The Worst Year...Finally Over

2013.

Wow. What a hell of a year.

It's interesting to see where my life has gone over the past several years. Yesterday I was scanning through some of my posts back from two and a half, maybe three years ago. How young and innocent I was. I wasn't exactly all butterflies and rainbows, but I definitely had that much softer edge than I do now. Not to say that I'm all B.A. or anything now (there are still a few words I don't just throw out there so easily), but I'm definitely a bit more hardened than I was two and half years ago.

Let's take a look at the past year for me. A year ago I was a very depressed missionary. On January 2, 2013 I was "emergency" transferred from Denver to Aurora to be closer to a therapist and doctor. I was barely functional. I was inexplicably unhappy and I was really not liking my life. The first few months of the year were a roller coaster ride. I was at my lowest of lows in January. I started taking antidepressants on February 1st and the next week was possibly even lower than my lowest of lows of January. (Seriously, antidepressants are a "b." Avoid if at all possible.) After a few weeks I started to do a lot better. I was actually doing really well for a few weeks there at the end of February, the beginning of March. Things were looking up. And then I crashed again. And I had to spend the end of March making probably the hardest decision of my life: going home from my mission 3 transfers early.

So, on April 10th I arrived home in Atlanta, Georgia. I spent 6 weeks at home, feeling well adjusted, not so much depressed as bored. I coordinated with Aaron and McKensey, two of my best friends at the time, to be in Provo at the end of May. McKensey and I moved back into Roman Gardens (the first mistake of 2013 that we made together) to be near Marjorie. For the first week, things were great. Aaron and I were super excited to be together again after writing to each other for 2 years. It was exciting and fun and I was really optimistic about the next year, despite being unemployed. Well, it took less than two weeks for my world to crumble.

Aaron, the guy who was my best friend and the love of my life (I thought) destroyed my heart. He told me he wasn't ready to date me seriously, or really anybody at the time. He was nowhere near being ready to get married anytime soon at all. (I swear this this what he said to me.) For a couple weeks I held on, probably too tightly. I was going to make him see that he didn't want to date anybody except for me. And then finally I realized I couldn't be the one chasing him. I don't want a man who I had to do all the work to get. I didn't want to be the girl who won only because she wouldn't leave him alone. I want a man who's going to be desperately chasing after me, doing all he can to get me to want to be with him (of course in a non-creepy way). So I made the decision one night that I was never going to be the one who contacted him again. If he wanted to see me or talk to me, he was going to do something about it. And that night was the last time we ever did anything together.

I had a really low point there in the middle of the summer. I was absolutely heart broken; I was poor; I was unemployed; I was relatively friendless (seriously I can count on one hand the people I would consider my friends from the summer); it was bloody hot in my apartment with it being 100ºF+ outside and a broken a/c; I was a recently returned missionary; and I was still clinically depressed. Seriously, there was one day where I had stayed up till like 5 am or something doing who knows what, and then I refused to get out of bed until 7 pm that night because I had absolutely no reason to wake up or get up. I was so messed up.

Then at the beginning of July I got a job interview for a 6th grade teaching position up in West Jordan. The principal basically hired me on the spot and I was so excited. My sucky life was going to be over! Ha. I will admit it got a lot better. I was able to refocus my life on my new job. McKensey and I got an apartment in Draper and we were so excited to get out of Provo and try our luck in Draper.

I can sum up the past six months very concisely: the experience has fallen way short of expectations. Doesn't matter which experience I'm talking about. They've all fallen short. Our ward sucks. We have less friends than we did in Provo over the summer. I haven't been on a date since August. My job is more demanding and harder than I could ever imagine. Even though I got over Aaron back in July, I'm still not over "it" and it feels like my heart will never be quite the same again. (Oh, I didn't mention that in July he started dating some girl, they were engaged two month later, and just got married. Yeah, "not ready" my...butt.)

I'm sure I could find a lot of other things to complain about the past year. But, that's not the kind of person that I want to be. I've found that it is the person I have been over the last year, and I want that to change this upcoming year. Yeah, 2013 has been horrible. But that doesn't mean that I have to remember it as such a negative year. I should remember the positive things that did happen (even if they were few and far between) and even better, I should think about the positive things that came from the horrible ones.

1. I grew closer to the Lord than ever before because of my depression. And then again during my heartache.
2. I was able to come home from my mission with positive feelings about the time I had spent in the field. I wasn't bitter or upset. I was grateful for the time I had been a missionary and for everything that my experience had done for me and for all of the great things I was able to do to help the Lord expand His work in Colorado.
3. I got to spend two and a half transfers with an amazing companion who was one of the best friends I could have had at the time. Thanks Pulsi:)
4. I got to fall in love with Aurora, Colorado and the people there.
5. I was able to work off most, if not all, of my mission weight in the six weeks I was home.
6. I got to be roommates again with one of my best friends ever, McKensey, and we got to go through the awful adjustment phase of being a recent RM. And we're still going through it to a degree.
7. I didn't waste more time than I did with the guy who wasn't really the person that I wanted, needed, or deserved.
8. I am a TEACHER! (I still think that's super cool sometimes.) My kids give me a run for my money, but I really do love them with all my heart.
9. In August my best friend Marjo got married to the man of her dreams and I got to be there for it! We had a mini reunion with some of my besties in Portland and it was probably the funnest weekend of the entire year.
10. In September I kicked the antidepressants to the curb! I don't need no pill anymore to tell me I can be happy.
11. I bought a car! And it was love at first sight.
12. I was able to go back and visit Grand Junction for a weekend in October and I had the best time.
13. I made it through the first half of my first year of teaching without dying, quitting, getting fired, or killing any of my students.

I could definitely say more, but this is a long enough entry as it is. And I need to go start getting ready to party tonight. The moral of this story is that 2013 wasn't really all bad. But heck, I'm definitely looking forward to a much better 2014. So, here's to one last night of the worst year of my life, and to not having anymore like it!

Three Important "Don'ts"

I was flipping through my journal and found this brief entry that made me laugh. I don't have many of those from that time of my life, so I thought I should immortalize it on my blog. I know that at least my most loyal reader will enjoy it.

June 29, 2013

Notes to self:
1) Don't float down the Provo River with just life jackets in June--it's freezing.
2) Don't live at RG in the summer--it's hotter than Hades.
3) Don't tell Marjorie about a stupid boy or she'll want to egg his house.

Crazy Girl Pt. 2

Let me to you about a crazy girl with an obsessive personality. This girl can't stop when she gets into something.

Books are an excellent example. By chapter ten of a good book, she won't put it down until she's finished it. Harry Potter. Percy Jackson. Hunger Games.

Music. She gets into an artist and that's all she will listen to for a month. Then she listens to a few other things in combination with that artist for the next month. Ed Sheeran. Parachute. OneRepublic.

