Dating dysfunctional middle-aged men was the worst thing about divorce

Divorce, once rare and stigmatised, has become mainstream – 42 per cent of marriages now end this way, meaning nearly half of us can expect to experience it in our lifetime. Just as every marriage is different, so is every divorce. In this column, divorcees reflect on their life-changing experience. Helped by the benefit of hindsight, they’ll share advice and reflections.

Normal People. That’s what finally did it. Well, that and a decade of being stuck in a sexless, loveless marriage.

Watching the BBC’s adaptation of Sally Rooney’s book in spring 2020, I spewed with envy over Marianne and Connell’s intensity. I ached to experience that level of connection again. Being in the trenches of a global pandemic made it even more poignant. As a woman who was then in her mid-forties, I realised I’d already wasted half my life. And most of it with the wrong man. 

Shorts

August’s stunning Sturgeon Moon – in pictures

Why Trump has renamed Lake Ontario

How to be more grateful for daily life in five easy steps

I test drive electric cars – these are the ones to buy, and to avoid

I’m a food editor – the kitchen products I swear by under £25

Six golden rules for a happy, secure relationship by a psychiatrist of 20 years

10 foods that leave you hungrier – and what to eat instead

10 ways to age without pain – according to a physiotherapist

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August’s stunning Sturgeon Moon – in pictures

The August full moon, also called the Sturgeon Moon, lit up the night sky on Thursday. Here are a few of the best images.

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The name’s origins

The August full moon, which reached its peak in the UK shortly after 5am on Friday 28 August, is also commonly referred to as the “Sturgeon Moon”.

Why?

That’s thanks to North American fishing tribes, who are understood to have dubbed it as such because the sturgeon species of fish appeared in number during this particular month.

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Why was this Sturgeon Moon red?

In many parts of the world, including the UK, California and Australia, a partial lunar eclipse – whereby the Earth passed between the sun and the moon, placing the moon briefly in its shadow – was also observed.

As sunlight that passes through the Earth’s atmosphere is scattered, and red light can pass through in greater abundance due to its longer wavelength, the moon appeared to be tinged red, earning the phenomenon another nickname: “Blood Moon“.

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Pictures around the world

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Safe to see

• Visibility in many parts of the UK may not have been great, though.
• That’s due to both cloudy skies and the moon’s low positioning in the sky during the partial eclipse.
• Still, unlike the recent solar eclipse, this astronomical event is at least safe to observe with the naked eye.

The best pictures of this once-in-a-generation solar eclipse

7 min read

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WORLD NEWS

Why Trump has renamed Lake Ontario

Donald Trump has signed an executive order aiming to change the name of Lake Ontario to Lake America.

Here’s why, and whether the move is actually likely to work.

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Split custody

One of North America’s five Great Lakes, Lake Ontario straddles both the United States and Canada; its northern and western shores sit in the Canadian province of Ontario while its southern and eastern shores fall in the US state of New York.

There is no universally recognised international body setting the names of international waters, but the lake’s name has its roots in the indigenous word “Ontarí’io”, often translated as “great lake”, and traces back several hundred years.

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Tariff retaliation

• It comes after trade talks broke down between the two neighbouring nations last week.
• That led the US to impose new 50 per cent tariffs on $20bn (£14.7bn) worth of Canadian goods.
• In response, Canada is set to introduce “dollar for dollar” counter tariffs starting next month.

Analysis

Trump’s 'economic D-day' will be another embarrassing bust

3 min read

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This story in pictures

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What has Canada said?

Canadian Prime Minister Mark Carney responded to the news by saying “things must be called by their name, and this lake is called Lake Ontario – today and forever”.

Carney also highlighted that the lake’s current name predates the formation of both the Canadian Confederation and the US Declaration of Independence.

Analysis

The man daring to call Trump’s bluff – and showing the world how it’s done

3 min read

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Will it work?

Trump’s executive order says it gives 30 days for the name change to be updated with the Geographic Names Information Service, the official repository of domestic geographic names in the United States.

While the US President generally has discretion over how their country recognises landmarks, other nations do not have to follow suit.

