Eight Months

Eight months since my little one left my womb for the arms of Jesus have gone by now, and there has not been one single day that I haven't wished he could be in my arms instead. There has not been one single day that I haven't wondered how his presence would have changed our family dymanic. There has not been one single day that I haven't wished Aidan could know his little brother. I. Miss. Him. I miss him deeply. I'll miss him forever.

I don't understand why we have to live in such a broken and cruel world. I don't understand the necessity for pain and heartache. I don't understand why an innocent infant had to die such a senseless death. I don't understand why I was left behind to endure the aftermath. I don't understand, but I choose to trust God.

It is hard for me to trust though. It's a daily struggle to trust a God that I feel let me down by allowing my son to die. But I know my God. I know He loves me. I know he mourns with me. My world was shaken, yet He stood by me while I fought my way out of depression and deep, deep anger towards Him. I'm still angry, I don't trust easily, I'm cynical towards the "easy answers" people give in times of hurt, I don't waste my time with people who have let me down, I'm extremely fearful of losing the rest of my family, but I love with a deeper passion. That love comes from God. I can love because He loves me with that same passion. That is how I move forward.

I watched a Hermie and Friends video by Max Lucado with Aidan the other day, and in it, Hermie wasn't happy being an ordinary caterpillar and kept trying to become something he wasn't, but God kept telling Hermie that He wasn't finished with him yet. Eventually, Hermie became a beautiful butterfly. It was a simple children's video, but through it, I was reminded that God is not finished with me yet. Through my bitterness and rage, he has opened my heart to love others more than I have ever before. He wouldn't give me that without a reason. I choose to believe He isn't finished with my family yet. I will love on another baby one day - a baby of my own. My lifetime heart's desire has been to be a mother to multiple children. I know that I already am, but I also want to raise multiple children, not just birth them.

I miss my son, and I always will, but through him, I am learning who I truly am.

Christmas Celebrations

Christmas Eve

Great Grandad

Aunt Kat

Grandma

Grandpa

Aidan with his new chair and book.


Daddy and Aidan and their toy guns. These are the loudest things ever. They will soon have to "disappear."



Aunt Kat and Uncle Mark



SNOW!! The first white Christmas I've ever had! :)

Christmas Morning

Aidan's new train table all set up.

Aidan's new bike from Santa.

Spiderman Mr. Potato Head. I think Daddy and his superheroes are really starting to rub off.

Daddy and Star Trek

Christmas Afternoon

Remote Control Police Car from Uncy B.

Candyland from Aunt Megan

Aidan, my dad, and me setting up Aidan's ladybug track.

Grammy and Luke

Jonathan (or Uncle Jon Jon as Aidan calls him)

Josh's new toy.

Aunt Megan and Uncle Jon Jon

Uncy B. The marshmallow wars have begun.

Even Aidan steals Daddy's gun and gets in on it.

Us.

Aidan and Josh's Snowman :)

Our new entertainment center. Eventually there will be another shelf on the right side as well. We just need to get another paycheck or two first. :)

Christmas Mourning

Christmas had a different feel about it this year. There was still the joy; the joy of knowing we celebrate because of God's first born son, Jesus Christ and the joy of my own first born son, but a fog of sadness seemed to hang over it all as we missed the presence of Levi among the crowd of family. I loved watching Aidan this morning. His excitement over his new bike and train set was contagious. Yet, I noticed there were only 3 stockings hanging, not 4. I realized there seemed to be presents missing. I couldn't help wondering what would Levi have done this morning? Would he have been joyous about his new toys? Would he have tried playing with all of Aidan's new toys? Would Aidan have let him? Would he have laughed and looked on bright eyed as Aidan took his bike out for his first ride around the living room? Would his laughter and smile fill our home as Aidan's did? Would he have cooperated for our family Christmas picture, unlike his brother?

Yesterday, I watched The Muppets Christmas Carol with Aidan. I've seen this movie at least 100 times. I know the story. I know what happens. But I cried when Tiny Tim died. I cried as I watched Kermit and Mrs. Piggy grieve over the death of their son. Because I know. I know what that feels like. It's not a pleasant feeling. It hurts. It leaves you breathless and unsure how to take your next step. It leaves a void in your life and in your heart. A void that you long to fill, but have no idea how to do so.

