Who am I really?

I have slowly become that person

Who nobody wants to be around

The complainer, the broke, the single one

The driver of life into the ground.

My laugh used to come so much easier,

My smile, natural, unforced.

I used to make friends so quickly

Now again I’m severely off course.

Things that before made me happy

Things that gave me hope

Seem but a distant memory

Looking up from the bottom of the slope.

I have let myself fall once again

Into that valley of dread

The lies that I thought were gone

Are only a thought away in my head.

Somehow, I’m starting to believe again

That there is no point in this life

That school isn’t worth the effort

And dating won’t make me a wife.

It is so much easier, I say,

To shut out the rest of the world

To stay in my room all day

Under the covers, in a ball curled.

Safe where I don’t disappoint

Where there are no expectations

From me, or anyone else

To those unreachable destinations

To the dreams I’ve locked inside

So deep even I can barely see

The person I once was

Dreaming of the person I wanted to be.

It seems dreams can change

And not always for the better

Is It better to conform?

And alone just leave the matter?

Should reality always win

Over childhood aspirations?

Why, when I get this close

Do I have these hesitations?

Who am I really?

What is it I am meant to be?

Have I taken a path unknowingly?

Am I too far gone to see?

Is it too late to change,

Who I am, Who I’ll become?

Or am I really stuck

Forever under apathy’s thumb?

To Whom it May Concern

So I go onto Facebook tonight (this morning... what have you) at 2am thinking sarcastically "I guess I want to feel bad about myself, huh?" but mostly just wanting to see if there is something new to read in my bored, insomniatic state of mind.

First thing that pops up: an old crush is now engaged. Second thing I notice: a good* friend from out of state is here in my state, and in a city about an hour away from me... and failed to text or call as I do when I pass through their hometown for a visit. Third thing: everyone talking about the new Pokemon app that I have yet to discover, and lots of people generally connecting.
(*because apparently I have misjudged the depth of our relationship)

Now these may not seem like very relevant things to a lot of people. And I suppose those people are rational people who know that someone else's engagement should be a general cause for a 'like' and a scroll on. And that someone coming into town and forgetting to call is just an oversight and means nothing other than human forgetfulness. And well, new apps and cultural things that bond people is something I chose not to participate in as of yet (I already dedicate my free time to youtube, plants vs zombies, and pinterest enough as it is... now they try to tempt me with a childhood nostalgia??).

However, studies have proven that social media actually isn't as good for us as we think. While we may connect with those in far away places (like Gallifrey or whatever other alien planet suits you) we tend to be creatures of comparison.

I honestly can't remember where I heard this phrase, but I liked it and would give credit where credit is due could I remember, but it went something like this: "We are comparing our own bloopers to others' highlight reels." And it's true! With the internet and the way the world is connected, we compare our own full and mostly complete knowledge of our personal lives and struggles, with the seemingly glamorous photos of people's awesome summer getaways and high-end jobs, graduations, baby births, engagement announcements, and much more.

So while I sat here looking at someone's Mexican study abroad feeling utterly jealous while commenting innocently* on that picture of the 'friend' who is standing somewhere you could have been as well: "oh, are you here in town?? cool!" while simultaneously feeling forever alone after scrolling through countless (and I mean COUNTLESS) relationship status changes and couple pics..... I decided to write. Because it was the only thing I could think of to do.
*(it wasn't innocent... I was trying to manipulate a specific response..)

Now maybe I felt like I could inspire other people, or maybe just relate. Because yeah, sometimes people's lives look awesome, but you know what? They have problems too. And yes. I know that sounds cliche. But stay with me here. Why do YOU (and by you I mean me here) post the things you do on instagram or facebook or snapchat? I literally have posted some selfies and other pictures in the last month solely for the "cool" factor. I just wanted to seem cool. And quite possibly "cooler than I am".
*(I'm pretty dang hard to beat....)

Now I have just admitted to falling into at least 2 of these problems: 1. Comparing myself to my internet friends; 2. Posting things only to seem cool to other people.

