Somedays:(

February 2, 2018
Somedays you feel like you have been punched in the stomach and you can't breathe. Today was one of those days. We took Sarah to the specialist today. The only good news is that she doesn't have cancer. She has to stay completely off her leg and in six weeks she can start to walk on it. She can't dance, run, or do any of the things she loves to do. She is lost. Despite my previous answer to prayers, I feel hurt and angry. The doctor said it could take up to a year to heal. We could speed the process up with surgery but the risks and complications increase. I couldn't sleep last night and neither could she. I think we both cried ourselves to sleep. Sarah doesn't cry very often.

The Will of the Lord

I have decided to use this space as a journal. I haven't been very good at writing in my journal. I think that writing in a journal can be very healing. I am a person who needs to talk or write to get things off my chest. My husband is very patient and very good at listening but with the demands of his church calling and his position at work, he is available less and less. I have found myself feeling alone a lot. I have learned a lot about being alone. I have also had a lot of tender mercies that I haven't written down or shared. Facebook is a little to open and a little accessible. If I were to share my thoughts on Facebook, one they would not be filtered or explained and could end up negative, followed by regret,  or they would only show successes. My life is full of both and I feel like I should share both and not necessarily with everyone.
My twins turned 12 this week. I can't believe they are 12. I am so grateful for them. I feel so blessed that the Lord let me keep them and that I have been able to spend the last 12 years as their mom. We also found out this week that Sarah has to be seen by an oncologist. She has a cyst growing in her right knee. This summer she had cyst in her left knee. I prayed and pleaded with Heavenly Father that she would be spared surgery and that she would be able to dance with her dance team. Through the power of the priesthood, the Lord answered my prayers. Sarah's knee healed and by the time we got to the oncologist her cyst had been downgraded to a lesion. She was able to dance with her team and participate without any pain. Just recently her right knee started bothering her. jThe pain got really bad during the week of rehearsals for her midterm recital. We took her in only to find out that she had another cyst. She was allowed to finish out her recital and then she was told she needed to stay off of her leg while the cyst healed or it could split her femur. The x-rays were sent to the oncologist as percaution, but we were told that most likely this one would shrink just like the last one. As I watched her dance during her recital, tears came to my eyes. She was a beautiful dancer. One of the best on the stage. She looked like an angel. Earlier this week we got a call rom the doctor saying that the oncologist was concerned enough about the cyst that he wanted to see us on Friday. I have been trying to be calm, but at times I have panicked, felt anxiety, and some despair over the situation. I am worried about cancer a little, but I am also worried about surgery. If she has to have surgery, what will happen with dance. On Friday night I had a time sleeping, I couldn't stop worrying about the situation. Potentially she could be out for the rest of the school year. I went through that with Brittney. She hurt her foot and was never able to dance again. She was never the same. It was if a part of her died. I do not want to go through that again.
Because it was the twins birthday this week, I have also been reflecting on their life. They were born 7 weeks early. I remember not sleeping the whole week before their birth wondering if Brady was going to be okay. I went to the hospital to check his heart beat and to have ultrasounds regularly. The doctor was watching them closely. He wanted to keep them in there as long as possible with out putting Brady's life in danger. Finally, he decided they could not wait any longer. We dropped the kids off at school and Rick drove me to the hospital in Leeds, England. I hadn't slept for a week. I was so worried. I felt I could not face the possibility of losing a child. I didn't want to go home with just one baby, I wanted to go home with both babies. I didn't think I could ever handle losing a child. I was sick with worry. Just before we walked into the hospital I had Rick give me a blessing and we said a prayer. At that moment, I finally said to my Heavenly Father, "I am putting this in your hands. I don't want to lose one of my babies, but I more than anything I want to return to live with you and I am willingly to go through what I need to do that. I will do your will, but you will have to carry me through it." From that moment on, I felt peace.
I was reminded of this experience today during the sacrament. I suddenly felt courage. I quietly said a prayer and turned my will to Heavenly Father's. I let him know that I would walk through whatever I needed to walk through with Sarah, but he had to promise to carry me and her, when we couldn't do any longer. I now feel at peace. I know that someday she will be able to dance again.

