So I post Halloween pictures in December....who freakin cares?

Yeah, i always forget to update this thing. Its not that there is nothing going on, its just that i really can find better things to do to occupy my time in leu of writing witty and sometimes scathing remarks about my children and relatives. Granted, its fun to do so, but its not like i'm a dancing monkey who can come up with this stuff whenever someone throws a nickel at my feet...ok, maybe i can, but sometimes there are reruns of Futurama on and there is always a hope its an episode i haven't seen yet....here are some pictures.


My little family as Star Wars characters. Its like someone re-wrote the series staring little ginger kids as the main characters who's fatal flaws have more to do with too much exposure to the sun and our delicate skin, rather then struggling with the light and dark sides of the force.


Simon and Charley getting ready for the candy feast. Charley wasnt to keen on going and putting on that freakin hat-ear thing but once we demonstrated the whole "candy goes into your bag when you hold it up" concept, he strapped that headgear on and started giving me advice on how to approach the doors with maximum efficiency.


We went to a Halloween bash where they placed donuts on strings as a party game. The participants then had to eat the donut as fast as possible while competing with others. We considered Charley the clean up crew. Much like a man holding a bucket and a shovel walking behind an elephant parade. He didnt really get the game, but he enjoyed "sweeping" at the conclusion of each round.


All that "sweeping" made charley a mess. We had to take of his shirt and change him, and of course he asked us to take a few shots of his muscle structure so he can document his progress throughout his new exercise regimen. Cause apparently being freakin cute and cuddly isnt enough for him anymore. He hopes to one day draw conclusions for the unanswerable questions, to control his own surroundings with a mere thought, so that one day he too may call himself a brother of the gods.....He's become quite mad over the years....quite mad.....but for now......look at the glowing cuteness of that kid...sheesh, if i had money i would just hand it over to him for no apparent reason.

The Great Pumpkin

The boys went to a pumpkin farm and one of the attractions were goats...yeah...i know...freakin goats...who really wants to pet a goat? It's like petting the green scrubbing part of a dish sponge. We dont have any really cute fuzzy animals, but hey, here's goat, and it will eat stuff from your hands....and probably walk on your toes quite possibly making your children cry......cause hey, its a freaking goat...thats what they do. Yeah, im not too fond of goats. I like this picture because it reminds me of the movie "terminator 2". Specifically the scene were the lead actress is looking at a pleasant scene from behind a chain linked fence, then a bomb goes off and she slowly sees everything get vaporized while gripping onto the fence in agony....ok...just the beginning part, where everything is lovely and pleasant and warm fuzzies fill your mind and not the whole apocalyptic outcome, end of the known word thing.


Simon is touching the goat with much reluctance and Charlie is getting ready to push the goat of the hay bail. He learned "king of the hill" this particular week and was getting in some much needed practice. Even if he was able to actually push a goat off the hay bail, c'mon...they're freakin goats...*see above post for better clarification.



Charlie discovered that these suckers would eat anything he holds in his hands. Portable garbage disposals is pretty much what you're lookin at. All i know is that after charlies visit to this little farm, there may be a few goats with some tummy aches.


"Once there was this goat on a stack of hay bails, about this size, and i walked up to him and put my hands like this and pushed...it was so funny...everyone around us was laughing and that stupid goat just stared off into space lying on his back."


This pumpkin farm had a rule....you take what you can carry. Simon wanted this one....and you can tell his hernia is kicking in based on his facial contortions...or hes just a 5 year old, more accustomed to lifting legos and hotdogs. I really dig that rule...i wish it applied to everything...it would give me a reason to work out.

A few images to wet your clater addiction

So, its been quite a while since that last "update" to this blog, as the kids now-a-days are saying....but you really must consider that some of us actually have jobs. See how that math works...pretty simple i know. Anyway, this is just a taste of the morsels of cute that are to come.



You can see the fear in Simon's eyes as his plan begins to unfold. The heavy slumber in which charlie has partaken of, unaware of the peering eyes looking to lay hold of that which is held so dear to him. The bit of sandwich, stealing the suns rays and with it, a bit of hope that can fill an empty belly.....Simon will strike soon, and its captured light will be consumed.