But the worst is probably TV shows. Especially when aided by Netflix. I mean, come on. Full seasons of shows just right there at her fingertips. She watched approximately two and a half seasons of The Vampire Diaries in about two months, quite the impressive feat for a first year elementary school teacher. But here is the real feat that is in question.... Watching two full seasons of How I Met Your Mother in, wait for it...three days. 

Umm, more later on my issues about my life and why I think deep down I enjoy watching this show so much. But right now, I have got to go to sleep. I'm kind of obsessed with going to bed late right now.

Don't worry, I am fully aware that I have problems.

The Locked Door

Hahahaha. This morning, for the 10th morning in a row, is an "inside" day, meaning the kids are not allowed to go out and play before school because it's too cold. That means they have to be inside. Technically, they are supposed to sit outside my classroom. I usually let them come in though because I feel like I can have more control over my little monsters if they are in my room.

Well, this morning I wanted to be productive during my before school hours, so right before kids started showing up, I locked my door and I'm sitting in the corner of the room where the kids can't see me through the window. I've been very productive!

It's ridiculous though that they don't understand, "The door is locked!"

Each kid who comes decides that maybe they might have that "King Arthur touch" and the door just might open for them, even though it didn't open for the past 5 kids who tried. And they don't just try once. They initially try to turn the handle. Doesn't move. So then they jiggle it a little, seeing if it will change its mind and budge. Doesn't move. So then they move it frantically in either desperation or annoyance. Still doesn't move. Silence until the next confident student comes and thinks their touch will be the magical one to open it. Oh goodness, children.

They're going to have a cow when the bell rings and I come from the inside to open the door and let me in. Oh, the things that teachers do that makes them happy...

One of those days...

It was one of those days. You know, the kind where you look across the room and one of your sixth graders has a banana peel on his head as if it were a hat. Yeah, it was bad. They were out of control. And so was I because I was not able to control my laughter at their hilarity today. I couldn't even be mad at them because I was being the bad example and laughing at them. Whoops. I will be paying for that the rest of the week.

On a brighter note, I finally decided to join the rest of the world in the 21st century and get a smart phone. And I even kinda flirted with the Verizon guy. Nbd.

Ugh and it's now midnight and I just cannot force myself to open my math book and plan my lesson that is getting observed by another teacher in the morning.

On a wonderful note, more than half of my kids passed the math test we took today on surface area!!! That's the first time that I've had half the kids pass the test all year. Pathetic, huh? (I promise that my teaching skills are nowhere reflected in their test grades...they just don't LISTEN!)

Self Control

Good news people. It took me 4 days to finish a carton of ice cream that I bought on Friday, as opposed to the three days that it took last weekend. That means I've got self control, right?

For My Most Faithful Reader

This one's for you Marjo.

I was thinking the other day, "How can people from Oregon or similar places-aka hippies-stand to be teachers? We singlehandedly destroy rainforests because we use and waste so much paper every single day."

I couldn't come up with an answer or a solution. I personally try to recycle as much paper as possible, but there's still lots that goes to waste.

I guess the way that I know that I'm not completely destroying our earth is that I do only run a fully loaded dishwasher. And because of that, I can sleep easy tonight. 

#sobored

So, when you go on a mission, you tend to miss out on a lot of things going on in the real world. You know, like the super important pop culture type things. McKensey and I have had lots of conversations about some of the things that we miss and how we don't get them, or better stated, how we think it's ridiculous and not a good kind of ridiculous.

One of those things is hashtags. You know, those things that used to be known as the number or pound sign. I'm waiting for the day when the automated phone message woman tells you to "enter your pin and then press hashtag." 

Anyways, I understand the purpose of hashtags for Instagram, but I think it is pretty hilarious. Instagram is one of those things that I missed getting on board with because I was on a technology fast as a missionary for more than a year, so maybe I wouldn't think it was so funny if it wasn't for that. And maybe I'll join the Instagram crowd when I decide to finally jump on board the smartphone train. But until the potentially possible day that happens, I will use hashtags as nothing but a joke. Something to laugh about. A medium to express my ridiculousness. A way to prove to myself that I am still indeed hilarious.

#homealone #roommateisincanada #tiredofwatchingvd #wenttowalmarttwicetonight #timetopullouttheicecream

Poor Choices=Less Dodgeball

Whew. What a week. Sometimes being a teacher makes me rethink being a parent one day...and then I remember that I only have to deal with one that age at a time (ok, maybe 2 tops; still beats 24 by a long shot).

Hmm what awesome stories do I have to tell from this week?

Tuesday I was so mean. So the bell rings at 8:55 for the kids to line up outside. We're supposed to be in class working by 9:00. We have specials at approximately 9:10. During that interval, ideally we do morning math in my class. The concept is simple, really. There are three review math problems on the board. Students are supposed to come in, do their lunch choice, put away their coats and book bags, then sit and quietly do their three problems. It shouldn't take more than 5 minutes to do the actual math problems. Realistically we should be done and be able to go over the problems before 9:10, right? Ha. Wrong. At least with my kids. But I'm sick of it taking until 9:20 to be able to go over morning math, so I've found a solution that works at least on Tuesdays when we have PE. This past Tuesday it was about 10 after and kids started pointing out to me that it was time for PE. "Are we going to PE now?" I announced to the class that we weren't going to PE until everyone has completed their morning math and we have gone over it. Well, then they started to buckle down and work on it, but some of them were still waiting to see if they could really get away without doing it. Oh, don't worry girls, I know your trick of copying the answer from your friend. No, I won't check you off until I see all the work done on your own paper. Oh, and by the way, you need to be in your own seat; I never gave anyone permission to sit anywhere else. FINALLY at about 9:20 everyone got checked off and we were able to quickly go over the problems. We get lined up and head to the gym. We're not that far from the gym if we cut through the cafeteria. Well, I was at the end of the line with the stragglers and while we were still in the 6th grade hallway, I could hear my kids entering the gym, screaming, yelling, running around like crazy people, and putting scuffs on the floor on purpose (as a former custodian that really gets me). So when I enter, I stand there patiently in front of the steps of the stage where they are supposed to be seated quietly upon calmly entering the gym. Finally they get the fact that we're not starting any activity until they give me their attention. It is then that I calmly announce that the way they entered the gym was completely unacceptable and they needed to line up at the door because we were going to go back to class and try it again. By the time we were finally able to quietly and appropriately walk to the gym, we had 5 minutes of PE left. I did let them play dodgeball which is their favorite, but they wasted their time making poor choices. I was pretty pleased with myself and being mean though. Hehehe...


