My Blood is Boiling

***Please don't read if you love facebook or are in a joyous mood. According to my NOT dear H, this post is cynical and will alienate me. He believes that my blog is just like the cheesy status updates on facebook. I wish to God I never gave him this site address. ***

Have you ever been on facebook? I decided this morning that I hate it! My facebook career started a couple months back (I know, I'm a late bloomer) and I was pretty good about updating my status and requesting friends. That all stops today now that I see it for the farce it truly is. A voyeuristic, self-serving, "look at me and all the cool shit I'm doing" little web host. Have you seen how cheesy people's status updates are???? Let me give you the low down on a few of my personal faves:

R. is so proud of C. in his new big boy bed. FYI-R. is a 30 something man, C. is his son. This update would be WAY less ridiculous if it was posted on his wife's page, but noooooo.....grown R. wants everyone to know how proud he is and he actually used the words "big boy bed." How the fuck am I supposed to have a beer with him and not laugh in his face?!

N. is on the fourth day of his diet and has been mostly successful so far. N. is a 40 year old co-worker. Is he kidding me? Did he really just post this on a Saturday morning for all the voyeur whores to read? Dork.

H. is trying to think of good baby boy names. The doc is 80% sure he saw a penis yesterday! We'll know for sure in 3 weeks! ;-) Oh goodie. I'll be waiting with bated breath for that email update. This wackoff also took a picture of herself holding her belly and labeled it, My 3 month baby bump. Who is that picture for? Her public? Nope, totally self-serving, "look at cute little me!"

I could go on and on and on, but I won't. You get the picture, I'm sure. Unfortunately, when I was super excited about my new profile page, I had my DH add the facebook application to my cell. So I get notified on my phone every time one of these idiots makes an update. I'm deleting that immediately!

Sorry for the foul mood, but AF IS STILL NOT HERE! Cycle day 36. I actually POAS two nights ago and lo' and behold, You're not pregnant asshole popped up on the little digital screen. I guess that stick was made especially for me by the universe that decided to fuck me and my dreams of motherhood. Hell, even my dreams on starting a new cycle with my head in a good place... I have to go in for a blood beta and progesterone test on Monday, according to the nurse, "just to be sure I'm not pregnant." Is this some kind of sick joke? According to the nurse, it's possible I didn't ovulate this month, which would be a more reasonable explanation for no aunt flo. However, for the record, in the 20 years that I've had my period, I've ovulated every time. So, I guess this is a new side effect to all these hellish IF drugs. Terrific.

Oh and another friend is "preggers." I HATE that fucking word. Can't we agree as IFs that the words "preggers" and "prego" are annoyingly gross? I, for one, promise NEVER to use either of those words. Sorry, non-words.

Honest Crap and More

Thank you to both Megan and Angry Infertile for my very first award. Yipeeee!!! I must be a total dork, because I was so excited to receive one. And it totally helped me last night to keep my mind off of the fact that I STILL DON'T HAVE MY FREAKING PERIOD. However, my mind is all over that shit now. Cycle day 34. I'm POAS before I go to bed with the hopes that the taunting Not Pregnant will cause my subconscious to relax. Voodoo Hero (V.H) says that a relaxed uterus will help AF to arrive. If the pee stick doesn't help, maybe the glass of wine I'm having will.

On another note, my 3rd acupuncture session was tonight. He inserted a few more needles again this time, including 2 close to my rib cage. My body relaxed almost immediately and I'm not kidding when I tell you I started to nod off. My head did one of those droop to the side kinda things, and then I jumped up a little. Drooped head = pushed in ear needle. Not good. But, V.H. was impressed that someone as anxious as me was able to get to that point of relaxation. I'm feeling pretty proud of that and the fact that I can lie perfectly still while 20 something needles are inserted one at a time. HIGHLY RECOMMEND THIS!

AWARD RULES

1) Choose a minimum of 7 blogs that you find brilliant in content or design.
2) Show the 7 winners names and links on your blog, and leave a comment informing them that they were prized with "Honest Scrap." Well, there's no prize, but they can keep the nifty icon.

3) List at least 10 honest things about yourself.

Okay, so here are 10 Honest Things About Me.

1. I am super jealous of everyone in my life that has children or is pregnant. Jealous almost to the point of insanity. Duh.

2. I'm really good at hiding my true emotions. Unless I'm pissed.

3. I have sex dreams often about men other than my DH. ;) Although DH does show up sometimes too.

4. I HATE the name of my blog. It sounds so generic and blah.

5. One day I'd like to try writing a children's book. Ideas don't flow through me though.

6. When I get nervous, I have a serious sweating problem. Most of the time, it comes from my right armpit.

7. My DH is not the only man I slept with, but he is the only man who I've wanted to be around all the time. Most of our fights are because he doesn't spend enough time with me.