Analysis

Republicans fear Trump will lose them the Senate

3 min read

Trump's philosophy is to hurt those who wrong him – he told me so himself

4 min read

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How to be more grateful for daily life in five easy steps

According to NHS GP Dr Radha Modgil

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Gratitude

The world feels like a difficult place at the moment, and it can feel very hard sometimes to find things to be thankful for; when we are overwhelmed, we have less capacity to notice and reflect on the good things. Yet, ironically, proactively cultivating gratitude is one of the things that can actually help us feel less stressed.

NHS GP dR RADHA

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The science

Research has shown that feeling or expressing thanks can actually alter our brain.

• The balance of neurotransmitters change; more serotonin and dopamine (feel good chemicals) are produced.
• This can be long lasting if we make gratitude a regular habit.
• We also get a decrease in our cortisol (stress hormone) levels which helps lower anxiety.
• Being grateful can strengthen the nerve pathways which triggers positive emotion.

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How can we build gratitude?

Change your words

Instead of seeing something as a problem, try to see the opportunities within it. 

Journal

Our brains are very receptive and what we read or write can alter our emotional system.

Express it

This will not only make you feel good, but you will also get a positive response from others.

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How can we build gratitude?

Notice more

Throughout your day, try to notice all the things that are going well; has someone opened a door for you, or smiled?

The basics

By being thankful for the small things every day, we are far more likely to be and stay healthy so that we can enjoy them.

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What to do

Gratitude can lead to feelings of optimism, lower our blood pressure, and improve sleep quality. 

• Write down what potential good aspects there are to the things you don’t feel like doing, or even what could be worse about it.
• Spend a few minutes writing down three things that you are looking forward to that day, or the good things that have happened to you that day.
• Say thank you to yourself for the things you have achieved, or managed to get through and changed that day.

Full article

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Sales of battery
electric vehicles hit a record high last year.

Leon Poultney, a writer who specialises in cars, gives his EV recommendations, and the ones that should be avoided.

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Renault 5 E-Tech

Starts at £22,995 for the smaller battery

Available with either a 40kWh battery or a larger 52kWh pack, that offers almost 255 miles, the latest, retro-inspired Renault 5 is both a joy to behold and a hoot to drive.

The interior has been lavished with a level of detail that’s typically reserved for more expensive cars. 

I test drive electric cars – these are the fastest-charging for under £50,000

4 min read

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Mercedes-Benz CLA

A champion of EV efficiency

It offers a remarkable 491 mile range on a single charge from the 85kWh battery.

It is a technological masterclass inside with the ability to option screens that span the entire width of the dashboard, including an optional display for the front passenger.

Priced from £37,400

Why electric cars might be about to get more expensive

2 min read

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Porsche Macan GTS

It’s a lot of money to part with, but this is arguably all the car you will ever need.

The £89,000 Macan is a premium SUV that somehow manages to blend Porsche’s reputation for dynamics and sporty driving with everyday practicality.

The 95kWh batteries can go from 10 to 80 per cent in as little as 21 minutes from the fastest public charging outlets.

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Kia EV 9

With the business class-style six seat configuration costing a staggering £76,995, it is by far the most expensive Kia ever made, but it backs up its financial demands with a suite of genuinely useful and impressive onboard technology.

MG IM6

It’s fast, goes a long way between stops and charges relatively quickly but the interior is bland, the onboard technology is infuriating and the experience is devoid of emotion. 

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BYD Dolphin Surf

All of its gadgetry can’t disguise the fact that performance is weak, even for a typically zippy EV, the ride is fussy at slower speeds and it’s not in the least bit enjoyable to drive on a country road.

• While good value (prices start at £17,935) for the 200-mile max range, there are more interesting options from Hyundai, Citroen and Renault for similar money.
  

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Leapmotor T03

• It attempts to wow with tech, much of which hinders, rather than helps. 
• There’s no tangible benefit over mounting your phone to the dash.
• Simply an average driving experience, adequate range and slow charging speeds. 

The one thing no one tells you about electric cars

2 min read

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The kitchen gadgets and products a food editor swears by, all under £25

Silvana Franco gives her top recommendations for busy cooks that last

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The kitchen gadgets under £25

Victorinox paring knife

It’s comfortable to hold, with a point sharp enough for scoring pastry.

