They were in one, the children of Christ

Corona living. 

Is getting pretty old. 

I wish I could say that I loved living in uncertainty or that I loved the oppressive nature of stagnation. But I do not. I love movement. I love predictability. I love opportunity for growth, development and change. 

It sure seems like the world and our lives are in a stand still that is never going to let up.

I know that is not true. If there is one surety in life it is the truth that change is constant. Even in corona living I have had many changes take place- I had experience dating someone, we bought a golf cart, my kids go to hybrid school and I got a job to be a ski instructor this winter. There are things happening and changing all around me. 

But there is still this heaviness that overlays our lives. Everyone I talk with has felt it or currently feels it in some way, shape or form. There is a longing for times past and a yearning to hope for better days ahead. But the future is still so unclear. 

What will happen with the election? Is the vaccine going to set us free? Will our kids ever go back to regular school? Can we travel or go to concerts or sporting events again? Is Jesus coming soon? 

I wish we could know the answers to all of these questions. I wish we could know what is coming and WHEN things will get better. It would be so nice to have a crystal ball.

However, it seems like that is the test. The NOT KNOWING. The inability to see what is ahead and therefore the need to walk by faith. To trust. To do our best and then give the rest to the Lord and believe that He sees the end from the beginning. That because He knows we do not have to. 

There are many things that I am grateful for. That have helped me to feel comfort and peace even in the midst of so much that is unknown. 

I have access to scripture- to God's words for people here and now.

I was able to listen to and re-listen to the words of living prophets. People who hear what God wants us to know and do TODAY and communicate that information to us. 

I have access to priesthood power through my covenants. Those promises that I made with my Heavenly Father in the temple through ordinances that give me access to His power to bless my life and the lives of the people that I love. 

I have the support of family and friends. People who literally help to lift my burden by caring for me and our children and who are there to talk to and offer comfort and support. I am not alone and continually receive the care and love of the Lord through the good people in my life. 

And I have Jesus. I have a Savior and know and am known of Him. 

I just finished reading in 4 Nephi 1: 1-18 about what life was like for the people after Christ came to visit the Americas. It was such a wonderful time to read about. Just the description of that life- how the people of that generation lived peaceably and with no contention for 200 years is something I cannot even understand but which captures my imagination with its beautiful reality. What a time to be alive! 

I started thinking about Mormon, who compiled the record and who lived at a time completely opposite to what he was writing about in 4 Nephi. He lived in a day of war, bloodshed and total disregard for human life. His day was one in which people hated each other and had no place for faith or God or humanity. It must have been so awful.

Now, while our time is not yet like Mormon's, I feel in a new way for how he must have relished reading about this people who lived after the coming of Christ. Why his exclamations are so powerful- saying "How blessed were they!" and "There could not be a happier people among all the people who had been created by the hand of God." 

He must have loved to read about a time when people were so pure and good and lovely to each other that the Lord was able to bless them in all of their doings. When they had peace and did not contend with each other. When there were no bad things- no murders, no lyings, no plundering, no whoredoms, no strife. NONE. What would that be like?

As part of my study the manual asked this question- how did the people maintain divine peace for so long? And the reading gave one answer. In verse 17 it states "they were in one, the children of Christ and heirs to the kingdom of God."  

I think the relationship between these two things is critical. First, the people of this time understood their identity. Each person knew that he or she was a child of Christ. That they were His and born of Him through the covenant they made at baptism. They had taken His name upon them and were trying to live as He lived. And second, once each person knew his or her true identity as a child of Christ, they were able to be one. United in purpose to lift, serve, help and build up the people around them- whom they also saw as children of Christ and fellow heirs of the kingdom of God. 

And as I have pondered these thoughts this morning my feeling is that my offering at this time- the thing I can "do" when it feels like so much is out of my control is to solidify my faith in my own identity as a daughter of Christ. As one of His followers and disciples. And then to help the people around me. My children. My family members. The young women in my ward. My friends. To know and understand and feel the same thing- that they are daughters and sons of Christ. Born of Him through baptismal covenant and heirs of God's kingdom through His grace.

I think that is the great challenge of our day. The fight with Satan for the control of our identity. Who we view ourselves as and whose we think we are. It seems to all be coming down to that- the fight for our identity both individually and collectively as a people. And as long as I have breath I will fight to remain true to my real identity- a daughter of God and an heir to His kingdom through the merits, mercy and grace of Jesus Christ. 

I am grateful for the example of a people who knew who and whose they were. Who were true to that identity and who reaped the benefits both as families and collectively as a society for living as the children of Christ. I know this unity is possible for us today- even as the world is in strife around us. It is something we can do- to hone our own sense of identity as children of Christ and heirs to God's kingdom and then help others to make or be true to their covenant to do the same. And doing so may just make all the difference. 

The big 4-0

I had the best birthday ever! It was filled from sun up to sun down with so much love. So many kindnesses. So much goodness. My cup runneth over with gratitude for all of the wonderful people in my life. YOU are how I feel of God’s love to overflowing. 

The week leading up to my birthday was difficult. There were some very sad and heavy days. Where I felt {again} the pain of the reality of the total collapse of my life. As a young girl I could not have imagined turning 40 with a dead husband, childcare 24/7 due to a worldwide pandemic, dating ups and downs, no career, and no clear vision of the path before me. It felt pretty shattered and overwhelming and I cried myself to sleep for nights in a row. Sometimes it’s okay to have a "poor me" pity party when your life isn’t turning out like you’d hoped, expected or planned on. At 40 you can start to view your life as half over and without clear answers about the future it can feel pretty bleak. 

I have a wise friend who told me that the reality though is that only one-third of my adult life is over. I still have two-thirds left. And of the one-third that is over, if I am totally honest I can say that only one-third of it was really hard and heavy. The other two-thirds were wonderful and mostly very happy. And if I am really really honest, the one-third that was so difficult paved the path for me to come to know Jesus in a way that I would never trade for all of the happiness and fulfilled expectations in the world. I would not trade the knowledge of God that I have gained through suffering for anything this world has to offer. 

So back to the birthday. The lead up days were pretty blue so by the 24th I was kind of spent on sadness. It really does go against my naturally happy nature. I can only be sad for so long before I’m just over it. And so as I fell asleep as a 39 year old I honestly felt happy to close the door on a decade of my life that was harder than I could have ever imagined and to open up the door to a more hopeful, albeit unknown, future. 

