I'm back...

Hello everyone!  I've been MIA for a few years now, but I'm going to try and write more frequently again. I know...I tried that before and here we are almost three years later!  Life does get busy, but I really find this to be my best outlet. Yes, you guys are my outlet 😄

So life has been busy. To sum it all up, our oldest is now 6, the twins are 3 and we have a new addition to the family - she is 5months. 

Life is busy and hectic and wonderful. We are truly very blessed. I am thankful EVERY. SINGLE. DAY. (period)

I want to use this blog as a sounding board for how wonderful life has now become, but also for how hard it is. I still miss the boys...we have four beautiful girls, what are the odds that we wouldn't have another boy!  I work outside the home full time and send my kids to daycare. THAT is hard on so many levels, and it's what I'm struggling with right now. More on that later. 

Catch me up on where each of you are...if anyone still checks here anymore!

Daycare for the twins - April 24th

The twins have started daycare after 11 months of being home (or in the NICU). They were not pleased. Leaving them with pretty much complete strangers wasn't my favorite thing either. However, this time it was easier since I had done it with R years ago. Plus since they are older, that makes me more at ease too.

They screamed when I left - I even spent about 20 minutes trying to get them familiar with their surroundings. And they were screaming when I picked them up too. There were a few naps in between those times, so I know they didn't cry the WHOLE time. It's hard on a Mommy's heart though.

Sitting...crawling...

The advances ate coming so fast these days. The girls are sitting unsupported these days. They both learned pretty quick how to get back to their stomachs from a sitting position. Mommy didn't have much warning in that - I had expected that I could place them sitting and run to the next room real quick. I remember riley giving me a week or two of that ability. I was wrong, not sure I even got a day.
They are mobile now too. It started with rolling wherever they wanted to go. Now Reagan has moved to army crawling. Sydney is still rolling for mobility, but she gets up on all fours sometimes and rocks. I know it will be any day now that they both are crawling. Hope my house is still baby proof!

Brayden's 5th birthday

Time really does fly by. I truly can't believe it's been 5 years since Brayden's birth. Losing Brayden shook me to the very core. It changed me. The loss of one child (in Cooper) was unthinkable. The loss of a second, less than 9 months later was completely unfathomable. I had no idea how far the depths of sadness could reach or what I would question or how mad I could get.

We drove to the hospital once I realized I was having contractions instead of just thinking I was constipated from bedrest. I remember being calm, though in pain, and thinking that they would just give me drugs to stop the contractions. My water hadn't broken like with Cooper, so it could be stopped - or so I thought. I was wrong. They didn't do anything besides check me because I was only 21w5d. Our second baby boy was going to be born and I couldn't stop it. So I made the NICU team come in. Just in case our baby was that miracle. After all we deserved a miracle. We had already been through this. So surely God would grant us a miracle. That was my train of thought, my way of holding on...but I knew.

When he was born, I didn't even let the NICU team see him. I wanted him with me, living, as long as possible. He gripped our fingers. He knew us. Because we had already been through it, we knew what to do. We took pictures and nuzzled him as long as possible. I went home the next afternoon with a box, not a baby. I went home completely broken not knowing how I'd ever face the days again. I also went home determined to beat incompetent cervix. I contacted the doctor that placed my TAC that night.

I remember vividly the nights that my husband would hold me while I wept in bed. I seriously wept. My entire body would shake. I could hold out most of the time during daylight hours and in front of others, but when we laid down for the night I just felt so empty. And I was so very mad. And I didn't understand why we had to lose another child. So that's when it all came out. Even now, I still don't have answers and I still cry. It's still not fair, but time has dulled the pain some.

Today is a day of celebration though. It's Brayden's birthday. And now I know how truly amazing any birth is, so it is worth celebrating. Yes, there are sad memories associated with this day. There are still a lot of questions...but I cannot dwell on those or the past. One day I will get to eat cake with Brayden on his birthday. For now he will just share with his big brother.

We love you Brayden!

Pumping in the airport...

In a bathroom stall...again! This is my third pump in an airport, and my second pump in a bathroom stall! I hope this will be my last. It's ridiculous how early I arrive for my flight to make sure I can make it through security with my pump stuff, eat, then pump, and board on time. I'm so glad I'm able to do this for the babies, but it's a lot of work.

Looking back on this, it will be supremely funny. Right now it's actually kind of funny. I can only imagine what the other women in the restroom think that sound is. To me it's similar to a purr...

Pumping on the airport

That's what I'm doing right now! It's crazy, but I'm in an unused terminal. Yesterday I pumped in the bathroom before my flight. Not the ideal situation, but it worked.

Pumping while traveling is not fun. It might be more manageable if I had less pumps per day, or if I hadn't been in an all day meeting. I managed though. My supply is low since I'm a bit dehydrated...so I'm drinking tons of water.

So we managed to get the girls enough milk before I left. It was not easy, but with the single formula feed each day it worked. I leave again Monday, so hopefully we can get ahead again...it's going to be a busy pumping weekend!

Overnight travel

Last night was the first night I've spent away from the twins since they were born. I've survived so far. I'm on a business trip and won't be home until after they go down tonight. I'll be speeding home from the airport to make sure I'm in time for their dream feed though. I do miss them, but I have been busy. So the good thing is I haven't had a spare second to worry or get too homesick. Total time away will be 39 hours or so!