8. My mother and sister are my truest friends. We've been through so much together. A few years ago, my sister had an abortion, and shortly after that I wasn't able to conceive. Two total opposite heartbreaks, and my mother has been the rock for both of us. I love them and don't know how I'd survive without them.

9. Over the last few years, I've begun to question the existence of God. It makes me sad and I haven't had much peace since. Praying does make me feel better though, and I turn to it whenever I feel totally lost. But, I envy those with an unwavering faith, 'cause deep down, I'm just not sure.

10. I can't stand people who are fake.

AND THE WINNERS ARE...

Mary at A Hopeful Unicorn

Hillary at Making Me Mom

Kirke at Maybe I Will Have a Glass

Caroline at Infertile In a Fertile World

Melissa at Just Want to Be a Mom

Just Me at Can You Imagine

Jacki at Just Trying to Make a Cub

Random Thoughts

My voodoo hero has truly done it - I've had a ton of energy today, even after dealing with the little shits that I teach. :) I actually came home and cooked two meals AND 1 1/2 lbs of chicken! I don't know what got into me...it might have something to do with the pizza video posted by Murgan - if you haven't seen this yet, check it out, very clever!!! Or maybe it's all of the unblocked Qi (chee) flowing through my body. I literally feel like I could do some loads of laundry and maybe even clean a couple bathrooms. WTF?! This is definitely a new feeling.

On another note, I'm now on Day 32 of my cycle...waiting for FAF (fucking aunt flo) so I can start my BCPs and get IVF #2, part II's show on the road. You gotta love it. Every month that I'm not on an assisted cycle, my period comes just enough days later than the previous causing me to think that maybe, just maybe, I conceived naturally. That being said, I'm not dumb enough to believe that it'll happen this way, but somewhere deep inside of myself, I hope. I keep trying to squish it down and ignore it, but that's the thing with hope. It floats. Right up to my head which is the place where ideas go to die of exhaustion. Come to think of it, maybe that's why I was acting like Martha Stewart. Was my cooking frenzy a subconscious attempt to forget the fact that I'm still WAITING?????

Also, did anyone have trouble posting comments on certain blogs last night? I tried, unsuccesfully, on several different blogs - the pop-up word thingy wouldn't show up...just wondering.

A Letter Of Hope

Hi ladies. I just love ICLW week! I've read so many new blogs and received such compassionate and empowering comments - a sincere thank you to everyone who has visited. :) I hope you continue to stop by...

This entry tonight is going to be long, but please spend the few minutes it'll take to read it. Trust me. The below letter was passed on to me by my co-teacher a few months ago when she found out she was pregnant, while I had just received another BFN. She was at a loss for what to say, but somehow found the kindest way to do it. She suffered for over a year with infertility, but has since gotten on the train. Her baby boy is due in June and I'm so so so thrilled for her. You may have seen this "letter" somewhere before - the Nest or one of those support sites. If so, I apologize for the repetition, although I do get strength each time I read it. I decided to post it while atop the acupuncture bed tonight. My acu-man, aka my voodoo hero, told me that he believes women with infertility are the MOST dedicated women he's ever seen. I agree wholeheartedly.

A LETTER TO MY SISTERS

Infertility is like a party - a big, two or three year long party that no one really wants to go to. In fact, it's a pretty lousy party, not much fun at all. But by the time you get the invitation, you are already there. Perhaps it's the doctor that gives you the invitation, or a specialist, or perhaps just plain old time gives you the nudge that this is one party you won't be missing.

So we all show up at this party, kicking and screaming. But since this party is held in our honor, we wipe our tears and look around the room. We see our mothers, our aunts, our sisters, and the lady down the street. The check out lady is there, and so is the attorney, the school principal, and the taxi driver's wife. When we see them, at first, we are surprised. "I didn't know you were invited too..." we say. And when we start to talk with them and learn their stories, we know instantly we are sisters, and that their grief is our own, and that we aren't quite so alone.

This party is filled with sisters. My mother, and perhaps yours too, was at this party once. So were many friends of mine. I am always humbled by seeing how many sisters I have here. Even as sisters leave, new ones come to take their place. I spent a long, long time before it was my turn to leave. You, too, will leave this party someday.

There are parting gifts at this party, but most of us are so glad to leave when our time is up, that we just throw them in our purse and forget about them. Then one day, while we are looking for something else, we dig out a little box. Oh yes, our gift. We were looking for what to say to a sick friend, or perhaps how to handle some adversity that came our way, and we found this little box in the bottom of our bag. We open it slowly and there inside we find it. Endurance. Strength. Compassion. We were strong and once walked through the fire. It has made us stronger still. We have endured what would have once broken our hearts, devastated us, and come through with strength that will not easily be silenced. And compassion. Our hearts have grown and now we can, without judgement, embrace each other in ways we couldn't before. We know the true meaning of kindness and the value of compassion. We see humanity, for all its sadness and all its emptiness, and we know we can't do anything but wrap our arms around her in a warm, full embrace. We understand each other's sorrow and we share our strength.