A Day in the Life of the Mom

The alarm went off today at 6:00am. Along with an annoying noise it brought with it a banging in my head, caused by a combination of not enough sleep and the remains of a head cold. I push snooze only to realize that no one else is up and family scripture study is suppose to be in 15 minutes and my two oldest daughters need to leave for early morning seminary in 30 minutes. I drag myself out of bed and wake up everyone in the house telling them to meet downstairs in 15 minutes for scripture study. I take a quick shower, while in the shower I hear the door bell ring The rest of the early morning seminary car pool are here. I hurry to get dress and answer it. I then gather everyone for scripture study. We read our scriptures have prayer, quicker than the standard and send the older two girls off.  We are now a half hour behind schedule. I spend the next thirty minutes making lunches, blow drying my hair and convincing my other kids that they DO have to go to school, discomfort does not count as sickness, and that they need to find their own socks and shoes. I leave for school right on time, with no time to spare. I get to school just in time to park and get to class only to find that there are no parking spots available anywhere on campus, even though I have a parking pass. I have to pay to park but the only change I have is my son's quarter collection for scouts. I use it, vowing to replace it and hoping there were none in there that were hard to find. I get to class 10 minutes late (I know, real professional, my professor thought so too). I spend the next 10 hours in class, meetings, and viewing client files. I ate my lunch while walking to the next meeting. On the way home my daughter calls me to tell me that her health problems we have been dealing with are acting up. I come home to find  the house that I left clean has been hit by a tornado and my daughter is curled up on my bed and immobile. I take care of my daughter and direct the others in getting dinner (microwave meals). While answering to the word Mom coming from six different mouths. "MOM! can we go through the fabric tonight? I want to make some doll clothes." "MOM, MOM, I need you." When I ask what the child needs, they respond with, "I need you to blow on my food." After refereeing 3-5 fights. Directing everyone to help, we manage to re-straighten the house, get pajamas on and do some reading, and talk to dad, who is on another business trip. Now all that's left is 3-4 hours of homework and it's only 9:35. When I am not sure if I can keep going I am reminded of a scripture "...ye have not come this far save it were by the word of Christ with unshaken faith in him, relying wholly upon the merits of him is mighty to save. Where fore ye must press forward with a steadfastness in Christ having a prefect brightness of hope, and a love of God and all men."  2 Nephi 31:19-20 And so that is what we will do "press forward" putting our faith in Christ, that is how we got this far, and that is how we will continue to progress. After all I love my life, it has never been more trying then it is now. It brings me too my knees everyday, but I am grateful for it. Grateful for my husband. Grateful for his job even though it requires a lot of traveling, grateful that I can go to school.
(PS this day in the life mom included a clean house and scripture study, I have others that don't)

