Why My Kids Are Doing "Nothing" This Summer

Since February I’ve been urging my kids to figure out what they want to do this summer.  “Find out what your friends are doing.  I’ll sign you up,” I said.  Despite weekly pleas for answers, they came back with nothing.  No sports or sleepaway camps, no camps specializing in fashion, farms, food, film or nature.  Plenty of suggestions were made, but nothing held enough appeal this year.  Why, I had to ask myself, was it so important to me to have my kids signed up for stuff?    What are my kids trying to tell me with their refusal to declare a summer “major”?

Since I work full time, and mostly from home, summer activities have always been pretty crucial.   Since my kids were in daycare, our summer days flowed much like those during the school year, except that we packed sunscreen, bathing suits, towels and goggles into backpacks instead of books and folders. Lunches were assembled and the kids were piled into the car and rushed out of the house by 8:15 for a full day of activity-intensive camp.  When they got home, they passed out, sunburned and exhausted, in front of the TV, then got up the next morning and did it again.   We are just plain tired of doing that. 

And why should we?  My kids are now 12 and 14 – too old for babysitters and too young for jobs. After 10 months of daily grind, is it so wrong for them to have a few precious weeks to just hang out with nothing to do?  Would it be awful for them to be bored now and then?   I thought about my own Florida summers hanging out at the beach or the pool, roaming the neighborhood, running through sprinklers, playing SPUD in the street.   Nobody went to camp.   We looked forward to summers because it was a time to rest and be with our friends.    So I have purchased the kids  passes for the town pool.  And that’s it.  

Sometimes I wonder if underneath the decision not to commit them to activities is a selfish attempt to keep them close while I still can.  Childhood is short, and it is, sadly, coming to an end.  Maybe  I will regret the fact that I’m not participating in the relentless resume-building and college application fortification that many of my friends and their kids seem to be engaging in, but, as they say, “you’re only young once.”   I hope that our decision to let them just “be” this summer will end up having as much value to them as the expensive camps of previous years.   At the very least, they will have time to clean their rooms, and maybe my chicken coops.  (Or maybe that’s still wishful thinking.)

The Joys of Summer

Orange palm trees against a lavender sky.

The smell of Hawaiian Tropic Dark Tanning Oil.

Jumping into an ice cold ocean on the hottest day of the year.

 

Carving the name of your crush in the sand.

Riding the roller coaster with your BFF. 

The Tilt-A-Whirl.

.

A row of stuffed puppies.

Have you been "On the Boardwalk" lately?

See also Theme Thursday: Summer

Balancing Fear and Trust

Last week’s tragic news that an eight year old boy, Leiby Kletzky, was abducted and murdered in Brooklyn has many parents debating the merits of allowing children to walk unsupervised through city streets.   It was the first day the boy was allowed to walk the seven blocks home alone.  He got lost and stopped to ask a stranger for directions.  This particular stranger was one of the extremely rare dangerous ones. 

It's heartbreaking that so many have chosen to throw blame at his grieving parents.  “What were the parents thinking?” seems to be a common response. 

Well, I think I know what they were thinking.  They were thinking that a child has a better chance of being struck by lightning than of being abducted.  They wanted their child to feel independent, and get to know his neighborhood.  They knew that if he got lost, chances are that he’d ask a kind helpful person who would get him safely home.  What happened was inconceivable for them, but it will remain in the consciousness of every parent who has heard this news story. 

The incident made me remember my own terror as a child, getting separated from my mom at a county fair, and crying for what seemed like hours, but was surely less than 10 minutes, in the first aid tent, surrounded by caring strangers.  It made me remember losing my children in department stores, and enlisting the help of other women pushing strollers around who immediately understood my panic.  I remembered all the helpful people in the Sheep Meadow when I lost my kids in Central Park two summers ago.  

I still feel that fear, allowing my kids to roam unsupervised in ever-widening circles, but I’ve never believed in teaching children not to talk to strangers.  Yes, “Be on your guard.”  “Never allow someone to touch you or pick you up.”  “Never get in a car with someone you don't know.”  “If you’re lost and need help, find another mother with children.  She’ll know what to do.”   Teaching them to feel comfortable approaching strangers when in crisis will almost always help them.   It's not unlike the moment when we let go of that two wheeler, and allow them to pedal on their own for the first time -- the trick is teaching them to balance fear and trust.

I hope that parents, especially the ones in Borough Park, will read Lenore Skenazy’s Free Range Kids blog, and learn about the real risks of letting their children roam.   Now, more than ever, kids need to connect, in real time, with their natural surroundings.  They need to feel the thrill and pride of doing something on their own.  They need to know that evil exists, but still believe in the kindness of strangers. 

Related Posts
I Lost My Kids in Central Park
Wiffle Ball Wishes

Ghosts of Snowmen Past

You won’t believe what my son said when I asked him if he wanted to go outside and make a snowman with me.  “Mom, I’m not three years old anymore!”  Oh yeah?  Since when did snowman building become exclusive to toddlers?   This guy in West Nyack is sculpting amazing giant colored fish for god’s sake! 

My kids loved making snowmen until just a few years ago.  Last year all they could muster was this mini picnic table model. 

2010

Previous years were more impressive....

2009

2008

2007 (this one, as I recall, was anatomically correct in places)

2006

                                                                                 2005

2004

So what are they doing this year?  Making igloos and tunnels. 

What started as a simple tunnel through the snow the plow piled up became a maze of tunnels complete with a central dome and windows. 

Are you still playing in the snow?