Our neighbor grant came over to dress up with simon and then strike manly poses for anyone who happened across them...Charlie just got nekkid and sat near them to bask in a little of their runoff glory. I think charlie was confused about the dress up theme and was trying theatrically portray that little parrot-esque monster in "Return of the Jedi"....you know...the one that just sits on Jabba's lap and laughs in a high pitched squeal.


This is simon posing and looking FABULOUS! (if you say fabulous in a louder vabrato voice with an almost singing quality, you'll know what im going for) he later then explained to me in order to be taken seriously in the business world, i have to "match my leathers" and always use a specific type of skin care product of which i cant recall the name of.

Fodder to Fuel your Clater Burn.

Why are children fascinated with empty boxes....is it a symbolic act to define their individuality in this life, to show that possessions are nothing more then temporary objects destined to remain and waste away as this mortal coil expires? awww..but look how cute they are all crammed in that tiny space...like leftovers from a half decent dinner that you are not quite sure if you will get to it before you have to pitch it out.


its hard to do the "stare off into space in a dignified manner" while you're all nekkid in a foot of water freezing your nips off.


"oh geez...not this s@&% again....."

Simon, in all his glory

What?...update this blog and less then a week has passed?...un-freakin heard of...well, the only thing on tonight was a Sandra Bullock movie called "Hope Floats". After 15 minutes of watching it i realized so does poop. Needless to say, i found my way updstairs and into this blog, fingers itching to type my most inner trifle meanderings.


Simon is my first born, as many of the viewers of this blog may know. This of course entitles me to mold him any way i see fit. If this somehow backfires, we chalk it up to him being the first born and none is the wiser. Its almost like a free pass as a parent. Anyway...Simon is obsessed with Star Wars, even though we wont let him actually watch the movies. He has quite the active imagination and most likely they would give him nightmares, thus creating a miserable night for us...the freakin toilet flushing scares him, so we aren't taking any chances.


"hey baby....saved you a spot...your feet must be tired from wondering around in my mind all day....yeah...you heard that right....if you're interested, I've got a pretty decked-out bike...training wheels and all...nice and shiny, but i gotta warn you, i've never ridden tandem before, but i hear its all the rage. I peddle, you sit on the handle bars...no pressure though...its just gonna be out of site and it'd be cool if you were there"



"Seriously?....of all the CDs you could have scanned to let me try out these pretty cool headphones, you scanned Enya? what part of me not being a girl don't you get? C'mon.....seriously...you listen to this? Casios and undecypherable moans?...so I'm guessing this chick just gave up on writing lyrics and thought we wouldn't catch her drunk jaunt in the music world?"

Geekin it up: Part II

This is Part 2 to the ongoing series of Comic-Con goodness.
I would suggest scrolling down and hitting the first part up to begin with so that the posts regarding this geekfest has more of a natural progression...cause starting with Erin Grey may cause awesomeness overload....or boredom...im pretty sure there is a fairly narrow interest in these kind of posts....you know...comics and stuff.


Erin Grey of "Buck Rogers in the 25th Century" Fame. I sure she has been in some other things over the years (Silver Spoons being one of them if i recall right) but lets be honest, she will always be the hot chick in the skin tight sparkly space uniform who conversed with a poorly designed robot named Twiggy. Yeah, thats right, i remember the robots name....Comic Con? me going to it?....yeah.....i fit right in.


Bruce Campbell, the man, the legend. He passed by me to buy some junk and i snapped a quick picture of him. He was keeping a pretty low profile and moving as fast as he could. Comic-geeks are notorious for not being able to focus on fast moving objects and im sure he was well aware of that genetic defect as he sped past the throngs of fans weaving and dodging. Trial and error on his part i suppose. Bruce Campbell in all his B-Movie glory is to the Comic-Con goer as the Beatles were to underage screaming girls. He and i both realized right after my flash went off that i had blown his cover and i saw the panic in his eyes as heads turned instinctively towards the bright light. He was gone just as fast as he came. Yeti would have been proud.


