The topic of vulnerability keeps coming up lately, and I'm intrigued. I recently watched this TED Talk that basically says that human connection, belonging, creativity, and so many things all stem from vulnerability. You have to allow yourself to be seen-- really seen. And I agree. So, here's my step toward that.
I had a miscarriage in September of last year. It was early on in my pregnancy, and not many people knew I was pregnant. I have always been a firm believer in not telling anyone except maybe your sister/mother/one or two closest friends until after the first trimester. However many people you tell means that many people you have to un-tell if anything goes wrong! Yep. You might have to tell people that you had a miscarriage. That's painful. But you know what's worse? Not telling people. Pretending to the rest of the whole world that nothing happened, that your heart wasn't just crushed and your insides sucked out. Taking two days off of work and then going back, plastering on a smile, and continuing on with life. Having a coworker tell you a month later that you're "starting to show" with a knowing smile. That's harder, and it lasts longer.
I had just moved to a new state and pretty much no one in this state knew I was pregnant or that anything had happened. There were a couple who I told out of necessity. And do you know what they did? They watched my daughter, made me dinner, brought me chocolate and flowers, wrote me letters and gave me money for a date night. What about my friends and family who knew what I was going through? They also mailed letters and pictures, made phone calls, listened to and cried with me, made me a treasured stained glass butterfly to help my sorrows fly away (still hanging in my kitchen window). I had this outpouring of love and support from a few people, mostly people who lived far away. Why would I not want more of that? Why would I not want everyone else in my life to at least have an idea of what I was going through? If everyone at work had known what happened, they would have known not to tell me that I look pregnant. If the people I hung out with knew what happened, I wouldn't have had to fight back tears as much. I could have been real and honest. They could have shared their stories with me and given me hope. It would have helped me heal and form deeper, more meaningful relationships with these new friends of mine. We talk about other challenges and losses, but why is this category expected to be kept private?
So here I am now, feeling vulnerable, but thinking it will be worth it.
**I wrote this post a couple weeks ago, but chickened out and didn't publish it. It was supposed to be a way of taking my own advice and announcing my new pregnancy. I decided to wait just a few days...
-I got pregnant last July, and found out about the missed miscarriage (no symptoms, still felt pregnant) in September.
-It took until April for my body to get back to normal, then get pregnant again. This is not normal for me and I spent the last few months freaking out (but not telling anyone!) about not being able to get pregnant.
-I found out yesterday, on my daughter's 3rd birthday, that I've had another missed miscarriage.
-I still feel sick and tired and pregnant, because my body isn't sure what's going on. I'm in a weird state of "unpregnant" for the moment.
-The past year my body and mind have been consumed with pregnancy (being pregnant and nauseous, or depressed about not being pregnant, and repeat) and not talking about it with most of the people I'm with every day. That's silly.
I vote that we stop suffering through these things in silence, and that we share our experiences with each other. If you're pregnant and miserable, tell your friends so they can help or at least sympathize. If something goes wrong, they'll be there for you! If you want to get pregnant and it's all you can think about, talk about it with your friends just like you talk about all other parenting issues! If you're really private and don't like to talk about your problems, fine. But if you are dying for support and commiseration, but feel like the subject is uncomfortable, change that.
Wednesday, June 4, 2014
Monday, March 4, 2013
Sleep Magic
I have successfully no-cry-sleep-trained my daughter. Yes, she'll be two in a few months, but still. I feel like a new woman. I'd imagine that I could have done this at 12 months old or maybe even younger if I had believed it would work/had reached my wits end yet. But my wits actually lasted pretty long. I found it easier to nurse/snuggle/rock my baby back to sleep than do anything else. Giving her that comfort usually meant she, and everyone, would get back to sleep as soon as possible and everyone was pretty much happy. I read lots of great information in the No Cry Sleep Solution book, and I read this idea called The Sleep Lady Shuffle, but didn't really have the patience/diligence to commit to a plan.
*Background: As Claire got older, bedtime started getting pretty drawn out. Around 12 months old (maybe earlier?), I gave up on putting her in her crib. She always hated that process of being lowered into it. I would have to nurse/rock her to sleep and if I didn't wait long enough, she'd wake up during the transition and I'd have to start all over again. She had no problem being laid down onto any other bed, but a crib was unacceptable. So I pulled her mattress out and put it on the floor. I would put her on her bed, and lay on the floor next to her until she fell asleep. My Great Plan started here, but I wasn't consistent with it. It eventually turned into me laying my head on her pillow while she played with (pulled/twisted) my hair for up to 45 minutes and after a few months it started driving me completely crazy. I'd also sometimes fall asleep laying there and that would kind of ruin the rest of my night. I was growing weary of the idea that I either had to let her cry it out or live with this long, difficult process forever. I KNEW there was another option, but it took me a while to figure it out. So, if anyone reads this, or if I just read it again with my next kid, don't lose hope! You can find something that works for you and your baby if you understand what they need and are consistent.
