.. to my boss.

After our 9th hour with no lunches - our boss loved us and gave

us extra time on the clock.... I call it - a complete wash out.

I only wish 'some people' could have been there to get wet...

it's probably the only shower they may have taken -- like ever.

 

Thought for the day:

Wet clean up on Aisle 3.... and 4 and 5

and all of 8, 9, 10, 14-19, and furniture. 

Spontanous Mini Thoughts for the Memorial Flower Days of May

my hometown - where I want to be eaten by

worms when I die and peak up out of the ground

some days when no one is looking,

and look at this mountain.

 

Happy Memorial Day

Thanks to those that served our country.

and those that created my heritage,

and for all of their stories I hold

deep in my soul.

Spontaneous Mini Thought for the TwentyPoppyeth of May

Anticipation....

it's keeping me waiting waiting waiting...

 

 

but oh so worth it...

 



 

it's my fave flower to watch

Pop out of it's shell.

Oh - and it makes great

Opium...

not that I would know.

really.

I'm really kidding.

really.

 

Thought for the day:

"So - we take flowers to the

dead people's graves and there

those flowers die right?"

The facts of life.

two two two spontaneous mini thoughts in one...... for the Madness of 24/25 of may

WARNING:  CONDENSED VERSION

 

2 hours of sleep in 28 hours

planted 3rd garden

planted over 125 flowers

realized that I've ticked the world off

(apparently)

could literally live at SL Cemetery

might as well... book it now (it's to die for)

because Mendon's is apparently all taken

David's sunflower seeds taste better than Spitz

Chevron Tigers Blood

A little Sunshine Visit for a surprise

I love my mom.

I ache for my family

longest ride home on earth

tears

frustration

up at 4 am for work

Happy Birthday Grandpa Hill

a little thank you shout out

and I'm off to sleep

because I really don't want to talk

about this entire weekend ever again.

 

PS....

Chinese food always looks and

smells better than it actually tastes.

No Pepsi weekend yet again

sucks



Spontaneouzzzz Thoughtzzzz for the 23rdzzz of Mayzzz

It's that time again, the moment that I realize that I have not slept enough to be able to survive this graveyard shift.  The phone rings, the solicitors are out in a frenzy, the dogs are barking, and there are the daily things that need to happen - but sleep is not on that list.  Hopefully, it won't hurt when the "H" key is engraved in my forehead when my head hits the keyboard.  Hopefully, I won't drool and short circuit the computer.  Hopefully the security cameras will not actually catch pictures of the flies going in and out of my mouth as I sleep.   Hopefully I can survive.  I have a love hate relationship with graveyards.  First - no customers to drive you insane - love.   But, second, the creepy nightness of everything, and knowing that everyone is soundly sleeping at home.  Tomorrow - I will continue the zombie hour as I try to function as a 'daytime' person again.  Until then - the inner vampire needs to get into the shower and get to work.  Where I will then solve the worlds problems... one hour at a time.

Thought of the day:

you know.. I'm just too tired

to come up with one.



Spontaneous Mini Thought for the Twenty'nell'th of May

I don't know about your clan... but ours is a movie line quoting kind a clan.  Something will happen when we're all together and we'll all (at the same time) spew out some movie line, and we all die laughing.  I've also noticed on Face book, that when my kids have an issue (happy or sad) one of them will post a movie clip, and we all die laughing.  I love this about my gang of misfits.  I remember Ashley and I were having a tough day and all of a sudden a song came on the radio and I yelled out "TJ!" and, yes, we peed our pants laughing.  (had to have been there)  So in honor of the nonstop wind blowing session going on in our world today, AND the fact that since Saturday night I've had about 12 hours of sleep... I shall post my fave line for my darling chillins and I would like you to do the actions with me now ok?  ok...

"teeaa inna winnnn'

(swaying from side to side)

 

Thought of the day:

Please don't bury me in a log

in the forest and put daises over

my eyes...



Spontaneeous Thought for the Almelo People of May

Hello person following my blog 26 times in the past 2 days, checking out all of my pictures and stories.... My Mini Thought is devoted to you today - because as you can see my blog is public and that's because I believe it's about sharing our worlds with each other.  So - let me know who you are - because I would like to know why you are so devoted to my blog.  Don't be shy - we have full military coverage and 2 bomb creating engineers in the family - we also have a means as to which to find and dismember you if you are a creeper, and hide the body... and that's just the women of the family.  If you would like to let me in on your obsession - I would love to know - perhaps we could all learn something from this.  Although the pictures you are stalking are stunning aren't they?!  Our family is special - and beautiful, and our stories are priceless.  Ok - well maybe not any of them involving Obama.  I would like to keep my blog public - so please leave a comment asap so I know who you are or I will block your sorry Almelo, Overijssel arse.  If it's Angie.. please forgive me (:

 

Thought of the day:

Don't mess with me

Spontanious Mini Thoughts for the Nights of May

 

 

Graveyard Shift

Need I say more?

 

Wait - why the heck is that last picture posted?

He hasn't done a thing - why is he tired?

(Maybe he's busy growing bangs like Michelle)

 

Thought of the Night:

When do you eat breakfast

when you work

nights? 

 

 



Spontaneous Mini Thought for the Family Day of May

If there is anything I would change in this world it would be goodbyes.  Today our beautiful Washington family left to go home.  This week we have captured every single moment we could to be together.  My daughter said she'd put 400 miles on the car just to be to everything.  This trip was extremely special for me.  I spend every minute I could watching my children.  Seeing them as adults, remembering moments when I only dreamed of this time in their lives.  Compassionate acts of love and tenderness, dinners, kites, sticky fingers, toys that go boing, moments of prayer, conversations of future plans and support for each other.  We were a family.  It was a time for our grand kids to be cousins - and actually realize that they were cousins and played together with such excitement.  They looked for each other, and giggled beyond words when they found each other.  It was a time to see my children sitting on a bench together at church for the first time in a long time because of our many schedules and miles between homes.  I loved little grand kids running from grandparent to grandparent in church today - each sharing an exceptional amount of love for each other.  A time to celebrate in law families - and seeing Camille prepare to serve her mission, and acknowledge how close our families are and always will be.  Tonight - my heart is full, and so incredibly lonely for all of them once again.  Sometimes people just don't understand the concept of forever families - in my life - I couldn't ever understand why someone wouldn't want exactly that.  Oh how I love my children - how grateful I am that they are dedicated to this family.  I appreciate all of their efforts this past week (and always) from tending, to dinners, to movies, to just being around each other.  Yes, dad and I got into the car to leave today.... and burst out into tears.  Gomer and I crying in the car - it was quite a sight.  Don't let a moment past this week without telling those children how much you love them - how proud you are of them... they carry our future (Ashley literally right now) in them - leave them with good memories - and good lessons of life.  Give them Good Roots.

 

Thought of the Day:

Please pass the Kleenexes