We (both of my brothers and I) were all pretty geeked out when we happened upon a booth that was giving away free "Greatest American Hero" comics. It was a call back to my childhood watching TV on friday nights with my family...in comic form. We spoke to the booth attendant about how we loved this show and inquired a bit more about the comic to which the booth attendant replied "well, why dont you just go ask William Katt and Robert Culp, they are sitting right over there and signing the comics". Yeah, thats right, the stars of the show were sitting kitty corner from the booth. My brothers and i jumped up and screamed with girlish joy. Travis even began to do a little giddy dance that, when pressed, I'm sure he would be willing to do it again to show you his excitement. Autographs were had, praises to these men were given, and a photo-op was the outcome....great ending to a fun-filled day.

Geekin it up once again...Comic Con style: Part 1

Cort and some random vampire chick promoting the sequel to "30 Days of Night". Im guessing its not going to be as good as the first considering the first kinda sucked monkey balls. Either way it she was pretty creepy to look at and it was one more opportunity for Cort to practice talking to girls who are completely uninterested in him.


Eric Estrada took a break from promoting real estate on infomercials to pencil a Comic Con in?....yeah confusing for me as well...and a just a dash of sad rolled in there also.


Cort wasnt as excited to be in my pictures as he was last year, so here he is questioning the point of it all, perhaps swirled with a bit of anger at the notion of me forcing him to do something so beneath him....then again it was a couple of star wars guys dressed up as generic troops. Basically they spent hours upon hours and most likely a few hundred bucks to be "background extras"...whats the point.


Travis was geeking it out to a few people on the street dressed as "V" soldiers. You know..."V"...the series...reptile people come to earth to harvest humans for food....ringing any bells? yeah, thats why there was no one else around taking pictures with them. Anyway, I really enjoyed the series.



Travis with 2 gals dressed up as the stars of "Avatar, the Last Airbender" series. Its a cartoon....and it rocks......i watch cartoons...what of it?

Ok, its been a while....piss off.

A little belly-bound boy pulling charlie's hair and giggling. One would think that Charlie would just stand up and walk away, but alas, his only reaction is to sit, cry and point showing all of us his excellent coping skills to real world scenarios.


The boys went to a strawberry farm as part of some field trip for Simon's pre-school....i think. To be quite honest, i dont really remember as more updated and relevant information is now occupying that portion of my brain. Here we see Charlie explaining to the strawberries that men over 30 should really get themselves checked out on a regular basis and then he began to show them in lurid detail how to self-check themselves. He just cares that much. Makes a father proud.


Simon wants to show how fat on strawberries charlie has gotten. He accomplishes this by holding him and trying out some new form of reverse CPR which seems to not affect charlie at all. I think the desired end result Simon was looking for was perhaps a bit of strawberry mixed with bile concoction exploding from Charlie's mouth which, fortunately for Melissa, did not happen.


Extensive tests regarding my theories that children are nothing more then drunk midgets have finally begun to produce results. Case in point....

Random Images

Simon is practicing his recently acquired job skills for when we boot him out of the house at 18. Throw in some crazy and he has it down pat.


mmmmm...your soul looks tasty. I can haz it?

The Adventures of Petting and Zoo

We went to a local petting zoo. Mostly bunnies and guinea pigs....so more like visiting someone's house who has a hoarding disorder. Here we see charlie discovering the animals as they cower in against fences anticipating the horror that is about to befall them.


Its like watching a shopper handle the produce in order to find that one piece of fruit that is just right..."mmmm...you feel just right...i wonder how you taste...naughty fruit...."


"GET IN MA BELLY!"



At the zoo there was a pen with the larger animals that would actually jump up on you if they felt you had food. Here we see simon winding up to what I would assume would be a power kick if the animal decided to turn on him. He's swift with punishment but he does it with love.....and also a small dash of fear. I too am waiting for the animal to turn on him....more out of curiosity then anything else. Simon, being our first child, grants me the ability to test things out on him. If the animal were to have turned on him, we would have both learned a valuable lesson. It's a WIN/WIN situation.

The Adventures of Petting and Zoo Part II

"No Mr. Bond...i expect you to die...."
(notice that the guinea pig is in a plastic container normally reserved for the carrots you buy to feed the various animals...he has issues with rodents sitting on his lap. This was the only way he would allow it.)