Wednesday night McKensey colored my hair dark brown. Kind of a drastic change. On Thursday morning I had half the class start to ask me if I was the substitute. If only I had pulled a
Miss Nelson and dressed up as an evil substitute to whip my kids into shape. I think next week I'm going to have straight hair and draw from its power to be mean Ms. G.

Another funny moment from yesterday. We're starting a unit on argument writing and so we started by having a mini debate about the amount of homework they have. Of course the vast majority whined about how they have "way too much" homework. (Uhh, these kids have NOTHING compared to what I had when I was in 6th grade.) Well, I have one student who just moved to America from Armenia like six months ago. He was trying to argue that we don't have enough homework. He told us that he used to have so much homework that he would come home from school and have to work on it until like 10 every night. The kids all just kind of stared at him in disbelief. Then the mean girl of the class who was sitting next to him looked at him and said, "Ew. Is that why you moved here?" And it was actually really quite funny. And he laughed too so it wasn't mean.

Well, in case you were wondering, there isn't anything much better than spending a Friday night catching up on grading assignments from the past two weeks. It's ok though because then I get to binge on ice cream and Vampire Diaries. So it's pretty much a win-win. Definitely beats going on dates or having a social life every time. (Oh the life of a first year teacher...is it almost over yet?)

What do you catch in YOUR net?

Funny 6th grade moment of today:

We are starting our surface area unit and so I made these handy props to use in my intro lesson today:

You may or may not know, but the bottom one is called a "net." Basically a net is a 2-D breakdown of a 3-D shape. It's easier for kids to see how to do surface area when they can break it down and see all the surfaces that they need to find the area of. Well, I was explaining to them that it was called "a net, like n-e-t" (not Annette like one of the girls was thinking I was saying..."That's my neighbor's name!"). Well, then I tried to give an example of a net, "Like you use to catch..." "Fish!" "Yes! Fish! Or butterflies, or..." and they proceeded to shout out examples of things you could catch in a net. That's when the boy who was sitting right in front of me said, not too loudly, "Or girls." Everyone in the classroom just kind of stopped short like they were like, "Whaaa?" And what do I do? I burst into laughter. I could not stop laughing. A lot of the kids were like, "Wait, what did he say? What's so funny?" And all I could do was shake my head and continue laughing, trying so hard not to let the tears that were pooling in my eyes trickle out. Anyways, I finally gained control and tried to continue. "Yes, so it's a net, like the kind of net that you use to catch whatever pe--I mean things you want...." "You were about to say people!" And I lost it again.

Here's my million dollar question: Does that make me lose my credibility as a teacher in their eyes? I sure hope not. Because I like moments like that.

Oh goodness. It's only Monday.

Oh, the Adventures of 6th Grade

Wanna hear the dumb things that my kids did today?

1) We had to take a reading quiz where the kids had to fill in the blank with a correct word from a choice of 3 words. This particular quiz was 3 pages long. The copy machines at my school are controlled by the devil and I ended up with copies that had page 1, 2, 3, 1 stapled together. Easy fix. "Okay guys, you do page 1, 2, and 3, and then on the back it's the same as page 1, so you DON'T have to do it." I had at least 3 kids come up to me and say, "Miss G, this page is like the same as the first one, do I have to do it?" or "Miss G, I just realized that I did the same page twice. Is that okay?"
What I say in my head: Yeah it's ok, you just wasted your own time and brain power. If you'd have listened to me you would have know you didn't have to do it. 
What I really say: "Yeah, I told you already that you didn't have to do it."

2) In the morning we played a review game for math. I read the questions directly off the test. Later that afternoon we were doing some more math review and I told the kids, "I've got a secret...the problems that I used this morning were straight from the test." "So those hard problems are on there?" "Yup. So I hope you were paying attention to how to solve them and that you'll study your practice test tonight."
Then I stopped and glared at the group in the back of the classroom that talked nonstop today. "Shh! Oh, uh, sorry Ms. G. What was your secret?" I just stared at them for a minute. Then I shrugged. "I already told my secret, sorry if you missed it." "What?! Wait! We're listening now, what was it?!" Hands popped up all over the room because some students actually were listening to what I said. "No, put your hands down. I already told my secret, too bad that they missed it. They'll never know." Then the cool kid stood up and said, "Don't worry teacher, I know the secret. You have a boyfriend!" and then he sat down. Hmm, that is a really good secret, because not even I knew that one. I did actually chuckle a a little and shook my head. "Nice try, but not the right secret." "Come on Miss G, why don't you just tell us?" "Yeah, can't we just tell them?" I stared them down. "No. I'm trying to prove the point that I find it really annoying that people think they can just talk while I'm talking and that it's ok." I got some blank stares for a second, and then I saw the look in their eyes as the understanding registered and someone said, "Oh...that's a really good idea." Umm, yes. I'm the teacher. All my ideas are good.

If I thought harder I'd come up with more, but that's all I got for now. Back to grading.

Late Late Ramblings

It's so interesting...at 7:30 I was ready to literally crash, like I did last night (I fell asleep on my computer while trying to plan and when I woke up I crawled into bed for the night). Well, no could do. So I got home at like 9:30, and was still ready to crash, but was still unable to. And, well, here I am at 3 am, still not in bed. I'm not nearly as tired as I was back 6 hours ago though. I forget how all-nighters work. It's pretty crazy. I only have 5 more components that I have to finish figuring out crap for and typing up for my JPAS portfolio. Then maybe I'll take a nap. Or maybe I'll just stay up and watch t.v. or something. It depends. I probably have at least another hour of work to do.

I thought that my days of all-nighters was over! I'm not in college!

Welcome to the profession of teaching. You feel like a glorified student forever. I'm not sure if that's a good or a bad thing. Both, I suppose.

Validation

Well shoot. There I go, saying I hate my job all this week, and then I have a day like today where all I can say is that I love my job. Well...sort of.

So, I finished my parent/teacher conferences tonight. Nowhere near as scary as I thought it was going to be. It was funny, last night during one of my breaks in my schedule of conferences, my principal popped in to see how things were going. She asked if I felt validated as a teacher after meeting with these parents. And I do! It's so crazy. Here I am, a 23-year-old woman entrusted with the education of 24 pre-teens. These parents all respected me and my opinions and the grades and scores that I gave my students. They asked me for my professional opinion on how to help their kids. I forget that technically I'm qualified to do that. Uhh...that's so weird.