I woke up on September 25 feeling grateful and at peace. And then the fun began. I went hiking with my two dear friends and had such a good conversation with them and left with a box of donuts- my favorite. I got home and found that my darling young women and leader friends had decorated my house. Chalked the driveway, balloons and crepe paper everywhere, heart attacked front door and a table full of presents and sweet cards. Such a fun surprise. 

Then I went in with my kids and opened the sweet gifts they bought me. And read their cards. Each of our darling kids wrote me a list of the 40 things they love about me. And they were so insightful and generous and kind, especially as they live with me and know me as I really am. I do have the coolest kids EVER and their love for me is such a source of strength and encouragement. 

Then I got ready for the day and went to meet up with friends for lunch while my mom came and helped the kids tidy up our yard. I love my friends and am so grateful that included in that circle is my sister (who coordinated most of the plans for the day) and sister in laws. I have the best family members who are also some of my dearest friends. It was great to just eat and visit with these wonderful women who I love. 

I came home and was able to attend to the text messages that were pouring in! I heard from more than 100 people that I love and appreciated those words of encouragement so so much. Then the kids and I decided to go bowling at BYU. I love playing with my kids and getting out to have fun and it was nice to just hang out together. 

We came back and our extended family had arrived with Thai takeout to eat for dinner. It was fun to visit with them and feel of their love. My mom was all over preparing the yard and food for my drive-by party and in her usual way worked tirelessly to serve and bless my life. My sister and sister-in-law were also so good to take assignments and bring things together to make it such a fun evening  I’m so grateful for them.  

With the new corona restrictions (no groups over 20) they decided to change my party to a drive-by experience which fortunately turned into a get out and visit fiesta. Things picked up after an hour and it was SO darn fun to see and talk to so many people that I love. Friends in my ward. Neighbors. Friends from growing up, college and married life. Extended family members. My dear friend and her cute daughter even drove up from Arizona for the weekend.  

There really is nothing more that I love than a good party- with lots of people mingling, music and food. And this was all of the above. The highlight was when, an hour into the fiesta the cougar mobile drove up the road with music blaring and Cosmo  (BYU's mascot) got out of the car to wish me a happy birthday. 

IT WAS AMAZING!!!! 

I then went to the patio to have people sing happy birthday and cut the cake. It was so fun to see dear friends and my brothers joining via Zoom to send their best wishes. We ate cake and the visiting continued for the next few hours. Again my family quietly cleaned up the festivities while I just spent hour after hour talking to people that I love.  That really is my most favorite thing in the whole world. 

I still have a pile of gifts to open, messages and emails to respond to and cards to open from so many people that I care about. Again I stand in awe at the goodness and outpouring of kindness that I received. It is overwhelmingly overpowering. 

And I think that is where I end today. In a week leading up to my birthday where I was facing all kinds of doubts about the meaning and purpose and future of my life, I left yesterday knowing that my life has great meaning and purpose because of the people who are in it. Each individual who has taught me something. Listened to my heart. Spent time with me. Encouraged my growth. Comforted my soul. Helped and loved and served me and my family. And who have let me do the same for them. 

I know that aging is a gift. There are many people who do not have the opportunity to get old. I loved one of them with my whole heart. And because I am alive, I choose to live life to its fullest with all of the complexity, struggle and heartache that it entails, because that is also the path to happiness, growth and development that is the whole sum and purpose of our existence. 

So welcome 40 and all the joy and pain that you will bring. I am grateful and blessed that I made it here. Let this new decade begin!!!

Dating

Let me preface this one by saying that during Jake's illness I read a blog written by Kara T*ppets called Mundane Fa*thfulness. It was such a help to me through those years as her cancer journey was a year ahead of Jake's and I could read about how she and her husband Jason were navigating their trial with so much faith in Christ. 

After Kara died there were a few posts from her husband. I remember one was about when he felt it was time to take off his wedding ring. Another was about dating. And then many months later there was news of his remarriage. 

I often wondered about the backstory and how he got there. I was in his shoes- the spouse left behind- and I was so curious to know what the process was like for him and how he was able to love someone again. 

And so while this is a pretty personal topic to write about I have always believed that if anything I write here can be of use to someone else who is on this journey then I want to share it so that it can bless them and give context as they navigate through their own experience. 

At the beginning of March I decided that it was time for me to go on a date.

"What???" you say. "At the beginning of a worldwide pandemic?!?!?"

"Why yes of course, what better time could there be???" I respond. 

Ha! This, as you know, has been a long time in coming. Jake passed away 4 years ago and I had no interest or even ability to think about dating for a very long time. People had kindly made offers of individuals they knew that I could go out with but my heart could not even take in the thought. In the first year the idea of dating made me literally feel sick inside and like I wanted to vomit. Later it just became scary as I heard about experiences friends were having and that I wanted to avoid. 

In 2018 I broke my left arm playing capture the flag and had to wear a hard cast for 6 weeks. Up until the break I was still wearing my wedding ring but took it off as my fingers started to swell and did not wear it when I had my cast. And once the cast came off I knew that my ring would not go on again. It was time. That was hard and I cried but it also helped me accept the reality- that Jake was dead and that I was not married anymore. 

Then more recently, especially through 2019, my mind and heart started to open up to the idea of companionship again. I recently reread my journal from 2019 and was shocked by how many entries make it clear that I was starting to think about the possibility of having someone new in my life.   I also had many experiences that slowly, line upon line, led me to realize that I was ready to open up my heart and that I was truly healing from my grief. 

And so at the beginning of March I knew it was time and I went on a date. And it was totally fine. All of the fears and horrors I had heard about or imagined did not happen. In fact it was really nice and I enjoyed it. And I have continued to go on dates since that time. While it hasn't made the most sense to start dating during Covid,  I also see that opening the door to another relationship has renewed my hope for the future and made the possible trajectory for the rest of my life seem much more interesting. 

There are several things that I did want to share that have been unexpected but useful for me to learn. 

First, opening the door to dating after it had been so hard shut was a big change for my kids. Huge. It has taken a lot of time for them to sit with it and it evoked feelings that we have needed to talk and cry and work through. My dating is a family experience as their lives are equally affected. I have been grateful that as we did after Jacob's death, we are working through the experience together. I am sure there are still hard times to come, but letting my children express and work through their own feelings about this has been a necessary step in the process.

