It all started with a snuggle…

Wednesday was scheduled for my day 5 embryo transfer.  I made it and was soooooo happy that morning.  I started in my favorite way…with a snuggle.  This time I decided this time to skip the pre-transfer acupuncture session and traded that time for extra hugs and calm assurances.  MrBeep is a snugglebug and this makes me a very very happy girl indeed.

I brought all the magic juju I could think of.  Naturally I had on my wedding ring, but on my other hand I wore my great-grandmother’s ruby cluster ring.  On my neck I wore my grandmother’s locket she gave me to wear on my wedding day.  My grandpa gave it to her when they were dating, over sixty years ago.  I also wore a jade and gold necklace my mom gave me.  I picked it out for her on a visit to San Francisco when I was about 7 years old.  I always loved that necklace and she gave it to me as a wedding gift.  I wore her mother’s earring in one ear and JJ’s earring in the other ear.  Counting my wedding ring, it was 4 generations of luck on one side of the family and three generations on the other.  I even wore my favorite nifty socks.  ;-)  After morning prep, ensuring full bladder uncomfortability stage and popping a happy pill, I was whisked off headed to the RE’s office. 

We arrived and were greeted by the staff with many wishes of good luck   I slipped into a sexy hospital gown number and was covered with warm blankets.  I love the warm blankets.  MrBeep got to wear pretty blue scrubs.  FYI - Many aspects were similar to last time in terms of how an embryo transfer is performed, the prep and procedure.  If you are curious, you can read about it in my prior post, “Showin’ and Tellin’ about my little monsters.”

We relaxed in the room a while when DrKAwesome stopped by to give us the embryologist’s report.  All six embryos were still alive at day 5 and they had 3 who were in the best shape and a little farther along in development.  They had successfully reached the early blastocyst stage.  As a review, we got 18 eggs, out of those 14 were mature and 10 fertilized normally using ICSI.  At day 3 6 looked pretty good, so they decided to go for a day 5 transfer, my RE office generally only does this if 5 or more are looking good. You may ask, why is keeping track of how embryos are doing is important?  There have been very specific studies at Stanford University that look the likelyhood of getting pregnant on an IVF cycle.

The researchers found that four factors—total number of embryos, number of eight-cell embryos, percentage of embryos that stopped dividing and would die, and the woman’s follicle-stimulating hormone level, a measurement that estimates ovarian function—were most important in determining a woman’s chance of becoming pregnant. The four together were 70 percent accurate in predicting whether the current IVF cycle would result in a pregnancy.

The researchers also found that these four factors were more predictive than any single measure of the actual transferred embryo(s). An individual embryo could meet all the criteria for a transfer, but if the IVF cycle produced a small number of embryos, few eight-cell embryos and a high percentage of embryos that stopped dividing, the woman’s chance of getting pregnant could actually be quite low.

“If you talk with IVF patients or doctors, they wouldn’t be surprised” to hear that the quality of all embryos in a cycle—not just the transferred one—matters, Yao said. “But it’s important to go beyond intuition and to prove it scientifically, in order to move the field forward.”

You can find the full article here.  http://med.stanford.edu/news_releases/2008/july/IVF.html.  I know this is not 100% sure, but it does a lot to put my mind and heart at ease during the 2WW.  Many of my ladies already know this, but after 40 this becomes an even scarier notion.  It is a big indicator of whether you will be refused/discouraged to use your own eggs and move on to donor.  I have no problem with donor.  I think the idea is fabulous and I am so happy it is an option for my friends and maybe some day for me down the road, but I wanted at least one good cycle.  At least one good try before giving up on my own DNA. I would have made me very sad to have lost the race the minute after I stepped out of the gate.  It also made me feel a lot better to know that even if this doesn’t work, we have a protocol that works well for my body.  I didn’t want to be out of options there either. 

We discussed a few issues with DrKAwesome and then decided (due to my age) to transfer….

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.

(wait for it)

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(can you feel the tension?)

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♥♥♥ 3 ♥♥♥

 

That’s right my wonderful bloggidy friends.  I’ve got 3 lil’ blasty monsters baking away in here.  After the transfer, we went home.  I rested in bed and got more happy warm snuggles.  Later in the evening MrBeep treated me to one of my favorite restaurants.  I had, as a tribute to my day with soo many people being up in my ladybusiness, spaghetti alla puttanesca. “How is the whore’s crotch?” MrBeep would ask me.  “Simply Divine” I would answer and we laughed and laughed. 

So c’mon my little monsters.  I know your journey has been long and hard. 

Snuggle in.

Excuse me while I pick my jaw up from the floor

I got the call this morning at 9:30 a.m.  The wonderful RE nurse Katie told me that the embryologist looked today and we have 6 grade 3 or higher embryos still going strong in the lab and they are pushing us to a Day 5 transfer on Wednesday. 

I’m so happy I can’t really express it in words.  This means the drug protocol worked this time.  It means that maybe we’ve got a chance.  It means that hope is beautiful and bakes cookies and says you are its best friend.   I’ll get an update later today on when we we are scheduled for Wednesday. 

Houston, we are go for blast.

The story of “MrBeep” – **Fert update

A few folks have asked from time to time about how MrBeep got his name.  I wanted to save this story for a special day.  Since my egg retrieval was today at 9:30 am and we got…

18 eggs!!!

**FERTILIZATION REPORT UPDATE
I got an update on the eggs.  We indeed retrieved 18 eggs, of those 14 (WOW!) were mature.  10 fertilized normally with ICSI (we have to do ICSI due to our male factor).  I am scheduled for a egg transfer on Monday at 11:00 am.  We’ll find out if that gets pushed to a 5 day transfer on Monday.**

I think it is due time to warrant a very special story. It all started after I began to read many of my bloggidy friend’s posts.  There were stories of their husband, significant other, special somebody, etc. and many have some really excellent and clever names for their dear heart loves.  Here’s a short list (in no particular order)

The Life of Liv has “Marvy”
mekate has “My darlin’”
MrsGamgee has “Beloved”
Sprogblogger has “The Boy”
Beautiful Mess has “Dirty”
Phoebe has “Magic”
JJ has “Mook”

Now maybe my friends do have counterparts whose actual Christian names are indeed “Dirty” and “Mook” and “Boy” and “Magic”.  Heck “Prince” is his real name.  But my guess was that these are names beautifully invented by highly amusing and intelligent women.  I am a poseur and wanted to have a nifty name for my husband too.  I wracked my feeble brain for a while until I remembered an amusing tidbit that made me think…I’ve got it!  MrBeep!

OK. Let me explain.  Our house has 3 stories (a walk-out basement, main level and 2nd floor).  Sometimes when you are looking for a person, they are sort of hard to find.  You call out, “Hello?” and they say something like “I’m here” and you still can’t quite pinpoint the location/floor due to the foyer causing a bit of an echo.  So one day I called out “Where are you…Beeeeeeep?” when looking for my husband and he replied “BEEP!”  We kept beeping at each other every few seconds like sonar pings until I found him.  Now we just call out in sonar beeping, even when we just want to get the other person’s attention to come into our current room for a smootch.  When I told him I named him MrBeep he absolutely loved it.  He also pointed out his initials are in the name.  Every now and then he’ll look at me and smile and say, “You named me MrBeep” and bust out laughing.

There ends the tale of how he was named MrBeep. 