It also made me realize part of why I wanted to be a teacher though. So the way I ran my conferences is I started off by handing the parent and student a copy of their report card. I had them look it over and then we discussed and questions or concerns that they had. After talking about that we did a "Student Education Plan" which is a district-wide thing. We talked about the kid's accomplishments and strengths, areas for improvement, and then we set a goal or two for them to reach before the next report card. And I really stressed to my kids that I'm here to help them succeed. I'm here to do whatever I can to make sure that they are learning and achieving all that they are capable of, because they all have such great potential. The way I felt as I was telling each kid this reminded me of the cute little pre-teacher Ms. Griffiths just starting her program at BYU, thinking I could change the world, one student at a time. Since actually teaching I've felt very little of that. It's so overwhelming and trying to meet the needs of 24 students is crazy. I've been kind of discouraged, thinking, "Why the heck did I want to do this? This is a terrible job." And yes, there is still lots that I could complain about having to do with all the politics and everything of being a teacher, but we won't go there tonight. I guess I just realized that deep down inside I do love what I do. I love those kids and I want them to reach their potential.

Enough semi-mushy stuff. There were some great and some funny moments to share from today.

We played a math game today called "Grudgeball" that the kids love. Basically each team has 10 x's up on the board. Each team at a time has a turn to correctly solve a math problem and if they get it correct they get to erase 2 x's from any of the other teams. It was so fun seeing the kids all engaged and excited, even it was to be rude and erase x's from a certain team. I had some of my kids who have a hard time staying interested tell me that they loved it and I'm pretty sure they'll be begging to play it again.

Another thing we did was for vocabulary I had the kids write either a vocabulary word or the definition on a piece of paper. Then we played snowball with them. They crumpled them up, threw them, and then picked up a new snow ball and had to find the person with the match. Well, the funny thing is that I let them throw their snowballs at me. They loved it. And I thought it was funny how much they loved it.

Last thing to share, has to do with some wonderful 6th grade boy humor. Oh, and it was me who had the sense of humor of a 12-year-old boy. In science we've been learning about the Solar System. We were doing an activity where the kids had to write a fact that they knew for each of the planets. One of my boys came up to me and asked me, "Ms. Griffiths, does Uranus have rings?" I stared at him for a moment, trying to decipher if this was a trap. It wouldn't surprise me with my kids. Even though I pronounce it Yur-uh-nus, most of them still love to claim that Ur-anus is their favorite planet. But I had a serious debate in my head about if this kid was being serious or if he was messing with me. Then I realized that it's impossible for this kid to hide any emotion, so since he asked me with a straight face, he was being serious. I answered his question and as he walked away, I chuckled to myself, "Does Uranus have rings...? Hehehe..." Don't judge. That's what happens when your only friends that you hang out with are a class of 11- and 12-year-olds.

I should have just spent the night at school

Don't worry, I love spending 14 hours at school in one day. It's magnificent.

What is actually magnificent is that our PTA got us free dinner tonight. And that they're letting us pick out $30 worth of books at the book fair.

I had all but one of my parents show up for conferences, and tomorrow I don't have as many scheduled. That will then give me time to finish getting my JPAS portfolio ready (UGH). But still on the positive side, none of the parents were even mad at me! It was great.

Fantastic thing of today: The kid in my class who is the lowest at math got 100% on his dividing fractions worksheet. That made me so happy!

I can't think of anything that was particularly funny today. My kids are driving me absolutely crazy! I need for it to be a new week so that I'm refreshed and can start new and be mean.

Maybe one day I'll have posts that are interesting again, but I'm too tired for that today.

Mid-Night...get it?

How do you know you've graduated to adulthood? Midnight=middle of the night. Ugh. My body is screaming at me that I should be in bed. Gosh, I wish. I hate report cards.


I tried so hard to think about a good/funny thing from today. Couldn't do it. My kids are punks and I'm sick of them. I'm just so ready for this week to be OVER.

Put Your Best Foot Forward...Literally

Ok, so here's something I'm going to try, for at least this week. This week is crazy. I have parent/teacher conferences, report cards, and I have to have my JPAS interview, meaning I have to have this ridiculous portfolio ready for sometime this week. Umm, don't worry, I'm planning on cutting sleep out of my life. It'll be fine.

Anyways, the thing I want to try for this week so that I don't go crazy and focus on all the crap that's going on, is write down a thing or two from the day that was hilarious or awesome in some way. So number 1:

When we were leaving the computer lab this morning, the technology specialist who happened to be in there this morning told the kids to "put their best foot forward" and keep doing good things. Well, all the way back to the room, the cool kid in the class limped, walking with his right foot normally and dragging his left foot behind him like he couldn't bend his leg. I said, "Uh, is your leg ok there?" and he answered, "Yeah, she just said to put our best foot forward, so that's what I'm doing!" That one I awarded with a lol.

Another awesome thing, my small group for math was working on dividing fractions, and they all seemed to get it! There were only 5 in the class that was still having a hard time with it, and they were able to do all the problems that I gave them and then they could tell me how they got it. That right there is one of the best things about being a teacher.

A Thorn and a Rose

The thorn of this week? It was terrible. While my three week break was refreshing in the moment, as soon as school started again I was a wreck. I've been working probably 15 hour days, having to turn on my headlights to drive both to and from school. Terrible. My kids have been monsters. I don't know what to do to control them. They are out of control. I've also been scared out of my mind every time the door opens from the outside, afraid that it's my principal coming in to JPAS me. I was definitely not ready for that this week and the portfolio scramble that would have ensued.

The rose of this week? I've done it without any caffeine! No stops at the vending machine to grab a Dr. Pepper on my way in the school at 7:30. Also, (knock on wood!) no migraines! And no JPAS! Ugh, I'll be ticked if these things happen tomorrow. But you know what? Tomorrow is Friday, so whatever. Also, I was super pleased with my kids math assignment that they turned in today. All but one of the students who turned in the 5 problem worksheet for multiplying decimals got at least 80% which was wonderful! You know what that means? Anchor charts are gonna be my new obsession.

That is all. I need to probably just go to bed at this point. Friday is "wingin' it" day anyways.

TGIF:)

Confession Time

Sometimes I don't care if the kids know the why in math. Sometimes I think it's ok to just teach the algorithm. I know in theory they'll be able to remember the algorithm better if they understand the why behind it, but sometimes you have a class of monsters who have to be ready to take the benchmark in 2 weeks and you still have so much to teach and review. So sometimes teaching the algorithm is what I'm gonna do, ok? And you know what else? I don't think that multiplying decimals really makes sense to anybody in this world, we just all pretend that it does.