ProCook cast iron pan

For unbeatable searing and heat-retention, cast iron is the top choice. 

Tesco chopping board

Priced at just £22, I’ve yet to find another board that matches it for sheer value and quality.

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The kitchen gadgets under £25

Pyrex jug

It is the perfect vessel for blending smooth sauces, melting butter, or warming stock. It won’t stain like plastic and the red measurements never fade.

Salter scales

“I’ve had my slim little set of Salter Disc Scales for over a decade, and I’m delighted to see they are still made to exactly the same reliable design today.”

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Microplane grater

It uses photo-etched stainless steel teeth that stay razor-sharp for a decade, something the lookalike copycats simply can’t match. 

Braun hand-held blender

It’s an essential for everything from making velvety soup to getting the lumps out of white sauce. 

Bodum cafetiere

As well as delivering great results, cafetieres are easy to clean and there’s no ongoing filter paper costs or pod recycling to deal with.

I've got a gene that means coffee is bad for my heart – half the public have it

5 min read

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The kitchen gadgets under £25

Oxo peeler

What truly sets it apart is the chunky, rubberised handle that absorbs pressure and stays completely non-slip, even if your hands are wet. It is inexpensive and incredibly durable.

Falcon pie dish

Made by fusing porcelain onto heavy-gauge steel for smooth durability, it is dishwasher, freezer, hob, air-fryer and oven-safe. 

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The golden rules for a happy, secure relationship

Psychiatrist and neuroscientist Dr Amir Levine, author of bestselling book Attached, explains why we behave the way we do in love.

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Golden rules for happy relationships

Start with your own behaviours

The foundation of a secure, connected life is being what I call CARRP: that means being consistent, available, responsive, reliable and predictable. All of these qualities can be enacted in small gestures every day.

Express your needs

People need consistency and connection to feel safe. This is not, ‘You hurt my feelings by never replying to me’, it’s more ‘this is the kind of contact that helps me feel secure’.

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Golden rules for happy relationships

The appendix ‘inflammation’ rule

If a relationship repeatedly inflames your nervous system, you need to disengage and deprioritise it.

Lean on community

You don’t need hundreds of friends. You need people and places that regularly remind you that you belong. 

Stop blaming childhood

Humans are much more complicated than: ‘this happened to you, therefore you are doomed to be anxious’.

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Reach for a
secure script

When something unsettles you in a relationship, your first reaction is not always the most accurate one. 

If you’re anxious, your brain may jump very quickly to: ‘this is the beginning of the end’. If you’re avoidant, your brain may say: ‘this person wants too much from me, I need to get away’. So one very practical thing you can always do is pause and ask: ‘What would a secure person do here?’

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Loneliness elsewhere

When people talk about loneliness, they often assume it means you don’t have enough people in your life. But you can be surrounded by people and still feel lonely if those relationships leave you feeling excluded, ignored or disconnected.

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What to do

• Build a community that works for your temperament and gives you regular, reliable moments of connection.
• You can still be kind to people while not treating them as someone who belongs in your inner circle. 
• Explain what you need. Sometimes people simply don’t realise how you are experiencing them.
• Check in with people: does this person actually feel that I’m reliable? Do they experience me as predictable? That’s the only way that you can start to become more secure.

Read the full article

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Do some foods leave
you feeling hungry rather than satiated? Experts say there are…

It could be that a food is lacking certain nutrients. Here are 10 to avoid, and what to eat.

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Foods that leave you hungrier

A bowl of cereal and glass of orange juice

More refined cereals are digested quickly, and fruit juice, whilst one of your five-a-day, contains less fibre than whole fruit. This might mean you find yourself hungry again within 1-2 hours of eating this breakfast.

Swap the orange juice for a whole orange, the cereal for oats and milk or serve it with Greek yoghurt or a boiled egg. This would increase the fibre and protein content; two nutrients strongly linked with fullness.

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Foods that leave you hungrier

Croissants

These pastries are made primarily from refined flour and butter, and are relatively low in protein and fibre.

Toast and jam

It is mostly carbohydrate and without protein or fibre, it is digested quickly, leaving you feeling hungry.

Sushi

Shop-bought packs can contain a lot of white rice, which is digested quickly, and the protein content is often modest.