And so, My Sisters, stay strong. I understand how hard some days are, and I know how deeply you want this to end. Know that it will, and that you do have the strength to endure this. You will. You will move forward because you desire this more than anything in your life. You will conceive, or you will adopt, or you will foster children. You will someday leave this place, this party in your honor, but you will remain a Sister forever.

~~A Sister and Mother after years of infertility

Although I've lost some of my faith along this journey, I still get strength and peace when I pray. So, may God bless each of us as we continue on our paths to motherhood.

Baby Shower Blah

Welcome ICLW bloggers! Not going to reiterate my TTC journey, because quite frankly, I'm so tired of talking about it. But, for all those interested, the quick version is on the left sidebar.

My writing seems cranky and I'm sorry for that. I just got back from a baby shower. Two more to go before June. Ick. I'd like to come up with some terrific excuse to get out of them, but everyone will know the truth, so there's no point. I just go and suck it up. That's better than knowing that the guests are sharing the "poor Erica" and "this must be so hard on her" convos. I HATE when people pity me. It's bad enough that I'm at that party...does everyone else need to come too? The only positive emotion I get from these showers is knowing that I look better than the moms-to-be and the women who look completely haggard from all of their sleepless nights. In fact, anytime I attend a function with "mommies" and "mommies-to-be," I'm dressed to the nines. Trust me, I am aware of how vain that sounds, but it's the little things that give me peace these days. I try to find comfort in knowing that their husbands might be fantasizing about sleeping with me as opposed to them. Pathetic? Yes. Satisfying? Definitely!

Today's particular baby shower wasn't too bad until the mom-to-be's sister (one of my best friend's) and her mother tried to force an introduction between me and their cousin. You see, apparently she was also considered IF back in the day. I was told that she struggled with IVF for 13 years!!! I almost made it to the exit, after 3 hours of slight torture, when my friend's mom grabbed my hand and said, "Oh, wait. I wanted to introduce you to Allison. You two have some 'things' in common."

Me: "No really, it's fine. I've got to go. DH is waiting for me. We've got dinner plans."

Her: "Are you sure? She knows all about what you're going through. I think it would be great if you two talked."

Me: "Thanks, but I'm not really into talking about my IF today. Maybe some other time."

Can you imagine how awkward that initial introduction could have been? I mean, seriously, what would that intro even sound like?

"Hi, Allison. I'd like you to meet Erica. She's IF too!"

Don't get me wrong, I love meeting new IF buddies in the blogosphere, but setting up introductions between IFs at a baby shower just seems absurd. I know that many fertiles mean well, but lately I feel like telling them all to BUTT THE FUCK OUT! THIS IS ONE PARTY YOU AREN'T INVITED TO!

Thanks for letting me vent, like usual. Happy ICLW week to all my sisters out there. :)

The New Man In My Life

Tonight was my first acupuncture appointment. Immediately upon meeting my eastern medicine guru, JP, I felt at ease. Okay, I can do this. We went through at least 100 health questions, the first one being the most difficult.

He asked me, "In what state of mind do you find yourself most often during the day?"

I stared at him, waiting. "Isn't this multiple choice," I asked.

He laughed. "Nope, I'll probe you further if needed."

Uh, no extra probing needed here. It took me a long time to respond - like maybe 2 minutes, which in a one-on-one setting can be a bit uncomfortable. JP just waited.

Finally I said, "Anxious. I spend most of my time on edge, up, down, worried. In fact, I worry about everything. I worry that my IVF cycles won't work. I worry that I'll get a divorce. I worry that I may never be the same again. I'm plagued with obsessive thoughts. My mind goes round and round and round."

I even admitted that I once was convinced I had HIV. I have to tell you - there was NO chance I had the disease, it was just the worst thing I could imagine happening. So for months before my pre-marriage blood test, I was certain that I would be HIV positive, my wedding would be canceled, my fiance would leave me, and I would eventually die a slow and lonely death. I must have sounded like a spaz, but that thought never crossed his face, if you know what I mean. I LOVED him!!! JP is my new hero.

The needles went in almost painlessly. I felt two of them for a couple of seconds in my left foot, but that's it. It did take me almost 20 minutes to fully relax though. I was very aware of my shallow breathing. JP said that can be normal, especially for someone who feels "anxious"often. He made a note to work with me on breathing exercises during our next appointment. I'll be going for treatments twice a week for the next couple of weeks. I'm hopeful that the state of calm I feel right now will only get better.