Boring Thoughts for My Brain Break

Ugh, I feel like a student again. It was almost exactly 2 years ago that I was in almost this exact situation, spending 12 hours at the library several days in a row working on my capstone project, the dreaded Teacher Work Sample. Well, this time it's not my TWS, but I'm here, spending the day at the library (public) trying to get stuff done. My big project right now is trying to get my portfolio ready for my JPAS. I forget what that stands for, but basically my principal will pop in unannounced a couple times one week to observe me and then within a few days she'll conduct an interview to check and see how I'm doing with the unobservable stuff, you know, like lesson planning and assessing. Well, my school is piloting a new form of this observation and it's super duper in depth. We have to have textual and physical/pictural evidence for thirteen different indicators. Doesn't sound that bad, does it? Well, each indicator has several different parts to it, and yesterday I was at school for about 7 hours and got like 2 indicators done, maybe. And I promise that I didn't get distracted playing Candy Crush Saga or reading House of Hades. Ugh. The good thing is that it'll really only be this first time that it's a real killer. We get "JPAS-ed" twice a year, once in the fall, then again in the winter/spring. It happens twice a year for the first three years of teaching while you're a "provisional" teacher and then it only happens every 2 or 3 years or something after that, I'm not sure, I'll worry about it when I get to that point. For now I just know that I need to be worrying about it twice a year for the next 3 years. But this first time I'll get everything kind of figured out and get the foundation of it all done, and next semester I'll just have to tweak and add stuff.

Part of me really likes feeling like a student again, and then another part of me is like, "What the heck? I have a degree! I should not have to be doing this much work like when I was a student!" And then I remember...I'm a teacher. When I signed up for this job I signed up to be both a teacher and a student forever. But, that's part of why I found it appealing. I love learning. I love doing. I love helping.

Well, congrats if you made it through this boring post. It was mostly just for me to have a quick brain break before getting back to work. Don't worry though, there will be many more posts about my professional life. Hopefully not boring ones though. Hopefully lots of funny ones. And maybe sometimes I'll let you step inside my classroom and see exactly what we do in 6th grade. It's pretty great.

P.S. Currently getting obsessed with American Authors. They've got some catchy tunes.

When Did This Happen?

Somehow, I became a grown-up. I don't really know how or when. But this past week or so has been unreal.

1) I am officially off my parents' health insurance. While there was confusion on my mailing address and I haven't gotten my insurance card yet, I have my very own insurance that comes out of my paycheck. What will be more exciting is when I actually have to use it. (Or will it?)

2) I opened a retirement account. Roth IRA? Got one. More money being pulled from my paycheck each month.

3) I BOUGHT A CAR. For the first time in my life, the car I have hasn't just been handed to me. I didn't do anything in the process of finding the car, my grandpa and uncle helped me with that, but I got a loan from the bank and will be paying every penny for this car over the next approximate 48 months. It's a 2010 Toyota Yaris, and it was love at first sight. It is good as new and I'm so excited about it. Driving is fun again! But more on that another day.

4) I have my own car insurance! I had to go online and get quotes on different websites to see what was gonna be the best deal for me. Don't worry Flo, my money is on you. But giving away your personal information, like your phone number, to people who want your money is not very fun.

5) It still hits me sometimes that I am a teacher. I am responsible for other people's children and their education. Crazy.


I've had lots of mixed feelings about this and all the other grown-up things in my life. Part of me feels so awesome. It feels good to be so responsible about everything myself. The only thing that's left on my parents tab is my phone bill, and that probably won't be for too much longer. The other part of me feels overwhelmed though. There's so much to remember and be responsible for! I'm so scared about there not being enough money in a certain account or forgetting to pay a bill. Ok, next step...find a man to marry so he can be responsible for all of this stuff and I can just be the cute stay-at-home-mom who pinterests all day long. ...That's a joke.

P.S. Look at all this that came in the mail for me today. One is a legit letter, but the rest is all grown-up mail. Seriously, never give your info to car insurance people.

Family Force 5 Years Later

Today I went on a lovely run. Well, actually there was very little about it that was lovely. It was cold and trying to rain. I am not really in shape so I had to push myself to keep going (but I did keep going without stopping!). And I am still getting used to the fact that I am in Draper, not Provo (not a bad thing! Just different in having to figure out new routes).

The good thing about this run, I would say, was the soundtrack. I chose to listen to Family Force 5 today to get me pumped to run because they usually do pretty well with that. They didn't fail today. But the thing that I realized that is the reason for me telling this story right now, is that it was exactly 5 years ago when my love for FF5 began. Freshman year. Stephen Bower asked me if I had ever heard of them because I said I was from Atlanta. I was intrigued and looked them up. At first, I have to admit that I hated them. But somehow they were still on my Napster playlist (yeah this was a while ago, before my grooveshark days) and it didn't take too long for me to acquire the taste for their krunk rock. And I loved them. I remember listening to them during the fall, especially October. I specifically remember falling asleep listening to them after watching a scary movie around Halloween. I was obsessed.

And my roommates thought I was just being ridiculous (not an unfair claim, knowing me). But I wasn't. As can be proved with my still undying devotion 5 years later. Thankfully their eyes were also opened to the awesomeness known as FF5 and they accompanied me to some pretty sweet concerts.

Anyways, before I drag this out any longer than it already is, I just wanted to publicly announce that I still love my fellow Atlantans known as Family Force 5. Cheers to 5 happy years of listening and hopefully here's to many more in the future.

Their first song I ever heard:

One of their latest songs that I love:

Ultimate Q&A

You can ask God any 5 questions and He will answer them. Go.

1. What was I like in the premortal existence?
2. Why did you have to make our teeth out of enamel that decays?
3. How long did it take You to reach perfection?
4. ...dinosaurs?
5. How much longer?

Out of the Frying Pan...

Describe your cooking skills and your favorite thing to cook.

I will admit...my cooking skills are subpar. Well, actually that makes it sound like I'm a horrible cook. That's not the case. I just am not as accomplished in that discipline as I would like to be. I do know how to follow a recipe. I can make casseroles like any other good Mormon girl's business. I actually made some really bomb banana bread a couple weeks ago. This week I've been on a grilled sandwich kick thanks to the fantastic griddle my mom sent me, and they have been pretty flipping fantastic. Oh and I'm pretty good at making omelets too. But I'm not someone who can just have a bunch of ingredients and throw it together to make something amazing. I'm not very imaginative in the kitchen. If someone else wants to be creative and make something fancy or different, they can go for it and if they want to order me around, I will do what they tell me (although I will complain to no end if I have to chop onions because they always make me cry...a lot), and I will eat it and I will love it. But I will not be the brains behind the operation. My biggest hold back has mostly been time. I haven't had the time and haven't made it a priority to really cook much. Resources have also been a problem, although I do have more spending money now. We'll see. Cooking for one is also not really very fun. But enough with the excuses.

My favorite thing to cook...pancakes. Hahaha, I don't know if I really have a favorite thing to cook, but if I do then it's probably pancakes. But I'm a super cheater and usually just use the "Just Add Water!" mix and then throw it on the griddle. I do, however, love attempting to make shapes. Back when I lived in 109 I got pretty good. It is time that I pull out the pumpkins and witches hats again. 

And this post is now in the fire. This was really boring. Sorry you wasted your time reading this and that I wasted my time writing it. Hopefully I'll get a better prompt tomorrow.