*The Plan: First things first-- I had already spent many months getting her on a consistent sleep schedule/routine. I did anything I could to get her to fall asleep at a predictable time for naps and nighttime. At first, that meant sometimes even taking her for a drive to get her to take a nap at the right time. We have a consistent nighttime routine of jammies, brush teeth, bottle of water (only 4 oz or else she'd pee through her diaper), book/singing, bed. When I could stand the hair pulling and long bedtime no more, I thought back to the Sleep Lady Shuffle and decided it was time to get serious. I didn't follow it exactly, but used the general idea. The idea is to gradually move yourself further away from your kid as they fall asleep, so that eventually you can just walk right out after tucking them in and they won't care. I had by now moved her mattress onto a toddler bed, which made it easier to distance myself and to encourage her to actually stay in bed.
*The position and rules: I picked a position to put myself in every night that would allow her to be comforted by my presence, but nothing more. I sat on the floor with my head between my knees and didn't move. This is something I learned from Super Nanny-- just sit there and DON'T TALK. If they get up, put them back, without a word. Chris and I both I followed the same routine and rules for naps and night time. She would sometimes sit up and whine or talk and I would just ignore her. (She never really cried). If she didn't lay back down after about a minute, I'd turn and tell her "Shh. Lay down," and she usually would. Sometimes I'd have to tuck her back in, but I tried to avoid it.
*Phase 1: One night I just didn't let her play with my hair. I sat right next to her bed, in position. If she reached for my hair, I just moved her hand to her own head. I had to do it a few times, but with no real complaints. I did this for a few nights.
Phase 2: Same position, but moved out of reach. She reached for my hair, but eventually gave up when she couldn't reach it. Again, no real complaints. (A couple nights)
Phase 3: Same thing, but in the middle of the room. (A few nights)
Phase 4: Same thing, but by the door. (About a week)
Phase 5: Same thing, but outside the door with the door cracked. I couldn't believe she didn't complain about that one. (A few nights)
Then one night, my mother-in-law was at our house and starting to do dishes. I didn't want her to do all the dishes, so I just shut the door instead of sitting there with it cracked open. NOT A PEEP. And that was that! I can't believe what a champ Claire was through all of this. It was so easy. I am sure I could have moved through the steps faster. It took me about 3 weeks. Within a few nights, the bedtime routine had gone from 30-60 minutes to about 15. Now it can be 5 minutes if I want it to be. If she cries in the middle of the night (which is rare), I'll wait to see if she's going back to sleep on her own or not. If not, I go in and she walks right back to her bed, I tuck her in, and I leave. It's amazing.
I am thoroughly convinced that this was so easy and will hopefully continue to be easy because she has learned that bedtime is a sweet, comforting, relaxing time. There is no stress or fear associated with it. It has been gentle and smooth and it's never a fight to put her down. I give her a kiss and she giggles and that's usually our last interaction until morning.
Thursday, June 21, 2012
Dear Claire (1 year old)
I wanted to write you a letter to tell you what you were like at 1 year old. What a joy you have been to have around!! From the very beginning, you have always been Little Miss Social Butterfly. You make friends everywhere you go, smiling, waving, and climbing into people's laps. Strangers in the grocery store can't help but smile and stop to talk to you when you are so friendly to them.
You are brave, strong, and resilient. You have lots of energy and always want to explore. Right now you absolutely love the water and climbing all over things. At the pool you can tell you have Axelgard blood in you! You crawl around the wave pool at Seven Peaks, getting splashed in the face, and think it's great.
Your favorite things right now are playing in water, reading books, and climbing stairs. You are getting very good at communicating. Here are some gestures and other fun tricks you have:
-Wave when we say hi/bye/love you/see you later, or walk toward the door
-Nod and sometimes say "yeah" when we ask you a question (even if you don't really understand it and the answer should probably be "no")
-Shake head "no" for questions sometimes, but also if we say "no"
-Clap when we say clap/yay/good job
-Sign bird, all done, milk (you've been doing "bird" and "all done" on and off for a few weeks, but just today signed "milk" when I asked if you wanted some). Today you also signed "more" when Dad showed you how.