The only sucky thing about this night involved my DH. I wish I didn't feel such a nagging sensation that his selfishness will continue to be detrimental to our life together. I thought he would have been excited to hear about my 1st session, but instead I felt like a bother. He was watching Into the Wild on DVD and he had about 40 minutes to go. I asked if I could pause it, again with the thought that he'd want to hear at least some of my experience. When I did start talking, he kept looking over my shoulder at the pause button and the clock. I can't express into words how icky I feel when he dismisses me. I really don't even want anyone to comment on it. I just hope he one day realizes how hurtful it is. Eh, on the other hand, maybe I'm just super sensitive due to all of the Qi (chee) tapping that happened. I hope so.

And hey, maybe I only have room in my life for one man at a time anyway...

BIG, FAT FAILURE!

There's a difference between like and love. For example, I love my husband, although I don't like him too much right now. Rant session below.

I've already failed BIG time on my new lifestyle changes. I had a glass of wine tonight while eating chicken parmesan at a restaurant. That may not seem like a big deal, but it sure caused a big fight at home.

DH thinks I can't stick to anything. He thinks I can't control my choices. He thinks I spend too much time reading blogs. He says he doesn't trust me when I'm with my friends. He must obviously think I can't SURVIVE without him!!!

You know what I think? I think he feels the need to control me because he can't control our fertility. I think I could leave right now and not look back. Ever feel that way? Like you wanted to start a new life? One that wasn't so difficult? I seriously could live on an island, or in Paris, BY MYSELF and be at peace.

I feel like I'm trying to make these changes (and they're pretty big lifestyle changes for me) and for what? Sure, eating hormone free meat and dairy is a smart choice, but will it help me to conceive??? I doubt it. For the first year and a half of our TTC journey, I was the ONLY one who made sacrifices. I was the one injected with massive doses of hormones. I was the one having blood drawn daily. I was the one bruising and flipping the f#*k out for no reason. And now I'm the one who slipped up a tiny bit, and I have to incur his judgemental looks and head shakes?!?!? Not to mention, this whole health kick was MY idea in the first place.

Do you know that for like an entire year, my DH never drank anything during the work day except for coffee? He literally would drink a cup of joe in the morning and nothing else until dinner! Do you know that chronic dehydration is a major cause for decreased sperm count? I begged him for months and months to drink lots of water, but did he? Nope. He had no problem watching me go through IUI and IVF cycles while he did NOTHING to help himself or our situation. And do you know what else? He now only drinks about 1-2 glasses of water a day. Oh yeah, did I mention that he works out of our house? There's no excuse for this, none!

Sorry. I just needed to get that out so that I don't put a pillow over his head while he's sleeping. :)

PS - On a positive note, I spoke for awhile with my new acupuncturist today - loving him! My consultation and first treatment will be this Thursday! Think I might be a little tense?

Weekend Update

I do realize today is Monday, but I was one of those fortunate teachers who had a 4 day weekend.

After reading up on traditional Chinese medicine, I've come to the conclusion that I'm kidney and spleen deficient. I may also have Liver Qi (pronounced chee) disharmony. I know I'm self-diagnosing, but it's based on a health questionnaire found in my new Bible, "The Infertility Cure." Tomorrow I'm scheduling my first acupuncturist appointment with a man who co-treated patients with the author, Randine Lewis - I'm thinking this may be fate! And I spoke, again, with an IVF nurse from my new RE's office, and they are super nice and on top of things. So far, this office has contacted me 4 times to acquaint themselves with my case. That never happened at my old RE's clinic. I actually hung up the phone with this nurse feeling positive. My weekend left me filled again with hope (eek) and a new "Top 10" list of lifestyle changes.

10. No more red meat.

9. Very little "other" meat. Thanks to Skinny Bitch, I don't even think I'll miss it.

8. Only organic veggies, fruits, and dairy products.

7. No shitty carbs. Goodbye Quarter Pounder meal. You were a good friend.

6. Only complex carbs. Hello whole wheat pasta and organic buckwheat pancakes.

5. No more parking in the Wegman's "parking with child" spots.

4. Eat flax seeds, soy products, wheatgerm, wheatgrass, wheatass

3. Have more sex.

2. Ignore annoying pregnant people.

and the #1 change I vow to make immediately, even though it has already proven to be quite painful...

1. NO alcohol.

In all honesty, I've relied for a long time on that little glass of wine to get me through the beginning phases of each cycle. I convinced myself that a good majority of people got knocked up when alcohol was involved, so drinking during a cycle couldn't hurt. Mostly I didn't want to change my life because of our infertility. And why lie? I do like that it calms me and makes me feel at peace. Unfortunately, that's quite a scary side effect for an addictive substance...