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On other fronts, I enjoyed a delicious cup of morrocan mint tea with a delightful sesame snack over at Clare’s for the Mad IFers Tea Party.  Here was her kind quote: “let me pour you a glass of Moroccan mint tea to go with that. And here's one for you too, IF Optimist oh and a sweet sesame snack. IF Optimist is very happy to be here drinking tea with us all. Did you know she and her husband just celebrated their 2 year wedding anniversary? Congratulations!”

MrBeep and I wanted to say a big “Thank You!” to all of my bloggidgy friends who wished us well for (as Wiseguy perfectly put it) Anniversary Release date 2.0.  Way to go on the geekspeak Wiseguy!

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I’ll find out more tomorrow on how many of those 18 eggs are mature and fertilized.  I must say that I am very happy with the results so far.  Man, do my ovaries feel achy (but that is another story for another day.)

Anniversary and updates

Yesterday was MrBeep’s and my anniversary.  We’ve been married for two years, but we have been together for over fourteen.  We decided to have the ceremony and “make it official” because we were seriously going for help in making our family.  We had our ceremony in the local state park in a grove covered with trees and surrounded by ferns.  Here is a picture of us after the ceremony, walking from the fern grove to the reception building.  My dress was green and the top had gold and copper embroidery.  It was hand made by a local shop in Bellevue, WA.  We are both so glad we got hitched because we have an official day where we enjoyed a big party with a small group of our favorite friends and family.  We both decided amid the planning that we didn’t want a wedding cake because most wedding cake isn’t very good…and really…when it comes right down to it.  Wouldn’t you rather have pie?  We love pie.  We had a wedding pie. 

A pear and almond tart, it was fun and yummy and topped with Penguins in Love

Last year, I came up with a system for our anniversary.  We both decided was a fun idea.

MrBeep is in charge of odd year anniversary celebrations (1, 3, 5, 7, 9…)
I am in charge of even year anniversary celebrations (2, 4, 6, 8, 10…)

If the anniversary date falls on a Friday, Saturday, Sunday or Monday we make a mini-vacation out of it.  If the date falls on a Tuesday, Wednesday or Thursday then we have a little evening of dinner or a movie. Last year MrBeep selected a weekend in Portland, OR. This year I chose to go out to a restaurant in Seattle called Bizzarro.  We shared the best risotto I have ever enjoyed.  It was served with a seared duck breast.  We also had some hand-made pasta with Bolognese.  Dessert was strawberry and balsamic vinegar ice-cream.  Mmmmmmmmm.  We both had a really fun time and we love new eating adventures. I’m very lucky to have such a great best friend and love in MrBeep.  I am a better person for meeting and knowing him he is the best thing that has ever happened to me. 

Cycle status update:  Sorry for the delay in reporting what is going on with me and eggs and the cycle.  I have been swamped with a new cool film project. I promise to write about that another time.  Tuesday we hadn’t quite made it so we waited another day.  Today I went in to see DocO for an ultrasound and blood work.  Ultrasound finally revealed enough follicles over 19mm to go for trigger.  I have 16 follicles measuring above 10mm on with a half dozen smaller ones around for good measure.  DocO thinks we may get 10 or 11 good sized ones out of the bunch given their current size.  My E2 level was 2585 so we have some going on for sure.  MrBeep mixed my trigger shot while I watched and we took it at 9:30 pm.  We are scheduled for egg retrieval on Friday morning.  WOWZER! 

Simply stimulating my dear

Things are moving along, time is rushing by.  I enjoyed a blood letting and coochie cam extravaganza at 7:45 am on a Saturday morning.  Boy, did I love getting up that early, lemme tell ya.  No coffee, eyes barely open.  I let MrBeep sleep in and keep the bed nice and warm for my return.  DrKAwesome checked me out and declared my endometrium “nice and thick” which I will assume is OK.  Then she checked both ovaries and started measuring follicle sizes.  Lefty was in a funny position and hiding, but we measured 6 follicles at 8 – 12 mm.  Righty measured 8 follicles at 8-12 mm too.  So it looks like the growth is pretty even. There are no cysts or follicles measuring way ahead of the rest of the bunch. My E2 numbers are at 598, so that went up nicely from two days ago (221).  My meds have stayed steady since the beginning of the stim cycle so I think that is good too.  I am nervous about these things because last cycle we ran into drug issues so hopefully that won’t be the case this time.  So far it seems things are working OK.  (Knock on wood) 

MrBeep is so wonderful.  He prepares my meds every morning and evening while I watch (as an added quality assurance check).  Sometimes we mix it up and I mix/prep the injections while he verifies the protocol (I know, we’re wild like that!)  He refuses to ever just prep the meds like last time, he has to double-check the doctor’s website to make sure that none of the medications or dosages have changed.  He’s thorough and very scientific.  I highly recommend having that quality assurance checker, it really helps make you feel like you’ve done everything right and no important steps were forgotten, plus you get the added bonus of hugs and kisses on a job well done.

I was a good girl and finished the rest of my boring work that I was procrastinating on today.  I think writing about it to y’all embarrassed me enough to finally get it done.  Now hopefully I can move on to a few more things that are fun or at least mildly interesting, like cleaning my desk and doing bills…or maybe I will just go for a walk in the sun.

What’s the buzz? Tell me whatsa happenin’

I’ve been on the micro-dose lupron protocol officially since Sunday.  I took small doses of lupron (.1 cc ) in the morning and evening on Sunday and Monday.  Then I had a quick ultrasound check on Monday to make sure the aspirated cyst was indeed gone and

<drumroll please>

WOOO HOOO it was nice and flat and deflated.  Both ovaries are showing no cysts and 10-15 follicles each, so hopefully I’ll have a “good crop”.  On Tuesday I continued the morning micro-dose of lupron but added a 375 unit dose of gonal-f.  In the evening I take another dose of lupron and 150 units of menopur.  That makes me stimming now for a couple of days.  I had no idea how I was doing until today when I had my first blood draw.  My E2 level is at 225, which I am told is good.  I go back for a (ugh!) 7:45 am appointment on Saturday to get another blood draw and an ultrasound.  Hopefully these eggs are baking along quite nicely.  Every day I take a prenatal vitamin along with a RE recommended low-dose aspirin -- my belly is black and blue from the injections and thin blood.  MrBeep looks at me, sticks out his lower lip and pouts on my behalf.  Then I get kisses and hugs and words of encouragement.  The menopur stings sometimes but other times it doesn’t at all.  I couldn’t tell you why.

On the “other parts of my life” front I am not accomplishing as much daily as I would like, but that’s just the way the cookie crumbles around here.  I need to finish a tremendously boring aspect of what I am doing right now and I know I’m procrastinating.  I’m getting just enough done to avoid total embarrassment…but it’s really not good enough.  I need to just get the damned thing out of the way.  Maybe tomorrow I will put my nose to the grindstone and not be distracted by…hey, look a  shiny thing in the corner of my eye <wander>. 

On more creative fronts, I received final copies of four Japanese children’s stories I helped rewrite with my friend and his mother.  My friend’s mother produces and records audiobooks in Japanese for the blind.  This year they decided to do some classic children’s folk tales with readings in both Japanese and English.  I received the first draft of four different stories from the Japanese version and rewrote them to add dialog and fix some of the awkwardness from the original transcripts.  I listened to the finished CDs for the first time on Wednesday and it was really fun.  They have asked me to do four more stories in the next few months.  Yay for fun and creative stuff to do!