Battle Hymn of the Race to Nowhere

At a screening last night of the documentary film “Race to Nowhere,” another mother and I were marvelling at the fact that we were seeing the film at the same time that “The Battle Hymn of the Tiger Mother” is getting so much publicity.   They represent such very different perspectives on parenting.  Why, we wondered, is this happening now?   If popular philosphies on parenting swing from permissive to strict and back to permissive again, where are we, as a culture, right now?  And what does this mean for our kids?   While “The Battle Hymn of the Tiger Mother” describes a punitive and restrictive Chinese parenting style that is designed to prepare children to compete in the global economy, “Race to Nowhere,” shows the toll that insisting on high achievement is taking on kids around the country, from every economic background.   

I was familiar with some of the issues addressed by Race to Nowhere from having read a couple of Alfie Kohn’s books, such as "The Homework Myth." He’s been talking about these issues for over 10 years now, warning that practices like assigning hours of homework, awarding teachers merit pay, closing down struggling schools, advocating charter schools and promoting high stakes testing are all counterproductive.

Here are some of the most impressive findings from Challenge Success.

In a national survey, students were asked to use 3 words to describe how they felt in school. The word most often used by students was “bored” followed by “tired.”

Time kids spend doing homework has increased 51% since 1981.

Harris Cooper reviewed research on homework, which showed almost no correlation between homework and achievement for elementary school students. There was a 0.7 correlation for middle school students for the first 60 minutes; if middle school students did more than that, he found little or no correlation.

According to a study of children at more than 60 schools, by the end of 4th grade, those kids who had attended academically oriented preschools earned significantly lower grades than did those who had attended more progressive, “child-initiated” preschool classes, where the emphasis was on play.

In Finland, kids begin formal school at age 7. While initially behind, by age 15, Finnish students outperform students from every nation in reading skills. Finnish students are also among the highest scorers in math and science literacy.

According to a large study done by the University of Michigan, family meals are the single strongest predictor of better achievement scores and fewer behavioral problems for children ages 3-12.

Kids today have 12 hours less free time each week than they did in 1981.

Studies have shown, that sleep deprivation is associated with memory deficits, impaired performance and alertness, and delayed responses, yet school starting times get earlier and earlier. 

Some of my friends are very concerned about the number of AP classes on their kids’ transcripts.  They’re wondering what it means for their kids’ college applications.  They’re worried about whether they will get into the top NYC public schools,  whether they’ll get recruited for a “travel” team, place in their gymnastics meet, or get the lead in the school play.   I have my own anxieties and worries and hopes for my kids.  What I really hope, though, is that all parents, teachers, administrators, and medical professionals will see “Race to Nowhere."   It’s made me feel a little better about things.  Maybe if we don’t push our kids, if we give them more free time and less pressure -- even if these things don’t happen, it will be okay.  We might even all be happier.  It will be okay.  It really will.  

Goodbye Swingset - The End of an Era

My kids were so excited about getting a swingset, and it was well-used.  For many years it was a place to hang upside down, dig and hide, plan battles and rocket launches, and host tea parties and club meetings.  It was transformed into pirate ships, buses, planes and palaces.

I posted it on freecycle and a young family came and took it apart and away this past weekend.

The swingset had been abandoned in favor of scooters, skateboards, water guns, basketball hoops, pogo sticks and trampolines. Just different and scarier ways of hurtling themselves through space.

So what would you do with a nice, new, level empty spot in the yard?   Naturally, I’m eyeing it for a chicken coop and/or maybe some additional vegetable beds. I’m afraid my family has other ideas. 

Frost Valley Winter Fun Awards 2010

The votes are in!


Best body toboggan - the whole tribe.


Best View - Hyde Watson Ridge

Bravest With a Snake - Zane

Best Hike – Maple Sugaring with Amber

Scariest Tube Launch – Maeve and Aria

Loudest Tube Lauch - Steve (and it’s on tape)

Best Cross Country Skiiers – Beth, Maeve, Sonia & Jeremy (Beth and Maeve are so good, you can’t even see them – they disappeared that fast!)

Least Confident Skiier - Jen (a rare moment upright)

Cutest Bunk Mate - Elsa

Best Babysitter - Evelyn

Best Icicles – Rainbow ice on Rt. 47

Best African Dancer - Dea (a.k.a. "Pogo Girl")

Best Climber – Carlo

Best Climbing in Snow Pants - Janine

Best "House of the Rising Sun" Rendition – Campfire Singalong with Alumni Guitarists

Most Colorful Hat – Layla

Most Colorful Face – Xeta

Best Field Trip – World’s Largest Kaleidoscope Museum (thanks to Squirrel, who knows all things Catskills.)

Most Intriguing Sign - Emu Ranch

Got any more awards?  Add them in the comments section!

Knickerbocker Ice Festival - 2010

Before it was a State Park, Rockland Lake was where ice was harvested with tools like this,

and kept in iceboxes like this.

The Knickerbocker Ice Festival remembers our frozen history by bringing in ice sculptors, crafters, artists, musicians and brewers of hot chocolate for an annual event in January. 

Sculptures this year featured wooly mammouth and saber tooth tiger.

A sculptor told us about the difficulty of carving when the sun is shining and the ice is melting.

This year a group from Coupe Dance Studio led a Lanape Social Dance with live drumming around the huge bonfire.

My kids spent most of their time there skidding around on a big frozen puddle, proving that the best playgrounds are those unconciously planned by mother nature. 

Not to say that they didn't enjoy the igloo!

Last Year's Ice Fest Post:
Knickerbocker Ice Festival and Pigaroons (2009)