October 2012 - Not so "Inner Thoughts"!

About this time last year, I wrote a piece about “Inner Thoughts” which was about the way I was thinking and feeling at that time but never published those thoughts which was the right thing to do. I have now publish this on this blog rather than completely delete it which I suppose is the easier option. The reason for not deleting is simply to remind myself of what my brain was thinking at that time for all sorts of reasons - some of which I am not sure of now! Looking back at what I wrote was interesting to say the least my last paragraph sort of confirmed what the realistic thought and option was and is for that matter. 

Realistically, I was going through a bad patch mentally especially about “me” along with various other things happening around me at that time! Certainly work was not helping which ultimately led to a change of role in the company or lose my job - not much choice I suppose! However, by not publishing “Inner Thoughts”,  it did allow me to give myself yet again more time to think and with the result my everyday thoughts carried on and are seen in my public blog which all thoughts and feelings written remain true. Had they not, there would of been an entry or two in this blog. 

So there you go, until the next time my little blog - let me be “me” as and when. :-))

Late 2011 - Inner thoughts!

An interesting title heading you may think, well it is about my inner thoughts which is not for my public blog. Some things are always better kept private and this is one of these occasions. 

With the original blog going private, I have just concentrated on writing for my public blog which generally covers my general life about KD and associated things. However, within myself, its different especially what has happened over the last two years. not just about my life but also concerning my relationship / feelings for M.R. 

I am at the stage were I am comfortable with myself when presenting as KD - it feels so right, especially mentally but also in appearance. However, on the down side I do have big mood swings mainly because I cant be who I want to be accept on the occasional basis. I try to hide these from M.R. and the family because I have no choice. Or do I though? Over the last few months, I have seriously wonder whether to have a chat with my GP and see I should actually go the TS route. Realistically, going the whole way is not an option as I don’t have the money and the NHS understandably will think i am too old and money spent better elsewhere. But I still go as far as possible and taking some hormones etc to commence my part feminisation to eventually going full time. As a person I would be so much happier and content.     

However, life is not that easy and the huge major problems this would cause to M.R, and my children. I cannot imagine they would stand by me and I would ultimately lose a huge part of my life - a big big price to pay just to be “me”! A very major catch 22 situation indeed. On one hand to be “me”, the woman I’ve always wanted to be or continue to be the man of the house, the loving husband and father. Interestingly, M.R. has always had worries about this and understandably keeps requesting assurances that this is not what I want? I give her genuinely  and honestly those assurance’s all the time but as she say’s I keep moving the goal posts which really is true but only because I don’t know what the future holds which is very true also. However, I doubt M.R. would believe me especially if I discuss what I am thinking at the moment. 

So what do I do? Stay as things are now, hopefully some improvements happen at home which gives me more opportunities to be “me” or do I make that fateful and non-reversal decision and selfishly commence the route to full time KD?   Well leave this thought here for the time being and write about other things which concern and affect my life also and why the above thoughts are in my mind which I’m sure include the for and against arguments in making a decision or not. I suspect the latter I suppose as I don’t see a realistic alternative option sadly. 

January 2011 - Anything changed?

Yes, it’s a new year, a new start and all that but the reality, it is not sadly! Still attempting to sort out problems at home but at least I am getting there. Hopefully, in a few weeks time, things will be on an even keel and we can therefore move on. Strange really, none of my friends bothered to see how I was and it was left to my work managers to listen to me - at least they helped in their own way which was appreciated. The reality of the situation I was hurt badly by MR and with all that went on including trying to sort the mess out, I’ve gradually become mentally exhausted. But as I’ve said before, there is some light at the end of the tunnel so hopefully I will improve accordingly.

The knock-on of the above, that I’ve not been able to get out due to lack of funds since mid December which has added to my sense of frustration. I had plans to get out around 29th/30th December but there was no chance of that going ahead. At the moment, as the situation is a little easier and in the interest’s of my sanity, I will go to Transpose monthly meeting tomorrow night just to be “me” for a few hours - may be even meet my sister before hand.

With home things going on, I’ve mange to maintain some contact with some cyber friends, with a couple of whom there are provisional plans to meet and hopefully fingers cross that will happen. Really looking for a genuine friend or two, so we can do things together, whether it is a day or evening outing or both even and not to the same places either. Some girls do suggest, nothing stopping you going anyway, true enough but I don’t want to do that as on my own! Come on girls, where’s the fun and enjoyment in that? Enough said really.

Manage with scrapping a bit money together - not sure from where though, to buy a new skirt and jewellery but this will offset by some shoes/clothes being sold on Ebay. Further more, I don’t have anymore room in the wardrobes for further clothes so something has to give I'm afraid. Probably have another little clearout as I’m not happy with some of the Jackets I have in my collection - thinking they may be a little too short for my dress style?

Well that is enough on this occasion my little blog, see you in the future sometime.

December 2010 - It all comes crashing down??

