Expectations

Expectation: a strong belief that something will happen or be the case in the future. “reality had not lived up to expectations”
It’s the morning of Christmas Eve and I’ve been up since 5:00 am. As per usual I’m scrolling Facebook and I’m reading posts about the Holidays, families, pregnancies, babies, engagements, wedding anniversaries, the Savior, wacky holiday parties and I am filled with many different thoughts and feelings.
In a week and a half I will be 40 years old. A year ago I was prepping to run a half marathon, and now I’ve gained almost 30 lbs and probably couldn’t run a mile- to be honest I’m disappointed in myself. I had come so far and made so many positive changes. But after the half was accomplished I sunk into a deep depression that has been hard to shake. But still, life marches on and this past year has been filled with beauty, wonderful moments and memories and plenty of hardship. (The most annoying thing about losing a lot of weight and then gaining some back is I really don’t have clothes that fit anymore because I gave them all away in good faith...) 
Anyway, back to Facebook- comparison always is a dangerous road to tread. Don’t get me wrong, my life is pretty sweet- but as I rapidly approach my birthday I am faced with the cold reality that I will never have children and will never be a mother. Now, you may feel the need to point out that I am still a maternal figure in many lives and I’m a dog mama and that I have much to contribute. I know all this and I’m grateful for these realities. But this morning I just need to mourn the loss of an expectation for my life. 
You know the phrase- I didn’t know what love and sacrifice was until I became a mother or motherhood is the highest calling or being a mom is what we are made to do or there is no more noble pursuit than motherhood... all of these wonderful sentiments hurt my heart. Because, you see there is extreme danger in a single story. Motherhood is amazing I’m sure, but it is not the highest and most noblest thing there is. It is simply a thing, a path that some choose, a path that some have thrust upon them and a path that will never belong to some regardless of the hours they spend pleading on their knees...
What’s my point in all this? I don’t know exactly. I guess it’s the fact that certain life experiences does not make a person better or more noble or more fulfilled than others. It’s just their path. I may never know what it’s like to sacrifice for my own child but you may never know what it’s like to create a product for hundreds of kids to shine, learn about themselves, discover talents and be successful. How is that less than? (And why do I feel like it is perceived as being less than?)
Anyway, sometimes expectations and reality clashing really hurt. I always try to make the best of my situation and be loving and teachable- but this morning, right now in this moment- I feel sad. Sad that I’ll never hold my own child in my arms. Sad that I will be 40 years old soon and my window to be a mom is almost closed. Sad that all the things that moms talk about will never be my reality (however I guess to put it into perspective, I will also not know all the stuff that really sucks)... I guess that’s the point, there are two sides to every situation- the beauty and the hardship. I always thought the day would come when I would meet the right guy for me and I would be able to have my own family with a husband and kids... and I still might, but the biological clock sure is ticking away. Tick tock, tick tock, tick tock...
Well, that’s enough of that- I just needed to allow myself to feel this sorrow.
Back to another matter at hand, my health. Like I said, I’ve gained almost 30lbs in the past year (10 of which have been in the past month) and I feel like a failure, especially with all my touting of running the half marathon and what I learned. Yes, I did accomplish a huge goal for myself, one that I am incredibly proud of. But then I struggled, hoo boy did I struggle. I justified choices and fell back into decades long habits and now I feel it in my almost 40 year old body. Why is it that 40 is considered over the hill? Ugh, so annoying- I remember being a teenager when my parents turned 40 and thinking that was soooooooooo sooooooooo old. It’s just feels like it’s this dark cloud looming over me.
So what now? Well, two days ago I spent about 45 minutes on the elliptical machine (mostly because I am in an Apple Watch activity challenge with my friend and he was getting dangerously close to getting a head of me for the week, so I had to get in a workout) and while I was working out, I had  some time to thing about my life. Regrets are hard because we can never get that time back. And yes, I ran a half marathon, and yes, afterward I’ve struggled and yes I am where I am right now. But what do I do next? As I was thinking, I thought about the word renaissance and how it means rebirth. I’ve decided going over the hill will mark the beginning of my renaissance. What is, is- what has been, was- but what will be is yet to be determined. Speaking of determination, I have no desire to buy new clothes, so for the next little while forgive me as my clothing is a little snug, but I am on my way to taking better care of myself.
I guess my point in all of this is that everyone, regardless of their circumstances, need to try to find joy in their journey. And that no story, no one, no situation is better or worse than anyone else’s. We are all just trying to make it, we all want to be loved and validated for who we are, and we need to extend that love and validation to everyone, especially those who don’t fit into societal or cultural boxes.  Heck, while we at it, we should also extend that love to those who are firmly rooted in the boxes, because they need that validation too.
Well, I hope everyone has a Merry Christmas and that we can all be a little more kind to everyone and especially to ourselves.