So next time you feel like Han Solo in a smelly alien trash compactor with an annoying whiny future sith lord and a princess who hasn't made up her mind whether she likes the mysterious sexy space outlaw over her own brother*....... Just remember that you do it, too. You wouldn't post a picture of yourself with the food poisoning at Vidcon that forced you to stay in a fancy hotel room rather than parooze the sights and famous people awaiting you, so don't expect others to post all of their dark secrets or hard times, either. They're going to post the "cool" stuff, just as much as you are... whatever that stuff may be for you. Don't compare yourself no matter how hard that is!!! Read this again if you need to after a bout scrolling through your social media.*(she didn't know it was her brother yet, but just stay with me here... but seriously, this whole thing was just uncomfortable for all of us) 

 DON'T COMPARE YOUR FLAWS TO OTHERS' SEEMING PERFECTION! :)

And my last take-away, if there is any, is this: if you're like me and you have relatively no life, sometimes what is cool or something of a personal accomplishment can be as simple as finishing a good book and bragging about it to all your friends. Or posting a picture with a pun. Or walking outside. Or.... well, idk. You get the idea, right?

Your accomplishments are still accomplishments.
And your cool is your own brand of cool!

So maybe you don't take the fancy or fun trips to Europe or Comicon. Maybe you have been taking as long as a medical doctor specializing in oncology to get your degree in underwater basket weaving (guilty, I am (disclaimer: I'm NOT this big of a star wars nerd, it just seemed applicable today!)). And maybe your accomplishment for the day is simply surviving whatever tasks are before you. And for that, you should be applauded, my friend. You are here now, reading this. Good for you. ... Or maybe I should apologize.

Either way, I hope you know that you are your own person. You are unique and special and there is nobody else that could be more you than you. Unless they hired a really pretty, witty, nerdy, yet adventurous actress to play me in a movie some day.... then maybe she could be more "me" than me..... okay that brings us back to my point. Just be you. And one day, you will find that you stop comparing yourself to others, and applaud with them in their journey through life.

Hope this helped.. I know it was at least entertaining for ME!
Your* friend,
Laura.
*I honestly don't know who reads this, so whoever it is, I guess we can be friends now. I hope my disclaimer notes don't bother you! I have an opening for a new friend if you haven't noticed by this post, so you can apply in the comments on here if you'd like..... #kiddingnotkidding

Change and Acceptance

May 27th, 2015: Chihuahua, Mexico:

"Well, we're on our way to the airport to go home! I'm sad and happy all at once. The mission has been incredible and I've loved seeing the Lord work through me. I've changed. I never thought it would be this big of a change, but it's definitely for the better. I've created family here and I plan on coming back. =) I love so many people here! It's crazy. I never knew we could love SO much.

I still love being a missionary. I never want to take my name tag off, but I know I have to go on to what is next. And I'll always be one. I can't wait to see my family!"

Yep, that's right. One year ago today, I returned from the greatest adventure of my life to date - the one that began with a decision to dedicate a year and a half of my life to the service of my God and my fellow brothers and sisters in Chihuahua, Mexico.

My call?
I later discovered that it was the same as has always been the Lord's call to everyone willing to listen since the dawn of time: "Behold, I am a disciple of Jesus Christ, the Son of God. I have been called of him to declare his word among his people, that they might have everlasting life." (3 Nephi, 5:13)

So why am I generally being preachy, and quoting scripture to you (whomever you may be, or to those of you still left reading..)? Because these are the things that defined a change in my life. Not necessarily the words maybe, for they can - and do - have a thousand different meanings for any soul looking for comfort in the words of God. But the timing in which I discovered these words, and the moment in my life that they entered marked the difference on the pages of my scriptures as well as in my own heart.

Now don't go getting the wrong idea about me, I'm not the perfect Christian southern girl. (In fact, I'm not even Southern, unless you count southern California). I make mistakes, laugh too loud at my own stupid jokes, spill food and drinks all over myself, and generally confuse people with the strange looks I tend to dish out on a regular basis. I guess I just wanted my friends who I love dearly to understand why I am who I am today. Imperfect, but happy. And I wanted them to see what the source of my happiness and hope for a bright future is!

As I walked away from my family and friends on a cold, rainy day, in November of 2013, I had no idea the adventures my future had in store. I was plunged into another culture, another socioeconomic climate, another language, new (and might I add, quite spicy) food... and I was a wide-eyed blonde, American girl in a librarian looking skirt with a companion equally as formal looking in attire and purpose, and a shiny new little black name tag identifying me as Sister Smith, representing the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints... (Sorry everyone who asked for an entire year and a half - no first name!)