Second, opening the door to dating has evoked a new type of grief I had not yet experienced. I have missed Jake for years and yearned for his presence, but dating other men has made me realize to a new level that I will never get him back in this lifetime. That even as I have relationships that provide companionship again they will be different from what I had in my marriage to Jake. And so there has been some grieving, again, for the loss of the life that we shared together and for the easy and comfortable way our relationship worked. I have also grieved just having my person who knew me completely and loved me in spite of myself. 

Third, opening the door to dating takes courage. Like a ton of it. And sometimes I have had to ask myself if I've got what it takes. You have to basically lay all of your vulnerable inadequacies out there and hope that you won't get trampled. I am finding that it does help to take a huge bucket of humor along for the ride and appreciate those who, in the dating pool, can also acknowledge that this is the last place any of us wanted to be but here we are so we had better start swimming. That or sit to the side. Or drown. You really don't have many options. 

Finally, opening the door to dating takes time. And the timing for each person is so individual. There was a season when I could not have gone out for the life of me. I was so dead inside and my world was shattered. But slowly healing has come and I have gone from feeling dead, to feeling alive, to wanting to live again and part of that process, for me, has been to open up to the idea of dating and remarriage. 

I know this looks different for everyone. Some people are hurting so much dating immediately seems like a nice way out of the pain. Some people cannot even fathom having a new relationship with someone other than their deceased spouse. And everything in between. There is also a fair amount of work that must be done after your family fundamentally changes. Kids need to be settled and reassured. The surviving spouse needs to find their new normal and work through the pain and associated grief.  And that work is a consecrated effort that takes time and energy and effort and sacrifice. For me, that work took nearly four years to get to where I knew I was in a place to be open to the possibility of a new relationship. The only thing I can say is that I think you know when you are ready because you know it. You just know. 

And so my friends, welcome to the middle aged LDS dating rodeo. Full of twists and turns and bumps and jolts, all of which will helpfully produce the necessary growth and experience in me to develop perseverance. Which, as James encourages, "Consider it pure joy, my [sisters], whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know the testing of your faith develops perseverance. Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything."

Brush strokes

Sometimes I especially feel and recognize my mortality. 

All the things I cannot do. All the things I have done wrong. All the ways that I fall short. 

My kids went back to school last week (they will go in person for two days and do online for the other 3 days) and in that process of preparing them and finishing up the summer I kind of bottomed out. 

This has happened at the end of every summer and you think I would have been able to anticipate it or figure it out by now. But alas, as a mortal I am resigned to repeat my mistakes and found myself again surprised that things had gotten out of balance and that I had distanced myself from the Lord.

That is an interesting idea. Feeling distant from the Lord. I am a person who prays and reads scriptures every day and goes to church each week and although I was doing that over the summer I still created distance between me and God because it was not always sincere. It became more rote and habitual rather than humble and intentional. And the distance was real.

I was talking to a friend this weekend who described it in such a beautiful way. She said that she has learned that she needs DAILY brushstrokes with the Holy Ghost. Where she puts herself in a place to feel the Spirit and to hear the things that the Lord wants to communicate to her. She described it like feeling a feather run across your arm- it is almost imperceptible it is so light but that the effort of seeking that connection every day is what, like a painting coming together one brush stroke at a time, produces a masterpiece in the end. A painting that is whole and complete and in which every brush stroke combines to make something beautiful. Her analogy is that we are the canvas and need those strokes with the Spirit to make of us what God intends that we become. But we have to choose to do the things that help us feel the Spirit and that help us feel close to Him. 

I looked up a post I wrote a few years ago about Peace. In it I state that my desire was to write those things down for my own reference for later on when, inevitably, I would fall off the cliff and need to remember how to get back up again. 

I was there last week and so needed to take my own advice. To feel peace again. 

So gratefully, as has also happened at the end of every summer I have been able to come to my senses. Through the help of loving friends and family members I could talk out my feelings and in that process realize that all I wanted- all I really needed- was to feel the peace that comes from God. The peace that passeth understanding. All of the anxiety and stress and fatigue and worry did not need to trouble me anymore if I could just feel of His peace.

And that has been the miracle. Beginning last Sunday through today I have been blessed with daily experiences where I have felt of God's love. Where I have reconnected with Him. Where through conversations or messages or scriptures or feelings peace has come as a great gift to my mind and heart. Overwhelming peace. 

I want Jesus the most. I need Him the most. I cannot survive without His assurance and help. And when I do the things that help me feel connected to Him, especially sincerely and with real intent, His mercy overflows and pours down upon me. As President Nelson stated, "When sore trials come upon us, it's time to deepen our faith in God, to work hard, and to serve others. Then He will heal our broken hearts. He will bestow upon us personal peace and comfort." I know that He does this because it has been my own experience over and over and over again. 

A friend shared this amazing song with me last week and I have listened to it probably 50 times already. It is so reassuring and encouraging and true for ALL of us. Come to the table really is His invitation. Take your place beside the Savior. Sit down and be set free. Come to the table. 

Answers in the Scriptures

Hi friends! Summer is almost over and I can't believe it. We have had such a good summer and I have been so grateful for everyone who has helped and shared with us to make it so. It will be good to get back into some sort of routine and schedule but these summer days sure have been relaxing. 

We have started meeting in small groups at church again and I was invited to give a talk this last Sunday. Since this blog is a repository for all of my church talks I figured I might as well post it. As usually happens when preparing a talk, I was the one who benefitted the most and was grateful to remember, again, how often the scriptures have been a resource for me to receive answers and strength from the Lord.

I am very grateful to be with you today. I have missed worshiping together with other saints and feeling the spirit that comes as we gather in the name of the Lord and therefore appreciate having this opportunity, even if it is different than normal, to share with you. 

These are interesting times. Last month I was talking to my grandma who is now almost 91 years old. She lived during WWII and told me that the effects of this pandemic and social isolation have been harder for her than living through a world war. These last months have not been easy for any of us and often we have been left wondering “What do we do?” “How do we move forward?” “What is the best path for me, for my family, for my community?” 

And it can sometimes feel like there are no answers. That our questions go unheeded and unheard. That we are left alone wandering through the wilderness. 

But it does not need to feel this way. We have a resource and a recourse that can give us clarity, that can provide direction, that can help us find purpose and guide each of us- as individuals and as families- in knowing what to do. 