Well I’m writing this on Boxing Day and feel so lonely! Interestingly its now’t to do with KD but affects elsewhere will have an impact on my future activities - will there be any? Unfortunately regarding what has happened during the course of the year where there has been many good moments with MR, my Christmas came tumbling down on Christmas Eve afternoon where a letter arrived in the post which the contents became a quite a shock and unable to figure out why!

Even after making a phone call, it was all very strange and unable to come up with any reasons. Prior to that everything was in place to have a sure footing for our foreseeable future. Mentioning this to MR, she just suggested let us get Xmas out of the way and deal with it then. Alas I’m not that type of person and not to find some explanation(s) for what has been going on. Even racking my brain, nothing was making sense! Later on I needed to log on to the internet to make some enquiries which I did. Yes I found some answers but not what was I expecting or wishing to believe thinking that lighting don’t strike twice. During this time MR had disappeared thinking she went upstairs but actually went out instead! This led me to believe what I did not want to believe has actually happened which later confirmed by MR. For the second time in 4 years, she had deceived, lied and led me up the garden path about a particular financial matter which I thought after the first time round, resolved it and for gave her for her indiscretion. What made this all more galling, we have had the benefit of unexpected funds which we have had put to good use with some spare for other things. As we all know, this don’t last for ever and now was that occasion. However, I had things in place to make sure we were ok for the future and this was after with her full knowledge of making a short term major financial commitment! Yet in all this time over the last couple of years, there has been opportunities to let the cat out of the bag and at least settle the matter! But oh no, MR continuing to play the hiding game, clearly thinking I wont find out again. All I got from MR, was sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry but no explanations for why, why and why? Am I really that bad as a person - the mind boggles but I do really question myself!

Over the Christmas weekend, I’ve hardly spoken to MR as I just cannot comprehend this situation. So many questions but no answers. Even I had thoughts, is this her way at getting back at me for deceit in keeping KD from her? I don’t think so but this what happens when you mind is not thinking straight! I’ve shed a few tears this weekend to say the least.

Looking at the immediate future, I don’t see one as currently my maths is making 1 plus 1 equals 7 or whatever figure you wish to make - one thing for certain it don’t add up or balance the books now! Im just hoping something will turn up later on this week, but what happens if it don’t - I just don’t wish to think about it!! Why MR, why, as we don’t deserved this after nearly 38 years together and you have never been wanting for anything either, yet her stupidity now jeopardises everything we have! WHY? I really need to talk to someone even just to listen to my thoughts and feelings!

September - November 2010 - Holiday, Plan A (not) & the future.

Its been a while since I’ve written anything on my story but things in some respect’s have been quiet between MR and I when it has come to KD matter’s. In a way that has been a good thing which I ‘m sure is the better part of the “circle” I keep referring too. MR has attempted to let me get on with it on the basis it is not going away! The latter is true so there is some acceptance of KD on MR’s part but that don’t mean I take things for granted.

Most of September was KD free zone as MR & I were on holiday completely chilling out on a big ocean liner, “Queen Mary 2” were we cross the Atlantic in both directions along with a cruise up the east coast of America from New York to Quebec and return. Yes it was some holiday to say the least and while we were on board, we renewed our wedding vows. The latter was something that we both wanted but on this occasion MR had a choice (unlike first time around) knowing that KD was also part of the package. Being on board this liner (our second occasion) you have the gracious formal evenings were the ladies dress up accordingly. This was a little frustrating for me as all I could do was look at them wishing on a few occasions that it was me! However, although there were some stunning dresses, some ladies clearly forgot to look in the mirror or their partners did not have the bottle to tell them they look a mess! Certainly as far as MR was concerned she always looked the part and I was proud of her too. Hopefully, we will book another cruise on the QM2 sometime in the future.

Since the holiday, I’ve manage to get out on a few occasions but because of ongoing family circumstances. I’ve been restricted in just getting out to the Village with some friends and now’t else unfortunately. Interestingly I’ve tried to break the mould by arranging some day outings but sadly these plans just never come to fruition due to reasons beyond my control! How frustrating to say the least! The only thing that seem to be a little different from the routine when I went with my sister, her friend came too which was nice and she definitely had no hang ups about meeting a Tgirl - in fact quite the opposite!

Lately, I’ve been in thinking mood again especially in the light of recent outings and I found my self being fed up with KD’s life / routine - its getting to me that is for certain. My last outing, which was last week, I was subdued (not for the first time) I was out and in fact I found it an effort in getting ready & going out because it was the Village I was going too! No problems with being KD - love being "me" but circumstances are limiting me to Village visits and now’t else especially this year! It is just not what I want, made harder by the fact my friends are swaning off here there & everywhere and I'm not included for numerous reasons - likewise just get fed up hearing the stories about past / future outings! As stated, I've attempted to make plans with others, you know Plan A, then Plan B etc but end up Plan X Y Z or nothing! So frustrating & tiresome but is that my friends fault? Currently, not sure If I will get out again before the New Year, not because I don’t want too, its just with who, when & where providing its not Christmas related! There is nothing on the horizon - full stop!

