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This is for me, and not for you. I am writing because I want to. It has been a long time. I would say it has to do with busyness, but that would be just an excuse. This has been an interesting year for me. I am more distracted than ever. Finding myself more lost than ever before. More in search of something that is unexplained and unattainable. It seems as if I am always in pursuit of something that can not be explained or achieved. Some may call it misguided idealism...I don't know how to put words to it. My reality has become something of a search, a quest, a journey for life to the full. This journey has lead me a lot of places...

to prayer...
to my own selfishness...
to dark thoughts...
to God's great love...
to community...
to isolation...
to people...
to my family...

So for now I continue to search for that I can't hold onto. For the thing that seems so out of reach. I do not know if I will ever find what it is I am looking for, but I feel as if I have to keep trying for now.

So this is the New Year...

A quiet sunday night as the little ones are asleep in their bed and crib respectively, hopefully dreaming of grandeur. Eli is laying on the couch reading a book, and I am shuffling through my Itunes songs listening to the album 3 Rounds and a Sound by the band Blind Pilot. I am peacefully enjoying the serenity of this moment as days past have been filled with far different emotions for me. I have noticed myself being distant...to everything and everyone. I have noticed that at times, I find myself checking out to everything. Life just gets to be too much and I "freeze". I am reading this book "Waking the Tiger" about how we respond to Trauma when it shocks us in our lives. The author compares a common response is like that of the Impala after being attacked by a cheetah. The Impala after being caught can actually act as if they are dead and be drug for miles just waiting for the moment where they have a chance to escape the danger. I feel that way so often in my life...especially right now. Sometimes I am just frozen waiting for my moment. The world is full of loss, pain, death, and hurt. I know that there is also great adventure, hope, and joy. I have a hard time finding it sometimes. I want adventure. Passion. Excitement. To feel hope in the midst of it all. It is there...

There was a song a couple years back by Green Day called "Walking Contradiction". Tonight, I am that. I do not remember the words...but I feel like a contradiction. As I described before I feel frozen and distant, but at the same time, I am full. Full of ideas...thoughts...moments of life...that I want to put down. So here they are, my random thoughts (uncensored):

- I saw "The Curious Case of Benjamin Button" and I didn't like it. I like the premise, but the movie was just Forrest Gump ten years later with Brad Pitt

- I love to write, but I get too distracted to get anything down worth anything.

- I love my family and friends, but I miss life the way it was before. Whatever that was.

- I am nostalgic.

- I want to live more in the present, but get get in my past and future.

- I always thought that life would never catch up to me.

- It is hard to inspire without inspiration...

- I can listen to the song "Re: Stacks" by Bon Iver over and over and over again and not get sick of it.

- I hate Loss.

- Death is loss. Change is loss. The end is loss. I have felt loss. There are people who know far more loss than I could ever dream or imagine. I don't wan't them to feel anymore loss. It is enough!!!

Thanks for listening...I have no words of wisdom, just emotions and thoughts...