Its really affecting me this weekend. Losing my girl so close to her due date... My girlfriend just had her 2nd baby a few days ago and that's probably why. Not that I'm jealous - I'm not. Here's the deal - she lost her first baby at 20 weeks 3 years ago and we were all rooting for her to get pregnant again. She finally did and just had her baby but her birth story has me all wondering whether Kara could have been saved if I had had better care. My friend had a c-section 3-1/2 weeks earlier than she was due. They scheduled her for the 31st and I get a text the other day that the baby came early. I asked if she went natural or c-section and she texted back, c-section. She said she went in for a check up on Wednesday and they decided to take the baby right then. Apparently she was contracting and didn't even know it and when they checked her, she was dilating. They didn't want her to have natural because she has uterine surgery 2 years ago so they scheduled her right away for a c-section. I have to think that if I had a better doctor, she would have responded to my numerous calls about being in pain and being uncomfortable, by scheduling an ultrasound to check the baby. They didn't. I didn't know any better. She died. I tend to blame myself for her death because it was my first pregnancy and I was stupid. Every time I called the Doctor with a complaint, I was told it was normal and I felt foolish for being such a wimp. Maybe if I had paid more attention to my body, I would have pushed the issue and demanded an ultrasound. Maybe I would have felt the contractions? Maybe I would have saved her. June 4th will be 5 years and it feels like it was yesterday.
My husband is in China for 10 days so I'm alone with my sadness. I have no one to talk to, so when the AuPair put them down for naps today, I went for a 5-mile walk on the beach and cried my heart out. My favorite band of all time is the Cure, and Robert Smith is my favorite singer. I found this song today, while reading an interview he did about 10 years ago where he told the reporter that the song was inspired by friends who have lost children and a story he read about the skeleton of a child over a million years old, found buried alone. Anyway, the song breaks my heart as it speaks of the child he'll never know. It made me think that for all the interviews he's done over the past 30 years, he's claimed he and his wife never wanted children. But an intensely private person, it just might be that he lost a child too, and chose never to share it with the public. Maybe that's why the song has never been recorded and released - he only sings it live in concert. Whatever his inspiration, it reminds me of my darling baby Kara, and the child and woman I'll never know.
http://youtu.be/XRbwvTMbCqs
To have his arms around me, to sense his perfect trust
I’d give all I ever had…all I ever had…
I’d love to see him dream, I’d love to watch him sleep
To have his arms around me,
Held his arms in mine, sense his perfect trust
I’d give all I ever had for a moment of his love
He’s my heart and my soul
He’s my blood and my bones
He’s my prayers and my hope
My wishes and dreams
Seems so long ago, so long ago…
I’d love to watch him dream, love to see him sleep
To have his arms around me, feel him as he breathes
Hold his hands in mine, sense his perfect trust
I’d give all I ever had for a moment of his love
He’s my heart and my soul
He’s my blood and my bones
He’s my prayers and my hopes
My wishes and dreams
Seems so long ago…
He’s my blood and my bones
He’s my heart and my soul
He’s my prayers and my hopes
My wishes and dreams
A boy I never knew
And the man I’ll never know
I’ll never know, I'll never know…
To have his arms around me, sense his perfect trust
I’d give all I ever had…
Robert Smith - The Cure
Monday, May 27, 2013
Monday, February 25, 2013
Pictures - 2 1/2 years old!
We are journeying on towards number 4. We have 3 frozen embryos, and are transferring 1 on March 19th. I'm excited, and nervous. Nervous because I still have so many things to do before the next baby comes - like potty training twins and getting them into their own big kid beds. Ugh - makes me stress out just thinking about it. Meanwhile, the Lu.pron has me crazy already and it's only been 10 days. I know I can do this...a frozen cycle HAS to be so much easier than fresh, eight???
We are also going on our first family vacation - to DI.SNEY! YAY for us! We can't afford it, can't afford this cycle, can't afford another baby, but here we go anyway. We haven't been away in 5 years and it's not like we're spending a lot of money. This trip is pretty affordable, generally speaking. We'll just have to buckle down later and tighten our boot straps to pay for it all. I turn 45 in July, so this baby has to happen NOW. I'm freaking out that we have 2 more embies and I'm getting too old for more pregnancies. That's for another post.
Friday, January 4, 2013
2013 - where has the time gone?
I can't believe it's been a year since I last posted. Twins are doing great and we have settled into our new home and community.