-Bounce when we ask you to bounce (you love bouncing on the bed)
-Show us your belly button when we ask you to
-Sit down when we ask you to (in the bathtub)
-The last couple days you've really been practicing standing up by yourself. You will stand up with both arms up in the air, and then sit down. The longest you've stood up by yourself was for almost 2 minutes last weekend in Jackson Hole with Grandma Janice, but you haven't repeated that one yet. Too bad we didn't get the camera out in time.
You have really been taking off the last few day as far as learning and growing goes. We are so proud of you. You have been a happy, healthy, sweet, beautiful baby. It has been amazing to watch you develop. Everyone comments on your friendly demeanor and your beautiful blue and green eyes. We love you so much and are excited to keep having fun with you!
Love,
Mom
Tuesday, October 18, 2011
3 and 4 months
Oh man. Claire is about a week away from being 5 months old, but I have to give a 3 and 4 month update.
3 months (this is what I remember/have videos of):
-Started really grabbing and playing with the toys on her bouncy seat
-First good laughs I think Sept. 7 and I got a video of it the next day. I'll post the videos separately because I have to get Chris to make the files small enough to upload. It was such a wonderful sound to hear from my baby girl that I cried and called my mom (Chris was in class).
-Sept. 14 rolled over to the left from back to tummy. I'll post a video of that too. Once she did it, she tried nonstop the rest of the day until she had it perfected.
-Took a trip to California that I already posted about
And here's her beautiful 3 month photo shoot (yes, the flower is large, but I've seen worse, so shut up).
4 months
weight 13.65 lbs (50%ile)
length 25 in (77%ile)
head 16.3 in (59%ile)
-Right before 4 months, on our trip to California, Claire got her first tooth. Then a week later she had another one right next to it. She was super tough and handled the teething very well. I totally didn't see it coming.
-She started eating solid foods. I really had no interest in starting this early. I thought people who were eager to start right at 4 months were crazy. I like nursing. Why complicate things? But then she started staring at my food and smacking her lips. She was sometimes acting unsatisfied after nursing. She was waking up more often. So I gave her some bananas. This is how she feels about them:
Since then, she has also tried carrots and avocado (things that we had on hand and are listed as good "first foods"). The favorite so far? Avocado. Who'da thunk?
In other news, this is how cute she is these days
She likes sticking out her tongue, playing peek-a-boo, sucking her thumb and other fingers, trying to sit up, and practicing rolling over. She's really good at going to the left from back to tummy. She sometimes tries to go to the right and then remembers that's not the easy way. She has successfully gotten back onto her back 4 or 5 times, but isn't very good at it. She usually just waves her arm around and then gives up:
We took a fall drive/walk up to Bridal Veil Falls park a couple weeks ago. It was beautiful.
3 months (this is what I remember/have videos of):
-Started really grabbing and playing with the toys on her bouncy seat
-First good laughs I think Sept. 7 and I got a video of it the next day. I'll post the videos separately because I have to get Chris to make the files small enough to upload. It was such a wonderful sound to hear from my baby girl that I cried and called my mom (Chris was in class).
-Sept. 14 rolled over to the left from back to tummy. I'll post a video of that too. Once she did it, she tried nonstop the rest of the day until she had it perfected.
-Took a trip to California that I already posted about
And here's her beautiful 3 month photo shoot (yes, the flower is large, but I've seen worse, so shut up).
4 months
weight 13.65 lbs (50%ile)
length 25 in (77%ile)
head 16.3 in (59%ile)
-Right before 4 months, on our trip to California, Claire got her first tooth. Then a week later she had another one right next to it. She was super tough and handled the teething very well. I totally didn't see it coming.
-She started eating solid foods. I really had no interest in starting this early. I thought people who were eager to start right at 4 months were crazy. I like nursing. Why complicate things? But then she started staring at my food and smacking her lips. She was sometimes acting unsatisfied after nursing. She was waking up more often. So I gave her some bananas. This is how she feels about them:
Since then, she has also tried carrots and avocado (things that we had on hand and are listed as good "first foods"). The favorite so far? Avocado. Who'da thunk?
In other news, this is how cute she is these days
She likes sticking out her tongue, playing peek-a-boo, sucking her thumb and other fingers, trying to sit up, and practicing rolling over. She's really good at going to the left from back to tummy. She sometimes tries to go to the right and then remembers that's not the easy way. She has successfully gotten back onto her back 4 or 5 times, but isn't very good at it. She usually just waves her arm around and then gives up:
We took a fall drive/walk up to Bridal Veil Falls park a couple weeks ago. It was beautiful.