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Foods that leave you hungrier

Vegetable soup

On its own, it is often very low in protein and calories, so hunger can return quickly.

Pizza

Unless it’s loaded with veggies, it’s probably pretty low in fibre.

Smoothies

Liquids are generally less filling as they require little chewing which may not trigger satiety signals.

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Foods that leave you hungrier

Snack bars

They are ideal for a quick pick-me-up, but if reducing hunger is what you’re after, it’d be better to swap it out.

Low-fat yoghurt

A full-fat plain Greek yoghurt with berries and seeds tends to be much more filling due to the protein, fat and fibre.

Alcohol

On an empty stomach, it can actually increase your appetite.

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What to eat instead

Instead of thinking about avoiding foods, think about what you can add to them.

• Add beans, lentils or shredded chicken to your vegetable soup and pasta.
• Thicken your smoothies with Greek yoghurt, chia seeds and oats.
• Apple slices with peanut butter, yogurt with berries and hummus with oat biscuits are better snack options than a pre-made snack bar.
• Have alcohol alongside a balanced meal containing protein and fibre.

Read more

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How to age well
without pain

Will Harlow, a physiotherapist
for the over-50s and author of Independence for Life, shares
the key signs you’re ageing
badly – and what to do about it.

Today’s top stories

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How to know

Ageing well is maintaining the ability to do what you want you want for as long as you want without needing help. Everyone is talking about longevity but what’s the point in living longer if the last decade is painful and you’re [totally] reliant on people?”

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The signs to look out for

• The most obvious early warning sign of bad ageing is pain says Harlow. 
• Another is losing confidence in doing daily tasks, which can quickly lead to a lack of independence.
• One call Harlow often receives is people calling after having a fall and struggling to get up.

I had my walking analysed – and discovered how fast I'm ageing

4 min read

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How to age without pain

Not just stopping

When people retire, they often put their feet up and stop. Your body really is use it or lose it.

Sleep

Throughout our entire lives, Harlow says we need between seven and nine hours of sleep.

Social isolation

The lack of connection can increase the risk of premature death by
as much as 29 per cent.

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Strength training

It really is the proxy for
overall independence.

The more muscle mass you have, the less chance of heart disease, diabetes, falls and even anxiety, depression and dementia. 

The brain can be linked to muscle mass too, Harlow says. It’s not just about being able to lift things. It gives you more energy, better sleep and you’ll look and feel better.

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How to age without pain

Daily habits

Do short bursts of exercise, between 30 and 60 seconds, in otherwise dead time during the day.

Stretch in bed

Take joints through a full range of motion for five minutes to loosen it before getting up.

Don’t crash diet

It can increase the decline of muscle mass and bone density, which needs to be avoided. 

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How to age without pain

Protein

Harlow advises 1.6 grams per kilogram of body weight to stop muscle loss alongside resistance training.

Don’t wait

Harlow finds that many patients put off making a change to their lifestyle until their lives are consumed by pain. 

Recovery

For most people, it’s about reducing the number of times per week you’re exercising, not reducing intensity. 

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The three ageing tests to do

• Lie completely flat on the floor and get back up to a standing position using any technique. This should take less than 10 seconds.
• 
  See how many times you can sit on the chair and stand back up again in 30 seconds. Men should be aiming for more than 14 times and women 12. 
• 
  The single-leg stand, which involves standing on one leg and balancing for 10 seconds. Everyone should be able to do that and for those under 65, Harlow asks them to do it with their eyes closed.

Being reminded of what it was like, albeit through a TV screen, to be truly madly deeply in love, I could no longer bury my head in the sand. Our marriage was dying and one of us needed the balls to do something about it. The very next morning, to save us both from an inevitably slow and torturous demise, I switched off life support by asking for a divorce.

Of course, it wasn’t an overnight decision. I’d been toying with divorce for aeons. But the risks of splitting up seemed to outweigh the risks of staying together. I now know that paying for the highs by going through the lows is better than flatlining in a dead marriage. Back then, though, the prospect of being a singleton in a world made for twos was terrifying. I may not have had “truly madly deeply”, but I had a nice house, nice kids, nice dog. And, ultimately, even though we’d grown far apart, a nice man. The problem was, our niceness could no longer breathe. We were suffocating under years of resentment.