High aspirations

Sorry I am writing so late.  I swear I am not doing this to build for dramatic tension.  I went in this morning for my blood work and follicle ultra sound and…

flucking
cyst
was
bigger

That’s right folks.  Now that I took a couple of extra days of birth control pills it has made the cyst a tiny bit bigger, by about a millimeter.  Nice huh?   DocO said that they would need to get the labs back and discuss options in their noon meeting.  They said that they would call and let us know whether they recommend delaying or aspirating the cyst.   I waited forever, then fell asleep on the couch when the phone rang at 4:15 p.m.  It was MrBeep wanting to know what the plan was.  I called the RE office and talked to Katie (I was next to call on her list, grumble grumble).  My E2 is even better (staying nice and low).  The plan is that I am going in tomorrow for a cyst aspiration about noon.  It is similar in prep to an egg retrieval and I have to get IV’ed and doped up a bit.  MrBeep will need to drive me home and be there in case I have any bad reactions to the medicine. 

After the aspiration, the plan is for me to start injecting micro-dose lupron starting on Sunday.  Finally, FINALLY I get to do something. 

There is so much going on right now.  mekate is going for egg retrieval tomorrow, K was retrieved today and should get her egg/fert report soon, Megan is holding out for a day 5 transfer hopefully on Friday, Pie is starting MDL a couple of days ahead of me (cycle buddy!), The Infertile Breeder (my friend from resolve boards) just got back a good 2nd beta after a first one that was a little scary.  Mad Hatter has given the finger to doctors who didn’t believe in the power of her ovaries and ovulated on her own.  She is currently in the 2WW.

Sprogblogger got heartbreaking news today, Shannon is remembering a sad anniversary, Sarah had devastating news this week too.  Please go give them all some support and love.

The universe is expanding, galaxies are spinning.  We are all along for the ride.  Love and hugs and magic sending out on the night’s wind and through the Seattle rain to you all.

I have a comment…fluck

I went in this morning for my suppression check.  I finished the last of my 9 days of birth control pills on Sunday morning and this was The Big Day…and…we found another cyst.  It is borderline in size and may be on its way out.  I told DocO and the nurse I was feeling pains and pangs on my right side for several days about 2-3 days ago but things have quieted down for the most part.  Those pains have gone away, but there was still a cyst on the ultrasound.  I asked, “it’s on the right side, correct?”  Nurse Sara was surprised and said, “That’s right.  You’re just like the princess and the pea, aren’t you?”  “Yeah, I am by now” I told her.  It’s funny how much this ride can make you in tune with your insides.

So I’m a great IVF patient on paper.  My lab results came back great…again.  I am well suppressed, the cyst doesn’t seem to be causing an estrogen spike.  My E2 is at a nice low 37.  My FSH is 8.1.  I have 10-15 follicles on each ovary (yeah, we’re talking like 20-30 eggs percolating in there gals).  There is so much to raise my hopes, so many good things that hint at a great start, but here come the cysts in to make my princess bed all lumpy and uncomfortable.  <sigh>

So here’s the current plan, I took another birth control pill today and will do so for 2 more days.  I am supposed to go back on Wednesday for another ultrasound, and hopefully the cyst will measure smaller and we can get this show on the road.  If it is unchanged or bigger..well I dunno.  I guess I’ll have to lay on that bed after I make it.  Peas and all.

I was reading and commenting today and I got a word verification that summed up my thoughts on this exactly…

Yes ladies and germs…fluck, which could mean what we think of first or the optimist in me says it can be a compound word for follicle and luck, which is exactly what I need right now.

Cycle Status – Part 2

It’s late again.  I just turned my computer on for the first time today in and checked my blogger and found out about Sprogblogger’s horrible news.  Please go and give her some love and comfort.  She is one of the most amazing and fabulous people who have supported and helped me beyond measure.  I was so overjoyed for her and now I can’t stop crying.  To have this news on the heels of Mo and Will’s has shattered my feelings of hope.

The RE’s office called back Thursday afternoon for my instructions, they decided that due to the size of the cyst, DocO and his colleagues recommended it was best to wait until next month.  So I am not officially cancelled, but I am postponed and waiting yet another month.  I was upset, I cried like crazy.  But I can’t write about the details right now. I was going to tell all of the reasons why we agreed to postpone rather than aspirate and how I lost it and sobbed on the phone with the wonderful and compassionate IVF nurse, but I won’t write about that today.  I am beyond sad and upset for my friends and my stupid petty little problems are nothing in the midst of this.

Why does this all have to be so heart breakingly hard?

Are you kidding me?

I went in this morning for my suppression check.  I have been put on the micro-dose lupron protocol, and I have just finished 14 days of birth control pills.  The first part of the suppression check is getting a blood draw.  The good news is I got my favorite phlebotomist. She is awesome.  I hardly feel a pinch and she never leaves a bruise.  The test today is for checking my estrogen (E2) level.  They do this to make sure that there is no rise in estrogen.  A rise would indicate the birth control pills weren’t doing their job to suppress my natural  hormone response.

Next I was taken into the changing room and given my paper sarong.  I asked the nurse what they were looking for in the ultrasound.  She said they are looking to see all of the follicles in the ovary were still roughly the same size and that there wasn’t a follicle growing much larger than the others.  They are also looking to make sure there are no cysts present.

The doctor called me into the exam room (DrT) and thus began my date with the dildocam.  First she checked the state of my uterine lining, then she measured my uterus.  Both looked OK.  She checked my right ovary next and there it was.  A large black follicle much larger than any of the others and measured at 14mm.  Even I could tell right away it was a problem. 

Dammit.  FFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFuck.

By the way, I think that it sucks I can now understand what I am seeing on a pelvic ultrasound.  DrT then checked the left ovary and that one was fine.  No large empty spaces, no indication of cysts.  Good ole lefty.  “OK.  So what does this big follicle mean?” I asked DrT.  She said that my estrogen levels are an important indicator to determine what comes next.  If they are high, then it means this large follicle may have and egg and may be producing lots of estrogen.  Since it would be way ahead of the other follicles it would be bad to start IVF drugs.  If my estrogen level is low, then this may be just a cyst and we might be able to proceed.  I was told to go home and wait for the test results.  I went home and told MrBeep <sigh>.

Several hours later my phone rang and I talked to the nurse.  The good news is that my estrogen level is low (40 = yay!) and that I should order my meds on Monday.  I am scheduled to come in again on Thursday morning where they plan to do another ultrasound.  The nurse explained that now I am no longer taking birth control pills that I would likely have a “withdrawl bleed” and they are hoping that the cyst will collapse on its own during that time.  I am to bring my lupron with me and if it looks good I’ll take the shot at the RE’s office and the cycle will proceed. 

I  did notice yesterday while I was working on my laptop that my right side had a few sharp pains just left of my hip bone, like it does when I have, oh I dunno, a cyst perhaps?  I thought, “Shit.  I hope that’s not what I think it may be.”  It was.  Anyone want to come over and punch me in the ovary?  Maybe that’ll pop the bastard.

Just for the record, I didn’t have a cyst two weeks ago during my baseline ultrasound. I watched the monitor.  DocO was very thorough in checking.  All looked wonderful.  I was curious and decided to google ovarian cysts.  Do you know what they recommend to prevent them?  C’mon fancy a guess?  Birth control pills.  Exactly what I’ve been taking for the last 14 days. Are you kidding me?