Wednesday, September 28, 2011
California trip
Last week we took a trip to California for Claire to finally meet Aunt Brooke and her family. My parents rented a beautiful beach house right on the cliff over the ocean in Laguna Beach. There was a great view from the multi-level balcony where we could watch surfers, dolphines, and sunsets.
Here is the view from our staircase down to the beach (these pictures do not do this sunset justice):
Claire was an ANGEL on the plane both ways. What a blessing. On the way there our flight was right at bedtime. I was told by experienced mothers to nurse her during takeoff to help her ears pop. Well, I was anxious to get started fast enough and Claire was anxious to get started because she was ready to go to sleep. So I totally jumped the gun as soon as the plane started moving (only to taxi around for 20 minutes) and she was done and sound asleep by the time we started to take off. Luckily, I popped the binkie in her mouth and all was well. The best part was that they switched my seat to the second to last row where I had the whole row to myself. So once Claire was asleep, she just slept on the seat next to me. On the flight back, Claire made sure to win everyone's heart as we were boarding the plane. I had her in the front pack facing out and she smiled at everyone who would look at her. Lots of people commented on how social, aware, and well-mannered she is and how fortunate I am. Then she just slept again the whole flight!
It stayed pretty cloudy for much of our trip, but we got down to the beach a couple times anyway. Claire likes to sleep through a lot of her "firsts" like seeing the Tetons and seeing the ocean. At least with the ocean, she took a glance before falling asleep.
I dug a little seat for her in the sand, since she always wants to be sitting up:
That night we had a bonfire on the beach and roasted hot dogs and marshmallows.
Other than that, we shopped, hung out at the house, and checked out possible sites for the Hansen family reunion next summer. Brady and Zach were super sweet with Claire. Brady really loved her and constantly said "baby" any time her saw her or me. He was very concerned that she always have her "mimi" and he helped her put it in and take it out.
And these are just some happy pictures taken in the car at some point:
OH! And we can't forget the biggest news of this trip. Claire cut her first tooth. Seriously. She's so grown up. She's been really great, too. The only real symptom was some major congestion. One day she was sucking on my knuckle and I just noticed something sharp, looked in, and there it was. What a big girl.
Here is the view from our staircase down to the beach (these pictures do not do this sunset justice):
Claire was an ANGEL on the plane both ways. What a blessing. On the way there our flight was right at bedtime. I was told by experienced mothers to nurse her during takeoff to help her ears pop. Well, I was anxious to get started fast enough and Claire was anxious to get started because she was ready to go to sleep. So I totally jumped the gun as soon as the plane started moving (only to taxi around for 20 minutes) and she was done and sound asleep by the time we started to take off. Luckily, I popped the binkie in her mouth and all was well. The best part was that they switched my seat to the second to last row where I had the whole row to myself. So once Claire was asleep, she just slept on the seat next to me. On the flight back, Claire made sure to win everyone's heart as we were boarding the plane. I had her in the front pack facing out and she smiled at everyone who would look at her. Lots of people commented on how social, aware, and well-mannered she is and how fortunate I am. Then she just slept again the whole flight!
It stayed pretty cloudy for much of our trip, but we got down to the beach a couple times anyway. Claire likes to sleep through a lot of her "firsts" like seeing the Tetons and seeing the ocean. At least with the ocean, she took a glance before falling asleep.
I dug a little seat for her in the sand, since she always wants to be sitting up:
That night we had a bonfire on the beach and roasted hot dogs and marshmallows.
Other than that, we shopped, hung out at the house, and checked out possible sites for the Hansen family reunion next summer. Brady and Zach were super sweet with Claire. Brady really loved her and constantly said "baby" any time her saw her or me. He was very concerned that she always have her "mimi" and he helped her put it in and take it out.
And these are just some happy pictures taken in the car at some point:
OH! And we can't forget the biggest news of this trip. Claire cut her first tooth. Seriously. She's so grown up. She's been really great, too. The only real symptom was some major congestion. One day she was sucking on my knuckle and I just noticed something sharp, looked in, and there it was. What a big girl.
Monday, August 8, 2011
Claire at 2 months
I'm very sad to report that our camera charger has been misplaced. These photos are from a weird mix of the camera, my cell phone, and friends' iphones. Nevertheless, here's a 2-month update.
Most common comments made about Claire by others:
#1 She's so beautiful!