This source can tell us all things that we should do. ALL THINGS! 

So what is it???  What is this amazing source of direction and help and knowledge??? 

It is the scriptures.

The word of God.

Nephi exhorted us to “feast upon the words of Christ; for behold, the words of Christ will tell you all things what ye should do.” 

We can know what to do in all things- ALL THINGS- from reading, using and feasting on the scriptures. 

But you may be thinking “come on, really? Really? The scriptures can tell me what to do about how to live during a pandemic? How to help my child who is struggling? What to do with a group of friends that is hard to get along with? How to handle my feelings of doubt and fear? What to do when I feel like the Holy Ghost speaks to everyone but me?” And on and on and on and on. 

Take a minute right now. Think about a question you have or a doubt you are facing or a troubling life situation you do not know how to handle. What is concerning you? 

I want to share three experiences with you where I received critical guidance and help from the scriptures at times where I did not know what to do and hope that these will illustrate how the words and stories of the scriptures really can give us direction in our own lives.

1- I served as a missionary in Venezuela and loved my experience there. Close to the end of my mission it was time to decide when I would come home. At that time (and maybe still today) because of the way an 18 month girl mission fell over the 6 week transfer schedule there was a time gap for sisters coming home. To keep with the transfer schedule you could either come home at an earlier date which meant you would technically serve 3 weeks shy of a full 18 months or you could come home at a later date which would mean you technically serve 3 additional weeks over an 18 month mission. I know that 3 weeks either way does not sound like much, but at the time it weighed heavily on my mind and heart. I loved my mission and didn’t want to “stop early” or feel like I was failing the Lord. The early date would also put me home in the middle of July, with no job and really nothing to do until college started at the end of August. I could realistically stay until the later date and still have two weeks to be home and prepare to start back up at BYU. I had mission friends who were deciding to stay and some who were leaving earlier and I was completely torn. I had prayed and prayed about it for weeks and even asked my zone leader for a blessing as I was having such a hard time deciding. And still nothing came and I did not know what to do. 

As a missionary you study the scriptures daily and it was part of my usual routine. So one day as this decision was still weighing on my mind I was reading the Book of Mormon, in Mosiah chapter 7. This is the story of Ammon (not the missionary) and 16 strong men who went up to the land of Lehi-Nephi to find out about the group of people who had left Zarahemla to inherit that land. As they arrived they were taken and bound by King Limhi, who, along with his people, was in bondage to the Nephites. However, once he discovered that Ammon and his brethren were Nephites from the land of Zarahemla he immediately loosed their bands. And in verse 16 it says “King Limhi commanded his guards that they should bring their brethren into the city, that thereby they might eat and drink and rest themselves from the labors of their journey; for they had suffered many things; they had suffered hunger, and thirst, and fatigue.” 

I remember such a powerful feeling entering my mind and heart as I read those words and I knew in an instant the answer to my concern- I could go home at the earlier date and have time to eat and drink and rest myself from the labors of my mission. I felt completely assured that the Lord knew my heart and had seen my efforts as a missionary and wanted me to choose to go home at the earlier date to have time to rest and recover from my labors. And so I had my answer. I let the office know and never questioned the decision again. I had total peace and assurance that came from reading the scriptures. Little did I know that in those extra weeks at home I would also have time to spend dating Jacob Robertson and eventually take steps towards marriage before we were both at different universities that fall. The Lord was aware though and provided for me in every particular. 

2- Now fast forward 14 years. Jake had been fighting brain cancer for over 2 years and during his last hospital procedure we received the news that the cancer had spread all over his brain and that there were no more treatment options to pursue. Jake was going to die. Even though I knew this day would eventually come, I was devastated and at a complete loss in knowing what to do. I had no experience with hospice care or death and was uncertain about what would happen and how we would get through it. I didn’t know how to help him and do the care that would be required as his body was failing.  A few weeks before this I had finished the Book of Mormon and decided to read the New Testament. 

So shortly after we came home with the bad news and were meeting with the hospice workers to make decisions about Jake’s care in his final weeks of life, I was reading in Matthew chapter 26. In verses 1 and 2 Jesus talks to his disciples and tells them that after the feast of passover he will be betrayed and he will be crucified. He knew that it was coming and that his death was near. And I felt assured that He also knew my dread of anticipating Jake’s forthcoming death. Then the answer of what to do to care for him as he was dying came in verses 6-13. These verses share about how Jesus was with his disciples in Bethany at the home of Simon the leper. And there came a woman with an alabaster box of precious ointment. She poured it on Jesus’ head and when the disciples saw it they were angry and said they could have instead sold it for money to give to the poor rather than have it wasted. But when Jesus heard them he said, “Why trouble ye the woman? For she hath wrought a good work upon me. For ye have the poor always with you; but me ye have not always. For in that she hath poured this ointment on my body, she did it for my burial. Verily I say unto you; wheresoever this gospel shall be preached in the whole world, there shall also this, that this woman hath done, be told for a memorial of her.”

I had a profound confirming witness reading the story of the woman that this was what the Lord wanted me to do as well- to love and care for my husband’s failing body and to consider it a privilege to minister to him for as long as he was still with me. That scripture totally changed my approach to Jake’s physical decline. Those months of caring for him as he was dying were some of the most sacred of my life as I was able to serve him in such a vulnerable time of need and see him through to the end of his days. The scriptures provided a guide to help me handle a situation that I felt totally unprepared to handle and made a very trying experience incredibly sacred and profound. 

3- Just a few weeks ago as I was reading the Come Follow Me assignment I had this thought- “I wonder what the Lord has for me to learn through Covid and these last months?” Then I opened to Alma 32 and read verse 12 which says “I say unto you, it is well that ye are cast out of your synagogues, that ye may be humble, and that ye may learn wisdom; for it is necessary that ye should learn wisdom; for it is because that ye are cast out that ye are despised of your brethren because of your exceeding poverty, that ye are brought to a lowliness of heart; for ye are necessarily brought to be humble.” The idea that leapt out to me was humility.

In that verse Alma glories that the people’s hardships had compelled them to be humble - that they may be wise - and learn wisdom and be brought to a lowliness of heart. They knew that they needed God. That they depended on Him for all that they had and were. 