So I’m where?  Oh yeah, that’ right.  Waiting.  Again.  More to come on Thursday.

Game On!

OK.  Here’s the scoop.  I went early this morning for a blood draw, then came back an hour later for my baseline ultrasound with DocO.  He started out by saying he could clear things up.  While the lab “officially” opens for all RE office business on the day of my estimated retrieval, they always make sure that everything is ready for patients who need egg retrieval 2 days earlier (that is also a part of their normal routine when shutting down the lab for cleaning).  DocO said if it looked like we would need to retrieve 3 days early, then the cycle would be cancelled or converted anyway, because that is just too early to retrieve good eggs.  As for taking BCP for 14 days, it is totally within the protocol and no cause of concern.  The way he explained the lab schedule was totally clear to me.  I “got it” right away.  I immediately felt better, then we got on to the baseline ultrasound.

First we checked out “lefty” who had 13 follicles percolating.  Wow!  Then we checked the right ovary and there were 14 more.  Another wow!  Anyone need a 27 egg omelet?  My blood work came back pretty good too.  FSH is 8.4, E2 is 51.  DocO said everything looked great, all of the numbers look better than last time and it is a very nice start.

There it is.  I shouldn’t have got myself all excited and worried, but this is all just so important, you know?  I can’t help get a little edgy from time to time.  Sorry about taking you all on my wild ride. I really appreciated your comments and ideas.  I ran down to check my computer first thing this morning before heading off to the appointment.

I start taking BCP tomorrow. (Cool, now MrBeep and I can do it like bunnies and not have to worry about me getting knocked up! What a relief!)  In a couple of weeks I will take two small doses of lupron twice daily then add stims into the mix.  I’ll write more on micro-dose flare protocol as I learn it myself.  Thanks again to all who gave me some ideas and encouragement.  Maybe my new IF Haiku will be good luck all around (thanks for posting MeKate).  I hope you all enjoy the rest of your weekend, I’m off to walk in the sunlight and enjoy a decaf iced somethingorother with my girlfriend Ali.

Should I stay or should I go now?

OK.  I’ll admit it.  I feel asleep Friday night at like 9:30 p.m. (WHAT?!? I am an old geezer) instead of writing my Friday blog post.  So here we are on a fresh and sunny Saturday instead.

AF showed up exactly on time, so yeah, I didn’t even have to POAS because hey, I could never be pregnant for even maybe a day on my own. No anxious “maybe maybe crossing fingers” hope for me.  Perhaps my contribution to IF Haiku was a premonition for the month?  Feh.  Anyway, a week ago Friday was the day that I headed off for playing in the waves at Huntington State Beach.  I’m riding shot-gun when my phone rang.  Caller ID showed it was my RE’s office. 

Me:  Ummmmm, hello?

IVF coordinator:  Hi.  I wanted to talk to you about your next cycle schedule.

Me:  OK.

IVF coordinator:  The team decided to put you on the micro-dose lupron protocol for your next IVF cycle.  I was looking at the potential calendar and we may have some issues between your schedule and the embryology lab closure**.  Normally you take BCP for about 10-14 days, if we push it to the max of 14 days, we’ll then have you start stims.  We estimate you will be ready for egg retrieval on the day the lab opens.  When do you expect day 1 of your cycle?

Me:  Friday the 17th or Saturday the 18th.  It sort of depends on the time of day things kick off.

IVF coordinator:  Oh.  Um, do you think you may be a little late?

Me:  I’m typically never late.  But who knows, now that I’ve said it out loud.  So let me understand this, you’ll be pushing me to the edge of your protocol and expect that I will be available on the day the lab opens.  What if I am a day early, or 2 days early?

IVF coordinator:  Ahhhh, good point.  Well how about we chat again when you start cycle day 1 as this may be a moot point depending on the day you start.

**Oh, by the way, I forgot to write in my post IVF WTF meeting that we were taking one month off due to Dr. recommendation and then planning to do IVF #2 in late July/Aug.  It was estimated that the RE’s office embryology lab being closed for a month for cleaning wouldn’t be an issue for our schedule, but GUESS WHAT?  How lucky can one girl get?  Murgdan’s post, Frozen in Time explains she has the same thing going on this month.  Her FET was delayed another month due to lab closure.  I understand why it is necessary…really I do, but AAARRRRRRGGGGHHHHH!!!

Fast forward 1 week

Friday comes and it is for sure cycle day 1.  I call the RE’s office leave a message at 11:30 am saying it’s CD1. At 3:45 pm the IVF coordinator (who is a really nice person BTW) calls me back. 

IVF coordinator:  OK.  I’ve developed a plan and sent the calendar to you via email.  We’ll have you come in for a baseline bloodwork and ultrasound on Sunday, then you’ll take 14 days of BCP starting on Monday.  We’ll have you start stims and I have you expected for egg retrieval on 8/17 which is the day the lab opens back up.

Me:  Great, um…well.  We’re back at the same place aren’t we?  What if they find (like last time) that I am ready for egg retrieval early? I understand that they do not expect to have the same problem with LH surge since I am not on Cetrotide, but what if something else happens and I am a day early?  Do one of your other offices in the area have an open embryology lab?

IVF coordinator: No, those offices do not have labs.

Me:  OK.  Well.  Honestly this makes me a little nervous.  I have never been on this protocol and have never taken Lupron. It’s not just the time and the emotional issues, but we’re talking like $12,000 here.  Maybe I should wait another month if things seem too close.

IVF coordinator:  (very nicely) I thought you told me that you didn’t want to wait another month before starting the next IVF?

Me:  I don’t. Believe me.  I have been waiting for one thing or another, complications, etc. for 5 years.  I am very very tired of waiting.  I want to do this, but I am scared that something may happen.  I don’t understand all this stuff.  I don’t know if pushing the protocol to the edge is routine or not.  I have my expertises, but this is not one of them.  Do you think I can talk to the Doctor to answer my questions?  It will help me to decide whether to go forward this month or not.

IVF coordinator: I’ve got an idea.  I’ll talk to the IVF lab folks and see what they plan to do if there are any early emergencies.  Also DocO will be there for your baseline bloodwork and ultrasound.  We need to see how you are looking and we can develop a plan.  I’ll schedule your appointment as the last one of the day and he can talk to you, answer questions and help you decide what is best.  OK?

Me:  Oh, thanks so much.  I really do appreciate it, even if I sound a little insane.

So now I have an appointment for blood draw tomorrow at 8am and a baseline ultrasound/consult at 9:15 am with DocO (he wanted to have the bloodwork results).  I’m sure these guys will put me at ease and I’ll be glad to have MrBeep along to help decide but why, WHY does it have to be so complicated? 

Anyone else do the micro-dose lupron protocol?  How many days did you take birth control pills?  How long did your stims last?  Anyone else have good questions I should ask DocO?  I really don’t want to wait another cycle, it’s a bad idea when you are an older patient.  Should I go for it?  Should I wait?  I am stuck in a Clash song from the 80’s.

Should I stay or should I go now?
If I go there will be trouble,
And if I stay it will be double,
So you gotta let me knohoooow
Should I stay or should I go?