Jumpstart

So, in one of my many stints searching for anything that could be used for a lesson plan, I found this website that generates random writing prompts. As I went through looking at them, I found that some of them I wanted to answer. I thought that maybe I could use this as a way to jumpstart my writing again. We'll see how long it keeps me entertained.

10 things I would do if I won the lottery

1. Buy a brand new car.
2. Buy myself a new wardrobe.
3. Travel.
4. Go to New York and get my haircut at a curly hair studio.
5. Get a mani/pedi every week.
6. Get laser hair removal.
7. Hire a nutritionist to be my own personal chef.
8. Go on a music shopping spree.
9. Help my family with anything they need/want.
10. Find a fantastic charity that I could support and be a part of.

Good News Minute

Good news:

• I survived the first 9 weeks of school.
• I now have a 3 week break.
• Despite the fact that my kiddos are complete snots sometimes, I love them dearly.
• I didn't have a migraine this week!
• I only had 1 Dr. Pepper this week, and it's right now in celebration of ending the week (and it's "free pop Friday" so why would I pass that up?)

Happy, happy, happy

Guess what?

I'm done being negative and slightly dramatic on here. I just reread the past few posts and realized how utterly pathetic I seemed. I didn't mean to sound that way when I posted them. Hopefully I can redeem myself in the next little while.

I have missed writing. I think that with my depression that was one of the things that I lost interest in. I'm glad to say though that it's back. Well, not the journal writing part. Ugh, I just realized that it's been like a year since I was good at doing that. I'm gonna work on that, but that will come as I have more time in my life. For now, I'm just gonna go with what I've got though, and that's the desire to blog again.

I've been thinking a lot about my life right now and where I'm at and how looking at it, it's really not that great. I get up at 6:30 am, get to school around 7:30, teach a class full of snotty 11- and 12-year-olds for 7 hours, finally leave school at 6 pm to get home and do more school work. If I do anything fun it's with McK and it usually consists of eating ice cream while watching our guilty pleasure t.v. show. How pathetic does that sound? Yeah, pretty pathetic. I really don't have any friends right now besides McKensey.

But guess what?

I'm happy.

And I can't really explain why. Because I know that looking at my life it kind of sucks. But for some inexplicable reason, I'm ok with it, and I'm actually pretty happy. I think it's because I've made the conscious decision to be happy, no matter what. I'm back to feeling like myself, unlike how I felt as Sister Griffiths last winter. Sister Griffiths was a stranger to herself and was incapable of making that decision to be happy the same way that I can right now. For whatever reason her brain was jacked up, but that time is over. I want to be happy, I can be happy, and I am happy.

"Most folks are as happy as they make up their minds to be." -Abraham Lincoln

All I want is someone who will ask me if I'm ok.

And someone who will tell me that it will be ok.

I am ok and I know everything will be ok, but I just want someone who will ask and reassure me. Is that too much to ask for?

Sometimes it's ok to cry

Sometimes things make you sad.
Sometimes things make you really sad.
Sometimes things still make you sad, no matter how ok you think you are.

And you know what? It's ok to cry.

The entire time I was in college, the number of times I cried can be counted on my two hands.
The first six months of my mission I cried once.

I had someone once tell me "Don't cry, just pray." I really took that to heart. I think I used it to justify my own lack of tears. "I don't have to cry. I shouldn't need to cry. I have God. He makes everything ok, so I don't have to cry."

In the past year, I've cried a hundred times. At least. I have no idea how to quantify the number of times that I've cried. But it has been the most of my life.

And you know what I realized this summer? It's ok to cry. In fact, sometimes you should cry.

Yeah, I know that I have the Savior and His Atonement to make things better, but that doesn't mean I can't cry.
That doesn't mean I'm weak if I cry.
That doesn't mean I'm foolish.
That doesn't mean that I'm vulnerable.
That doesn't mean that I can't be happy.
That doesn't mean that I'm inferior because I can't find other ways to express my emotions.
Damn it, sometimes I just need to cry.

Even if I'm pretending that I'm completely 100% alright. And sometimes I truly am. But sometimes it still hurts like hell. And the only thing I know to do to make it somewhat bearable (since I don't drink-ha) is cry. Sometimes a single tear. Sometimes a good, heart rending sob attack that you can only follow up with a hot mug of peppermint tea.

But you know what? I'm ok with crying.

When do I get to breathe again?

No longer living in Provo.

Check.

Unfurnished non-student housing.

Check.

Grown-up job.

Check.

First paycheck.

Check.

Signing up for my own health insurance.

Check.

Getting internet and hot water set up.

Check.

Wedding weekend in Portland.

Check.

Still alive.

Check.

Barely...

Today was NOT my day...

1. Got very minimal sleep last night.
2. Woke up with a migraine.
3. Left my phone at home.
4. Wasn't able to go grab a caffeinated beverage before school started to try to alleviate my headache.
5. Didn't eat hardly anything all day because I was nauseated.
6. I left the headlights on in my stupid old car that doesn't ding to tell me that the headlights are still on when I open the door.
7. The battery in my car died.
8. The phones at my school were not working either for me to call my mother.
9. After finally getting help jumping my car, the a/c decided to stop working before we hit the freeway. Thankfully at point of the mountain it kicked back in.
10. At Walmart I again left my dang headlights on.
11. It's after 11 and I still have lots to do for school tomorrow.
12. I have meetings starting at 8 and have to stay after until 8 for parent night.
13. Umm...when do I have time to sleep? Oh, never mind, unimportant.

Feelin' Like I'm...twenty tw--just kidding.

Well, I guess I'm officially 23. My birthday is never really that big of a deal because I always feel like I've already been whatever age I'm turning for months already.

I just have this to say:

Here's to a better, brighter year.

This has been one hell of a year, and I'm ready for things to start looking way up again. Things aren't necessarily bad right now, but they could certainly go up. (When can they not?)

I just hope I can survive the first few weeks of teaching...it may or may not be the death of me.

Is Fall Here Yet...?

How do you know that it's hotter than Hades outside?

Your candy bar melts before you can even make it to the car.

My Guilty Pleasures

• Rereading the same books over and over again.
• Singing loudly, and often badly, along with my old cds while driving in my car.
• Reading the tabloids in line at the grocery store.
• Candy. And cookies. And pie. And pretty much anything else with sugar in it.
• Reading my own blog. Again and again. And laughing so hard sometimes because I think I'm hilarious.
• Doing crosswords and sudokus, nonstop.
• Angry birds.
• Staying up super super late talking to my best friends.
• Eating ice cream straight from the carton. With a fork. (Don't judge, you should try it.)
• The VD.
• Sleeping late.
• Hot chocolate in the morning and herbal tea before bed.

