Sacred winds.

Long time, no blog. I am really terrible at writing anything current in my life on here, mostly just thoughts I have. But this post and my current life go hand-in-hand, so maybe they'll be a combination life update and spiritual pondering of sorts.

At the end of 2010, I wrote a devotional for my previous job recounting the year and the growth and being very grateful for the chance that year gave me to grow and become. It was a challenging year, but it was happy and I was happy with who I was and where I was.

Enter 2011.

I re-read that devotional a couple weeks ago, and thought, "wow, Kate. You shouldn't have been too hasty in calling 2010 a challenge." It was truly my gentle calm before a great storm.

In hindsight, I realize that in 2010 I let myself go spiritually because I was so comfortable. My job was easy and they thought the world of me, I was living in the same place for over a year (a record for me considering my frequent moving habits), and I just let myself get a little lax in it all.

At the beginning of 2011, I met a guy. He was a good guy, I fell in love with him and I felt it was that time in my life to take the step of marriage. We had a whirlwind romance, something I thought would be wonderful and fun... but it mostly left me with anxiety and unease. After getting engaged, making plans to spend our lives together, and planning a wedding (which would have been beautiful btw), things fell apart. I realized that I had turned a blind eye to some very blaring issues in our relationship and before much could happen, the relationship fell to pieces, we broke off the engagement, and I moved to Provo, Utah, probably the last place on earth I wanted to live. Although I felt that it was the right thing to do, the ensuing months of trying to fill a giant void left by broken plans left me feeling hollow and abandoned. The tender mercies at that time were my family (especially my mother), young, easy-going roommates, a job that kept me growing & learning, a temple nearby, skydiving and a bicycle and swimming pool to keep the endorphins up.

Enter the title of this post. I am reading the book, "Hard Times and Holy Places" by Kris Belcher. At one point, she talks about the people of the Brother of Jared, and how when starting their journey toward the Promised Land, they "commenced themselves unto the Lord". Then, not long after enclosing themselves in ships that were "tight like unto a dish", the winds began that tossed them to and fro, both above the water and below. I can't imagine how I would feel in that moment. Probably something like, "okay, Heavenly Father, here I am trusting you, and you choose to send me across the ocean in such an unpleasant way? Don't you love me at all?"

That last question, as silly as it may sound, was one of the questions I asked myself often this summer. Don't you love me at all Father? Did you forget about me? I struggled so often to remember everything I had known as I looked around and saw circumstances that were anything but ideal.

Then along came one of the greatest tender mercies of my life. The Lord put a man in my life in August who, for the first time ever, took a relationship rather slow. I put the brakes on several times because of my still-healing heart, but he stuck around. Things progressed, and I started to fall for him. He helped me so much in restoring my faith in myself and in what I truly want most. He was comfortable and goofy, and I could talk with him for hours. Where is he now, you ask? We are no longer dating because I felt the guidance of the Lord that it was not the direction I was to take, which is something my broken engagement taught me to follow. Walking away from him was and still is one of the hardest things of my life, but I have learned to trust my Father as He guides, and accept the howling, sacred winds of personal guidance and growth.

Next week, my very best friend in this world is getting married. I am so, so happy for her. These past weeks have been showers and parties, and designs and plans. Yes, the timing on all of this is painful, but it is causing me to learn to put aside what I am going through, and just be so happy that she has found her sweetheart.

Was 2010 hard? It was certainly challenging. How about 2011? I don't even know how to describe the depths of all I have felt. For the first time in my life, I had to deal with constant anxiety, abandonment and deep disappointment. Yet, I don't feel any resentment, any feelings of "why me?" anymore. (I am sometimes in awe that those feelings went away.) As I reflect upon all that has happened, I feel a profound sense of gratitude. This year of constant winds has done something to me. It has taken out so much of my half-hearted comfort zone and has once again "brought me to myself". (That is the line that I love most from the parable of the Prodigal Son.)

Sometimes you have to break to be able to feel whole again. As I look back (and re-experience a lot of the pain by writing this), I am in awe that I feel nothing of resentment or anger. I almost wish to sing praises unto a merciful Father in Heaven for sending the storms, for "loving me enough to cut me down." (This is from a story told in Elder Christofferson's talk last April - seriously read this talk.)

This is a long blog post, and if you've read this far, you deserve some sort of a prize. Life is so funny, isn't it? So unexpected, but it's the unexpected that makes it beautiful. How grateful I am for the lessons learned and wisdom taught in my Great Storm of 2011. I really hope this next year is a little kinder, but I am willing to accept whatever comes. I am once again reminded of our purpose on earth and the privilege of growing and becoming. I thank my Father in Heaven for such glorious knowledge and blessings.

In love.

I am in love. This is my love. Jane Austen. Pride & Prejudice. Mr. Darcy. The wit and charm of the Bennett sisters. The time period, the sociality, the clothing. I love it all. I think it's because it's one of the purest, cleanest, most satisfying love stories ever. (I may or may not be watching it in the background as I type.)

The other day, we were discussing which era we would live in if we could choose, and I said the time of Pride & Prejudice (a.k.a. the British Regency period). We began discussing the good and bad of the time period, and I couldn't see much of the bad. I just love it so much.