And as I read this scripture I felt instantly that this was the lesson the Lord wanted me to learn during Covid. To remember how much I depend on Him for my support. For my protection. For a defense and a refuge from the storm. In the preceding months I think I slowly started to think that I could do it alone. That I could handle it. But after reading the scriptures I was gratefully reminded that the Savior really does want me to turn to Him and let him shoulder and carry my burdens. 

In talking to his son Heleman, Alma states three things that the scriptures can do in our lives. They can enlarge our spiritual memory, they can convince us of the error of our ways, and they can bring us to a knowledge of our God unto the salvation of our souls. 

This is the promise and the blessing of regularly reading the scriptures. We may not get answers every time we read or have a profound spiritual experience in every scripture study. But the act of consistently being in the word of God, at critical points in our lives when we need help in knowing what to do, will give us the answers to the questions we seek.

I know this is real. The scriptures have been a source of guidance to me for as long as I can remember. God has spoken to my mind and heart through the words ancient prophets and given me answers at times when, on my own, I did not know what to do.

He can and will do that for you. Read His word and let the reality of His love permeate your life and give you hope and strength beyond your own.

Death books

That is a foreboding title but I couldn't think of a better way to put it.

I wanted to share some of the death books that I have come to love in the last few years.

Maybe love is the wrong word. Can you really love a book about death?

But what I think I love is the ability these different authors had to capture the feelings and experiences associated with the process of dying and grieving those who have died.

Obviously, I haven't died so I can't completely relate to what they are saying.  And most of them haven't died either (or hadn't yet died, else how could they have written a book about it) but were close enough to death to capture and elucidate the experience.

My first recommendation would be to read these books or find others like them. Nothing can impact you as much as the words from the authors themselves.

I did not read any of these books when Jake was alive. I had heard of some, but tended to avoid any books on death as we were heavily involved in the process of life. But once he did die I found it necessary, important, critical even to read about people who had gone through the grieving experience before and had been left standing above ground as their loved one (or they themselves) were placed beneath.

When breath becomes Air by Paul Kalanithi

A grief observed by C. S. Lewis (my all time favorite, especially for the death of a spouse)

Being mortal by Atul Gawande

The fault in our stars by John Green

A man called Ove by Fredrik Backman

Option B by Sheryl Sandberg and Adam Grant

A grace disguised by Jerry Sittser

It's ok to laugh. Crying is cool too by Nora McInerny Purmort

The unwinding of the miracle by Julie Yip-Williams

I have also spent the last 10 months working on a research project with a BYU professor reading children's picture books on death. We have tried to find every picture book for kids related to death and categorize, code and filter through them in order to create a comprehensive list of books for caregivers to use to help children who have experienced the death of someone they love. It has been a rewarding experience and will hopefully prove to be very practical and useful to help people who care about children who are grieving. 

I have a friend who I just met in person on the day of her husband's funeral two weeks ago. He also died of brain cancer and she is now left with 2 small children to face the rest of her life without her beloved husband by her side. It is a cruel trick and as I stood there at the graveside memorial my heart broke into a thousand pieces for her. I know the road she is walking and it is lonely and so very hard. 

But as we have been talking in the last few weeks, as she is seeking help and comfort and solace the one thing I can assure her of is Jesus. That He has walked her lonely road, that He will stand by her side, that He knows how she feels even in the depth of her sorrow because he is "a man of sorrows and acquainted with grief." He Knows because He has been there. 

I found that for me, reading about the Savior in the scriptures- the Gospels, the book of Job, and the Book of Mormon as I was in deep mourning gave me a new understanding of His suffering, agonizing and soul crushing experience. It framed my suffering in the context of His. If Jesus, God's beloved, perfect and sinless son came to earth and experienced such unjust, unfair and undeserved experiences then who was I to question why I was left a widow at age 35? I am not greater than He nor do I deserve anything better than what He, God's beloved Son, experienced in mortality. 

This is hard doctrine. It is not what we love to teach each other and testify of over the pulpit. I recently read the missionary letter of a friend's son who shared a similar idea. Becoming like Christ, being sanctified can be a very painful process. But at the end of the day that is why we are here in mortality. To gain a body and to be tested to prove if we are willing to submit and choose God no matter what happens to us. No matter what. 

I am so grateful for Jesus. I know that He has carried me through years of heartache and grief and restored my heart and healed the cracks in my soul. I am not where I was when Jake died and as I feel such a renewed hope for the future of my life I attribute it to the healing power of the Savior. He has been there for me and for our children. He will be there for my friend. He is there for you. 

God is aware

Summer is rolling on. I can't believe it is the last day of June.

A few weeks ago the kids and I took our spring break trip to Arizona, on a 3 month delay. It was fun to see a few friends, although we weren't able to see everyone like we would have done due to the corona restrictions. It was amazing to have a change of scenery and get out of town and to be with people that I love so much. I didn't realize how much we all needed it. It was also great to just spend time with the kids in vacation mode- rather than in homeschool or mom-keeping-people-motivated mode. To just play with them and talk to them and be on vacation together. We even saw the Grand Canyon (smoky due to a big fire) on the drive home. It was a great reset for all of us.

Upon coming home though I have realized how my needs for connection have not been fully met lately and how I feel the deficit. I am a people person and I need many inputs of interactions with different people throughout the day. So after months of quarantine and social distancing I can see how my mind and heart have felt the loss. I know there are still limitations that we are living under with corona but this week it has been nice to think of ways to really connect with more people in my daily life as well as reach out to people that I have missed interacting with. It has started to restore my spirit.

I also had the double whammy of spraining my ankle at the beginning of summer which just made life harder. It was hard to take care of my kids and do my regular chores and then I was also limited from exercise which is such a therapeutic release from me. I also didn't realize how not being able to run over a six week period was a pull on my mental and emotional energy and left me feeling depleted.

So this is the scene for the last few days- the realization of my need to be physically active and to have more inputs of social interaction with a greater variety of people. I was feeling so heavy and worn down by it all and didn't really even know how to come out of it. In talking with friends and family members I can see that this is sort of the condition many people feel right now- just worn down by the restrictions on freedom and the lack of certainty for the future. It is heavy and not going away any time soon.

I continued to just do what I knew to do. Read my scriptures. Pray. Serve others. Try and keep on keeping on. But things still felt heavy and hard. Until this morning. Last night as I prayed I pleaded again for Heavenly Father to help me know that He was aware of me and to alleviate some of the burden. Then this morning as I ate breakfast the Friend magazine was on the counter so I opened it up and read. I turned to a simple story of a little girl who had had a bad day and was telling her Dad about her frustrations. He sang her a song and reminded her that music can be a lift to our souls on a bad day. She went and played a song on the piano and felt her heart renewed.