What I Wished I’d Known as a Single LDS Gal in my Twenties-

This morning I had the opportunity to do hair for my cute friend and former student Mara as she heads off to a day of wedding fun for her former mission companion. I got done pretty early and so we had a chance to chat and catch up. For Mara, she is in the thick of the years of Mormon weddings (especially in Utah) and it can be a hard time for the single girl. I remember being in my early twenties and just having a stock pile of wedding gifts in my bedroom for the receptions that seemed to happen every weekend. I remember going to the weddings and thinking what I would do differently. I remember judging the wedding dresses as I formulated the perfect dress in my mind. I remember the years passing and trends changing and weddings becoming less and the increase of baby showers, the divorces, the baptisms, the weddings of my “older” friends. I witnessed it all- and remained single.
One of the central tenents of the LDS faith is eternal families. Which is awesome and beautiful but isn’t always the reality for everyone. And when you don’t fit the ‘mold’ you can feel discouraged and like there is something wrong with you. Why does it seem like everyone around you finding their happy every after except you? It hurts and it’s hard- especially when in your heart you have the righteous desire to take that leap of faith into marriage. It can be hard to keep bitterness at bay and it is hard to not compare yourself to friends.
In January  I will celebrate my 40th birthday- never in a million years would I have thought I would still be single at this age. I’ve learned a few things over the past 20+ years of being a single LDS girl.
1-Don’t compare your timeline to anyone else
Look, it is so easy to compare yourself to everyone around you. Especially when they seem to be getting everything you want. It’s super hard and it sucks. But, guess what? There is no right time to do anything once you’re and adult. Growing up there are milestone ages (kindergarten at age 5, baptism at 8, young women’s at 12, dating at 16, graduation at 18, mission at 19...) but once you can rent a car at 25 (that’s when I officially call you an adult) you have run out of those specific milestones that are associated with age. At what age do you get married? Graduate college? Move away? Have babies? There is no set timeline, so don’t worry about it. Instead just set goals and work toward them. Don’t get stuck in the trap of comparison- you will always lose. I have learned that events in life happen when they are supposed to and I am so grateful. The experiences on my timeline have made me into the person I am today and I am pretty amazing.
2- Get an Education
First off- college is an incredible experience and I highly recommend it to everyone.  You learn so many important things about yourself and develop life skills that you will carry with you when you leave. You cultivate lasting relationships and friendships and you learn who you are. In addition, your mind is opened to so many possibilities as you pursue future goals. You have little control over your timeline for marriage, but you do have control over whether you get an education or not. You never know what the future may hold and you need an education. Plus, education opens your mind to new ideas and people and experiences and makes you feel less alone. Don’t pass up this opportunity.
3- Accept love as it is presented to you
This is something that I have recently adopted as one of my mantras. We live in a culture that idolizes romantic love. But when you are someone who lacks romantic love, you can feel broken and like you’re missing a basic need in life. It can be very lonely and desperate at times. I’ve gone years without romance in my life and it’s hard not to look at loving couples without envy. But this is what I’ve learned- again- don’t compare your experiences to anyone else’s. When you are around a loving couple (especially on their wedding day) just bask in the glory of love. It’s a celebration- so celebrate that you get to feel an extension of that love! Don’t be sad that it isn’t you- just be happy you get to be a part of it! It’s ok to feel that pang in your heart because you’re alone (that means your hope is still alive and that’s a good thing) but don’t focus on it- it does you no good.