I had real smiles for Aidan this morning, but at times, I wondered if he could sense the sadness behind them. I hope not. I hope he knows that I love him infinitely. I hope he will grow to know that he can never do anything to take my love away. Levi's death has only made my love for him stronger as I've learned to cherish every single tiny moment with Aidan because of the knowledge of the shortness of life I now possess. I hate that knowledge.

I had a good Christmas. I enjoyed the time spent with my little family and our extended families. You can't help but have a fun Christmas with 3 little 2 year olds running around the house, especially when they are given remote control cars by their uncle and motorized car tracks by their grandparents. Then throw in the marshmallow guns and a bag of marshmallows that Josh, Jonathan, and Brian were given by my grandparents, and it's a house filled with laughter.

But I missed Levi in the quiet moments. I missed him in the moment I opened a tiny stocking with his name on it made by my mother. I missed him in the moment I opened a yellow rose ornament given by Mimzy. I missed him in the moments everyone was watching movies and the boys were still playing. Levi should have been playing right along with them.

This first Christmas was hard, but I suppose all the firsts will be hard.

Merry Christmas, Levi

Mommy, Daddy, and Aidan love you.

Grateful

As I've mentioned before, the holiday season is especially hard on me this year. Christmas has always been about spending time with family for me, and it's so hard to want to continue that celebration when a large portion of my family is missing from me.

Aidan is so excited to learn about baby Jesus and listens intently as I tell him the true meaning of Christmas while we play with his nativity set. I'll never get to do this with Levi, but I'll never have to because he is in heaven with Jesus right now learning the true meaning from Jesus himself.

Despite my sadness, I am finding reasons to be grateful this holiday season

"Better is one day in your courts than thousands elsewhere." Psalm 84:10

Levi is there right now. He's not looking back and wishing he could be on earth. He is safe and happy. He will never know pain, anger, sadness, or heartache. For that I am grateful.

I am grateful for Aidan. Without him, Josh and I would probably say, "What's the point?" pack up our bags, leave town, and not celebrate Christmas this year. Aidan's excitement about Santa, Christmas, and Jesus this year keeps us going. It's because of Aidan that I put up the tree and decorated the house. It's because of Aidan we bought presents and are going to family's homes. It's because of Aidan that Josh and I are recognizing the holidays this year.

I am grateful for my friends. My friends recognize that this is a hard time of the year for me. They continue to invite me to parties and coffee and force me to be social when it's the last thing I feel like doing, yet I generally have a good time once I get out. They're gentle with me and allow me to be selfish and bitter when needed without judgement. It's through them that I see God's love for me.

So, I'm trying this holiday season. Trying to find things in life to be grateful for. Trying to not allow my sadness to completely take the joy of Christmas from me. Trying to continue to celebrate the real meaning of Christmas.

Lately...

Lately, I feel the urge to run. I want to pack up my family and run to a place where we can escape all our pain and heartache. Holidays and family and friends and gatherings and parties make it hard to escape my sorrow. Christmas has always been about family for me, but this year, for the first time, I dread Christmas because my beloved Levi is forever missing. Christmas morning will not be complete. So, I want to run away from holidays and family and friends and gatherings and parties. I'm fighting an urge to withdraw, but I'm afraid I'm not going to win this battle. I'm contacting my friends less and less, and I'm staying home more and more. I don't even want to leave my house in order to go to Aidan's grandparents' houses for Christmas celebrations. I want to stay within the confines of the walls of my home, my safe haven where I can be me. Outside of these walls, I feel that I have to put on a brave face for others, but I don't want to anymore. I'm going back into my safe place. A place that I don't let many people in because it hurts less that way.

Lately, I look forward to seeing Aidan's face on Christmas morning. He understands what is going on for the first time this year. He asked Santa for a bike, and Santa is bringing him a bike, so I know he's going to thrilled. I look forward to seeing the look of excitement on my almost 3 years old's face on Christmas morning.

Lately, I hate that this season is so bittersweet for Josh and me.

An Unexpected Package

Packages arriving at our house around Christmas time is not an uncommon thing as Josh and I do a large portion of our shopping online. I don't like crowds, therefore, I avoid the malls at all cost once Thanksgiving hits. Yesterday, however, I received an unexpected package on my front step with my name on it. I didn't recognize the sender and the box didn't appear to be the right size to fit anything I was expecting. Josh's family sometimes sends cookies or candy for Christmas, so I thought maybe that's what was inside. Inside the large box was a smaller box, and printed on the side was:

"Baby in Wings

Orn Baby's

First Xmas"

I immediately started crying. Without even opening the box, I knew it was an ornament for Levi. At this point, I still didn't know who sent it, but I knew somebody had thought of me and my Levi. I opened the box to find this:

A baby asleep in the wings of an angel.

