I figured it was finally time to come back to the blog after such a long hiatus.
I wont say why it has taken me so long but I will say that I’ve experienced a lot over the last year and a half.
Though a lot of the experiences I’ve been going through have been inexplicably hard and unbearable to the point of almost giving up, I wouldn’t change one single thing.
I’m still learning from everything. I still have to make a conscious effort to fix the broken pieces of a heart that never really has been free.
When I was younger, I thought some experiences I went through then were tough. Now looking back, I see that I myself created those experiences and they are no match for those that I am experiencing as an adult. Maybe I created them because subconsciously I wanted to prepare myself for what I somehow knew was to come when I got older. But I didn’t pay attention like I should have. I didn’t learn the lessons I should have. I guess it’s true what they say, youth really IS wasted on the young.
I’ve been learning to find my own moments of peace and solace to be able to turn to. Not in the form of someone in my life (although Cambree and now Lawson will always continue to be that healing peace and solace forever), but moments that aren’t tied to someone that has come into my life or words that someone in my life has said. Nothing that comes from a text message or e-mail. But in the sunset on a spring night. Or at dusk as I’m driving home from work with the sunroof open and the music cranked, like I use to do in high school. The form of a song, or even simply sitting on my bed at night, reading.
It’s been nice living in Fairview while these things have been going on. The commute to work is a big down fall but to be in this place that I have fallen in love with so much while the sun starts to come out again and the flowers bloom, when the sounds of fourwheelers can be heard all over town and people on horses go for nightly rides, the crisp air hinting at spring and being close to the majority of my nieces and nephews and siblings… it’s all been so healing for me! I know for a fact that whether I’m married or not in my future, I will find a small town to plant my roots again.
Speaking of small towns, Wednesday was a day that marks a moment in history. (Ok, so maybe only my history) we said goodnight to Tree Hill, North Carolina. Forever. (Well, kind of forever but kind of not because I own every season on dvd and have season 9 pre-ordered). One Tree Hill. It’s been nine eventful years in a small town that most of the world doesn’t even know exists. I grew up with the kids of Tree Hill. I could relate to them. Their situations. Their experiences. Their highs and lows. Thats one thing that has made this tv show so great."Tree Hill is just a place, somewhere in the world. Maybe it's a lot like your world. Maybe it's nothing like it. But if you look closer, you might see someone like you"
When the show started my sophmore year, I could best find myself in Peyton Sawyer. The angsty teenage girl who saw that popularity was something that was shallow, and meaningless to the real world. (she had a point). She would sit in her room and brood while drawing, (I would sit in my room and brood while writing), both of us blasting our music with haunting lyrics. While the part about writing and listening to music with haunting lyrics never left, towards the middle of my junior year I started to see myself in Brooke a little more and more. When Brooke Davis made her debut in the second episode of the series, she could've easily been written off as brainless, slutty and your typical cheerleader cliche. 
I didn't understand it. I wasn't promiscuous, I kept straight A's with Honors and AP classes, my parents didn't throw money at me instead of spending time with me. But once Brooke knew that what she had done in the past didn't define her, it wasn't going to keep her from the things she really wanted in order to grow as a person.
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As the seasons continued, I watched Brooke get her heart broken, while mine broke right along with it. She made some bad choices and I made some bad choices. She felt her world crumbling down and Heaven knows I've felt that more than a time or two. But in the end, she came out stronger than ever. She found who she wanted to be in all the heartache she went through. She found herself. And once she found herself, the girl behind the red door got the boy, the babies, the career and everything she wished for.
I'd like to think that can happen for me someday if I can overcome what I've been faced with. Maybe I can come out of this stronger, I can find myself, I can finally become that person that I've always dreamed of being.
Don't get me wrong. I don't live in Tree Hill. I know that it's just a tv show, that tv shows are created by dramatic people and actors. But I also know that we create the life we want to live. So no, I can't create the billions Brooke made with her on fashion company and I can't create a world where my best friends from high school come home to live with their families and we open up cafe's together. I can't even create the very handsome, rugged and wonderful movie producer to find me and put my heart back together, sweeping me off my feet and giving me everything I've dreamed of.
But if I can create the person I want to be. The person who would be deserving of any of those things to happen, I can open the door for my own wishes to come into my life.
As I continue on this journey of self discovery, of letting go of the person I’ve been and finding out just why I’ve been that person.. I sometimes revel in the fact that the world really is at my fingertips. Why couldn’t I pick up and move to St. George to be with my best friends? Why couldn’t I work on a budget to find a fabulous apartment? Why couldn’t I take chances that I never thought I’d take? I can. This is MY time. My time to figure out what life has to offer me and how far I can take it.
Not all of my posts are going to continue to be this deep. And there probably isn’t even anyone reading this. But if you are, I hope that as you follow my journey into becoming a better me, the me I want to be… maybe you can find something along the way that helps you to become the you that you’ve always wanted to be too!
Xoxo-Whit