We wanted simon to experience the great outdoors....so we paid for a ride on a small pony where he was buckled with 5 different belts, then lead by the trainer around in a circle trailed by melissa and charlie all along the way. Take a deep breath of that controlled environment air.....thats right, we're hardcore.


They also had a turtle....which sat there and looked at his food. like watching water boil.


"Hey turtle....c'mere....move or something....hey...look at my finger...my worm-like finger dangling in your habitat...look at it moving...drawing your attention, you know you want to bite it...come get it....it looks oh so tasty.......MOOOOOOVE!."


"Seriously?......seriously? you brought me here....to this? a freakin turtle that stares off into space. Where am i?....a nursing home?..get me out of here and you'd better damn well buy me a quesadilla."

The case of the missing whales.....

Simon's preschool went whale watching as one of their field trips. Here we see Simon and Charlie on the docked boat ready for their swanky adventure....but charlie brushed up against the captain while boarding the boat, thus activating his powers to see the future...as you can tell, what he saw displeases him.


The Journey begins, the anticipation rises as the thought of catching a glimpse of such a large aquatic beast bellowing out upon the surface of the water, reminding us of our own mortality....or....maybe not...perhaps its more focused on the potential of getting a corn dog after a cool boat ride.


Simon looking for a whale.....aiming at the sky....a whale....aimed at the sky....this is why we have him in preschool.


Simon realizing that there arent any whales and that using binoculars suck monkey balls. Hopefully he got that corn dog, but im not putting money on that notion either.

Friends...we have a few

We had the rare privilege to see some bestest friends from Montana while visiting Virginia...yeah go figure, they were both there at the same time. Julie is busy wondering how those little people get into her camera every time she pushes the shiny button and Jenn is wondering when simon is going to be distracted long enough for her to yoink his milkshake. It was awesome seeing these two lovely ladies again and it helped us remember what its like to have friends around that feel more like family. Sucks monkey balls that they live so far away though.....Monkey....Balls...thats right, i make no apologies for that comment.


Jenn, now realizing that she'd have to break Simon's fingers to pry the milk shake away, pretends to be part of the conversation....but ultimately if she had swiped it, Simon would probably just show his "sad face" as discussed previously in which your heart would melt and you would give into his demands. Curses! I must harness his sad face for my own fortune....i should write that down on a notepad or something.

The holidays...we haz enjoyed

Charley is scoping out the fine women in the airport. Mmmmm fanny packs and jean shorts.


Here we see Melissa happy as always to travel with 2 children. i think this is on our way back from Virginia. We see angry Miss more and more during the return trips. Oh yeah...she's giving me the evil eye. and the light source from above her gives her that godfather quality. She'd break your legs, and then probably apologize...maybe make you some tea...probably do errands for you as you recuperate....pick up your mail...watch your kids or something. Yeah...she'd pretty much be an all around crappy mobster


Simon is so excited to see the dentist for the first time (my father being said dentist). his faith and hopes will soon be shattered when he gets a metal hook thingy scraping his teeth. "Oh...im just looking" says my father and he pokes and pushes cold, calculated steel around on the inside of the teeth. Like biting asphalt or scraping a chalk board with aluminum siding. "Don't worry, your teeth look fine" as a glance towards his dental drill gives his inner thoughts away....or maybe that was what I remember and not so much Simon's experience.


yeah, he was pretty chill and even got to pick his own dental paste junk (mint i believe was his choice) that dentists use on that plunger looking thing that spins around like a mini-sander.


Not an optical illusion...those pins are about the size of a small turtle. Over X-mas we, as a family, decided to go bowling in a small bitty town in pennsylvania, or west virginia...I really have no idea where it was located. We just drove and stopped here.
We thought it was little kid night or, midget monday or something, but alas, it was Duckpin bowling...meaning they are always this small and the bowling balls fit in the palm of your hands. Needless to say, normal bowling rules do not apply, nor do the physics of it. I reverted to my childhood and threw the ball aimlessly, more concerned with being mocked by the locals then actually hitting any pins.