Confessions of a Mormon Mom Living in Utah

(I should probably warn you that this is not going to be a very uplifting blog so you can stop here, if you would like.)
I have a confession, well actually, I have lots of confessions. I do not like church, at least right now. I do not like going to church and sitting with a bunch of people who have it all together. Who can raise their hand in relief society and quote Dave Ramsey, Glen Beck, and the prophet. I feel like I am a pretty good mom. I have a wonderful family and a wonderful husband, who has a good job. I provide plenty of food, clothing, books, and love for my children. But when I go to church I feel like a failure.
 I have another confession. I live from pay check to pay check and sometimes I go over. I am not self sufficient and unless you can live off ketchup barbeque sauce, and toothpaste, we do not have a years supply of food.
My kids pick out their own clothes, comb their own hair and brush their own teeth. I'm okay with that.  It's hard to go to church and get looks as my daughter sits down in her homemade skirt with a shirt that doesn't match, sprouting  her very own hair do. Or to have my son counseled on how he should comb his hair and wear his pants. I will help them and together we will figure it out.
I provide lessons for my kids. I require them to practice. However I have another confession, sometimes days we don't practice, because sometimes I don't have the energy to fight them.
Most days for breakfast we have cereal. The sugary kind with preservatives. Every once in a while we have smoothies but most days we have cereal and if Rick's gone we just might have cereal for dinner too.
I have another confession we eat off paper plates every night, how's that for self sufficient. And those frozen peanut butter sandwiches that most frugal people would never spend money on. I buy them, all the time, and sometimes that is what I have for breakfast.
A few years ago I made the decision to go back to school. It's hard and sometimes I want to quit. I have to work longer and harder on assignments then most students.  I have taken the GRE once and failed. I have to take it again. I love what I am learning. But once again I am going against the grain and I fall short.
I am not perfect, but I am improving a little everyday. I still fall short in every aspect. I don't need everyone else's approval, I just need the Lords. I need his help. I just need the Lord. I feel the Lord's hand during the week as my family I trudge forward. I don't feel it at church. I feel judged and insufficient. But I go. I go because I know the church is true. I know that there is a God who love's me and has a plan for me and hopefully someday I will be able to see that plan. I know that my efforts are moving me and my family in that direction.

Christmas Letter 2012

Dear Friends and Family,

I hope this letter finds you and your family all healthy and well. We have loved getting your Christmas cards and keeping up with many of you, whether it is through e-mail, facebook, or snail mail.  Our family has survived yet another year. Hopefully we are not just older but a little wiser and stronger, too.

Rick took a new job with a company called TASC a little over a year ago. ATK was getting a little unstable and although he loved the people he worked with, we both got a very strong impression it was time to move on. Within two weeks Rick had job offers from two different companies, neither of which would require us to move. He took the job with TASC.  About five months later, ATK began laying people off in his department. We feel very blessed and lucky to have a job for however long it lasts. He loves the people he works with and feels like he learns so much from those around him. He currently works with the Young Men (ages 12-18) in our church and loves it.

Sharon is still working on going to school and will be for a long time. She has really taken seriously the advice from the movie, What About Bob?, and chants to herself all the time, “baby steps.” She just finished her junior year and will spend the next year and a half as a senior in Communication Disorders.  A few years ago she got involved with a charter school. She was asked to serve on the board and lost her sanity for a few moments and said yes. The school opened its doors in August. The work load has decreased greatly and our kids have been able to benefit from the school and its wonderful teachers.

Courtney turned 16 and went on her first date, with a good friend of hers from Washington. She is working on learning to drive and both her and her mom are chanting “baby steps.” She still loves writing and reading and spends most of her time doing just that. She is getting to be a very good violinist and is working on starting to teach lessons this year.

Brittney is 14, still loves the color pink and ballet. She has had a challenging year. She hurt her ankle in February and is still trying to recover. She has not been able to go on pointe shoes for the past 9 months. She is getting very discouraged. We have been to a couple of different doctors and physical therapists. It seems to be slowly improving.

Alex is 11. He marches to the beat of his own drum. He has no problem wearing two different shoes to school or scouts if it is all he can find. He started learning computer programming this summer. He loves the piano and is improving quite fast.

Sarah is 9. She is an amazing dancer and is as flexible as Gumby.  She was so excited to be on the dance company with her sister Brittney this year. She has been working really hard on her reading and writing, two things that do not come easy for her. She has also been working pretty hard at violin, even though it’s not her first love. She loves babies and has asked Santa for a little sister this year.

Brady and Brian are in first grade this year. Brian is quite the reader and thinker. He has started learning piano from Alex. Brady is working very hard on his reading and is improving. He tries not to get discouraged even though reading is hard for him. He is a hard worker and would spend all day with Grandpa on the farm or his dad in the yard and garden, if he could.

We have been very blessed and look forward to another wonderful year.