Start looking for all the other ways you are loved and allow yourself to feel, embrace and accept that love. Over the years I have had many students who have loved me and I have loved them. I may not have my own children, but I have hundreds of students who have become like children to me and
who have grown my heart. Over the years I’ve celebrated with them, cried with them, counseled them, cheered with them and loved with them. I am abundantly blessed. I have two amazing dogs that provide me with a perfect love and companionship in my home. The love of a dog is definitely true love. :)
I have wonderful friends who are ALWAYS there for me and with whom I share many adventures.
I have an eclectic and beautiful family that love me unconditionally.
I have a loving Heavenly Father who has my back and a plan for me.
Love is all around me- I just need to open my eyes and bask in it.
4- Root your faith
This can be a rough one. As so much of the LDS faith is centered around families, sometimes not having a spouse or a family can make you feel like an outsider. I remember sitting in church, alone, and looking at all the families and just feeling sorry for myself. I went through a period of time where I questioned if I really wanted to keep going when I was consistently reminded of what I was lacking. There were a lot of hard years. But then I looked around me at the tapestry that is the members of the church and I realized that NO ONE fits the perfect mold. But we all have something to contribute. Right after I graduated from college, I was called to be Relief Society President in a newly formed singles ward. Shortly after being called, I was meeting with the bishopric and we discussed the focus of the ward. The bishop said that the focus should be getting people married and I, politely, disagreed. I told him marriage is inevitable for some because of the nature of the singles ward. Instead, I felt, the focus should be in building testimonies in our Savior. Because then- regardless of life circumstances- you will have that anchor that will carry you through.
Another thing I’ve learned on my journey is that faith is a personal thing. You will have many people in your life who will make different choices than you and you may find that your faith will change too. Just know that’s ok. Don’t judge others and their journey- instead love them and don’t judge them. But root yourself in what resonates for you.
For me. I realized the reason I go to church is to draw closer to my Savior which has nothing to do with my marital status. Once I let go of that comparison, I found my church attendance to be much more fulfilling and personal. As a single girl I have something of value to contribute.
5- Travel 
Take advantage of the opportunity to travel! Save your money and go and explore! Get outside of your bubble and talk to people from different walks of life. Experience new cultures and new places! The world is wide and full of beautiful things- go find them.
6- Take care of yourself 
Health is probably the most important thing in life. Get in the habit of exercising, making healthy eating choices. If you do, your future self will come back and high- five your present self. Health is a habit you cultivate. Make sure you develop good grooming habits,  Be your best self- keep learning and growing. Feed your body, mind and spirit.
7- Find your tribe
This one ties into accepting love as it is presented to you. But it bears repeating- as a single gal, you will be alone a lot. You will attend some events alone, go to the movies alone- sometimes travel alone. So find your tribe. Find the people who ‘get you'. Also, don't be afraid to add diversity to your tribe. Find people of different backgrounds and learn from them. Keep and open mind and heart and you will never truly be alone.
8- Breathe
Learn to love your life and just enjoy it. Take the steps each and every day to cultivate beauty and wonder. Feel the feels, enjoy the sunshine, remember who you are, don't compare and just breathe and be thankful you have the amazing opportunities that you have. And don't forget, there is nothing wrong with you- your life is your own and it is beautiful.