This little message was a direct answer for me.

I got dressed to hike and went up the Y trail in weather that is unusually wet and cold for the season. I hadn't hiked it for over a month. I turned on some of my favorite uplifting music (The Lamb of God by Rob Gardner) and just started to climb. As I listened to this music about the Savior and took one step at a time higher and higher into the clouds my whole spirit was revived. Just like the rain that is nourishing the earth I could feel that music nourishing and refreshing my spirit as I again was pointed to Jesus and felt His peace enter into every corner of my heart through the Holy Ghost.  I could see the sweeping vista of our valley and was reminded that Heavenly Father really does see the whole picture. He stands at the top of the mountain and has the whole view and because He can see it all I can trust in Him. I can trust Him.

I know this might not mean much but it meant everything to me today. God is aware of us during this time of trial and testing and in our unique circumstances. He does see and know what we are going through. He will send help and bring us peace because He did that for me today. He can and will do that for you.

I am so grateful for a loving Heavenly Father who sent Jesus to the earth. To make up for all that is unfair and hard and difficult about mortality. To set things right- eternally as well as in the here and now. I love the Savior. I need Him the most and am grateful for the tangible, immediate and soul filling peace He imparted to me today.

Being Present

Time feels so strange now. Like the days are slow but somehow weeks fly by.

We had a good May. The kids finished up all of the requirements for school and have {hopefully} advanced into the next grades. The girls were amazing and so so responsible. They each seemed to know what they needed to do and stuck to it to get it done and I was so grateful to have kids who would take their at home school experience seriously.  I was a very sub-par home school teacher and have more appreciation than ever for their real full time school teachers. They do a wonderfully important job in helping my kids learn and I realize more than before all of the efforts teachers make in behalf of their students. I feel super grateful for the teachers who my kids had this school year and appreciate all they did to help them through the unusual end of the school year. The kids were also so nice to me for Mother's Day. Amazing breakfast in bed, the sweetest notes, hugs and dishes done all day, and they all got together to buy me a pair of checkered Vans. I'm pretty lucky to have such wonderful children.

 

On May 16 I took the GRE at home. I am hoping to apply to a PhD program at BYU in January and as part of the entrance requirements I needed to take the GRE again. I took it in 2003, shortly after my mission to allow me to apply for the MPA program at the University of Utah. I remember that I didn't study for it- I just signed up, walked it and took it. I must have done well enough because I got into the MPA program and never thought about it again. Unfortunately, GRE results only last for 5 years and as more than that number of years has gone by I realized that I would need to take it again. This time around I had a terrible realization- I would not be walking in to take it because somehow in the intervening 16 years I have forgotten math. I took a GRE prep course last summer and then through the months of March, April and May had the great blessing to be part of a study group with a dear friend and my amazing ministering sister who is a math expert. We zoomed almost every day at 1:00 and she helped us both so much to come somewhat up to speed with math. I did well enough on the test that I don't need to take it again and feel grateful to have crossed that hurdle in my application process.

Unfortunately, the day before my test I had the great idea to take our kids to a recently reopened trampoline park to play with them and thank them for being supportive of my study hours. Sadly, like a total klutz I had a fall and ended up with a sprained ankle and bruised bones. I was using crutches and a knee cart for a few weeks and now have a walking cast and sometimes walk on my own. I will get better but it was kind of an unexpected slow start to the summer and fun.

So far the month of June is going great. My brother and sister-in-law came to visit from CA for two weeks and we loved having them here. It was a nice change of pace to have new people to see and do things with and we sure had a lot of fun. They are such a fun aunt and uncle and my kids were grateful to get to spend lots of time with them. My brother took my girls to play golf, throw the baseball, buy prizes at the store and generally just have a fun time and I am grateful for his continued kindness to them. It was fun to be with my parents and my sister and her family and do outdoor activities together. That helped it feel more like normal summer.

This is such an interesting time to be living. I feel like I've had to somewhat revert to the way I learned to live during Jake's illness- one day at a time. Not worrying about what is coming and not being too preoccupied with wishing for how things once were. Rather just living in the moment and focusing on the opportunities or challenges of that day.

There is something both hard and yet freeing about living this way. It is hard because it is fun to make plans and dream about the future as well as think on and remember the good times in the past. It is hard because it requires a lot of patience and trust to stay in the present moment and not let your mind dwell in either the future that you cannot know or the past that you cannot change. It is hard because it is Godlike to live in the present moment and most of the things that help us become like our Father require great effort but simultaneously offer great and lasting rewards.

I love this excerpt from CS Lewis on the Godlike need to live in the present moment. It is from The Screwtape Letters, where Screwtape is an employee of the bad guy (and their enemy is God) and explains how the adversary works to separate our thinking about time from God's way of seeing time. It has helped me frame my own thinking about this current crisis and remember again the Lord's invitation to live in the present and be happy now, with life as it is, rather than perpetually waiting for happiness to come as things change in the future. That really is the way to live with gratitude and peace and joy. To live in the now. To be present.

"The humans live in time but our Enemy destines them to eternity. He therefore, I believe, wants them to attend chiefly to two things, to eternity itself, and to that point of time which they call the Present. For the Present is the point at which time touches eternity. Of the present moment, and of it only, humans have an experience analogous to the experience which our Enemy has of reality as a whole; in it alone freedom and actuality are offered them. He would therefore have them continually concerned either with eternity (which means being concerned with Him) or with the Present — either meditating on their eternal union with, or separation from, Himself, or else obeying the present voice of conscience, bearing the present cross, receiving the present grace, giving thanks for the present pleasure.

Our business is to get them away from the eternal, and from the Present. With this in view, we sometimes tempt a human (say a widow or a scholar) to live in the Past. But this is of limited value, for they have some real knowledge of the past and it has a determinate nature and, to that extent, resembles eternity. It is far better to make them live in the Future. Biological necessity makes all their passions point in that direction already, so that thought about the Future inflames hope and fear. Also, it is unknown to them, so that in making them think about it we make them think of unrealities. In a word, the Future is, of all things, the thing least like eternity. It is the most completely temporal part of time — for the Past is frozen and no longer flows, and the Present is all lit up with eternal rays. Hence the encouragement we have given to all those schemes of thought such as Creative Evolution, Scientific Humanism, or Communism, which fix men’s affections on the Future, on the very core of temporality. Hence nearly all vices are rooted in the future. Gratitude looks to the past and love to the present; fear, avarice, lust, and ambition look ahead. 

