I'm Sorry, E

So tomorrow is E's 2nd birthday. Hard to believe. I suppose last year was as hard as this one, but my memory doesn't recall this crushing irritable bitchiness I feel today. When E was born, I held her. Barely. I kissed her. Barely. I'm ashamed I didn't hold her more closely. Kiss her all over. Rock her. Have the professional photographer come. I didn't feel I was worthy of any of it. But she was. And I am so sorry.

Four

I knew there was a reason I went offline from chat on F.book long ago. Somehow, with our new computer, I ended up back online: "Hey! I haven't seen you forever! OMG, we're having our fourth too!" That was the shortest chat access ever. Click. Delete. Inner dialogue: "Fuck you, idiot! I have five children. Catch up, Sweetie."

Baby

I sound like a broken record with my apologies, but I do feel remiss not posting this sooner. As you know, I have infrequent computer access and cannot blog often. Plus, I started homeschooling L (yikes!), O started school, and N started preschool. So, please forgive me. :)

Our sweet baby boy, F, was born Tuesday, August 24th, at 11:49 AM. He weighed 7 lbs., 8 oz. and was 21 inches long.

F lost far too much weight upon his discharge from the hospital and he also became very jaundiced. We had to bring him to the doctor for weight checks and blood tests nearly every day. His poor little heels got very sore from all the poking. To remedy his weight loss and yellowing, I must pump, nurse, and supplement every two hours. He finally got a normal blood test result last week and he finally surpassed his birth weight on Tuesday of this week. I've dropped the supplementing, but I'm still pumping to ensure my milk supply and to try and track (to a degree) just how much he's consuming.

I will soon post more about his birth because I feel it's important to share my experience of giving birth to a live baby after the tragic experience of birthing E, born still.