Anyway, I don't know how many of you out there know this. I definitely DID NOT, until an IF friend alerted me to it. A study found in The American Journal of Epidemiology reported that, "any alcohol consumed during an IVF cycle reduced its chances for success by 50 percent." I know that statistics can be skewed, but that one is a little frightening, especially for me. So, I'm saying goodbye to my faithful "glass half-full" friend. Damn infertility! Damn you to hell!

Silver Lining

Waiting...waiting...more waiting. Waiting for AF so I can schedule my baseline u/s and bloodwork in order to begin my BCPs and head into IVF #3 (actually #2)

I can't stand inaction and I'm always looking to my next plan of attack. Well, while I was waiting, I found it. "It" is a book called The Infertility Cure by Randine Lewis and it is like a breath of fresh air. It gives advice on how to use traditional Chinese medicine (TCM) to get and stay pregnant and deliver healthy babies to full term. If you're like me and highly frustrated with Western medicine's strictly scientific approach to conception, check this book out! I am convinced that my "unexplained" infertility with mild male factor can be "explained" once I'm treated as a whole.

I'm not trying to knock the multi-billion dollar ART industry, I just think it's important that we remember that it is just that - an industry that makes $$$ with each new "infertile" that walks in the door. I cannot begin to tell you how many times we tried to ask our old RE to explain why my DH's sperm count went from 1 million/ml to 50 million/ml in only 2 months! The standard answer: Sperm counts fluctuate. WTF?! By 50 fucking million!!!??? I don't think so.

After reading this book, I'm flat out convinced his count could be improved based on the principals of TCM. I'm also convinced that my body is completely out of whack! I drink too much wine, eat like shit because I always could, and don't exercise. I'm also extremely intense and feel that I, like most IFs, have a great deal of stress. TCM works to restore and maintain balance in the body. It doesn't just treat the symptom, it looks to find the imbalance that causes the symptom. Why, then, would an RE not tell us to explore this option? The answer became quite obvious once I took my head out of my ass - They're running a rather lucrative business, baby! Again, I thank God for this business, but I think it is vital that each of us remembers this fact.

Be your own advocate. Do the research. Look into other approaches, especially if you fall into the realm of the "unexplained." Combining Western medical technologies with the Eastern approach of aligning your mind, body, emotions, and spirit seems like the best of both worlds. Right now, for me, finding balance within myself is my biggest goal. Maybe you've reached this point. Maybe you haven't. Maybe you've already fought the good fight and found your happy ending. In any event, I'd like to end this post with a Chinese proverb from the book.

There are many paths to the top of the mountain, but the view remains the same.

Happy Valentine's weekend everyone!

Hitting Bottom

WARNING: This post contains TMI. Feel free to stop reading.

So, a few nights ago, I hit an all-time low. Here's the scoop. My husband and I were out to dinner when he received a text message from yet another friend who is expecting. It read something like: The baby looked GREAT on the ultrasound. It was so cool! We chose not to see if there was a "package," but if so, I'm sure my kid is packing a big one." You would think that my DH would not tell me about this message, as I proved a few days ago that I don't handle the baby updates well. Unfortunately, he did. I wanted to explode! I could feel the blood rushing into my face and I finally felt like enough was enough. I was sick and tired of insensitive people never getting called out for their stupidity.

I begged my husband to write him back with what I felt was a moderately FU response: Please send us a picture of the ultrasound, as we've never had the chance to see anything other than an empty uterus. Of course, he refused. I started to become frenzied. I was begging and cursing at him. I think I may have even called him a p**sy. It was then that I hit bottom. I promised him oral sex if he sent the text. He looked at me like I was insane and repeated his no. I couldn't believe it! What man would turn down that kind of offer? I had to up the ante. "I will literally suck your d**k for at least 30 minutes if you send that goddamn text message!" Most men (and maybe women) would think that he went for it and the smart ass retort was sent, but alas...

Looking back on it, I don't know what was scarier: the fact that I used oral sex as collateral in my sick and twisted game of revenge OR that I meant it.

A Wise Man

I set out on this "blogging" journey to find peace and acceptance with infertility. However, what I'm finding is that I'm still so full of anger and resentment. I DID finally hear from my sister-in-law, better late than never, and after rereading my girlfriend's baby update email, I'm thinking it wasn't such a big deal. Some days are just much harder than others. :(

Over the weekend, I thought about the title of my blog and how this whole IF thing has a learning curve to it. And the more I thought about it, the more I realized how many people are struggling to accept their own circumstances, self-inflicted or not. One particular man came to mind. My grandfather, aka Pop.

