Today is a bittersweet day. I like to remember the great things because it was a happy day for twenty years. It was twenty two years ago that my baby brother was born. I was four and a half and so anxious to hold him. I don't remember a lot, but I remember knowing from the moment I held him he was special. Jeremy and I were so excited to have a new baby. We both wanted to be his favorite....come to find out we were both his favorite, he loved the attention. He loved us the same, even if it was in different ways.
I have such great memories with him. Of course we fought a lot like most siblings do. Being the youngest he always lost when it came to sitting on the couch. See, there are three cushions and the ends are the most comfortable. So having two older bossy siblings , he got stuck in the middle every time(I think he actually liked the attention though). The age difference was difficult at times but I'm happy that we out grew our differences before he died. We really became the best of friends. He called me daily, asked me for advice and usually took it, he was good at checking up on me and making sure I was 'okay'. He came with me and Andy on vacations and was an awesome uncle to Gavin. I wasn't so good at calling him(most of you know I'm not good at calling people) and I could have been a better sister, I regret that so much. He was a better friend than me, that's what makes him so unique.
He truly has the biggest heart I know. There isn't one person that he held a grudge against. He was so forgiving and willing to be anyone's friend. He even forgave me for tricking him in to carrying my bras etc. when we were shopping at the mall. I would always joke with him to hold things for me while I tied my shoes...seeing that I only ever wear flip flops, I didn't have laces to tie...he caught on eventually, but his face was always priceless. I miss teasing him.
He wasn't able to talk until he was three. But once he did he never stopped. He always had something to say, he was full of life and personality from the beginning. I remember being in St. George for a dance competition and when we were at the hotel he would go up to several people, extend his hand and say "Hi, my name is Eric Thomas Martin....will you be my friend?" How sweet. Anyone that was lucky enough to meet him was his friend in some way or another. He really would do anything for anybody, it's too bad more people don't have this quality. I have many memories I could share but it is so hard at the same time.
I'm just grateful I had twenty years to enjoy the best little brother on Earth. I wish I would have enjoyed him more but I can't change that. I have a lot of wishes, but they are just wishes. I never had the chance to say goodbye and hope anyone that is reading this learns that life is too short, you don't know what may happen. Always tell the ones you love how much they mean to you and hold them tight every chance you get. I have never been good at hugs, I am working on that now but it's too late for Eric. Don't make my mistake. My arms yearn to give him the biggest hug ever. The hole in my heart will never be filled until I see him again, I know this will happen one day!
Until then, my heart will continue to ache. I miss his phone calls, I miss his smile, and the way he said "hey" I miss our shopping trips and the moments we stayed up late and made fun of my parents, I miss seeing him at the computer at my parents house, and getting frustrated when my dad would turn off his Star Craft games when he was in the middle of them. The fact that he practically only ate meat. His rice always had to be eaten in a bowl with milk and cinnamon and sugar( no matter what we were having for dinner). His love for pixie stix, bottle caps and all sorts of candy. He seriously always had a stash of sweets somewhere. I miss him stopping by for dinner and playing with Gavin. It's so hard knowing that Max will never get to know him in this life, there are so many things about Max's personality that are just like Eric. I can only imagine how much fun they would have. At least max gives me a glimpse of my brother every now and then with his curiosity and smile.
Eric was a big part of my life and it will never be the same, that's a hard piece of reality for me. I take it one day at a time and constantly remind myself of what Eric would have wanted. My boys deserve a good mom and I am working on that. I still have my down days and evertime a holiday or special day approaches it won't be the same, that emptiness is so hard. Grief has no specified time line, it's different for everyone. I think this emptiness will be with me through out my life. Andy has been so supportive and so strong for me. He loved Eric like his own brother and knows just how special he was. I am grateful that I have him and my sweet boys to wake up to everyday. When I am struggling I feel Eric near and he's what prompts me to relax and laugh...or give in and spoil my boys. I swear they inherited his sweet tooth too. I'm working on being more adventurous just for you , Eric. I love you and can't wait to see you again. I hope you left this life knowing just how loved and special you are to everyone. Happy Birthday!!!