Then today, something struck me as I sat in church. Elizabeth Bennett's life was not perfect, nor was that time period perfect. I tend to think that I'll be happy there, or then, or when. But I realize that it's a matter of just being happy where you are with who you are. 

That is my goal. I struggle to just be happy and love who I am and I know it has injured (or ended) relationships. I am currently working hard to reach that point that I can have a healthy relationship, but it's a work in progress. I'll let you know how it goes.

Small miracles.

Today, on my bike ride home, I turned a corner, only to realize that I was not alone. Flying alongside me was a beautiful blue dragonfly. It caught me by surprise because it flew with me for a few seconds (that must be like ages in bug time) and the moment struck me in a very interesting way. I felt instantly that it was a little moment given me to remind me to slow down, see the beauty, and realize that I am not alone. 

As the moment sunk in, I looked up to see the beautiful Wasatch Mountains rising above me and sun and greenery all around and instantly a wave of gratitude overwhelmed me. We have a glorious world, given to us by a loving Father. Our lives often become so busy and burdensome that we forget to slow down, you know, a "stop and smell the roses" and all of that. It is interesting how such a small and simple thing could bring me such joy. I am grateful for that small moment, that small tender mercy. Oh, how I love the beauty of this world!

Loveliness

"The most beautiful people we have known are those who have known defeat, known suffering, known struggle, known loss, and have found their way out of the depths. These persons have an appreciation, a sensitivity, and an understanding of life that fills them with compassion, gentleness, and a deep loving concern. Beautiful people do not just happen." -Elisabeth Kubler-Ross 

Aren't some people just lovely? This woman is. I bet Elisabeth Kubler-Ross (the author of the quote) was/is lovely. The person who quoted this on one of the many blogs I stalk is lovely. My mother and sisters (including in-laws), grandmothers, aunts and cousins are lovely. I also have a myriad of friends, both those I've known long- and short-term who I would instantly place in the lovely category. Ruth is lovely, and Mary, and Abish, and Nephi's wife, and Marjorie Pay Hinckley are all lovely to me. I also think that loveliness can be found in any person if it's willing to be found.

All of that being said, here is my little confession:

There are many, many days in my life where I would call myself anything but lovely. I see the flaws, the weaknesses, the disappointments, and I convince myself that those words cannot be associated with loveliness and therefore I fall short. 

Then I remember. 

I remember who I am and Whose I am. I remember that this is mortality and I came here to work through these imperfections. I remember that there is One who creates loveliness in my soul because He has borne the weight of my flaws, my weaknesses and my disappointments. I am deeply grateful for this blessing and source of strength. I do my best to remember, but there are many other less worthy things that occupy my mind. I constantly seek for ways to remember. 

So, if you're reading this and you've ever felt the same, please know you're not alone. Life is busy, worries abound. But in all of it, please don't ever forget how very lovely you are.

Hold on thy way: my tribute to Joseph Smith.

Yes, I know it is late. But the funny thing is, and this may come as a surprise, I can't sleep. Before this week, I could count on one hand the number of times I haven't been able to sleep. For the past few days, I am lucky if I am asleep by one thirty or two in the a.m. Lame.

One of the positives of this insomnia, though, is that it gives me, in those quiet, late hours, the chance to be led to scriptures and conference talks and other words of comfort.

Tonight around midnight, I realized that I missed my chance to share something about the Prophet Joseph Smith as part of the social media initiative to honor his birthday. As I pondered upon it all and what Joseph the Prophet means personally and words of his life that were especially pertinent to me, phrases of tumult from his dark time in Liberty Jail (D&C 122) came pouring into my mind: "If the heavens gather blackness", "if fierce winds become thine enemy," or "if the very jaws of hell shall gape open the mouth wide after thee." As I thought about those things, I cannot say I know those trials per se, but I can honestly say as of late that I've felt some moments of gathering blackness and winds of opposition in my life.

Then I got thinking about Joseph's life, and I realized that he faced many hard things, much harder than what I will ever face. But the remarkable thing was that prophet knew in Whom to take comfort and he listened when the Lord himself gave that promise in the next part of verse 7 and then 8: "know thou, my son (or my daughter), that all these things shall give thee experience, and shall be for thy good. The Son of Man hath descended below them all. Art thou greater than he?"

I was touched as I thought of these great words of comfort that certainly helped the prophet to bear a situation that at the time seemed completely unbearable. Then I read the following verse, one that seems to get overlooked by those trying to catch the profound message in the preceding verses. Verse nine reads:

"Therefore, hold on thy way, and the priesthood shall remain with thee; for their bounds are set, they cannot pass. Thy days are known, and thy years shall not be numbered less; therefore, fear not what man can do, for God shall be with you forever and ever."