To be sure, the Enemy wants men to think of the Future too — just so much as is necessary for now planning the acts of justice or charity which will probably be their duty tomorrow. The duty of planning the morrow’s word is today’s duty; though its material is borrowed from the future, the duty, like all duties, is in the Present. This is now straw splitting. He does not want men to give the Future their hearts, to place their treasure in it. We do. His ideal is a man who, having worked all day for the good of posterity (if that is his vocation), washes his mind of the whole subject, commits the issue to Heaven, and returns at once to the patience or gratitude demanded by the moment that is passing over him. But we want a man hag-ridden by the Future — haunted by visions of an imminent heaven or hell upon earth — ready to break the Enemy’s commands in the present if by so doing we make him think he can attain the one or avert the other — dependent for his faith on the success or failure of schemes whose end he will not live to see. We want a whole race perpetually in pursuit of the rainbow’s end, never honest, nor kind, nor happy now, but always using as mere fuel wherewith to heap the altar of the future every real gift which is offered them in the Present."

I really believe that our Father in Heaven wants us to be happy NOW. That he wants us to have the patience or gratitude we need for each moment of our lives as they occur to us. As we are in it. I am grateful for the opportunities I have had in my life to learn to live in the present. That I continue to have. I do not always like them, it hasn't always been easy, but if I am honest I can say that the times when I have lived in the present have been some of the happiest of my life and I feel grateful that the opportunity to live in the now continues to be offered to me and to all of us.

Retaining a Remission

These last six weeks have opened up an opportunity for me and my kids to spend more time with the Come Follow Me church curriculum than in the previous year.

As our lives have calmed down substantially we've had more time for daily family study and I have been so grateful to see how even our small efforts have invited the spirit into our home, increased our understanding of truth, and strengthened our hearts. There really is life giving force in the study of the scriptures that comes from Jesus.

This last week I loved reading the sermon of King Benjamin in Mosiah chapters 4-6 and having time to record the ideas that came to my mind and heart. It was also a poignant week for us as we passed the 4th anniversary of Jacob's death. 4 years.

April is Jacob's month and there are hours and days that bring memories that are both sweet and sorrowful. It is so much better, time and life and Jesus have provided much healing but some of the scars on my heart will probably be there for as long as I live.

And that may be the beauty of the experience. Jesus chose to retain his scars in memory of what He suffered to bring about new life for each one of us. And as I seek for new life and purpose my own scars keep me close to the Savior and remind me of all that He experienced willingly and in agony to provide relief for my suffering. To ease and comfort my pain. To help me become like Him.

That is what I loved while reading Mosiah chapter 4 this week. The doctrinal discussion is powerful and important but one idea stood out among the others. In the chapter, the people of Mosiah fall to the earth and recognize their worthless and carnal state before God. Then they cry out for mercy and forgiveness and purification through Jesus Christ. The spirit comes to fill them with joy and peace of conscience and remission of sins. Then they are invited to live the principles of the gospel of Christ- to believe in Him, to repent, to call on His name daily, to live peaceably with others, to care for their children and and teach them God's laws.

This seems to be the life of a Christian- to believe in Christ, follow Him and teach our families about Him.

But then the invitation goes one step further- we are invited to succor those that stand in need of our succor. Mosiah reminds his people that "If God, who has created you, on whom you are dependent for your lives and for all that ye have and are, doth grant unto you whatsoever ye ask that is right... O then, how ye ought to impart of the substance that ye have one to another."

I don't believe this means just temporal substance. I think it means all of it- words, help, kindness, sympathy, time, basically anything and everything we have or possess that could provide help or relief to someone else should be employed.

Mosiah goes on in verse 26 to share that "for the sake of retaining a remission of your sins from day to day, that ye may walk guiltless before God- I would that ye should impart of your substance to the poor, every man according to that which he hath, such as feeding the hungry, clothing the naked, visiting the sick and administering to their relief, both spiritually and temporally, according to their wants."

This was the truth that stood out clearly to me this week- that to keep us clean, to keep us with Him, God uses us to care for the people around us. From day to day. And the very act of our reaching out to help someone who is hurting, to spend time with someone who is in need, to administer relief in any way to another person in turn helps us. It cleanses us. It helps us retain a remission of our own sins and walk guiltless before God.

I am amazed at the economy of heaven.

As Elder Neal A. Maxwell once stated "In the economy of Heaven, God does not send thunder if a still, small voice is enough, of a prophet if a priest can do the job."

And the same is true for us. God does not need to send an angel when he can send a friend. He doesn't need to answer with lightening and thunder if a text, appropriately timed and sincerely expressed, can lift the heart of one who is hurting. And He does not need to personally visit us as we ache, when we can visit and encourage and help each other.

I can speak to this fact as the recipient of countless acts of kindness, love and sincere administration of relief. I was so encouraged this very week. Through messages people sent me, hugs I received, visits, help, packages, flowers, and prayers. I was sustained, again, by the loving kindness of people choosing to act and administer relief to me. I can't even type this without tears running down my cheeks. I am in awe at the goodness of God, His mercy and loving kindness that is so very evident in my own life. I am so so grateful to Him and to each of you. 

I know that God's love is over all of His children. He cares deeply and intimately for each one of us. He is there sending help and administering relief. I want to be someone that God can always count on to act for Him and to impart of my substance to provide relief, as others have acted for Him in my behalf. This is the way to retain a remission of our sins. It is the way to live a happy life. It is the way to Jesus.

And then the help comes

I am so grateful for general conference weekend. It was as though all that was heavy and worrisome and difficult was made light in the last two days and I feel such a deep sense of renewal and peace to move forward.

That is often how God works with me- things get hard and I feel stretched and there are moments (hours or days or weeks even) where I just have to hang on and keep believing, but then if I can just hold out, if I can just keep going, God's help always comes. 

Every. Single. Time. 

And it came in such a big way this weekend. 

I don't remember a conference where I have been so spiritually filled and fed and encouraged and am beyond grateful for a prophet to guide us in these latter days. 

I know that President Russel M. Nelson is God's mouthpiece on earth today and guides and directs His work of salvation through continuing revelation.