Sifting through the data, developing a plan

I have finally had enough naps to get my brain working again.  MrBeep and I went in today for our cycle review appointment with DocO.  I had my spreadsheet with all of my lab values printed out and a few questions ready, along with a pen to take notes.  DocO greeted us in the lobby and walked us to his office.  He was really nice and started out by asking us how we were doing.  We said we were doing fine and were glad to be there to find out more.  He said that the cycle review is an appointment that they never want to make because they really want to get their patients the ultimate goal, a healthy baby.  I appreciated that.  He didn’t have to say it. 

We got down to business.  The biggest problem, he explained, was the fact that I had an LH surge early in my cycle. The Centrotide, just didn’t work on my body to suppress a natural LH surge.  Unfortunately, the drug isn’t effective on a small percentage of people. (Why can’t I instead be in the small percentage that wins the lottery, or finds change in the couch cushions?)  So as a review dear internets, I was put on the antagonist protocol due to developing cysts when taking clomid.  I was beginning stimulation Day 7 of my gonal-f/menopure medication when my morning blood work showed the LH jump.  DocO explained that something happens when LH surges that affects the eggs.  You can’t delay once it happens because the eggs start to go to the next phase of their development.  In the antagonist protocol, patients generally take stimulation medication from 10 to 13 days.  Now if they have to trigger one day early, it’s no big deal.  Two days early can have some problems, but you generally get good eggs, but three days early is a big problem.  You want the eggs to get to a certain level of maturity before the LH surge happens.  I was 3 days early.  They didn’t really get enough time “to cook”.  He said the fact that we got 10 eggs with 6 (relatively) mature and all 6 fertilizing was a really good sign.  He also explained the fact that I got pregnant was also a very good indicator of future success.  He said that the embryo that implanted was just not a good one (DNA wise) and that if it was, I would probably been able to stay pregnant and have a normal healthy baby.  Next time we will hopefully have more fully mature eggs to start with that have had time to properly develop all the necessary bits to have better success.  He said if we had been able to stim for a couple of days more, the outcome would have been much better, including maybe having some make it to Day 5 for better selection, or even have some left for freezing.  I hope he is right.

So now on to THE PLAN.  DocO suggested that we do a lupron based protocol next time.  This is normally their preferred protocol and they have good success with it.  There is no centrotide used in this protocol.  He was very positive on the outlook and gave me a good prognosis.  He isn’t sure if it will be long lupron or micro-dose.  He said that they always talk through these things in a group meeting with all of the professionals present to get as much brain power on the cycle plan as possible.  So we won’t know until we get closer to the date at hand.  We are taking this month off at his recommendation (Yay! I get to visit my family in So. Cal.) and will start stimming in late July for an estimated August retrieval/transfer.

After the meeting, DocO walked us to the waiting room and we chatted about the books we are reading/listening to via Audible.  He and MrBeep started to talk about their favorites and some military history books (DocO is a Navy Veteran), those two also should go on a playdate some time.  DocO didn’t have to be his awesome nice self.  I can tell he really cares.  He could have just been matter-of-fact/doctor like, but everyone in that office is just wonderful.  MrBeep and I knew this may take more than one try, we are still quite aware that we may never be successful, but all signs are pointing in a positive direction for now.  I have read that many folks have problems trying to get their protocol nailed down with IVF #1 and later ones work out the wrinkles. 

I left the meeting feeling SOOOOOOOO relieved. I didn’t do anything wrong (in terms of med dosage, monitoring, etc), my little monsters achieved so much despite the odds against them.  I know they are hanging out for better raw material next time.  My heart was light and fluffy.  I am filled again with hope.

Nope.

The first and most important thing to tell everyone today is how much I appreciate all of your kind words, good thoughts, prayers and wishes.  I was a little shy about documenting this journey and opening my wounds to the world, but ultimately I hoped it would help others as well as me.  I can’t express how much finding my new bloggidy friends who are experiencing the same roller coaster of frustrations and hopes and joys means to me.  Thank you all from the bottom of my heart.

I woke up this morning at the godawful early hour of 6:40 am (I went to sleep at 1:40 am), grabbed a pregnancy test and used it.  After counting the required seconds in the stream, I placed it on a washcloth on the bathroom counter, covered it with tissue so I couldn’t read it, then left the room to get dressed.   Next I headed to the RE office for my 2nd beta/blood test.  I took along a container of strawberries freshly picked from my garden the evening before.  I wanted to give a little thanks to everyone at the office who have been so absolutely kind to me, they all kept telling us how much they were rooting for a positive and I know that they are all sincere and really care.  That also means so much during these delicate times.

One of the RE nurses, Katie stopped me as I came out of phlebotomy.  We talked in a room and I let her know that I didn’t think it worked since my pee test was negative the day before, but I wanted to make her aware of a few pains in my left side (near ovary/tubes area).  She told me that they would keep an eye on these beta numbers, and to not give up hope yet.  She did mention to call them any time day or night, even the emergency line if I had questions, but if I found I was in extreme pain, to head straight to the emergency room.  We talked a little about this IVF cycle, I mentioned I was ready to do another one if the doctors said it was OK.  She said that things overall looked pretty good.  I did stimulate well, we got to both egg retrieval and transfer, so the outlook was still overall pretty good.

I drove home and as soon as I got into the house went to check the results of the pee stick.  NOT PREGNANT was blazing up at me.  I wasn’t surprised.  I was back early enough to enjoy a snuggle with MrBeep.  I climbed in bed and told him the POAS results.  He held me tight, gave me lots of kisses and we talked. I started to cry and told him “I just didn’t do good enough for our monsters. They needed a better home with the best material possible, but I didn’t have it this time.  They are picky little monsters and I don’t blame them.”  MrBeep reminded me that this was something we had to work on and we knew it may take some rounds to hopefully reach success.  He said we’d work to find the best way to keep a monster or two.  I really hope he is right. 

I miss my monsters already.

MrBeep offered to stay home from work today, but I told him I had a ton of preparation for our short film shoot this weekend.  I told him I would call him with the news from the RE’s office and I asked him to try to come home early if the news was negative.  The call came around 2:15 p.m.  The nurse said she had spoke with Katie about our chat and she knew that I was perhaps expecting this news…”I’m sorry but the number has gone down today, it’s now at 10.4” she said.  I told her that I had checked the pee stick from this morning and knew.  The nurse was really sweet and supportive.  She told me to stop my meds.  She explained that they usually require a cycle off to let your hormones get back to normal, but that she would talk with my doctor and we may use this next cycle for the prep (some take birth control pills, my protocol is estrace/antagonist the couple of weeks before stimming).  We scheduled a cycle review meeting with DocO on Monday morning at 9:30 a.m.  So I will get my WTF meeting early next week.  I called MrBeep and gave him all of the news and plans.  He made me feel better and will be coming home early.  I love and appreciate him so much, it makes my heart ache.

I know this may sound trite or hokey, but I still feel really lucky.  I did not have some of the unbearable stress that many folks have had to endure due to the assvice of others, doctors who could give a shit, clinics that treat them as a number instead of a person, problems at work trying to juggle a challenging IVF schedule, or even medical complications along the way that would indicate really dire problems during a future IVF try.  The truth is, we all want to be that miracle IVFer, to be the “it worked on the first try girl” but given my age, the chances were in a room of 3 people, 2 wouldn’t come out with baby in their arms.  I was one of those two who didn’t and perhaps that’s OK.  I can afford another round, my spirit is not broken, time is ticking…but it has not run out.  In the end I will get the monster of my dreams.  In the end, I am still IF Optimist.

And the answer is...YES! No. Maybe? WTF??