Can you see why I loved these? I feel deep gratitude as I read to have a Father who knows, and a Savior who felt the same I do now. We do not do this alone unless we ignore the promises of comfort offered to us by a kind and loving Savior. It reminds me of a quote by President Henry B. Eyring, which was quote by Elder Kent Richards in this past conference:

“It will comfort us when we must wait in distress for the Savior’s promised relief that He knows, from experience, how to heal and help us. … And faith in that power will give us patience as we pray and work and wait for help. He could have known how to succor us simply by revelation, but He chose to learn by His own personal experience.”

There is a waiting process, but it is also a refining one. I remember hearing once a quote that said something like the trials that the Prophet Joseph faced helped him become in his few short years what it would take a common man 1000 years to become. I often ponder upon this, and wonder if I should stop complaining when I feel pushed out of my comfort zone.  :)

I love Joseph Smith. I am grateful for his mission and his life. He gave so much to be an instrument in the hands of the Lord, and I hope to someday be half person Joseph Smith was and is. He was filled with faith and his mind was constantly on eternity. He is a servant of God and the first great prophet of these latter days. With millions of others around the world, I add my voice:

"Praise to this man!"

Absie-pants turns 19.

So... three days ago, my little Abbee turned 19. "Little" may not be the exact right word then I suppose. How can my youngest sister be THAT old? Shouldn't she be the brace-faced adolescent still?

On the anniversary of her birth, aka her birthday, I wrote in my journal a list of why I love her so much. I wanted to share it with her in a special way, so I thought, why not make it a little public? Below are 19 reasons I love my sistah, Abbee Nelle Lloyd.

1. She is funny. Maybe funny doesn't do it justice. Hilarious!
2. She is loyal to those she loves... just don't get on her bad side! Eeeks. (Jk)
3. Her heart is true - corny, but I mean it.
4. She is an honest person - you know when she's upset!
5. She is a seeker of truth.
6. She works very hard at the things that matter most to her.
7. She looks for those less fortunate and seeks to lift their burdens.
8. She is smart and capable.
9. She uses the funniest words.
10. She is determined (think first kiss...)
11. She is non-judgemental. She didn't even judge her fiance when he finally told her that he was made of plastic.
12. Her eyes are GORGEOUS. I swear they're fake.
13. Looks great with any hair color.
14. She is little Adrian's hope and blessing.
15. Her singing voice is all sultry and stuff. Look out, Ingrid.
16. She is good with money. Ask Mollie. I swear Abbee is always having to loan it to her.
17. She let me choose the spelling of her name... oh, wait, she wasn't born yet. It was mom and dad that let me suggest spelling her name A-b-b-e-e. Yeah, go me.
18. Super sharp dresser. I go to her and Mollie when I need ideas and advice.
19. Finally, she is my sister. I know that sisters are supposed to love each other by default, but it's more than that. She is my example and lifelong friend... and the best part is that it's not just for now. It's forever. (I think I should cross stitch that in a pillow for sure. Single glistening tear of joy... :')

I kid, but I hope in all of this, Abs, that you know how much you mean to me. Thanks for being my sister (no choice there), friend, conspirator and more. Love you like da fat kid love da cake.

Ow, ow!

Ode to one of the finer things in life.

My tendency in blogging, especially after the Six-Weeks blog (sorry I died off Christmas week!) is to be serious. So I want to continue that and give a serious shout-out to one of the finer things in life:

KARAOKE.

I love it. It is one of the most liberating activities I know. There is just something about belting a song as though you were the singer/entertainer/dancer/whatever. I went to a party last night, which was so fun, but the karaoke was a little dismal. People there just didn't know how to fully embrace the spirit and energy of good karaoke. Just let it go, man. Loosen up. Live free. Let the karaoke take you.

I know I sound obsessed, and I might be. I try to do it at least twice a month, but it has been a weekly trend as of late. Oh karaoke. Thank you for letting me let go. I love you.

Too legit to quit.

Graduate School

That's right, you heard me... and I heard me. Graduate school. Aaah!!

It always happens this time of year. I ache for grad school. My friends go back to finish their Master's degrees or Ph.D's. I hear their plans for graduation. I hear about loads and loads of tests and school work... and I am insanely jealous. Yet, despite this jealousy, I wait. I don't know why. Last year, I felt it wasn't time. It just seemed like there was something else in the mix, and I believe it is the awesome internship I am doing now. What a blessing.

A few weeks ago, the burning desire returned, even stronger this time. My friend came over today and we discussed her recently-completed Master's degree. I couldn't resist. I had to go online and do some research. I have debated getting an advanced degree in what I studied for my undergraduate -- communication -- but it has never settled right. For a couple years now, I have known that when I do go to graduate school, I will study Marriage and Family Therapy. I don't know why, but many things seem to pull me in that direction, including a fierce desire to defend and strengthen marriages and families.

Although unsure of where I wanted to get my degree, I have long tracked Liberty University, a Christian school in Lynchburg, VA. They seem to have a pretty impressive online MFT program, and that would give me the freedom to get my degree from wherever I end up next. Today as I was again researching the program, I realized that they do not require a GRE score (I have not yet taken the GRE), so it dawned on me that there isn't a single thing stopping me... so I applied. Today. We'll see what happens. And maybe, just maybe, this is my next step in life, the one that I have hoped was coming for a very, very long time. I'll keep you updated.