In my mind, I’m happy when in appearance I am KD, that part of me has not changed - I tend to find myself at ease within which is a lovely feeling to have but may be other people don’t see it that way? I often question myself, do my friends like me, if they do, probably in small doses only. This is a feeling I’m getting consistently especially there is never any contact between them and I outside the arrangements of the evening meals at the village. Yet in the same token, I have the impression , some of them are in regular contact with each other - proof in the pudding as I get to find out they been out with each other either via their blogs or their Images website‘s. OK they are entitled to do that, freedom of choice and all that but I’m just left with the feeling / impression I’m not part of it anymore. Ok some will say, I’m reading too much into it or just getting it wrong completely, may be that is the case but currently it don’t seem like that and it’s a horrible feeling to have. Really sorry girls!

As for the future, well immediate priority is say farewell to December, just not a Christmas person I’m afraid - bah humbug some will say but as if normality goes out the window for a month! Not sure if I will get out during December either as nothing on the horizon which is not Xmas party related. In the circumstances, must look forward and I’m sure January 2011 will soon be upon us before we know it! Talking of 2011 I think my main goal will be to make new friends really and hopefully one or two that may be become genuine close friends with regular contact and we can do things together - something I really miss doing. Also hopefully and once again, I can get out further a field too! Will I though?

August 10 - A close shave & was other things.

The following was written prior to our holiday at the end of August and I had not finished it. I've decided to post what Ive written as its a story on its own anyway!

Talking of visiting home as & when the children wish too, this lead to a very very close shave in being outsted by my eldest son! I was going out to the Village to meet friends and got ready during the afternoon at home. Finally I was ready, all I needed to do now was put things in car and go. However, what I tend to do is after each part of getting ready, I always put things back to were they belong especially my make-up which I tend to do in the bathroom. This routine actually saved me on this occasion as un-expectantly and unknown to me my eldest son arrived home but I was upstairs not knowing who came in. I knew it was not MR as she was in work. As you imagine I’m completely KD on the landing and shitting myself!! I just dashed into our bedroom and shut the door fast. Next thing, feet bounce up the stairs but still no hello or whatever. I just stayed silent but son knew I was home but he went to spare bedroom for PC access to the internet. Bearing in mind I was ready, I had to get completely undress and get my make off - fortunately I had some wipes in my handbag and return to that “other” person that I don’t wish to be! With all my clothes now in the corner behind the bedroom door, I appeared and said hello to son! The fortunate thing as mentioned before I had no make-up in the bathroom otherwise I suspect questions may have been ask! Fortunately about an hour later, my son went and I had to get ready once again now running 90 minutes late as I was meeting a girl friend in the Village. So as can be noted, although no children living at home, I still have to watch my back for the un-expected. Who said being a Tgirl is easy? LOL

July 2010 - A loose lead & looking ahead?

When I originally wrote the June entry, KD matters were in turmoil for numerous reasons but as with most things in life, things calm down and different perspective’s arrive. This was no exception but it comes back to the “going round in circles” thoughts were things can be good, bad or in different and just depends were in the circle you are at any particular time. In that instance, we were in the indifferent / bad period and I suppose it was a case of abiding time for the good or better times to arrive. Well it did but unexpected never the less.

There was no obvious sign this was going to happen as within myself I felt I was going down a slippery slop to -- well I had no idea but really could not see any real light at the end of the long tunnel. However, unexpected and sudden, there seem to a change of attitude / different thoughts by M.R. towards KD issues. I suppose the best of putting it was suddenly it did not matter anymore and MR was prepared to let me do what I wanted. What I wanted, I’m not sure what that is but certainly I just needed “clear air” to let me decide when I wanted to be KD and most all going out when I wanted. However, saying that, I still had too and quite rightly give due consideration to home & family matters as they arise - strange it may seem I have no problem with that and happy to accept it too. But in between moments I just wanted the opportunity to decide what I wanted to do and be the person I wish to be, I.E. Kay Denise.

Since then, things have been much much better between MR & myself and most KD things are accepted as routine in some ways. I suppose the best way of putting it, is in a dog lead sense! 1) A tight lead, 2) A loose lead and 3) No lead & complete freedom! As things stand it seems to be the “Loose Lead” category and one that seems to work. Hopefully this continues.

What has also had influence has been changes at home which included the last family member finally leaving home which meant for the first since the early 80’s we have no children living at home. Mmmm just the two of us. I suppose, if fact I know that has made a difference between “tensions” have now gone. However, as with all parents, they are always welcome to visit us as & when they wish too, but there is still problems encounted as I got to find out later! LOL

During this time, I’ve manage to get out almost on a weekly occasion but kept it simple, and just visited the bigger closet, namely the Village in Manchester. However, in the light of things changing for the better, I will leave going further a field until early October. More of this in the next entry.