Long story short, we stood out.

It took a long time for me to get used to that attention this job brought along with it. I say job, because it was the occupation of all of our energy, our hearts, and even our souls for 18 months... we did not get paid (unless you count blessings and friendships). I won't go on forever... but to sum up, I'll quote something I heard someone say about their own time away from home on their mission.

They said: "A mission is the hardest thing you'll love to do."

And how true that is. Now I'm not saying that you have to serve a mission to be great, nor does being a returned missionary a perfect, or even good, person make. A mission is what you make of it, or rather, what you put into it. Just as everything in life. Could I have gotten more out of mine? Of course! Could everyone get more out of life daily if we thought more of others, and put more of our hearts and souls into what we do? Definitely. But that is the beauty of the thing. Of this life. Of this system and plan God has set up. He lets us learn. He allows us to stumble sometimes. Often, when we want Him to take away the pain, He just holds our hands through it and tells us lovingly afterwards, "Do you see now? Look how great you did! Look at what we accomplished together and who you are now."  And that is how I feel like I have a Heavenly Best Friend. Because without Him by my side every step I took in a place that began totally foreign to me, it never would have become my second home. I wouldn't be the person I am today and strive to become still.

The key was, I had to take the first step myself. He never forced me. He will always be there for me, but He wants me to learn just as we all must.



So while my time in Mexico may have answered many of life's toughest questions, like why the chicken crossed the road (to get away from the rooster chasing it, in case any of you were interested), I ended up discovering answers to the toughest of them all. The root of all of our questions: Who am I? Why am I here? Where will I go after this life? These and so many questions similar to them can and are answered through the restored gospel of Jesus Christ. The one I dedicated so much of my life teaching other people. That's a lofty claim, isn't it?

 But it's true, all of it.


Joking aside (for the moment), I will get to the root of this post. How did this skirt-hating, secretly introverted, immature, unsure girl become a skirt-almost-accepting, slightly-less-introverted, more sure, happy woman?

I'll tell you the secret!

*SHHhh* don't tell anyone! Jk... tell everyone, because THIS is the reason I am writing.

What changed me was finally getting it. REALLY getting it. Truly understanding that there is one person out there who died for me. Who was willing to feel everything I feel on a daily basis. Who understands me even when I don't understand myself. And who loves me in spite of it all! Yep. That's right. The Savior Jesus Christ and my Father in Heaven became my closest friends. My confidants. My Heavenly Helpers. And most of all, I finally understood what it meant to be a Savior.

Now let me explain. I am by no means saying I even compare to the Greatest of them all. However, He saved me. And I never felt more free than when I accepted the gift of repentance and moving forward with my life. It wasn't easy, but it is worth it. Every time. And when I accepted that gift, of course I wanted to share it with other people! That is what made my time in Mexico so enjoyable and so memorable. The service, the love, the teaching, the sharing. It made all the rejection we always get at so many doorsteps or encounters on the street totally worth it. And I would've endured more had it meant that I could've helped more people understand what I grew to understand.

Because every once in a while there is someone that comes along who DOES want to know more. Their lives are changed as they act according to what the Gospel of Christ teaches, and my life is forever marked with their sweet spirits. I will forever be grateful to have met and worked with every single person whose life touched mine in those 18 months, and even those who came along after and before them, for I am now able to see people just a little more for who they are. Equally loved children of a perfect Heavenly Father.

And isn't that the most incredible feeling of belonging that there is? We belong to a Heavenly family. And each life that touches ours, I believe is meant to do just that for one reason or another. And that is the point of that scripture I quoted wayyyyy up there on the top of this post (for those of you following along at home and still awake, you can scroll up if you'd like!). We are part of an eternal family when we take the right steps. ETERNAL. Forever! Without end!

Now while eternity has no end, this post really needs one, so I will end soon, but I just wanted to write out, maybe only for my own good, these few thoughts that had come to me while thinking about my time back "in the real world" since coming home from Mexico.  I have had some real highs and real lows since that time. Heartbreak, loss, friendship, my twin brother's wedding, and so much more. But through it all, I would not have survived had I not held on tight to my Heavenly Father's hand. Sometimes, my grip loosens, and sometimes I don't always feel like fighting, but His grip remains firm. He has never left me alone and neither has my Savior, Jesus Christ.