Growing up, I spent a lot of time at my grandparent's house. I never knew of my Pop's struggles until I was much older, although I did wonder why he had "meetings" 4 or more times a week. He had this picture of himself with a prayer inscribed over it. I can still see it between the bay window and front door, though he and my grandmother haven't lived in that house for years. I remember thinking he was so handsome and wise. The picture had been a gift from a group of people who supported him in ways that only those who understood possibly could. He is an alcoholic and has been sober for over 30 years. While in AA, he learned a great deal and helped others through their darkest hours. I'm so grateful for the experiences he has shared with me in more recent years. The real gift in that photo, he said, is the inscribed prayer that he has tried to live by ever since the day he walked into his first meeting. I imagine he was scared and uncertain of his future, just like me. Yet he went forward and met adversity head on. I admire him so very much.

This is the only prayer that I seem to find any comfort in these days. You've probably heard it.

The Serenity Prayer
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
the courage to change the things I can,
and the wisdom to know the difference.
~Amen.

I hope each of us has a peaceful week.

Two A@#holes Enter My Life - Stage Left

Here's the scoop - I had a GREAT morning! Saw a co-worker at the local Starbucks drive-thru. She bought my chai tea. Ah, I can't wait to pay it forward... A few minutes later, walked into my classroom and there was a card and a "Teacher's Do It All," or something like that, inspirational book on my desk - delivered by the mother of a student who just recently became aware of my IF history. Sweet! This is going to be an amazing day! Got two more emails from Mrs. Makes Excuses (posted 'bout her a few days ago) and she's been kissing my butt. Score one for the teacher who doesn't compromise her beliefs for a moronic mom!

And then, Asshole #1 enters with the following text:

M (my lil' bro) and I got to see the baby this morning...

the baby was dancing around, very active!

I can't wait to show u the pictures.

Seems innocent enough, even though I still don't understand WHY it's so difficult for fertile people to grasp how INSENSITIVE it is to parade their happy news to us...but here's the freakin' kicker. This is the FIRST time I've heard from my sister in law since I dropped off her bday card and pedicure gift cert AND the much agonized over "congratulations" on baby card. (see previous post to understand sheer frustration) To date - no phone call, email, or text to thank for the heartfelt card from either my SIL or my brother. :(

I move through my day...the following is an email that I received from a "supposed" close friend, Asshole # 2, who recently found that her prayer's were answered. - GAG! You should know that this girl was a bridezilla, to say the least, and now appears to be a mommyzilla. This is the 3rd baby update I've had the displeasure of receiving.

Hello friends,

We hope this note finds everyone doing well.
Just dropping a note to say hello and to give everyone a quick update on Baby M. We had a 10-week visit yesterday with an ultrasound, and learned that Baby M is now 3.19cm and based on his/her size, the due date is looking closer to September 2nd…which is right on schedule! The baby has doubled in size since two weeks ago and is now also kicking & moving his/her arms very vigorously…which was so cool to see! N. & I will go for our 12-week visit in two weeks where we will have an even clearer ultrasound done. We are so excited to see that, and will be even happier to then be out of the first trimester!
As an update from mommy-to-be, I have been very fortunate as I am 10-weeks & 2 days along and still have not experienced any morning sickness. If I can go another two weeks without getting sick, I will be one of the lucky mommies to be! ;-) Work has been extremely busy for me at _____, which is tough for a pregnant woman, but at the same time…it is making the time fly by super fast. I just can't believe only two more weeks until I am out of the first trimester!...I have no idea where this time went! I guess that's not such a bad thing ;-)
Other than us both being very busy at work, we are spending as much quality time as we can in our last "alone" months together and also taking time to prepare our "nest" for baby to arrive.
Take care & will keep you posted on baby's progression. :-)
Love,
Asshole #2

I've taken the liberty to highlight in red the parts that made my heart bleed today. I hate that I started so positive this morning and ended with such a heavy feeling in my chest. My DH doesn't understand. He thinks I need to prepare myself for more punches in the gut and just distance myself. But I can't. I'm astounded at how many people around me are so hurtful. Why is it that I'm afraid to call them out on it?

Misplaced anger?

Yesterday I did the right thing. I even felt good about it. Today, I'm a little annoyed. I might be jumping the gun with my aggravation, but just putting it out there to see what the IF blogosphere thinks...

I mentioned in an earlier post that my younger brother's wife found out she was pregnant while I was stimming for my 2nd IVF cycle. They elected to tell us in person a few days after my cycle was canceled, which was about a month ago. SURPRISE! (I can't even begin to go there...)

Anyway, it was my SIL's birthday yesterday and I decided to buy her a gift cert for a pedicure. I figured that would be a nice gift for a newly pregnant person supposedly suffering from exhaustion. Whatever. Along with the gift, I bought them both a congrats card - specifically the card said, "and baby makes three, congratulations to the parents-to-be." That was the only card I could purchase without puking. Every other card mentioned things like: dreams coming true, God giving you a family, blah, fucking blah.