Latest Music Obsession

See I could do without a tan

On my left hand,

Where my fourth finger meets my knuckle

Seriously.
Ed Sheeran.
Love.
How does he come up with stuff like that?

Also, this song is one of the many that would fit in the soundtrack of my current life:

A New Diet

So I've discovered a new diet that's going to be all the rage soon, I can just feel it.

I call it the Poor Man's Diet.

You see, when you have no income you have to be very careful about how to spend your small cache of money. That means that your fridge and pantry are very sparsely filled. There are the basics: bread, eggs, milk, pb&j, cheese, potatoes, cold cereal. Then there's the amenities: an extremely small assortment of fruits and veggies, chips and salsa, granola bars, otter pops. And well, that's about it.

And that's pretty much the easiest way I've learned how to lose weight.

A few obsessions right now:

Ed Sheeran.

(Umm not to mention that one of my favorite gingers of all time is in this video...love.)

Taylor Swift.

(I know it's pretty cliche, but this song is stuck in my head at any given time.)

Ed Sheeran and Taylor Swift singing together.

(Adorable.)


(I also really like this song right now.)

Dang Humidity

People keep asking me why I don't want to just stay in Georgia and teach. They're always surprised when they ask what I'm doing and I answer that I'm moving back to Utah.

You know what I'm going to tell them from now on when they ask why?

I like crunchy granola for breakfast. 

Apparently that doesn't exist in Georgia.

The Worst Thing Ever

I thought I was done with cramming. I will admit, that's what I did most of my college (and high school, for that matter) career. Thankfully the kind of classes I was in for my major were mostly common sense. And the things that weren't and had to be memorized and/or learned, weren't too intense. Cramming was doable and worked quite well for me.

But have you ever had to cram to remember everything that you ever learned in college?

Well, that's what happens when you're preparing for a teaching job interview and it's been almost a year and a half since you've been in a classroom.

I thought that resumes and cover letters were the worst thing ever, but I was wrong. This is worse.

What You've All Been Waiting For...

Ok, ok. I know you've all been asking this question, and I think I'm ready to answer it now.

Why am I home from my mission?

Kudos to those who did the math and figured out I wasn't gone for 18 months. (It was 13 months.)

I previously and vaguely said that I was coming home for "health reasons" but that really means very little.

My illness? Depression. (Yes, illness. I will explain.)

It started back around Halloween. The first 7 months of my mission were fantastic. While it was hard, I still loved what I was doing. It was fulfilling and I knew it was where I was supposed to be. And then inexplicably, something changed.

It started with me not being able to stay awake for more than five minutes at a time during my hour of personal study. How much can you get out of studying the scriptures drowsily for five minutes? Next to nothing. Along with that came these weird, strong feelings that I couldn't explain. I would get super irritated at someone or something, or I would be sitting in the car in front of someone's house and I'd just be like, "I don't want to do this." At first I thought it was just my hormones making me weird...but then it kept consistently happening, like for a month. Oh, and I started crying all the time. How many of you have seen me cry? Exactly, I am not a crier. In the first 6 or 7 months of my mission I cried once. By the end of November I was crying multiple times a week. Progressively this was all getting worse. And this just wasn't me.

Finally after Thanksgiving my wonderful companion who was so patient and supportive told me it was time to call President. I called and cried and told him things weren't good. When nothing had changed by the end of December he transferred me so I could start going to a therapist from LDS Family Services. That transfer almost broke me. I went from being functionally depressed to being pretty darn dysfunctional. I had zero motivation. I felt spiritually dead. I was overwhelmed and didn't know why I was still there. I wasn't doing anyone any good at all, except maybe teaching my companions patience. It was good seeing a therapist, but it wasn't helping my depression at all. Finally after a few visits I told him that I was sure this was more than just a mental thing. I had been in similar situations before, being tired, stressed, etc. but this was different. There was something wrong with my body making me feel so fatigued and so indifferent to everything in the world. I mean it was really like all those commercials for antidepressants where I had lost interest in even the things I loved most. I didn't want to write my best friends. I didn't want to write in my journal. We would hang out with other sisters on p-day and I would just sit there and cry and I didn't know why. I didn't know why I couldn't be happy because it wasn't like I was trying to be miserable.

So I finally went to a doctor. He diagnosed me as being moderately depressed and prescribed me some medication. This was the beginning of February. The first week was rough. The meds made my head feel empty, which is kind of an uncomfortable sensation, and I was always a little nauseous and just as fatigued as ever, if not more. One day I had a huge breakdown and told my companion I couldn't do it anymore. This wasn't something I could deal with as a missionary. Man I had wonderful companions. She let me just cry for like an hour and we talked about it and then we took the afternoon off. We went for a run and got frozen yogurt. She called President and asked if we could come talk to him the next day. We went to the temple in the morning, which left me with such a reassuring peace that everything would work out just fine. I felt that it wasn't time for me to give up yet. So we went and talked to President and I was feeling alright. He told me to exercise for a full hour everyday and if that meant the rest of our morning schedule got shifted, that was fine. Then he said if things aren't better by the end of next transfer (meaning about 2 months from that time) then maybe going home would be the best option for me to get over this.

From there things got better. Exercising for an hour was wonderful. I think the meds started doing their job and things were pretty good. I was so excited. I had kicked this! I had done it without giving up. I wasn't going to have to go home early. Well, the next transfer started and things were still going well. We had another temple day and I kind of got this distinct impression that I wasn't in the clear yet. I could imagine Heavenly Father sitting there looking down at me with a sympathetic smile on His face, shaking his head saying, "I'm sorry, but it wasn't that easy. You've got more hard stuff headed your way." At that point what could I do but shrug and say "come what may"? Yeah, so it got crappy again. Crying all the time. Feeling like a worthless missionary. Seriously, how was I supposed to help others when I couldn't even get a handle on myself? I felt so broken. I can't even describe all the thoughts and feelings I had. I was near hopeless.

But, I never did completely lose hope. If there was one reason for me to struggle with depression on my mission it was so I could grow closer to my Savior and have more of an understanding of His Atonement. I know that He was there with me every step of the way, and most of the time He was carrying me. This is what kept me from hopelessness. I knew that eventually, whether in this life or the next, He would make up for the unfairness of this trial in my life. Meanwhile, I knew He would help me.

So by this point there were only 2 or 3 weeks left in the transfer. I saw President at a baptism one weekend and asked if he would give me a blessing. He asked me if I was thinking about going home or not and I told him that was why I wanted the blessing, because I was trying to decide what I should do.

I think that trying to decide whether I should go home or stay on my  mission was a harder decision than the one I made to go on a mission in the first place. There would be so many implications either way. If I go home will I regret it forever? Will I feel guilty? Are there people I'm still supposed to find or teach? Are there things that I still need to learn? Will people judge me? If I stay will I be able function well enough to be an effective missionary? Will I be more of a burden or a help to my companions? Will I feel bitter about how miserable I was on my mission? Will I miss out on some opportunity that the Lord has in store for me if I do go home? The questions were endless.