Just as with Peter, as his gaze remained fixed on the Savior, he walked on water with ease. As he let fear cloud his faith, he wavered and began to sink, but here's the funny thing. And I'll throw you one last scripture so you can see that it's fact-based, not just my opinion!

In Matthew Chapter 14 it says:
"31 And immediately Jesus stretched forth his hand, and caught him, and said unto him, O thou of little faith, wherefore didst thou doubt?"

Immediately! Now I want you, the current reader, to understand something. That scripture, I promise you now, is meant for you. It is a reminder, that as you fix your gaze on what matters, especially on the Savior, you can walk through even the choppiest of waters with the worst of storms raging about you and escape unharmed and better off than you were before. Just take that first step out onto the water, and His hand will ALWAYS be stretched forth when you need it.

Change comes gradually and doesn't seem like much at first. You must learn to be grateful for the little things that define you and not doubt that God is preparing you for something even better than you can see with your limited vision when He asks you to change. I know that what I spent so much of my life teaching other people is the truth and it changed their lives for the better. I know it made them happier and it makes me happier every day that I strive to put it into practice. And I know that eternity is the goal for all of us. Families can be forever, not just until death do us part. Because God our Heavenly Father loves us and wants to see us again after this life!

Sé que las enseñanzas de Jesucristo cambian vidas. Sé que lo que hice como misionera valió la pena, y valdría la pena si fuera para que tan solo una persona pudiera cambiar su vida y acercarse a Dios. Me alegra saber que tengo un Salvador cuyo sacrificio fue para mí, para salvarme de mis errores y dolores. Entiendo ahora lo que no pude entender sin que Dios me lo mostrara mediante otras personas. Entiendo que podemos ser felices por medio del Evangelio. Por medio del arrepentimiento constante. Y por esas cosas siempre al Señor agradeceré.

Termino citando mi himno favorito, el que se llama Asombro Me Da (I Stand All Amazed).
"Comprendo que Él en la cruz se dejó clavar. Pagó mi rescate; no lo podré olvidar. Por siempre jamás al Señor agradeceré; mi vida y cuánto yo tengo, a Él daré. Cuán asombroso es que por amarme así, muriera Él por mi. Cuán asombroso es, lo que dio por mi." Y todo ese testimonio les dejo en en nombre de Jesucristo. Amen.

Take Me With You

Take Me With You

I hear the train, it's going 
and it's leaving me behind
it's leaving me behind

I'm by a plane, it just took off

but this time I've changed my mind
this time I've changed my mind

Take me with you
my heart is yours
take me to
all the distant shores

I'll go..where you want me to.
I'll say, what you would have me do
I'll be who you want me to be
I can change now that I see,

Just take me with you, Lord
Don't leave me behind,
I'll go with you, my Savior
Please stay by my side

American Honey

the Fire set by the sun is being watched by the calm blanket of little blues.  Gazing as if remembering a long forgotten feeling, but not emotionally part of the spectacle raging above their tiny heads.

