Oxymorons and Just Plain Morons: A Christmas Rant

ox·y·mo·ron

a figure of speech by which a locution produces an incongruous, seemingly self-contradictory effect, as in “cruel kindness” or “to make haste slowly.”

mo·ron

a person who is notably stupid or lacking in good judgment.

It has long been my contention that the average person loses dozens of IQ points when entering a store.  Doctors lose all ability to do math, children become parrots constantly squawking : "Mommy, can I have this", "but Mommy you said...." , and the rest of the population suddenly does not understand the English language. That being said, I would like to present a few of the Christmas Shopper Archetypes.

The Boomer: usually an older male with a sonorous, overpowering voice repetitiously repeating a sale price and/or product of dubious desirability. Often demands said product/price regardless of availability. Category: Moron


The "Selfless" Mother: a woman (mother or grandmother) in desperate need of discount on Johnny's Christmas present.  Claims poverty and looks to capitalize on the 'season of giving' spirit to get her special little that perfect present. Category: Oxymoron (the pleas of poverty and begging for that discount are often for expensive, over priced fad toys, soon to be found in garbage dumps everywhere)


Our Shopper of Eternal Questions: Can be a man or woman. This person has no idea what to get their loved ones and they want your help.  Usually asks your opinion on everything from the color ("Is this royal blue? Susie said Jenny likes royal blue.") to whether or not something is popular with an age group ("My cousin Sally's daughter is 13 and 3/4. Do you think she's too old for this or would something else be better?).  They do not seem to realize you've never met Susie, Greg, Johnny, Lynn, ect. but your opinion is gospel. If you like it their loved one will too so they require you for every step of shopping process.


The Foreign Family: A group of individuals mostly related and always includes at least 3 children of preadolescent ages speaking a foreign language. The adults of this collective do not appear to have any concept of English or numbers and constantly send their annoying offspring to ask you how much every item they pick up is.  When said family checks out the adults feel compelled to finally tell you in ENGLISH that they don't speak English. Category: oxymoron, moron


The Clueless Father/Husband: a male sent into the dreaded territory of "the store" to do one of two things. Either they are trying to pick up a present for their significant other and have no clue what to get, what size she wears, what her favorite color is, or any other basic preferences that might make picking a gift even remotely possible; or they have been sent to the store to pick up an elusive product that their wife has specifically told them not to come home without. The first one wants your help but is relatively easy to placate because they will trust your opinion on just about everything. The second will "know it when they see it" but of course they never see it and then you must play 20 questions to get close to what the product is. And then its usually wrong prompting clueless father/husband's wife to stomp in later demanding an item not even close to what the man thought it might be.


These are just a few of the delights that await retail workers the moment they clock in.  The reality is sometimes much worse but alas, those without retail jobs rarely appreciate the trails we experience on a daily basis. Thank god the Christmas season is only 6 weeks!

The British Are Coming!

There is a certain magic associated with books. They transport you, whisk you away to far away places and times. Whole worlds are created and destroyed with the turning of a page. A good book can make you laugh, cry, and even change the way you see the world.

For those of you who don't know me, I will read just about anything I can get my hands on but I have a special place in my heart for literature written for, by, or about England. I love the mystical quality that seems to pervade even the most mundane works because they carry that special trait of simply being ENGLISH. 


That being said, I recently discovered a major flaw in the literary world. Recently, I started a book written by an English author. So far, so good.  The plot line, while certainly not original, was mildly entertaining. However this particular author seemed to be intrigued by the American condition. So being, the work was based in Washington, DC and included only American characters.

You may be wondering why this is important. I will tell you. This author (I use the term loosely) committed the ultimate literary sin. He wrote about what he did not know. His dialogue was obviously an attempt at American speech, unfortunately he inserted so many English colloquialisms and turns of phrase that the result was a lamentable mishmash of broken "English".

The horror was unimaginable! How this was published escapes me! If you do not know of what you speak, remain silent! What this "writer" did was a travesty !  A corruption! A perversion! A mockery of that which defines words that are written down versus the written word! Truly, this was a painful experience.

I urge anyone contemplating writing to please make sure of the facts, the dialogue, the culture of which you write. By doing so, you will separate yourself from the drivel that calls itself a book.