The talks were so incredibly Christ-centered and I left with such a personal reassurance of the Savior's ability to help, encourage, heal, carry and succor me. 

And I know that His help is available to everyone.  

To me and to you. 

Jesus Christ is real and can and will and wants to help you in your life. He is accessible. Through prayer, through the scriptures, through learning about Him, through the thoughts and feelings of the  Holy Ghost. 

I especially appreciated Elder Dale G. Renlund's words about the Savior and know that they are true. 

He stated, "As you act on those words [Hear Him] and listen to Him, remember, joyfully and reverently, that the Savior loves to restore what you cannot restore; He loves to heal wounds you cannot heal; He loves to fix what has been irreparably broken; He compensates for any unfairness inflicted on you; and He loves to permanently mend even shattered hearts." 

I love Jesus with all of my heart and am forever grateful for the life and the hope that He offers to the world.

Ok, this is hard

I relent and will say it out loud, this is hard.

I think we did tolerably well for the first week and even better for the second. But as the new wave of restrictions has come out and the extrovert inside me is feeling the pinch of really not seeing or interacting with people that I love for the continued foreseeable future I will say it.  I'm not a fan.

I do think that there are good things coming from this.

I know that we don't actually have it that bad.

I know that it could be much worse.

And I can see all kinds of opportunities opening up to realign priorities and focus on what really matters.

But the unknown is difficult for me and my planning/forward thinking nature.

And I'm also slowly dying from not seeing people. I love people!!! I need people!!! It is amazing what a few weeks of not being able to gather with people can do to a person. I hope to never take lightly the ability to gather in groups again.

Again, I feel like I have done this in some form before and so I know that I can do it again. But then in other moments I'm just ready to throw in the towel.

This weekend I kind of lost my motivation. I didn't really feel like doing anything. Kindly my oldest pointed out that even when I say "I'm not going to do anything" I actually still do about 5 things which counts as something.

But I was so grateful for my kids. They pitched in, they brought me breakfast in bed, they cleaned the kitchen, they gave me hugs and told me they loved me. It doesn't get better than that.

I loved this article explaining that the discomfort that we are feeling is grief.

Yes, sounds about right.

And is nice to know that we can be gracious and patient with ourselves and with each other.

And I was also grateful for the opportunity to fast and pray for relief from the effects of the pandemic on Sunday. It was clarifying for my spirit and nice to feel like there was something {small} that I could do.

I wrote our young women (my lovely young friends!) a letter and had my kids help tape it to every door and think that this is the prevailing comforting thought that I've had all week from the Words of Mormon verse 7:

"And now, I do not know all things; but the Lord knoweth all things which are to come."

I believe that with my whole heart.

The Lord knows. We do not know that is to come- we can't know- but God does. Our Father in Heaven has seen this, every detail and how it will play out and so our only job is to trust in Him.

Tonight the kids and I hiked near our home and as they sat looking out at the view and as I sat watching them I felt so much reassurance and a renewed sense of hope.

I can do this. We can do this. It will really be ok.

Just be still and know that He is God. 

Creativity

I have been so interested to see how many people around us are choosing to cope with all of this change creatively.

Rather than being bogged down by the seriousness and unpredictability of it all, I have seen so many people think of creative, interesting and fun ways to adapt to these restrictions.

Along with the hundreds of hilariously creative memes out there, these manifestations of creativity are fantastic and another testament to me of our shared human ability to be resilient and adaptable in the face of change.

A- We had a young women's leader leave Lauren this incredibly funny note outside under a rock:



B- My brother-in-law made a homespun printing press:

C- The trainer at the Provo Rec class I go to started posting online workouts to do at home, and without hand weights on hand I resorted to syrup.

D- Lauren got busy with her newly acquired collage skills and made this "Tribute to Coronavirus" collage complete with a TP flower vase.

E- Even though Ellie can't meet with her team to practice they all started doing the "toilet paper" challenge to see how many times they could juggle a roll of TP. It has been a fun way for them to stay connected to each other. 

F- My mom decided to read books to her grandkids via Marco Polo and has recorded stories there that the littles can listen to throughout the day.

G- My brother arranged a virtual game night (though I chose to watch a movie with my kid instead) with my family and they had a fun time playing virtually.

These are just some of the things I have witnessed in the last 7 days that have put a smile on my face and made me wonder again at the capacity of human ingenuity.

One of my favorite conference talks is called "Happiness Your Heritage," given by Elder Uchtdorf in 2008. I'll quote some of it below but encourage you to read it as you ponder the time and opportunities you have to be creative during the coming week.

We can do this!

God is with us and is our creator and will continue to guide us along the way.

"I would like to speak about two principles that may help you find a path to peace, hope, and joy—even during times of trial and distress. I want to speak about God’s happiness and how each one of us can taste of it in spite of the burdens that beset us.

The desire to create is one of the deepest yearnings of the human soul. No matter our talents, education, backgrounds, or abilities, we each have an inherent wish to create something that did not exist before.

You may think you don’t have talents, but that is a false assumption, for we all have talents and gifts, every one of us. The bounds of creativity extend far beyond the limits of a canvas or a sheet of paper and do not require a brush, a pen, or the keys of a piano. Creation means bringing into existence something that did not exist before—colorful gardens, harmonious homes, family memories, flowing laughter.

Everyone can create. You don’t need money, position, or influence in order to create something of substance or beauty. Creation brings deep satisfaction and fulfillment. We develop ourselves and others when we take unorganized matter into our hands and mold it into something of beauty—and I am not talking about the process of cleaning the rooms of your teenage children.

Nearly a century and a half ago, President Brigham Young spoke to the Saints of his day. “There is a great work for the Saints to do,” he said. “Progress, and improve upon and make beautiful everything around you. Cultivate the earth, and cultivate your minds. Build cities, adorn your habitations, make gardens, orchards, and vineyards, and render the earth so pleasant that when you look upon your labors you may do so with pleasure, and that angels may delight to come and visit your beautiful locations. In the mean time continually seek to adorn your minds with all the graces of the Spirit of Christ.”⁶

The more you trust and rely upon the Spirit, the greater your capacity to create. That is your opportunity in this life and your destiny in the life to come. Sisters, trust and rely on the Spirit. As you take the normal opportunities of your daily life and create something of beauty and helpfulness, you improve not only the world around you but also the world within you."