As the last month is ending, one is inevitably forced into a montage of all the year has offered.  The good times and the bad. What you were doing this time one year ago.  How things have changed, or remained the same.  Most prevalently, the people whose paths you have crossed.  And of course, the future as well is called into question. You feel obligated to make a pact that the next one will be better, but you know better than that, don't you? You know yourself. Your habits and preferences.  You figure you will be the same procrastinating, music loving, creative, but severely lacking in self-confidence and therefore giving in to fear much more often than you'd like, type of person. Yes, you know that you write run-on sentences, and are suddenly glad this is not for a school paper.. on which you used to do so well and are wondering where the skill, or at the very least, the will-power to do well, went.  You shrug off the tangent and continue with the long overdue narrative about the turbulent year you have had considering its comparison to all the preceding years.  The changes you sometimes dealt with like a champ.... other times, they broke you. You have learned sorrow. And joy. Longing and pain.  Tears so hot and fast, at times feeling perpetual motion had been discovered through your tear ducts, or that your head or heart would certainly explode any moment for lack of space to hold and control all the emotion raging inside of them.  But the tears dried up and the explosion had no countdown.  You made new friends and deepened your relationship with others.  Some of which you will be eternally grateful for.  This can add to your future pain when people must inevitably part for various reasons sometimes for a lengthy parting.  But you have learned that it is worth it. To have people so close they are now family.  To have the family you do, who made you who you are. Who love you and you know you can turn to always. Or to have the lessons learned and the memories from the people no longer in your life.
I guess all I've learned from the year, is to listen to the warning signs from the Spirit and my own heart.  To follow what I believe in honesty at all times and to not act as someone I am not.  If I don't act as myself and suddenly people like me, it would not matter, they like someone else, the person I am not.
I have learned to be more discerning in my actions, to try as often as possible to do the right thing towards other people, but to understand when it is no longer my responsibility to worry over and when I can no longer please everyone.
I have learned that I should not be so quick to anger or take offense, but of course my stubborn pride is not allowing me to learn that lesson very quickly.  I know now that stepping outside of the comfort zone is sometimes necessary and even though it is intimidating, it can lead to so many more opportunities and a wealth of memories and happiness.
People think I'm social and outgoing. The only reason I seem that way is because I have been continuously pushing myself to be the person to put a smile on someone else's face. Sometimes it is out of my comfort level to start a conversation or do something in front of other people or put myself in a situation where I might not know all about what I am doing, but that is where I learn the most. That is where I have been able to help the most.  I know I haven't been perfect, but I'd like to think I made even a tiny difference for the better in at least one person's life this year.  That is the goal. And my hope for every year. Along with health, educational, work, etc. goals, my goal that is included every year is to make more friends, but not just make them my friends, but just make other people feel welcome enough to make their own friends, to be a part of whatever is going on. To feel like they are loved, included. To spread the love of the Savior to every person I meet.
I learned from a very dear friend that "God doesn't make trash" and He made each of us.  I know I haven't done the best job this year. I had lost motivation for a while to even go through with my daily life.  This year held one of the darkest spots in my life - nothing and no one to blame but myself.
While I guess this one post could go on for as long as the year I am trying to capture in word, I will finish with a few final thoughts.  My hopes, my goals for the next year: To spread as many smiles as I can; to do better in my schooling and regain my own smile - genuinely and inside; to go for my goals no matter how intimidating or unfathomably unreachable they seem; to recognize the Lord's hand in my life and to follow where He would have me go (to recognize any new dreams or paths available to me); to become closer to the Lord; to treasure the word of God more; to share my talents without fear; to help more often not thinking about it being difficult or inconvenient to me; to fulfill my callings better; and to be open to any more goals or blessings the Lord would have me be a part of.

I leave my testimony that the Lord lives. That Abraham, Moses, Mohonri Moriancumer, Moroni, and Joseph Smith, among many other prophets and other people have truly seen the Lord.  That miracles still happen, and that revelation can still be received daily. That we are made in God's image and that He loves each and every one of us even through our mistakes.  He knows our potential and He is just waiting, like the Father to the Prodigal Son, waiting for us - ready to run towards us even as we are yet a far distance off. We just have to take the first step.  I know this is true.  I know my brother is doing the best work in the world right now for a reason.  I know he will affect generations by blessing their lives with the fullness of the Gospel. I know that the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints is the most true church on the Earth.  I know that the Prophet Thomas S. Monson, and all the prophets before him, including the ancient times, were true men of God and receive revelation from a loving and caring God.  I know we have agency on this Earth and that sometimes bad things happen to good people. But I know that through the Atonement of Jesus Christ, all can be forgiven, and everything that is lost in this life, will be restored in the hereafter. I am incredibly grateful for the mercy of God and for his protection over my family members this year. Life is fragile, and He has blessed us with it in the first place, and He steps in when He knows someone's time is not yet finished.  My hope is that no matter your religion, faith, or lack of faith, that you can feel one day the truth of this fact: you are loved. Always and perfectly. Forever.  You have a purpose in this life you chose to come to.  Whether you believe in God or not, He believes in you.  He knows you. He is there for you.  Even when you have forgotten Him or feel He is gone.  He is just there waiting with open arms for you to take the first step. I leave this in the name of my Savior Jesus Christ, Amen.