What I Learned From Running a Half Marathon

If you would have told me one year ago that I would be running the Disney World half marathon the day after my birthday, I would've told you that you were crazy. And yet, that's exactly what I did yesterday.

 

Right now I am waiting in the Orlando airport for my return trip home. On the way to the airport my friend Amy asked me what I learned from training for and running the half and if there was anything I would've done differently. As I pondered her question, I couldn't think of anything I would've done differently. I was scared out of my mind to do this race, but that fear propelled me forward. Almost every morning when the alarm went off at 4:30 I said the same thing to myself, "Well this half marathon isn't going to train itself." And then off to the gym I'd go. All I wanted was to finish the race and once I decided that was my goal, I took all the necessary steps to do everything I could to make sure my goal was in my reach. It stressed me out, and for the past month, it was my main focus as I amped up my workouts and restricted my diet to do one last effort to be in the best shape possible.

I'm glad I was scared, because that fear gave me the drive to train. I'm glad I took the time to prepare my body (even though I am super sore today). So what did I learn?

I am capable of more than I thought possible. Like I said earlier, if you had told me a year ago I would have done what I did I would've laughed. I've always been the fat girl with the great personality. Being placed in this box has plagued me my whole life. The chubby girl with the pretty face. Although I would try to get out of that box, I was trapped by my own self- imposed limitations. I remember looking at others and longing to be them sometimes, with their lean bodies. A year ago I took the reins of my health and joined Weight Watchers. It was not (and still isn't) easy- but then again, most things worth doing and having aren't easy. As I started to see success, I remembered a bucket list item that had been floating in the back of my head for years. I wanted to run the Disney World half marathon. It was a crazy idea for someone who had NEVER wanted to run. But for some reason, the thought and goal was there and seeemingly unachievable. I watched my friend Amy run some half marathons and I thought ok, now is the time. 9 months ago I registered and paid for the race. I remember looking at the run Disney website and being terrified. I watched a YouTube video of someone's highlights from the race and cried. Cried because I never thought I'd be able to be the person to do it, cried because I wanted to be the person to do it. So I signed up and subsequently freaked out. Then life happened- I had a crazy year- my house flooded- I was homeless and I earned my masters degree. But I persisted and did something I never dreamed I would actually be able to do. It's opened numerous doors and possibilities for me.

Preparation is the key. When when I decided to run the half, I found a 20 week training schedule online. Because it was 9 months away, at first I was half hearted with my training. But soon the time came where I was 20 weeks away and I knew it was now or never. (The 20 weeks also happened to be the first week of school). And so I got up almost every morning and worked out, I went for long distance runs on Saturday morning, I ran at the Olympic Oval and watched the speed skaters practice. I began to believe that I actually might be able to do this. I also had a horrible workout on Thanksgiving where I seriously doubted myself and my abilities. But, still, I persisted. I always tell my students that the most important thing they can do is prepare, that they have no control over the outcome. I realized that I may or may not finish the race- but that each day I would try to do everything in my power to prepare. That it wouldn't be perfect, but I would make sure I was prepared.

You don't have to be perfect to run the race. When I envisioned the people who would run the race, I pictured perfect athletes with toned bodies. I had been told that people of all different sizes and shapes and ages would be there but I didn't believe it. I was wrong. It was so heartening to me to see the diversity of the people running. Imperfection was everywhere and it was inspiring. People who I never would've pegged as runners crossed the finish line with me. It was awesome. Oftentimes we put off pursuing a goal because we aren't there yet (aka aren't perfect)- but it's ok to be imperfect and not be the ideal. Just do it anyway, just 'run the race' whatever your race may be. Just do it!

Change your life today. About a year and a half ago I was returning from a trip to Orlando and was in first class! I had some skymiles, so I decided to upgrade, mainly because I was afraid of traveling and being uncomfortable because I was so large. I knew that my body wouldn't be in someone's personal space if I was in first class. So, I settled in and pulled my tray table from the side and discovered it barely fit over my body. One breath and the tray would move- it broke my heart because I was sick of living this way and I wanted to make a change. I didn't know what to do started thinking of different options. I finally decided to start Weight Watchers with a new found determination. I shared each step of my journey on Instagram for accountability. And I learned that there is no perfect time to change your life, there is just today. If you want to make a change, create a plan and then do it.

Just keep going. Y'all, running a half marathon was HARD! During the first mile I was plagued with thoughts of self doubt as my freezing body (it was 35 degrees when the race started) and already I was in pain. But the adrenaline of the moment, plus the thousands or people kept me moving. Soon, I fell into a rhythm and watched the sun rise. I watched the miles tick by, I ran through the Magic Kingdom at Disneyworld! I received countless texts of encouragement from my dear friends. I listened to music that made my heart happy. I ran some of the race with Amy by my side. I felt lifted by all the onlookers and their words of encouragement. I started to marvel at what my body was capable of. Then as I passed mile 10, it started to get harder- especially struggled mile 11 & 12. My legs were burning, we were running up a freeway ramp and all I wanted to do was stop. But, I looked around me at all my fellow athletes and I just kept going, and going, and going. When I crossed the finish line it was incredibly surreal and emotional. I have no idea what my face looked like, but I'm sure it wasn't pretty. All those months of training, all those years of being the fat girl, all those times I doubted myself- that girl crossed the finish line of a freaking half marathon.