I thought buying the card would be the hard part, but I was wrong. What does an IF older sister suffering from extreme envy write in a card? Deep inside, I really am happy for them, very deep inside. It's just that this damn jealousy and sadness for myself pervades most of my other feelings. Anyway, I decided to write from the heart and not ignore the obvious elephant in the room. I told them how happy I was for them. I told them that I never wanted them to feel that they needed to hide their joy from me and my DH. We were so looking forward to meeting our niece or nephew. I apologized if my reaction was in any way awkward the night they told me. I told them how grateful I was that they understood my pain and didn't judge me for it. This was kind of a lie - I don't think they have even a little clue as to my pain or they would have NEVER come to my house to tell me their good news. They would have known that I would have to fight like a warrior not to cry in front of them. I signed it, I love you both.

This was yesterday. I left both cards inside their house (I have the code to get in and had a snow day.) I haven't heard from either of them yet. Maybe I wouldn't hear a thank you for the gift. But I surely thought I would have heard a thank you immediately for the hardest card I ever had to write. It's now 6:20 pm and still nothing. I'm hoping I'll be able to update this blog and say that I heard from them. But honestly? What the shit? How did they not call me right away? They most definitely have NO idea how hard I'm struggling. They can't possibly know how hard it will be for me to watch my very tiny, very cute, SIL grow a perfectly round basketball bump on her belly. If I don't hear from them by tonight, I swear to God, I'm going to pray that her facial features spread and her ankles, ass, feet, and thighs swell as well.

Any thoughts?

Calling All Studs!

This morning, for the second time since January, I started to think about a show I saw on the Discovery Channel a little while back. I have no idea what is was called, but I quite clearly remember the topic. Stud horses. Here's a quick background to bring you up to speed regarding this booming business.

Stud horses are the male horses that are raised and kept strictly to impregnate females. Now, not just any male can be a stud. Horse breeders are only interested in the males from award winning lineages. This makes perfect sense - breeders are trying to increase the odds for offspring stardom on the racetrack. I realize this may not be a new concept to many of you out there, but I was pretty surprised that this existed. I don't know what I must have been thinking. It's not like horses have time to court, fall in love, and make babies the old fashioned way. And, shit, who am I to judge? I'm not making one the old fashioned way either.

Anyway, the real shocker came 15 minutes into the program. Apparently, female horses can be quite "testy," to say the least. It can be very dangerous to put the stud horse into the stall without knowing how the female will react. It makes sense, really. Think about it. As women, any number of things can piss us off and turn us off. So, something needs to be done to compensate for this potential liability. Enter the sterile teaser horse. I'm not kidding, it's really called a teaser. The male teaser is brought in to "work the filly up," you know, get her in the mood. Once she's all horned up, the stud comes in to seal the deal. Up, on, and in he goes. Swim spermies, swim. Then, the stud horse (or rather his owner) is paid and the female is usually knocked up. When the show was over, I looked at my husband with disbelief. "This could work for us," he said. "I can be the teaser, and we'll bring in a stud to seal the deal." We shared a good laugh, but each felt a bit of the pain too.

When my 2nd IVF cycle was canceled this month due to a drop in estrogen, my RE recommended an IUI. They hoped I would drop the 4-5 matured eggs that had developed which would greatly compensate for my DH's lower sperm count.

On the morning of my insemination, I was anxious. All I could think about was that damn horse show we had seen over the summer. I felt like a woman possessed. If I could only find a few more "studs" to help seal the deal. I started to think about all of the men I knew, which ones had proven themselves in the stud department, which ones were likely to be teasers. Dear God, am I insane? For 24 hours, all I could think about was getting out there and finding studs. I most certainly didn't want to waste those precious eggs. Was this instinctual or merely the ravings of a mad woman? Who knows? Maybe both. With a new IVF cycle on the horizon for March, I shall soon see.

By the way, you may be wondering what happens to the teaser horse. Does he ever get any? Only about once a month. Poor guy!

Amnesia: A Positive New Side Effect?

Tonight was my first consultation appointment at my potentially new RE's office. I am strongly considering leaving the reputable center I've become all too familiar with over the past year and a 1/2 for many reasons. I was truly hoping that this meeting today would give me the hope that I needed to continue on my journey. Although my DH would disagree, I just wasn't feeling it.

The RE walked into the consultation room mumbling something inaudible. It was a few seconds later that I realized he wasn't mumbling, he had introduced himself. WTF?! Mr. RE proceeds to sit down and stare at our neatly copied folder of fun. He quickly gives up and begins asking me the basics - last period? health history? length of cycle? does DH have trouble getting or maintaining an erection? (I love when they throw that in there! Helps DH feel included.) All of this information is already included on the 37 forms I had to fill out prior to the appointment, but I won't bother going there.