You recognize this tunnel now, realizing it has two ends. Your eyes have been opened and the choices are all yours.         Are you better off this year than you were last? What can you do for yourself or others to make sure you will be?

times doesn't stop for anyone

it's too late.
too late at night to be up.
too late to be writing, too late to be rational.
too late to reconcile.
to apologize.
to be the same ever again.
to change decisions.
to change who I am.
take me or leave me,
but don't try to make me someone I'm not.
don't try to paint me as someone I'm not.
people make mistakes.
it's the nature of our being.
we are scared of uncertainty
and therefore, do nothing.
remain action-less.. hoping something will move
because sometimes, it's easier to REact.. than act.
and sometimes, you feel like there's nothing left to be said.
you're afraid something else bad might come out.
you're trying to forgive and be forgiven,
but it will never happen so long as the silence persists,
but the silence will never end bc nobody makes a move.
it remains a sore spot, not easily overcome.
a perpetual question of what-if, and how come,
and why, and maybe if... if only...
if only i had tried harder.
if only i had been a better person.
if only i had seen what was coming.
if only i was someone nicer, prettier, more talented, smarter...
but again. i can't change who i am.
it's gonna have to be time i accept myself,
a problem ill have to work on.
the other day i heard, "how can others love you,
when you don't love yourself?"
it's a good question, i guess rhetorical.
the answer would be obvious,
it would be hard for those others to love you
when you don't even see good in yourself.
I've heard the world takes you at your own estimation of yourself.
if that's true, the world should see me as the dirt they walk on.
that's how i feel all too often.

I may be social, but social networking is bad for my health

Everybody puts on a brave face at one time or another.
That doesn't mean they aren't still feeling every excruciating little emotion.
it just means they've learned to hide it well around others.
There are moments they break.
Sometimes it's hard to keep inside in front of people
especially when little things, completely random in appearance,
remind you of people you miss the most,
and you find yourself lost for a moment.
feeling like your heart is ripped into tiny little pieces,
doused in girl scout juice, set on fire,
and you're watching the ashes drift in the wind.
and then the moment is over, and life continues on.

There are days when you feel completely alone
like nobody truly cares about understanding you anymore.
like everybody you love has left, or is leaving you.
and you're just another girl among millions
easily able to get lost in the crowd.

Then there are days when you feel like
Maybe. just maybe, there will be a future
and it is up to you to live it well or let everything stunt you into becoming a failure.
We are how we perceive ourselves. whether that perception is reality or not,
we believe our own thoughts the most, typically.
unless there are quite a few respected people in our lives telling us otherwise,
we listen to what is inside of us, influenced by things in the world around us, yes,
but we make the choices in our lives.

Some days i almost wish I didn't have that kind of responsibility.
I feel like I misuse that kind of trust.
I feel like I misuse trust in general.
Maybe misuse is the wrong word.
Maybe I just disappoint people.
Heck, I disappoint myself all the time.
I realized the other day, I'm not even ok with being myself.
I feel stupid every time I say a cheesy joke,
talk too much or too loud,
sing in front of people, play any instrument in front of people,
talk about my interests, or even just looking how I look.
I guess I have such a different expectation for myself
that I am always disappointed in who I am.
It's like I don't like my own personality
or my own looks or style.
Who I am.
It's a horrible feeling.
I just feel stupid when I open up.
Like nobody really wants to get to know me,
and I don't want to burden people with my sorrows anyway.
don't want to burden them with the good things either.
i feel like im wasting people's time constantly.
but either way, i cant confide fully.
It's not their problem to bear
and I don't want them thinking differently of me.
Just keep seeing me as the weird girl, that tries to act like one of the guys,
talks about violence, watches syfy, discovery, and history channel
but also watches food network, disney channel, and tlc.
That girl who is high energy, slightly entertaining
whether laughing at or with.
Someone to hang out with for a bit, but ditch later,
never get close enough to see behind the smile,
rather accepting it and thinking
"Man, what a fun girl. I should get to know her better."
but never quite finding time to actually care.
there are more important people
maybe ones you've known longer, or who are cooler,
or more normal, or nicer.
or maybe it'd just be weird or out of your comfort zone
or you don't have time or she doesn't seem to need a friend
she's got people smiling with her,
she has all these "friends" she doesn't need more.
Just get to know her on the fringe of her life like everyone else.
and what is she left with?
a very protected, secure, safe,
lonely bubble.
party of 1 on the inside.
party of 6 billion going places in life on the outside.