Winter Time

Sorry it's been so long since I've written anything.
Let see The soup turned out good. It still need to tweak it a little but all in all it was good and the kids ate it. Sucess in my book!

Michaels 6th Angelversary was the other day. This year his birth/angel day was rougher than the last few years. I think because of losing Kevin a few months ago all those grieving feelings are still raw and painful. The pain of losing a baby never goes away but most days it's bearable. There's even some days that I can go all day without dwelling on the what if's.

Christmas is right around the corner. I have most of my shopping done. I was going to finish it today but we're getting a bunch of snow so I think its a good day to stay in my pj's and drink some cocoa!
Merry Christmas All

newest challenge

Annie went to Aunt Sharolyn's last night for a sleepover.
I slept in this morning, went to the gym, did an extra hard workout, to make up for a weekend of splurging and to prepare for Thursday. Afterwards I went to Kevin's work to pick up our Thanksgiving turkey. I then came home to get Jon seeing he had a halfday. Jon and I don't get much alone time so I took him to Olive Garden for lunch. I got the soup/salad/breadstick meal and Jon had fetticinni(sp) alfredo and a cup of soup. We both got the Chicken and Gnocchi soup. Oh my lordy how did I got all my life without this yummy soup. It's broth is chicken based but not thin like a noodle soup yet not thick like a chowder or chilli. Jon is the pickest eater in our family and he gobbled it right up. We then went to pick up one turkey and drop off another. I came home with a cranky, tired turky and left a frozen quiet one. They might of gotten the better deal.
I can't wait to try my hand at this yummy soup. I'll keep everyone updated.

New SpringWidget

Sushi night

I have a habit of seeing something good at a resturant and then try to make it at home. Normally by my 3rd or forth try I have it as good if not better than the resturants. My latest challenge...Sushi aka california rolls. I grew up surrounded by fishermen, which has prevented my from thinking of raw fish as anything besides bait.

I'm still experementing on what ingredients we like in our sushi. For the meat I use Krab and smoked Salmon. The veggies I use varies depending what's in the fridge. Tonight we(meaning I) used an avacodo and shredded carrots. Other nights I have used cucumbers and sweet potatoes(my fav so far)

The prep work is the most time consuming part of it. You have to make the rice and then let it cool. While this is going on I do all the slicing that needs to be done. I also will toast my sesame seeds while I wait for the rice to cook and cool.

Once the rice is at the right temp it's go time.

I recently invested in a sushi press. It really speeds up the process.

I start with putting a little cream cheese on the noki. Most places use mayo but I like the cream cheese better. Plus I can use low fat cream cheese. Tonight I used the one with chives added.

After I have the cream cheese spread. I put it in the press followed by a layer of rice. I then add the good stuff followed by another layer of rice. I then press it down using the top piece of the press. Viola I have a square sushi roll.

I started making the traditional california roll where the rice is on the outside. This way is a little more time consumming.

You start by putting the noki(seaweed) on your mat, followed by a layer of rice. You then sprinkle some toasted sesame seeds on top. Once this is done you cover it with saran wrap. Then carefully flip it over. After it's fliped over you pretty much do the same thing as above. Then you have to roll it, using your mat.

I make all my rolls first then cut them all at the same time. If you don't want your rolls square or in my case rectangle just put them on your mat and roll them up pressing gently untill they are round. I used 2 cups of rice and got 7 or 8 rolls, and I get 6 to 8 pieces per night. Plenty for a family of four and leftovers for Kevin to take to work.

too Beautiful for Earth

Gummi Bar

This song cracks Annie up. She will spend hours on youtube listening to this song over and over and still giggle everytime he shows his butt crack.
It's kind of a dumb song and most of the words are just jibberish. Watch and try not to smile I dare ya.
ETA: the first link isn't working anymore so I hope this one stays valid for more than a day.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qC_hF31z130

Pregnancy and Infant Awareness Day

Today we remember all the babies that never made it to their first birthdays. Here is a picture of the candle I lit in Kevin's and Michael's memory. R.I.P. my sweet little angels Momma misses you more than words can express.

Wave of Light

Please light a candle in Kevin's honor and memory.

A walk to remember

There was an event last weekend in Grand Rapids for parents who have lost babies, called A Walk To Remember. They did a walk and a balloon release. A nurse from Devos released a balloon in Kevin's honor. Which was very thoughtful of her.

A Walk to Remember

I walk to remember

The steps you'll never take.

I carry you with me

as I firmly plant my feet.

Our trek started long ago,

before my belly swelled.

You were a love that grew-

like butterfly wings that beat.