I tried my best to explain the last year and a 1/2 of hell, however my husband had to jump in when it became evident to him that I forgot the last 5 months of my IF journey. I kid you not, I actually forgot my most recent canceled IVF cycle and all of the trauma that went with it. The last thing I remembered was the BFN from my frozen transfer in September. It was like everything else in the last 5 months just disappeared. My DH looked at me like I was insane and quite rightly so. Sometimes I wonder how he hasn't had me checked into a psych facility yet.

Anyway, I've been thinking about how powerful that little memory lapse was and the potential that it holds for my future sanity. I decided to come up with a list of things I'd forget, if I could...

I would forget that my sister in law became pregnant. And easily...are you even surprised?
I would forget that her and my brother decided to tell us in person, 4 days after my canceled cycle.
I would forget the way I blushed and the tears that stung the back of my eyes.
I would forget that I have at least 4 baby showers to attend this year.
I would forget the feelings of despair.
I would forget our trip to Amsterdam with another married couple. You see, "she" found out she was expecting baby 2 - SURPRISE - the day before we left. "She" who never even wanted children.
I would forget the numbing pain caused by knowing that my DH and I will not have fun while making our baby.
I would forget the thought of ICSI.
I would forget the feeling in the pit of my stomach each time a new person tells me that their dream will be realized.
I would forget the endless fights triggered by our pain.
I would forget the anger.
I would forget the resentment.
I would forget the bits of bullshit advice. I know I don't even need to give the examples. You all know them by heart.
I would forget my skepticism of God.
I would forget that my cousin, my second sister, is making her family and I've been left behind.
I would forget the envy I feel for those more fortunate, especially those I love.
I would forget the humiliation.
I would forget how something sacred has become something scientific and sterile.
I would forget the pain that this causes for others.
I would forget stirrups, white sheets, and ultrasound probes.
I would forget the lonely pink line.
I would forget the time my veins collapsed because I had given blood 9 days in a row.
I would forget the shots that hit nerves.
I would forget the bloating, the bruising, the broken blood vessels.
I would forget the oily lumps in my ass from the progesterone.
I would forget the "phone calls" confirming what I already knew in my gut.
I would forget the "look" that people get when they have to deliver pregnancy news to me.
I would forget the mood swings.
I would forget the loss of my sex drive.
I would forget the sadness in my husband's eyes.
I would forget his tears.
I would forget the loss of our dignity.

I know everyone out there in the IF world feels these losses. I'm no different. Some days they just seem too big to bear alone. I know I can't ever forget, and maybe one day, I won't want to. But for now, for tonight...I do.

IQ Test Required for All Potential Parents

Have you ever noticed how many freakin' idiots are actually parents today?!?!? Let me tell you that I've seen my share and I'M SO SICK OF THEM!!!

I'm a fifth grade teacher in a pretty affluent district and I see all kinds of parents. Parents who don't give a shit, parents who give kind of a shit, parents who watch over everything you do (aka helicopter parents), and then, my favorite - the parents who think you should do just about everything for their child, including wiping their asses.

Being the dedicated professional that I am, I decided to check my work email on a Sunday. Why, oh why, would I do something so stupid?

I came across yet another email from Mrs. Makes Excuses. Mrs. ME had the audacity to complain that her child "cried" all night after being held accountable for work that was due last Thursday. This particular mother wanted to inform me that her child wasn't being "deviant," (uh, what?) but just didn't understand her responsibilities. My internal response: "No shit, you don't say, Mrs. ME! I can't imagine an 11 year old who would lie to save her own butt."

So, being the dedicated (did I mention that already) teacher that I am, I let Mrs. ME know how the directions were explained, yada yada yada. I kindly asked her to call me if she had any other questions. Of course, she did, oh of course. Mrs. ME said that she detected from the "tone" of my email that I was defending my actions. She agreed that her child, Mini-Manipulator, was unprepared. But, lucky for me, she would still like to call me to further discuss this event on Monday. I just can't wait!

One of the hardest things about being infertile is watching all of the morons in society multiply with such ease. In fact, it has been my experience that this sub-population is more likely to reproduce like a rabbit. I often feel like I'm a ticking time bomb when it comes to being called out by the Mr. and Mrs. Makes Excuses of the World. It is only a matter of time before I really let them have it. I don't know if it's the infertility, or the sheer annoyance at the lack of responsibility that this population takes for its offspring, but my blood is really boiling.

Mrs. Makes Excuses said she detected "tone." I so desperately wanted to write her back with 5 fuck yous, 8 blow mes, and 17 eat shits. I wonder if she'd be smart enough to detect the "tone" in that.

Thanks for letting me get that off my chest. I'm already feeling better.