Top Ten Best Cartoons of All Time

10.Daria

9. Hey Arnold

8.Fairly Odd Parents

7. Invader Zim

6. Johnny Bravo

5. Dexter's Laboratory

4. Family Guy

3. Pinky and the Brain

2. The Simpsons

1. Ren and Stimpy

Grown Up Fairy Tales

During the height of the feminist movement, women were told not to read fairy tales to their little girls. Some today still prescribe to this philosophy, contending that doing so teaches girls to be overly dependent on their "prince charming", precludes the child from finding her inner strength, and gives false expectations of love and romance, or some combination of all three.

While there may be some validity to such assertions, people who subscribe to such beliefs fail to address something of much larger concern. What could that possibly be? I'm talking about the grown up fairy tale. The one many of us pay nine dollars to see, the one that makes us sure to pack tissues in our purses, the one that has us dragging our male counterparts to see on 'date night'. That's right. The modern day romantic comedy.

Let's be honest. We all love them. We love the way that  special moment on screen makes us feel. We love the way the undoubtedly dashing male lead stares wonderingly at the beautiful heroine. And just for one instant in time we KNOW what it is to be that woman, to be the object of unbridled fascination, adoration, and love.

So we pack the tissues, plunk down the nine dollars, and settle in to be taken to that special reality where the girl always gets the guy. For two hours all is right in the world. Sure, we know that there will be problems and things to be overcome but we know, just know, that its going to work out. We watch in breathless anticipation as the lovers kiss and the credits roll. Then we walk out to our cars discussing with that particular brand of giddiness that comes from a truly great film the best parts of the feature. We get in our cars and we drive away.................to reality. We go home to mundane life where sometimes the girl isn't pretty, she doesn't get the guy and the guy is just ordinary and never shoots smoldering looks.

Is it possible that those feminists had it right? Should we not waste or time on fairy tales and guys who think more of the next video game than chivalry (that is if they can spell chivalry!)?  Perhaps the answer lies not in a choice of  reality over fantasy but instead is one of keeping hope alive for the little girl inside us all.  To the prayer that one day, we might actually find a peace of our childhood Prince Charming in the normal, everyday guy that, if we are lucky, will stand beside us through the ups and downs that is life.

New Start

It has been forever since I posted here. To be more precise it has been 1 year, 1 month, and 6 days since my last update. So perhaps I should fill the rather large gap in my blog life. Suffice to say that the events after May 26 (my last update) things got a little crazy on the family front. If I were living in ancient Greece it would have been more murder, blood and mayhem than the familial drama that unfolded.

So when then metaphorical dust began to settle, I decided that my life had reach on epoch of sorts and I moved. Strangely enough I didn't move to my dream spot (Northern England) nor the more accessible dream spot (Seattle). Instead I moved to Texas. Quite the change actually. From the people, the religion, the culture, it is almost like moving to another country.

I shall endeavor to explore the anthropological mystery that is my new local.

The Seeds of Discontent

So it has definitely been a while since this has been updated and if there's anyone out there still reading it, I would like to give an explanation, inadequate as it might be.

There is a particular kind of funk (for lack of a better word) that I have been experiencing of late. The best way I can try to describe it would be that feeling when you step out of your car at your desired location and cannot remember even the slightest bit of your journey from Point A to Point B. It is completely disconcerting and vaguely disturbing because you know you were in control of what can at times be a deadly weapon. Thus has been my life these last few months.

A kaleidoscope of people and places have all passed my by in a dizzying whir. And throughout this miasma, my ability and desire to turn a phrase were lost. A sad prospect for anyone wishing to express themselves in written form.

I have high hopes that my abilities may be returning and my world once more set aright, so I encourage everyone still out there to check back occasionally.

The Truth

Is honesty always the best policy? I am beginning to wonder. Should we always tell those closest to us what we really think? That line that defines the boundaries between honesty and cordiality is a very subjective barrier and even coming close to it can often lead to a minefield of broken trust, hurt feelings and the ever constant threat of dissolution.

There are of course those things about which we are never honest. The small favors we grant each other, "No, it doesn't make your butt look big", "Of course he like you!", are deemed acceptable because they reinforce the bonds of camaraderie and bolster self-esteem, but what happens when we give up a part of ourselves to be there for the other person?

In a relationship, we call it compromise, which as a concept sounds good. A sharing of mutual ideals, if you will. But when that sharing, that compromise, becomes one sided we begin lying not only to the other person but to ourselves. Convincing ourselves that we really want what our friend or our spouse wants because fighting against that force has become too much and clawing our way back seems impossible.

I cannot help but wonder if coming clean, laying it out, and telling the other person is more damaging and ultimately more painful than breaking free would be. And once free, is it possible to avoid that particular pitfall in the future?