I don't really know what to say today. I'm not sure what to report. Here's what I've got. I went in this morning for my blood test. I don't know if I mentioned it, but I am 11dp3dt. They took my blood sample at 9:30 a.m. We had a dinner/movie outing planned out with the in-laws that turned out needing to start at 2:15 pm. They picked us up at 1:45. MrBeep and I decided at 1:15 since we had not yet heard from the RE's office, that we would just turn all of the phones/cells to silent and not answer anything until we returned home. I just didn't want any bad news to cloud the day and a few hours wouldn't change the results.

We went out to see the movie UP. As always, Pixar has done an outstanding job with another awesome feature movie. It's sweet, warm, heartbreaking and hilarious. An extraordinary accomplishment. I saw Pete Doctor's first short at Mike and Spike's Festival of Animation when I lived in San Francisco. Pete Doctor has always been aces in my book. There have been some very kind posts that warn of a scene that can be very hard to watch for those of us still in the midst of battling infertility. When it came up, I held MrBeep tight and squeezed and kissed his shoulder. I did cry in many places during the movie that explored undying love and devotion. I'm a big softy. Most of the time, I was laughing and cheering the protagonists along. It is a really funny movie. I laughed far more than anything else, but be sure to see it on a good day and not a day where your heart is a little vulnerable. :-)

So on to the results. MrBeep went and listed to the message. I was curled up in bed waiting for him to snuggle close and give me the news. He squeezed me tight and said we have a positive beta, but the number is a little low.

17.2

Not awful, but not good either. I think the blood test was really early, only 11 days past the transfer, but what the hell do I know. Can anyone tell me what day your beta test was performed? Any good stories of low betas on day 11? I am scheduled to return on Wednesday for another blood test. The doctors are looking for the numbers to at least double. So here I am again..waiting. We are still optimistic that things may work out. I am most definitely pregnant until proven otherwise, and that gives me some hope, my heart is a little lighter than yesterday. I will keep my heart light until I have definitive news. There will be plenty of time for tears later.

Before we went off to the movies, we did a silly dance for our little monsters. Today we picked the most appropriate of them all...The Monster Mash.

Showin’ and tellin’ ‘bout my little monsters

As promised, I’m writing about my wonderful day last Wednedsay.  I wanted to take some extra time to write in detail how my day went, any science-y or technical stuff and finally how I felt when it was all done.  I started off the day with my morning snuggle with MrBeep.  Then I enjoyed my morning google reader/blog fix, commented on a few posts, then wrote a transfer day checklist. Then it was off for a bath and getting ready.  I wore my fabulous flowery brown and pink pants, a pink shirt, my Gramma’s locket, my wedding ring, engagement ring and finally my tangerine dream earrings from The Awesome JJ.  Fully loaded with as much positive juju as possible, I stepped out the door and wizzed off to pick up Looooo. 

She and I headed out to PCC Natural Market, picked up a light lunch from the deli area, then we headed out to a waterfront park to enjoy lunch and relax.

I gobbled a yummy veggie wrap, a cup of soup and finished with an awesome peanut butter chocolate chunk cookie.  Looooo gave me a piece of her vegan gingerbread cookie and WOWZER it was even better than mine.  I relaxed and munched away, she told me about her crazy week doggy sitting 3 Jack Russell terriers for a friend.  Mayhem and adventure was a major theme.  It was great.  No talk about what was going down in a few hours, no infertility drama, etc.  It was so calming.  I needed it.

I kicked off my sandals and let my toes wriggle in the cool grass.  The sun warmed my face, the wind cooled my skin.  A glorious day. The high was 85 degrees, it was the warmest day of the year so far.  Closing my eyes, I decided I wouldn’t allow my mind to obsess or think in circles.  Calm mind, warm heart.  Breathe.  It took a lot of years to arrive at this day.  Just IN.  And OUT.

After my toes were cool, my hunger sated, and my skin warm, Looooo drove me to the RE clinic and gave me a hug.  I decided to try the pre and post transfer acupuncture, I really appreciate the advice from folks here on my blog and on the forums at Resolve.org.  I met with a really nice acupuncture professional who asked if my bladder was full.  It was QUITE FULL actually, and I was in a bit of discomfort.  She said it was OK to use the bathroom.  Despite all of my water guzzling during lunch, I honestly didn’t think I’d be able to get back up to my full potential within an hour, so I just went to the point where I was no longer in pain, but not empty either.  Yes, I stopped mid-stream…I discovered my totally lame Heroes power. 

She brought me into a procedure room and I lay flat on a cushioned exam table.  She asked if I had any questions or concerns (I couldn’t think of any) so we began.  She placed needles in my wrists, belly, knees, feet, ears, and on the top of my head.  She put an herbal eyemask on my face, turned on some lilting, ethereal music and dimmed the lights.  She told me to just relax and breathe and then left me to be at peace.  I settled my mind and stayed in the moment, just breathing deeply, letting all of my muscles relax.  I steadied my nerves, my breathing and (hopefully) my blood pressure.  After the procedure was over, MrBeep came into the room and gave me a kiss.  The acupuncturist gently removed the needles, helped me up from the table and walked us both back to the patient recovery room near the procedure/IVF transfer room.

Prep and Embryo Selection

I was given a warm gown, booties and a very fashionable hair cap (well…OK.  not really very fashionable at all) and asked to change into them.  MrBeep was given scrubs, booties and a cap too.  He was very cute in his blue scrubs!  I wanted to take a photo, but I forgot the chip in my camera (don’t you hate that?)  Grrrrrrrr.  After a few minutes, an RE nurse came in and checked my name and birth date. 

“And what procedure are you here for today?” she asked. 
“My Day 3 Embryo transfer” I replied, smiling. I like that they check to make sure every little thing, even the stuff that would seem obvious, ‘cause you never know.
“Excellent.  DrL will be right with you to go over the procedure and tell you about your embryos.”

I was very nervous.  I knew we had enough to be there, but had no idea of the quantity or quality.  DrL stopped by a few minutes later, smiling.  He shook hands with my husband and they did a little required guy talk “So what line of work are you in?” asked DrL.  “Biotechnology” replied MrBeep.  Then they discussed the use of DNA microarrays for pre and post-natal genetic screening (this is one division of MrBeep’s company, others include cancer screening, and biowarfare agent detection).  DrL warmed up to MrBeep right away.  He has that effect on people.  Then we got down to talking about the embryos.  DrL told us there was good news. We had 3 or 4 embryos available to transfer.  He explained that there was no way to tell by sight which one was most likely to implant (if any at all).  He said it was up to us whether to do 3 or 4.  We discussed a few different options and got his advice.  Finally, due to my age (40), our MF and the quality of the embryos, we decided to transfer all 4.  All were at least 8 cells.  #1 looked great, 2 and 3 looked good and 4 was looking a tad fragmented, but not out of the running.  We decided to give the li’l guy/gal a chance and included #4 too.  DrL said we made a great decision and told me to sit tight for another few minutes while the embryologist got the embies ready.

The Procedure

When everything was ready, MrBeep and I were escorted across the hall to the procedure room.  Did I mention how cute he was in his blue scrubs?  I got on the table, the nurse helped me into the industrial strength procedure stirrups (your legs are fully supported and your knees are held apart by these cushioned pads), and set a pillow behind my head.  MrBeep was seated in a chair next to me, and had a good view of the procedure monitor.  I was so glad he was near by.  I could squeeze his hand and get a smile if I were nervous. 

