Inspired from a dear friend:)

The stinky shoes

I have a box under my bed. It looks brand new, inside are a pair of brand new special rubber hiking/water shoes. These belonged to Eric. The few days we spent together before he died we had some of our best memories. He would come over to help me out with new baby Max and toddler Gavin. I needed the help, because I couldn't lift Gav after my c-section- which is asking the impossible from a mother of a toddler. Oh how he loved my boys. He would even sit through my tv shows-Dancing with the Stars was his most bearable because he thought Julianne Hough was hot- ha ha! Such a boy! She is gorgeous. I remember watching him anxiously ask to hold Max. He took such caution in holding him, he sat on my bed and played with Max's full head of long brown hair. They bonded in those few days they had together and I know from all the accidents, bumps and falls Max has had that Eric has softened every single one. I see Eric so much in Max, in his smile, his need to tease, his overly outgoing social personality and his spirit of adventure and curiosity. I'm grateful to have such a special guardian angel for my boys! Back to the shoes. Eric had just returned from his sporting goods store with these really awesome shoes:) I thought what is that awful smell? He was beyond excited to use them and I just thought he was crazy to willingly wear something that smelled so unbelievably awful. I teased him for sometime and we had a great day together. I sure miss him and love him, and when I need to laugh, I pull out my box from under my bed to look, hold and smell those awful/ but super awesome shoes. The end.

Blah

I hit a rough patch I guess. Lots of emotional ups and downs. Depression does that to you. It is ugly, it is lonely and quite obnoxious yet addictive at times as well. I mean, lying in bed in my comfy pajamas, eating marshmallows and not giving a crap about anything isn't all that bad..until I'm quickly reminded I have two very energetic monkeys...no dinosaurs...nope batman and spiderman running wild and battling on my bed. Then I'm forced to share some marshmallows and make something of the day. Then, soon enough I am reminded just how lucky I am to be their mommy. That realization comes in the form of kisses. My favorite thing to hear in the midst of my grogginess is "I'm going to kiss my mommy" or " I love you mom"as he snuggles up to me. I truly have the sweetest boys! I love looking into Gavin's sparkling sapphire eyes, admiring his sweet innocence. I'm so blessed to be so loved and admired, even on days i most certainly don't deserve it. Which we've suffered through several lately.

It still drives me absolutely insane to see ATVs! I hate hearing about the neighbors adventures and seeing young kids cruise around on them. That's what I get for basically living in farm country. Though I doubt I could really escape it entirely no matter where we lived. It's just a harsh reminder that takes me back to my most private, darkest hours and it's hard to climb out of that very dark hole, especially when tuning the world out feels kinda nice. I keep hoping I can get past it but I'm willing to accept now that I won't. Eric meant the world to me, he was my baby brother, my best-bud, and so much more. My boys and I send kisses to heaven whenever we're outside. I've been dealing with some trials for a while now and I'm grateful I have my little brother to at least watch over me and my boys if he can't be here to make me laugh and help me see things in a different light. Life is shorter than we ever imagined, loved ones are taken from us far too soon and often unexpected and tragic. We don't always get a chance to say what we wanted to. I'm so grateful for the blessings I have received. We take so much for granted it is unbelievable. I have challenged myself to appreciate some of those things I take for granted. My latest feat is my body, I'm blessed with a body that can run and jump, dance and do a lot of things, so I have taken up running. I loathed running in the past but I'm learning to love it. It's nice to spend time with my boys, admiring nature and seeing just how far I can push myself.It's not always easy to do but live life to the fullest. Love those that love you, and love those that don't just keep your priorities straight. Take time to let things go and just laugh. I'm learning just how boring, repetitive and annoying Mr. Negativity really is. He's a lame companion. I wish I was better at ignoring him but I do what I can.
Sorry for venting and boring those that care but despite all this blah-ness I made an impulsive decision and I'm taking my boys and we're going to melt in Texas for two weeks with Karin! Don't worry,Andy would come along but with his new job he's not in a position to play just yet. So none of you think I'm running away from him or something. I'm grateful for a hardworking, honest husband! He is pretty awesome!