My Thoughts on the Nativity

Have you ever noticed that the minute a child spots a nativity, they instantly place all of the characters right around the baby Jesus. When Courtney and Brittney were little and I would set up the nativity, I would do it just like the scriptures tell the story, with May and Jesus in the stable, the shepherds close by worshiping the baby Jesus and the Wisemen on their way there. Of course I would even it all out and make it all look very nice. Every time Courtney or Brittney would pass it they would instantly move all of the figures around so that baby Jesus was in the middle and all of the other characters gathered around him. I would foolish move it back, only to have it moved again. Over the next eleven years my other children would do the same thing. I no longer move all the figures back into a picture perfect scene. I now realize that maybe my kids had it right all along. Jesus should be at the very center of our lives.
I love the nativity and this Christmas I had many chances to reflect on the all of my memories of Christmas and many inolve the nativity.
I had a chance to help my Mom decorate her tree and as I pulled out her ornaments I saw many of the ornaments we had as a kid, many that we made, but the decoration that I remember most of all is a 3-D cardboard nativity that we would put up every year.
I also remember living in England, Brittney was in year 2. Every year in England,Reception through year 2, do the nativity. They act out the nativity and sings songs about the Saviour's birth. It's beautiful. I remember standing by a lady, who was crying as they sang the final song and the whole nativity was laid out on stage. She said "There is something special about the nativity." I had to and still do agree with her.
Some of my favorite Christmas stories are of those who find the love of the Saviour and the gift of his healing power through the telling of the story of his birth. I loved rereading  "The Best Christmas  Pageant Ever" and hearing of the ham being brought to baby Jesus and of Imogene feeling of her Saviour's through the gift of playing Mary. I love reading the story of Jonathon Tommey as he carves through many nights to recreate the nativity scene for a small boy they way he remembers it, and in the process Jonathon Tommey remembers the Saviour.
Sarah who is now eight loves the nativity, she has loved it since she could barely talk. She would call all of her baby doll's baby Jesus. She asks to do the nativity every family home evening, not just in December. We frequently sing "Away in a manger" all year round as an opening or closing song. She got to be Mary this year at our family Christmas party and she was so excited. As I was making her cand her twin brother's, who were to be the wisemen, costumes, she was helping them rehearse. Telling them what the wisemen do, how they walk and where they put their gifts.
I went into to her already messy room, only to find that her book shelf had been completely cleared of all clutter and books to make room for baby Jesus and the extra nativity she found in the Christmas decorations. I wanted to demand that she pick it up, or cry because of everything that was now on the floor, but I couldn't because she had done what I needed to do, clear my life of all the clutter and make room for the Saviour.
I felt so blessed this year to be able to go church on Christmas and to hear the story of our Saviour's birth and to sing songs about his birth, his life and his return.
I pray that I may follow the example of my children and make the Saviour the center of my life and find his love through the story of his birth and the scriptures. In the name of Jesus Christ Amen.

Kindergarten-Ready or Not Here they Come.

Ready or not the twins started Kindergarten. I am not sure if their Kindergarten teacher is prepared for what she is in for and I am not sure I am prepared to send them, but like it or not it's official - the twins are in Kindergarten. Socially they love it. However we did have a few set backs. The first day Brian came home and declared that Kindergarten had too many rules, more rules then we have at home. The second day Brian came home and asked when they were going to start learning. I guess he doesn't consider circling the circles and crossing out the triangles learning. He wanted to know when he would get to do Math and Reading. Brady's main concern is to remember to take his snack. He puts a lot of thought into what snack he will want to eat the next day. Here they are on their first day of school. The first picture is them with a friend and the second is them in their room.

It's Complicated

Today in church the twins primary teacher had to come and get me to sit with the twins, because they were being very irreverent and silly. Rick was walking home after choir practice with Brian and asked him how come Mom came and sat in his primary class? Brian replied. It's kind of hard to explain, well it's complicated."