I dug to the bottom of the larger box and pulled out the receipt to discover that my sister had ordered this ornament. I called her to thank her. She said she looked through a lot of "Baby's First Christmas in Heaven" ornaments (I didn't even know they made those!), but that she liked the imagery of this one the best, and felt the angel wings implied heaven. I have to say I agree. I understood it before she ever explained the meaning.

Thank you, Megan. Thank you for helping me find a way to remember Levi this Christmas.

Our Visit to the North Pole

To Levi

Levi,

Dearest lovie, I thought of you a lot today. I even bought some Christmas gifts for you. I'm going to donate them to children that may not get a Christmas without your gifts. I know you won't mind. I wish I could really give them to you. I wish you were here pulling ornaments off the tree while learning how to crawl. I wish you were annoying your brother by taking all his toys. I wish your brother knew you as more than just a black and white photograph on our wall. I wish a lot of things, but alas, none of them will ever come to fruitation. I just miss you. In the deepest part of my heart, I long for you. I have a never ending ache that I fear will not come to an end until I get to hold in my arms at the gates of heaven. You'll be waiting for me there, won't you?

You are always on my mind. I love you with all my heart.
Always and forever,
Mommy

I Am Spending Christmas With Jesus This Year

I see the countless Christmas trees,
Around the world below,
With tiny lights like Heaven's stars
Reflecting on the snow.

The sight is so spectacular,
Please wipe away that tear,
For I am spending Christmas
With Jesus Christ this year!

I hear the many Christmas songs
That people hold so dear,
But the sounds of music can't compare
With Heaven's Choir up here.

I have no words to tell you
The joy their voices bring,
For it's far beyond description
Just to hear the angels sing!

I know how much you miss me,
I see the pain inside your heart,
But I'm not so very far away;
We're really not apart.

So be happy for me, Dear Ones,
You know I hold you dear
And be glad I'm spending Christmas
With Jesus Christ this year!

I send you each a special gift
From my Heavenly home above.
I send you each a memory
Of my undying love!

After all, Love is The Gift
More precious than pure gold.
It was always most important
In the stories Jesus told.

Please love and keep each other,
As my Father said to do,
For I can't count the blessings
Or the love He has for you!

So have a Merry Christmas,
And wipe away that tear,
Remember ...
I am spending Christmas
With Jesus Christ this year!

Snow Day

It was snowing when we woke up this morning. Yes, snow in Dallas, Texas. I know. Hard to believe, but it does happen from time to time. I immediately bundled Aidan and myself up, and we headed outside with our pjs still on. Snow doesn't last long in Texas, so you have to catch it when you can. Josh came out as well, and snapped a few pictures, but didn't stay long because he was already running late for work.

Look! There's snow on our roof!

It rained all day yesterday, so the ground is super wet. Our back patio slopes down a bit, so all the water collects in this corner. Aidan kept trying to splash in the water. I guess he didn't get that freezing cold water will hurt your toes because eventually, this is the reason we went back inside the house. "My toes hurt, Mama!"

See? In the water again.

Does it snow in heaven, Levi?

Look, Mommy! There's snow on my slide!

Aidan tried to catch snow flakes on his tongue.

He had so much fun!

Mommy and Aidan. This is just a horrible picture of me. Self portraits never turn out well.

It stopped snowing shortly after we went back in the house, and now at noon, all the snow has melted and left behind a big wet, mushy mess. Like I said, snow doesn't last long in Texas, but we enjoyed it while we could.

Gingerbread House

Yesterday, I decided to quick off the start of December by making a gingerbread house with Aidan. I bought a kit that had a premade house, and all we had to do was decorate it. Easy peasy, right? Umm, no. Note to self, in the future, don't pick a project to do "together" that is going to wind up having me do all the work! Aidan seemed to enjoy himself, nonetheless.

Getting started. He's asking me to open the bag of candy here. Can you figure out what he spent to most time doing? That's right. Eating the candy rather than decorating with it.

Icing the house. He started out doing it, but the icing set really quickly and was really thick, so I had to help him in the end.

Decorating the roof with candy. He didn't eat all of it.

He was pleased with his decorating job. That one side of the roof had random pieces of candy stuck everywhere.

Tada!

Today, that very same gingerbread house is completely bare of all candy. I'll give you one guess as to what happened to it all.