(Here's proof)
#2 So strong for her age!
(Here's proof)
#3 Such long toes!
(No proof. They're normal length.)
#4 Is her hair red?
(Kind of... in certain light... over here it is...)
#5 She looks like her daddy
(We tried taking pictures of them to compare, but they didn't turn out very well.)
#5.1 Clint, Kelli, Debi, and I have all independently commented that she looks like Brooke's kids (particularly Brady, especially with a binkie in her mouth).
Observations from mom and dad:
-We agree with all of the above, except the toes thing. It is said by almost everyone, but I think they are perfectly normal and beautiful.
-Claire LOVES being outside. I learned this early on, but it is made clear every single day. If she's fussy, take a walk. If we have a BBQ up in the mountains, she will peacefully stare at trees for 3 hours. Have a hard time putting her down in her bed for naps? Take her camping and she'll nap beautifully in a shaded pack 'n play.
-Claire LOVES the bath. She kicks and makes huge splashes. She HATES getting out. I'm trying to determine how much all that joy experienced in the bath is worth all the sadness of getting out.
-Claire loves her binkie and sucking on fingers. She found her thumb a couple times:
-Claire has two favorite ways to sleep, both of which make her look like a little frog:
Milestones:
-Lots and lots of smiles with happy coos and almost giggles. We'll get a real laugh any day now (Chris said she totally laughed in her sleep while we were camping).
-Her face is getting very expressive
-1st camping trip and second trip to Jackson Hole at 9 weeks old (sad to have no pics). She did GREAT.
-2 month check-up stats: 11.4 lbs, 23.4 inches long. Wearing 0-3 month clothes and just barely moved into size 2 diapers. Lesson learned: do not buy giant boxes of diapers when they are this young because they'll grow out of them too quickly.
-1st time swimming. We went to 7 Peaks and swam in the wave pool with cousin Caroline and Aunt Karen while daddy went on the slides with the big boys.
-1st concert. We went to see Bright Eyes at the Twilight Concert Series in Salt Lake. I was a little too worried about it being too loud and people smoking nearby to really enjoy the concert. Claire didn't mind though. She laid on the blanket and people-watched, then fell asleep in Uncle J's arms.
Most common comments made about Claire by others:
#1 She's so beautiful!
(Here's proof)
#2 So strong for her age!
(Here's proof)
#3 Such long toes!
(No proof. They're normal length.)
#4 Is her hair red?
(Kind of... in certain light... over here it is...)
#5 She looks like her daddy
(We tried taking pictures of them to compare, but they didn't turn out very well.)
#5.1 Clint, Kelli, Debi, and I have all independently commented that she looks like Brooke's kids (particularly Brady, especially with a binkie in her mouth).
Observations from mom and dad:
-We agree with all of the above, except the toes thing. It is said by almost everyone, but I think they are perfectly normal and beautiful.
-Claire LOVES being outside. I learned this early on, but it is made clear every single day. If she's fussy, take a walk. If we have a BBQ up in the mountains, she will peacefully stare at trees for 3 hours. Have a hard time putting her down in her bed for naps? Take her camping and she'll nap beautifully in a shaded pack 'n play.
-Claire LOVES the bath. She kicks and makes huge splashes. She HATES getting out. I'm trying to determine how much all that joy experienced in the bath is worth all the sadness of getting out.
-Claire loves her binkie and sucking on fingers. She found her thumb a couple times:
-Claire has two favorite ways to sleep, both of which make her look like a little frog:
Milestones:
-Lots and lots of smiles with happy coos and almost giggles. We'll get a real laugh any day now (Chris said she totally laughed in her sleep while we were camping).
-Her face is getting very expressive
-1st camping trip and second trip to Jackson Hole at 9 weeks old (sad to have no pics). She did GREAT.
-2 month check-up stats: 11.4 lbs, 23.4 inches long. Wearing 0-3 month clothes and just barely moved into size 2 diapers. Lesson learned: do not buy giant boxes of diapers when they are this young because they'll grow out of them too quickly.
-1st time swimming. We went to 7 Peaks and swam in the wave pool with cousin Caroline and Aunt Karen while daddy went on the slides with the big boys.
-1st concert. We went to see Bright Eyes at the Twilight Concert Series in Salt Lake. I was a little too worried about it being too loud and people smoking nearby to really enjoy the concert. Claire didn't mind though. She laid on the blanket and people-watched, then fell asleep in Uncle J's arms.
Wednesday, July 13, 2011
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