I have decided to use this space as a journal. I haven't been very good at writing in my journal. I think that writing in a journal can be very healing. I am a person who needs to talk or write to get things off my chest. My husband is very patient and very good at listening but with the demands of his church calling and his position at work, he is available less and less. I have found myself feeling alone a lot. I have learned a lot about being alone. I have also had a lot of tender mercies that I haven't written down or shared. Facebook is a little to open and a little accessible. If I were to share my thoughts on Facebook, one they would not be filtered or explained and could end up negative, followed by regret, or they would only show successes. My life is full of both and I feel like I should share both and not necessarily with everyone.
My twins turned 12 this week. I can't believe they are 12. I am so grateful for them. I feel so blessed that the Lord let me keep them and that I have been able to spend the last 12 years as their mom. We also found out this week that Sarah has to be seen by an oncologist. She has a cyst growing in her right knee. This summer she had cyst in her left knee. I prayed and pleaded with Heavenly Father that she would be spared surgery and that she would be able to dance with her dance team. Through the power of the priesthood, the Lord answered my prayers. Sarah's knee healed and by the time we got to the oncologist her cyst had been downgraded to a lesion. She was able to dance with her team and participate without any pain. Just recently her right knee started bothering her. jThe pain got really bad during the week of rehearsals for her midterm recital. We took her in only to find out that she had another cyst. She was allowed to finish out her recital and then she was told she needed to stay off of her leg while the cyst healed or it could split her femur. The x-rays were sent to the oncologist as percaution, but we were told that most likely this one would shrink just like the last one. As I watched her dance during her recital, tears came to my eyes. She was a beautiful dancer. One of the best on the stage. She looked like an angel. Earlier this week we got a call rom the doctor saying that the oncologist was concerned enough about the cyst that he wanted to see us on Friday. I have been trying to be calm, but at times I have panicked, felt anxiety, and some despair over the situation. I am worried about cancer a little, but I am also worried about surgery. If she has to have surgery, what will happen with dance. On Friday night I had a time sleeping, I couldn't stop worrying about the situation. Potentially she could be out for the rest of the school year. I went through that with Brittney. She hurt her foot and was never able to dance again. She was never the same. It was if a part of her died. I do not want to go through that again.
Because it was the twins birthday this week, I have also been reflecting on their life. They were born 7 weeks early. I remember not sleeping the whole week before their birth wondering if Brady was going to be okay. I went to the hospital to check his heart beat and to have ultrasounds regularly. The doctor was watching them closely. He wanted to keep them in there as long as possible with out putting Brady's life in danger. Finally, he decided they could not wait any longer. We dropped the kids off at school and Rick drove me to the hospital in Leeds, England. I hadn't slept for a week. I was so worried. I felt I could not face the possibility of losing a child. I didn't want to go home with just one baby, I wanted to go home with both babies. I didn't think I could ever handle losing a child. I was sick with worry. Just before we walked into the hospital I had Rick give me a blessing and we said a prayer. At that moment, I finally said to my Heavenly Father, "I am putting this in your hands. I don't want to lose one of my babies, but I more than anything I want to return to live with you and I am willingly to go through what I need to do that. I will do your will, but you will have to carry me through it." From that moment on, I felt peace.
I was reminded of this experience today during the sacrament. I suddenly felt courage. I quietly said a prayer and turned my will to Heavenly Father's. I let him know that I would walk through whatever I needed to walk through with Sarah, but he had to promise to carry me and her, when we couldn't do any longer. I now feel at peace. I know that someday she will be able to dance again.