The embryologist (DrW) introduced himself and let us know that we should watch the wall monitor (TV) above our heads.  He said he was going to show us our embryos.  I was very interested in seeing this, I looked at MrBeep who gave me a smile.  DrW called out from the embryology lab and asked if we could see anything yet on the screen. 

What appeared were letters.  You see, the petri dish (via some fancy microscope/TV hookup) was shown on the monitor.  We could see that my name (DrW took us through each letter of my last, then first name) PLUS my birthdate were written on the petri dish itself. Then he zoomed in on the letter “R” and there were 4 tiny little embryos, all ready and waiting to be picked up by mommy and daddy.  I LOVED THIS.  No matter what my outcome for this cycle, I was able to see them on that day.  For that I am truly thankful. It made the whole experience so much more REAL, you know?  This was something that we could see with our own two eyes, not just drugs and injections and lab results on a spreadsheet, but real beings.  Our own 4 little monsters (see video).  He asked if everything looked right, we told him it all seemed great. 

Next DrL came in, washed up, set up the speculum and clamp (that one pinched like a muther this time).  He called to DrW we were ready to go.  The RE nurse squeezed some goo on my belly for the ultrasound image.  I was given an “atta girl” for my nicely full bladder.  The TV was switched from the  lab/microscope to the ultrasound monitor channel so we could watch the whole thing.  DrW came in with the embryo tube and gave them to DrL who got them into the transfer catheter.  He described what he was doing and said stuff like “see that little dot on the monitor that I am moving”  MrBeep said, “Yeah, I see it” and was watching intently.  I squeezed his hand.  I watched the TV and tried to see what DrL was describing, but flat on my back isn’t the best viewing angle and I couldn’t figure out a danged thing.  After a moment he said they all seemed to go in without a hitch and that we needed to stay still while DrW took the catheter back to the embryology lab to make sure that it was truly empty.

So I lay there, with all this pinchy stuff still up in mah bizzness, trying not to piddle on the floor at any moment.  After about a minute of awkward silence, I asked DrL about his profile on the clinic’s website.  It said that he is both a writer of non-fiction (over 125 scientific papers on infertility, this book) and fiction.  Now the RE books were expected, but fiction?  MrBeep said, “Really, you write fiction too?”  DrL grinned and thanked me for reading his profile and told us a little about the teen fiction he was currently writing.  The protagonist is a skateboarding girl, he wanted her to be a strong-willed and independent character, etc.  We all then relaxed and chatted about a few of our favorite fiction books.  What. A. Cool. Dude.

Finally DrW called out that no embies were left in the catheter and all seemed fine.  All equipment was removed from me (sweet Jebus I was sooooo done with that pinchy stuff).  We hung out in the procedure room for another 10 minutes or so, discussing books and military history and local museums.  MrBeep and DrL were standing next to me chatting (I thought they should totally go on a play date together) while I lay flat on the table.  Finally I was asked to scoot over to a rolling bed and taken back to my curtained patient recovery room.  I was told to remain laying still for another 30 minutes while I had my post-transfer acupuncture, which was similar to the first minus a few needles and locations.  After the half hour, I was assisted in sitting up and was allowed to FINALLY go to the bathroom.  “No pressure” said MrBeep “just relax and go with the flow.”  I did my best not to do the pee pee dance down the hall to the bathroom.  I returned to the room and changed into my normal clothes. 

The RE nurse stopped by and gave us a picture of the four embies now tucked away safe inside.  She went over my instructions and we were released to go home. As I was leaving, I saw DocO in the hallway and he let me give him a hug.  He told us that we had really great attitudes about this whole thing, which was so important for our mental well being.  Down the hallway, we saw DrL in his office.  MrBeep had a few  questions about the embryos in the picture.  I told MrBeep that he would have to come up with nicknames.  He pointed to one on the picture and said, “Look it has your smile” everyone laughed and wished us well.  I scheduled my blood test and yowzee the time flies.  The test will be this Sunday morning (6/14). 

Hey, it’s called SHOW and tell

So that’s my incredibly long-winded story.  It was very heavy on the TELL of show and tell, but thanks for making it through.  Here is the SHOW.

OK my little monsters.  Get your rock-paper-scissors battle going.  I want some of you to win a chance to stay with mommy.  Pretty please?  I’ll bake cookies.

Now go check out what the rest of the class is showing this week.  It is always great to find out what all of the other wonderful folks have been up to.
Thanks to Mel for changing the day and the opportunity to share!

Guess my number, win a prize

Did you guess yet?  Have you figured it out?  No cheating.  Give up?

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♥♥♥♥ 4 ♥♥♥♥

Yes!  We had a successful transfer of four embryos yesterday at the RE’s office.  Just as a reminder, after my LH surge problem, I had to take my HCG shot early.  Out of 18 follies, we got 10 eggs (I was bummed).  The good news on Day 1 was 6 were mature and all 6 fertilized using ICSI (Yay!).  On Day 3 we discussed with DrL whether to transfer 3 or 4.  Due to my age (40), our MF and the quality of the embryos, we decided to transfer all 4.  All were at least 8 cells.  One looked great, two and three looked good and 4 was looking a tad fragmented, but not out of the running.  We decided to give the li’l guy a chance and included him too.  The transfer went off without a hitch.  I will write in a future entry of the whole day to document the process and my perspective.

So what prize did you win?  First of all, my gratitude for stopping by.  It means so much to me.  Not enough? If you email me “ifoptimist-at-gmail-dot-com” I will grab my Nikon and take a photo from somewhere beautiful or something special.  Then I’ll email it to you for a desktop or screensaver picture (if you know the dimensions of your computer desktop I can customize it to fit perfectly).  I’ll include the GPS coordinates and a little information about the photo.  I thought this would be a good way to pass some of my time during the dreaded two week wait.  I love photography.

I’m so excited.  I know that I’m not out of the woods and the odds are still a bit against us but this is just another step in our journey to having a family.  I’m not Pollyanna.  I know the possible let downs, but I have decided to be upbeat and stay optimistic.  If things don’t work, there will be plenty of time and tears to spend on the necessary sorrow and grief. 

Today, I choose to celebrate.  The potential is there.  It’s ginormous.  I feel lucky to have gotten this far.  I see this whole thing as walking a path.  I take one step after another.  Sometimes I traverse a great distance in a day’s journey and other times I can only seem to walk a few feet.  Yesterday, I feel I walked 40 miles.

I got 6

I finally got the call from the RE’s office at like 3pm.  I didn’t get a damned thing done all day because I was preoccupied and worried. 

The nurse reminded me that 10 eggs were retrieved, that 6 were mature and ALL 6 FERTILIZED!  Woot!

I know that 6 isn’t incredible, but after finding out how many follicles had no eggs, I was terrified they would only find 2 mature and have none that fertilized or some other really difficult news along those lines.  The nurse gave me the rest of my instructions for the day and when to show up for day 3 transfer (Wednesday at 2:30 p.m.).  They would call me at 10:30 a.m. that same day and let me know if there were any problems or if things were looking like a day 5 transfer.  She also asked me if I wanted to do acupuncture before and after the transfer.  I really don’t know whether I should try the acupuncture.  Any opinions? 