The usual issues were at play: disagreements over what constituted a fair share of invisible and domestic labour, not aligning on how to raise our children and squabbling over money. The main source of resentment, though, was that we hadn’t had sex – nor any other form of intimacy or affection – in nearly a decade. Both products of difficult childhoods, we were avoidant in the extreme.

Having intimacy withdrawn is a death by a thousand cuts. Dragging around the hurt and rejection was exhausting. So, for me, getting divorced gave me a new lease of life. It was utterly liberating. Yet also guilt-inducing. Hand on heart, I have zero regrets about getting divorced, barring one giant exception: it upended our children’s lives. But isn’t growing up in a divorced home better than growing up in an unhappy one?

Once my ex had gotten over the shock (he would’ve coasted along without disrupting our cosy lives), he too realised splitting up was the right decision. We opted to get divorced as quickly as possible using an appropriately-named app called Amicable. There were no fights about access to the children. From the get-go, we agreed on 50-50. Nor, miraculously, about money. All he wanted was enough to build a new home and a new life. With more equity in the house, I was incredibly privileged that I could oblige with help from an eye-watering remortgage.

It didn’t take long for us to download Hinge. At first, we swiped away on the sofa together, howling at our matches, asking each other for advice. At one point, to much shared hilarity, the algorithm matched us. It was a weird time where we remembered why we’d fallen for each other 20 years earlier. But there was never any question of rekindling those early days. Too much water – and pain – under the bridge.

I got together with the first match I met IRL. Having been affection-starved for years, I fell for him hard. That was difficult for my ex. But I got my comeuppance. The new boyfriend turned out to be a classic narcissist. His initial love-bombing made me feel alive again. And the sex! With a decade’s worth of frustration to unleash, I was like a pubescent teen all over again. It was almost enough to compensate for years of feeling unwanted.

Six months later, I was so bewildered when the new boyfriend’s respect and affection began drying up. He started lying about everything. When he took his kids on holiday, he failed to mention it was with his ex-wife. Although I’m all for people remaining friends with their exes, lying about it is a red flag. Painful though it was to give up on the future I naively thought we had together, I knew I had to end it. Finishing with him, a man I knew for a mere 11 months, was tougher than ending it with the man I’d been with for nearly 20 years. How screwed up is that?

Meanwhile, my ex was settling into a new relationship with a woman who wasn’t too keen on us maintaining contact. Ironic, considering I was the one who encouraged him to make a go of it with her. With no single friends to go out and play with, I started relying on dating apps for a social life. At first, it was an absolute blast. Fresh meat for the algorithm, I was served endless thrilling opportunities. And, like a kid in a sweet shop, I made the most of them. I set out with good intentions, vowing to treat everyone with kindness, honesty and respect. But it wasn’t always reciprocated. It didn’t take long for me to join the ranks of bad behaviour. Can’t beat ’em, join ’em, hey? There are two men I’d still like to apologise to, but they made it clear they don’t want to hear from me again.

When the algorithm got bored with me, fun dating became burdensome datemin. Karma at work, my options dwindled into a bunch of middle-aged men as dysfunctional as me. An ensuing series of soul-sapping situationships proved the apps were designed not for true love but repeat business. So I began making peace with my destiny as a perma-single, middle-aged woman.

To celebrate my singledom as freedom, I turned child-free weeks into solo travel adventures, kooky retreats and art courses at Central St Martins. It was life-affirming, but not sustainable, neither financially nor physically. Although my post-divorce experience had been a wild ride, I sensed it was time to calm down. I embarked on a period of intense self-reflection and started to see how messed-up I’d become – had always been, in fact. I sought out therapy.

Three years in, therapy has been an absolute gamechanger. Even though I’m still a work in progress (and always will be), it’s helping me build a healthy new relationship with a kind, funny and patient man from my past. Rather than letting issues fester, I’m learning to recognise my avoidant ways and be more communicative about my feelings. I don’t know what the future holds, but I’m hopeful this one will stick. To borrow from therapy speak, divorce has been “a journey”. A voyage of self-discovery that has helped me see myself more clearly and become what I hope is a better person.