Your gently flutters then became

kicks upon which I would dwell.

And I would talk to you, sweet babe,

about the world you soon would meet.

The sun always shone upon us then-

when you were in my womb.

And I was eager to show you the world

that would have been your home.

How you'd have loved the sun shining-

blue skies without a cloud.

The autumn leaves turning-

the snow falling all around.

The flowers in summer-

would have filled your eyes with smiles.

And the rain that might have fallen

would have caused you great surprise.

You would have traveled far with me-

holding me by the hand,

And I'd have shown you all I could-

more that I can imagine.

You hold my HEART tightly now,

as though we're holding hands.

How far we've traveled, little one-

and my life with you has been sweet.

For I carry you in my heart,

as I firmly plant my feet.

Patience is a virtue... that I don't have

When Kevin passed, we opted to have an autopsy performed. The results were supposed to take 1-2 weeks. It's been over 3 weeks and I'm still waiting. ERRR. While having answers won't change anything but I still need to know. Part of me knows it's due to his surgery which has me feeling so guilty. We were in such a hurry to have him home with us maybe we rushed his surgery. If we put it off for another wek or so maybe he'd still be with us. Or maybe if I wouldn't of left the hospital that night I might of realized he was getting sick before the nurses did. UGH! I hate the what if's. So I'm hoping having the results will put some of these at ease.

I called the hospital today and the doctors that saw Kevin the most aren't there today(of course). Dr. Dustin will be calling me tomorrow morning. I used the physicians office phone number and I wasn't prepared to hear a familiar voice saying "NICU, how can I help you?" I called during lunch hour so it got routed to the main office.

Seems like I've been waiting forever. First it was on Special K's arrival. He was 8 days late. Then it was waiting to get the chance to hold...feed...mother him. Now i'm waiting for answers. Hopefully tomorrow i'll get some of the answers I need.

Only God knows how long I'll have to wait to get a chance to mother him once again.

Patience is a virtue that I don't have...

To the Little Butterfly

Butterflies are free
Or so they tell me
Why did you fly away
You should be here stay
We think of you and cry
We can only wonder why

Why did you go
We may never know
Be free little butterfly
Fly high into the sky
We will always wonder why
As we say goodbye
To the Little Butterfly

Mommy please don't cry! by Aara V.

Mommy please don’t cry
I am not that far away
Mommy please don’t be sad
I am sorry I couldn’t stay
I am up here in heaven’s clouds
Sitting with God tonight
A smile so warm and gentle
His arms wrapped around me tight
Mommy can you hear my voice
Listen you will hear me sing
I am singing with the angel choir
With my brand new set of wings
I want you always to know mommy
That we will never part
For I am always with you mommy
Forever inside your heart
If ever you feel lonely mommy
If you need an ear
Know that I am with you mommy
Always ready to hear

quote from The Unit

"I'm not strong enough. What do you do when your not strong enough?" asks Kim

"You act like you are." replies Bob

Dancing with the Angels

Here's a song that I listen too when I'm trying not to feel sorry for myself.
I was going to post the youtube video for this song but youtube is being sloooow today so just the lyrics will have to do.


Dancing with the angels
by Monk & Teagle

Memories surround me
But sadness has found me
I'd do anything for more time
Never before has someone meant more
And I can't get you out of my mind
There is so much that I don't understand
But I know

Chorus:
You're dancing with the angels
Walking in new life
You're dancing with the angels
Heaven fills your eyes
Now that you're dancing with the angels

You had love for your family
Love for all people Love for the Father, and Son
Your heart will be heard In your unspoken words
Through generations to come
There is so much that I don't understand
But I know

Chorus:

Bridge:

We're only here for such a short time
So I'm gonna stand up
Shout out And sing Hallelujah
One day I'll see you again

Kevin Matthew

Here's a brief rundown on Kevin Matthew's life. He was born on August 20th at 5:01 am. During my ultrasounds I was told to expect a small baby. So during labor when it was taking longer that I thought pushing out a 5-6 pound baby should, I felt like a big ole wimp.

Once he was born he was having trouble breathing well so off he went to the NICU. It was obvious he was no 6 pounder, though we didn't get to weigh him before he left the room. A few minutes later a nurse came in to report that he was still having issues breathing and will need to go to the NICU down state. She also reported that he weighs 9 pounds 3 ounces. HOLY CRAP!! Momma no longer felt like a wimp!! In fact I felt like a super hero!

We knew before he was born that he has a cleft lip but after numerous tests and ultrasounds we thought that was his only issue. Boy oh boy were we ever wrong. Because the doctors knew he had serious problems he was sent to Devos Childrens hospital. Kevin and I went home found babysitters for Jon, Annie and Link and then took a little nap then headed to Devos.