I called MrBeep at work and gave him the good news 6 outta 6.  He was very happy and said, “See, you didn’t need to get so upset, it’s working along.  These are good numbers.”  I agreed, but told him the why I had some of my worries and he understood.  He did keep me down to earth and reminded me that it still may not work out, but that we continuing to work on our goal and that we’ll try again if necessary.  I love that MrBeep.

I wish our eggies (now embies) are cooking happily away a few miles from home.  We’ll be back to pick you up soon.  Oh, and JJ -  I wore my tangerine dream earrings, but didn’t get a picture.  I also wore my heart shaped locket my Gramma gave me on my wedding day.  It has a picture of her and Grampa.  He gave it to her when they were dating, over 60 years ago. I’ll wear them both again on Wednesday.

So I today I am very happy with the number 6.  As a tribute, I give you this little tidbit:

Retrieval aka “Fetch me some of dem eggs”

Forgive me but this post is a bit long.  I didn’t have the stomach after the egg retrieval to write what happened.  I needed an extra day to reflect and see where my heart was once I got the Day 1 update (which I will give in a separate post tonight as I am still waiting for the results call).

My retrieval was on 5/31.  It was my father-in-law’s birthday.  We had to call him up and put off our Bar-B-Que until next week. I did tell him to make an extra special wish if he had a candle to blow out.  He said, “I already did.”  Awwww shucks. 

By the time I went in for the retrieval I was feeling very full in the abdomen from the size of my huge ovaries. At last check I had 18 follicles over 10mm in size with 5 or 6 more that were smaller and tucked in for good measure.  I wasn’t in pain per se, but I was very uncomfortable.  It felt like when you have to pee to the point that your bladder aches.  Exactly like that, but on both sides rather than just in the middle.

MrBeep and I arrived at the clinic at 8:30 a.m. and were admitted to the back procedure room area.  A very nice nurse went over what was going to happen for the retrieval, answered all of our questions, and got me my warm blanket after I was gowned up.  MrBeep headed off to the “special room” to hit one out of the park.  Then Dr.C (the anesthesiologist) arrived, set up an IV in my hand (today I have no bruises or anything.  What a pro!)  He asked me about my previous response to anesthesia and I mentioned I’ve never had any problems or side effects in the past.  A nice lady in a face mask (the embryologist) came into my room to verify my name and birthdate.  She had really nice eyes and a great personality.  I felt very happy that she’d be taking care of my eggies.  MrBeep arrived back in my room and I gave him a big kiss for a job well done.  Finally, DocO came in to my room, grinning up a storm and ready to get things started.  He had a positive outlook despite my LH surge and said, “We’ll see what we can get in there.”  He wished me good luck and said he’d see me in the room. 

A few minutes later, I was in the procedure room and got a little nighty-night juice.  I don’t remember anything of the procedure at all.  I woke up back in my prep room, a little groggy but no different than if someone had woken me up in the middle of the night.  I was given some water and crackers, checked to make sure I felt fine and then the RE nurse instructed MrBeep on administering the Progesterone in Oil (PIO) shot.  It is an intramuscular shot in the buttocks.  It mostly just pinched a bit, but I was glad I couldn’t see it from my angle.  Then I was given the go ahead to get dressed.  DocO showed up a few minutes later, a lot less cheerful and said, “Well, we got 10 eggs.  We found that many of the follicles had no eggs in them.  This could have been due to the earlier surge, but we’re not sure.  We’ll call you tomorrow to let you know how many were mature and and how many fertilized.”

10.
Out of over 18 follicles.
Shit. Shit. Shit.

10 isn’t bad unless most are immature.  That is my big fear.  I’m so afraid they will call me on Monday and say that only 2 are mature or something that indicates I have some huge problem they couldn’t test or didn’t foresee.

I was really devastated. Did I ovulate a few of the eggs?  Was my dosage too high and I developed empty follicles?  My E2 level seemed plenty high.  What the fuck happened?  No one knows.  I was upset, I cried, but MrBeep got me calmed down.  He reminded me that we don’t know much just yet, that 10 isn’t a bad number and that it is likely that we’ll have to try IVF more than once.  I agreed.  I know all of this stuff, but I’m not a robot and I still have hopes and emotions and he isn’t the one who has a weeks worth of extra hormones raging through his system.  Arrrrggghhhhh. Feh.  I did slip a bit and started crying again, but my sweetie reminded me that those ten need all of the positive energy we can send their way.  We agreed to do a silly dance for them.  He had the perfect one picked out - “Cantaloop”. 

I did calm down.  I took many deep breaths.  I realized that I was very lucky compared to some.  So I pulled it together.  I made him take me out to breakfast and I had the best blueberry pancake I have ever eaten in my entire life.  We relaxed, we laughed.  By the time I got home again, I felt much better.  My ovaries were sore and I waddled around a bit, but I managed to make it through the rest of the day. I read, watched a movie and eventually made it through the night.

Tiny dancer in my hands

But oh how it feels so real
Lying here with no one near
Only you and you can hear me
When I say softly…slowly

Hold me closer tiny dancer
Count the headlights on the highway
Lay me down in sheets of linen
you had a busy day today

I’m so glad that Marie at MoreCheese received great news after her ER.  The embies are working their little hearts out, growing away in the lab.  I promised her on the Resolve boards that I would do a silly fertility dance at midnight for the last few days.  Maybe my dances have been a little too intense because my numbers are going crazy right now. This tiny dancer is in fate’s hands and honestly, I’m really getting scared. 

I have taken stims for only 7 days.  My estradiol numbers have gone up well. I have lots of follicles on each ovary progressing nicely day by day.  I was very satisfied with what was happening, it seemed predicted and normal.  It was estimated earlier in the week that I would trigger on Day 10 with ER on Day 12.  Today I went in and my ultrasound looked good.  I had one follicle at 18, most of the rest were a few at 17, 16, and 15 (plus a few smaller ones chugging along).  I was told if my blood work was normal, that I would probably trigger on Sunday (Day 9) or Monday (Day 10). By the way the term “trigger” refers to taking a hormone called HCG.  Taking a HCG shot will force your body to ovulate in about 36 hours.

I received my afternoon update/instruction call from the RE nurse.  She asked me if I had taken my antagonist (cetrotide) that morning.  I told her I had taken it today and yesterday on time, without fail.  Well, my LH was surging on my own and it was too high for them to put off the trigger for even one more day.  So even though my follicles were very close to perfect/classic numbers we are rushing things along due to my wonky chemistry.  My LH hit 15, my E2 is at 2251.  I was sooo close.  Drat. Argh. FFFFFFFFuck! 

I told my husband over the phone when I heard the news from the RE nurse.  I lost it a bit and started to cry.  He was so understanding and kind.  He cheered me up, reminded me that we have some good looking ones that are very close to being ready.  I know that I could have had much worse news, but I do have a boatload of hormones zipping around in my system.  You can call me Girly McWeepypants.

What’s the big deal?  Well this means that I may get fewer mature eggs because the follicles aren’t as far along in the stim cycle.  Do you have any information on the best size of follicles versus E2 levels?  I did read a summary of a scientific paper that showeed evidence of smaller follicles for women over 35 leading to improved pregnancy rates, but they were using a different protocol than mine.  I can only hope that eggies are growing like gangbusters now that the drugs are done.  It’s all in my hands.

Ballerina,
you must have seen her
dancing in the sand

And now she's in me,
always with me,
tiny dancer in my hand

Now this tiny dancer is off for a midnight silly song/fertility dance for Marie’s embies (and now my follies too).