Honestly, I was ready to go home. I was exhausted with this battle. I felt like I really couldn't be very effective in the state I was in unless I was able to get a hold of all my problems. I could see the effect that I was having on the work and on my companion and it wasn't fair. But, I knew that if the Lord wanted me to still be there, He would continue to help me and that these things wouldn't be an issue. Now just the tricky part of trying to figure out what it was that He wanted.

There was lots of praying and pondering and fasting, etc. And it was one of those times where I felt the answer I was getting was that it was up to me. Either choice would be fine. Ugh, sometimes I think that's the worst answer to receive. But, based on what I was thinking and feeling, I decided to make the choice to go home and see how I felt from there.

The last two weeks of my mission were great. I generally felt pretty good. I wasn't nearly as tired as I had been. I didn't really mind knocking on doors. But this was because there was a light at the end of the tunnel. The thought of me staying for another 4+ months filled me with apprehension and dread. I felt good with my decision to come home.

And after two weeks of being home, I still feel good about my decision. I was afraid of feeling weird or guilty whenever anyone asked me why I came home early, and I haven't. I don't feel bad at all or like there's something that I'm going to miss out on because I came home 3 transfers early. I'm sure that if I had chosen to stay that things would have worked out fine, but I really believe that coming home was the right thing for me to do.

And again, just like the decision I made in the first place to serve a mission, this was a decision I made completely between me and the Lord. Nobody, except maybe my mission president, had any sway in this decision. The convenient timing of certain things does make it appear a bit suspicious, I know, but if it was planned by anyone, it was only planned by God. And, well, I'm okay with that.

Anyways, my mission, while cut a little short, was still an amazing experience. I don't look back at it with bitterness or regret at all. I'm so glad that I went and so glad that I stuck through the hard stuff for as long as I did. I met amazing people and learned lessons that I probably couldn't have learned anywhere but in the mission field. Most of all, my testimony is even more rock solid than it was before. I know that this is truly the Lord's Church and that the things that I taught as a missionary are true. I know that all the trials that we go through are for our good and that there are things that we must learn from them. And most of all, I know that the Savior is there to wipe away our tears and give us the strength to keep going. He is the reason to hope.

More Unimportant and Uninteresting Late Night Thoughts

Ok, here is a tangent that is pointless, and I won't be offended if nobody reads this...but I must get my thoughts out to at least someone, even if it's just my computer.

I finished reading the Hunger Games series late last night. It wasn't my first time reading them. I listened to the first 2 while working custodial at school back in the summer of 2010, so almost 3 years ago. Mockingjay came out that September I think so after patiently waiting for my roommates to finish it, it was my turn to read it. I remember being really emotional as I read it, but my heart was kind of in a silly fragile state, so I figured it was just me overreacting because of that. I couldn't decide at that time how I felt about the books. I wasn't sure that I really liked them. They had definitely kept me captivated and I couldn't wait to go to work everyday for a couple weeks that summer because I got to listen to them, but at the end I wasn't sure how I really felt about them.

So last week when I went to my closet to find a book to read before falling asleep, I found that my mom had bought the series and read them, probably about this time last year (she was in young womens and she decided that she should find out for herself what the big deal was about these books and movies all the teenage girls were obsessed with). I had always had the intention of rereading them because it drove me crazy that I hadn't come to any conclusion about how I felt about them, so I figured, why not now? (It also helped that I realized that Percy Jackson is safely in a box in Clarkston, Utah so I had to settle for something else.)

I finished the series in like 5 days. They had me captivated. I will admit for the hundredth time that one of my favorite things is rereading a book. I love it when you're reading and some detail or event you'd forgotten  totally surprises you all over again. Anyways, I tried to really pay attention to what I thought about it this time around. And here's what I decided last night after I finished: Suzanne Collins is a fantastic writer and the books were really good, but I don't like them.

Why don't I like them? They're so desensitizing. I mean...a bunch of kids thrown together to brutally murder each other? War and rebellion where human life is thrown away like a candy wrapper? Self-centered, superficial, manipulative people plotting selfish things while mercilessly using others as their pawns? The only characters that I really like are Peeta and Prim. The rest are all kind of jerks. Oh, Cinna is good too. But I mean, I don't even really like the main character. Katniss is just a self-centered brat who throws a fit if she doesn't get what she wants.

But, despite the fact that I decided I don't really like them, I still think that they are wonderfully written. I always judge a book or movie to be good if they make me laugh and cry. These books did this. I find that the ability to make me laugh and cry are essential qualities because it means that I was emotionally connected with the book somehow. And Suzanne Collins definitely made me feel connected with the characters in her books. I felt what they were feeling. And not just Katniss, but a lot of the other characters too. I almost felt like I was there in the book alongside them. That's why even though I didn't like Katniss much, my heart still broke with every fallback she had with Peeta. And the third book was almost unbearable. I cried just as much this go around as I did last time. Ugh, especially that last page or two! Suzanne Collins knew just how to tug on my heartstrings.

So there's my random ramblings about The Hunger Games. Hopefully I can put this behind me now and stop having dreams about it.

I promise that the quality of my posts will start to improve after this one...

I'm Back! Insomnia and All...

Seriously? This is ridiculous.

I've been home for three and a half days and I've already turned into the insomniac I was right before I left.

This isn't exactly what I had planned for my first post-mission post, but alas, it is nearing the 3 o'clock hour in the middle of the night and I have still been quite unsuccessful of singing myself to sleep. And my fingers were actually itching to type which is a sensation I haven't really felt yet since being home, so I decided to run with it.

So, here's the deal. My first mistake: I took a bit of a nap today which caused me to not be very tired when I laid my head down to sleep. My second mistake: I picked up Hunger Games hoping that reading would lull me into a sleepier state. (Uh, that was stupid. I should know myself well enough to remember that once I pick up a novel I can hardly put it down.) My third mistake: I have lots of heavy stuff on my mind. Like grown-up heavy stuff. Ugh. Moving, career, relationship. Yeah, the big stuff. It's hard to fall asleep when your mind is racing between running from savage teenagers trying to kill the protagonist that you don't really even like that much anyways, to moving to Utah [but where exactly?], to finding a teaching job and going through the application and interview process and then the never ending process of preparing to teach if I do in fact land a job, and lastly to the thought of the unknown but approaching day when I get to see him again for the first time in at least 2 years. Now do you question at all why I can't sleep?

Besides this, the adjustment has been fine. I will provide greater detail at a later time when I'm a bit more coherent so I won't be as embarrassed going back and reading about it as I will be later when I read this post. Don't judge me. My brain is whacked out right now.