In the days that followed, Baby K had lots of tests done. We found out that he was missing a part of his brain and his pituitary gland which caused a bunch of problems. His optical nerves were undersized so he his vision was impaired. I think he was able to see a little but we'll never know if he was completely blind or not. I'm going to keep thinking that he was able to see me...

His kidney function turned out to be his biggest problem. He went from not peeing at all to peeing enough for 3 kids his size.

His had malrotation of the small intestine. Which is why they performed surgery on him when he was 23 days old. They said his kidneys were stable enough to handle the stress of surgery. It turned out they were wrong. 2 days after his surgery he went into septic shock and after fighting for his life he passed in my arms at 1:04 pm on September 14th.

During his breif time with us what we thought would be his biggest issue was the least of his problems. we did so much research before he was born on cleft lips and how to raise a baby with one. I fell in love with his big wide mouth and was actually dreading the day they would repair it. To me he was perfect just how he was. Micropenis and all!!

So having a 9 pound baby in a NICU where preemies were popular was a strage experience. I don't know how many times dr's/nurses and other staff would be walking by see the size of Kevin and stop in there tracks to get a second look.
I had this convesation a lot.
"How much did he weigh at birth?"
I answer 9lbs3oz
"wow, did you deliver vaginally?"
Me, "Yes"
"Can I get you a chair? are you sure you don't need to sit down?
nope I'm ok standing...

And my super hero ego got a little bigger!


My husband blogged about all this as it was happening so for a more indetailed report on Kevin's short life go to his blog. www.thicktank33.blogspot.com

Men Do Cry

Men Do Cry" by Ken Falk TCF Northwestern CT

I heard quite often "men don't cry" Though no one ever told me why.So when I fell and skinned a knee No one came by to comfort me.

And when some bully boy at schoolWould pull a prank so mean and cruelI'd quickly learn to turn and quip"It doesn't hurt" and bite my lip.

So as I grew to reasoned yearsI learned to stifle any tears.Though "Be a big boy" it beganQuite soon I learned to "Be a man".

And I could play that stoic roleWhile storm and tempest wracked my soul.No pain nor setback could there beCould wrest one single tear from me.

Then one long night I stood nearby And helplessly watched my son die.And quickly found to my surprise That all that tearless talk was lies.

And still I cry and have no shame I cannot play that "big boy" game.And openly without remorse I let my sorrow take its course.

So those of you who can't abide A man you've seen who's often cried

Reach out to him with all your heart As one whose life's been torn apart.

For men do cry when they can see Their loss of immortality. And tears will come in endless streams When mindless fate destroys their dreams.

The Elephant in the Room

The Elephant in the Room" by Terry Kettering

There's an elephant in the room.
It is large and squatting, so it is hard to get around it.
Yet we squeeze by with "How are you?" and "I'm fine" ...
And a thousand other forms of trivial chatter.
We talk about the weather. We talk about work.
We talk about everything else -except the elephant in the room.

There's an elephant in the room.
We all know it is there. We are thinking about the elephant as we talk together.
It is constantly on our minds. For, you see, it is a very big elephant.
It has hurt us all.
But we do not talk about the elephant in the room.
Oh, please say his name. Oh, please say "Kevin" again.

Oh, please, let's talk about the elephant in the room.
For if we talk about his death,Perhaps we can talk about his life.
Can I say "Special K" to you and not have you look away?
For if I cannot, then you are leaving me
Alone ... In a room ...With an elephant.

Do Babies grow up in Heaven??

Do Babies Grow Up in Heaven?
by Unknown

Will I know my baby when we meet again?
Will he have grown up, not be the infant that died in my arms?
Will I recognize him, be able to find him among so many others?
Or will he be a stranger to me, not knowing who I am,or me knowing him?

Do babies grow up in heaven?
He never got his first tooth, or said his first words.
No first shoes, no Santa, no first birthday cake.
Will my son still be a baby when we meet again?

Do babies grow up in heaven?
Who sings him precious lullabies?
Who holds him close and kisses him everyday?
Who tells him constantly that they love him?

Do babies grow up in heaven?
When we next meet, will he know me?
Will he want to know me?
Will he be my son who died at three weeks, or a man, fully grown?
Will I have the joy of being a mother to my son for all eternity?

Do babies grow up in heaven?
Will I be able to hold him, love him, sing lullabies to him?
Will I be able to hold his tiny hand, or will it be a man's hand?
Will I ever have the joy that only holding my son can bring?
I need to know! In heaven, is my baby still a baby?