In the past year, we've been through 3 nannies, 1 daycare, 2 AuPairs and 1 Pre School. Phew. (And I changed jobs)
We had a great nanny for a short time, but she quit unexpectedly and we enrolled the kids in daycare, with a part-time nanny helping out. Daycare was too expensive ($2500/month) so we decided on an AuPair. We thought that was going well, until the baby gym the kids attend on Tues & Thurs called me to me to say that they witnessed her being rough with my son. Turns out, she was not only rough, she was spanking him and dragging him along the floor and booting him with her foot! Now, I know he's in his terrible two's, but seriously??? Holy shit - I went crazy. I called the AuPair agency and they picked her up right away and sent her back home to Slovakia and revoked her Visa. There was a period of 2 months there where we searched for and matched with a new AuPair, and there was lots of crying and soul-searching. A temporary nanny from an agency was brought in and the kids were also enrolled in a part-time Pre-School Mon-Fri. Truth is, we can't afford for me to be a SAHM, as much as I'd like to. Our debt is too high and we have enormous child support payments ($4,650/month) for his other children for another 3.5 years. I'm happy to say that we found a wonderful AuPair from Brazil and the children now have a wonderful schedule - preschool Mon-Fri 9-11:30 and a loving AuPair to care for them until Mom and Dad get home from work.
Kids are doing great and we dropped bottles cold turkey last summer - without a peep!
Next challenge: getting M out of our bed and into a big girl bed. Hopefully by her 3rd birthday in July. Any suggestions are greatly appreciated!!!
Happy New Year everyone!
In the past year, we've been through 3 nannies, 1 daycare, 2 AuPairs and 1 Pre School. Phew. (And I changed jobs)
We had a great nanny for a short time, but she quit unexpectedly and we enrolled the kids in daycare, with a part-time nanny helping out. Daycare was too expensive ($2500/month) so we decided on an AuPair. We thought that was going well, until the baby gym the kids attend on Tues & Thurs called me to me to say that they witnessed her being rough with my son. Turns out, she was not only rough, she was spanking him and dragging him along the floor and booting him with her foot! Now, I know he's in his terrible two's, but seriously??? Holy shit - I went crazy. I called the AuPair agency and they picked her up right away and sent her back home to Slovakia and revoked her Visa. There was a period of 2 months there where we searched for and matched with a new AuPair, and there was lots of crying and soul-searching. A temporary nanny from an agency was brought in and the kids were also enrolled in a part-time Pre-School Mon-Fri. Truth is, we can't afford for me to be a SAHM, as much as I'd like to. Our debt is too high and we have enormous child support payments ($4,650/month) for his other children for another 3.5 years. I'm happy to say that we found a wonderful AuPair from Brazil and the children now have a wonderful schedule - preschool Mon-Fri 9-11:30 and a loving AuPair to care for them until Mom and Dad get home from work.
Kids are doing great and we dropped bottles cold turkey last summer - without a peep!
Next challenge: getting M out of our bed and into a big girl bed. Hopefully by her 3rd birthday in July. Any suggestions are greatly appreciated!!!
Happy New Year everyone!
Saturday, January 21, 2012
Weaning from the bottle - now?
Okay - kids are 18 months now and I'm ready to wean them from the bottle. Well, I'm not really ready, but they're starting a part-time daycare next week because I started a new job and my nanny can only work till 3 most days.... Anyway, the daycare doesn't allow bottles in the 18-month room. I think it's great, but that means my kids have to get weaned.
How to do it?
They take 4-5 bottles per day right now. I know it's a lot, but I don't know how to break it.
I've tried milk in sippy cups and that is rejected.
Here's their bottle schedule:
6am wake up bottle
7-7:30 breakfast (which my daughter refuses most times)
9:30 bottle before nap
snack at noon
lunch at 1:30-2'ish
3pm bottle
5pm dinner
6:30 bottle after bath
7:30/8pm bottle before bed
Please give me some advice? thanks
Thursday, January 12, 2012
Pictures
I still don't have Christmas photos yet, but wanted to share a couple of pics from the kids' music/gymnastics class. When I look at my kids, I can't believe how blessed I am.
Thursday, December 29, 2011
Christmas 2011, minus one
It's been so long since I posted, that I don't think anyone reads this blog anymore. I can't blame you. I've been busy and when I'm free, I've been lazy. When I get the chance, I work out, take a nap, get a mani/pedi or just catch up on blog reading. I haven't paid my own blog very much attention. For one, it's painful to come here. It is Kara's place, a place where I've poured my heart out over her death for 3.5 years. For another, each time I post about how happy my twins have made me, I feel guilty over feeling happy for having live children while Kara is dead. It is a place that's difficult for me to visit without sadness and guilt.
But I do have live children, and I am very happy to have them. I am so very blessed and overwhelmed, and between my feelings of elation there are deep feelings of sadness for my missing little girl. Christmas is no harder than any other day, except for the fact that there are 3 other children in my family who were all born within 4 weeks of Kara's death. There was a tiny little children's table at my in-law's house this Christmas eve with 3 children's place settings on it. Helen, Luke and Gavin are all 3.5 years old. It broke my heart, and made me intensely angry at the same time, that all three children were sitting there and there was no Kara. There was no place setting with her name on it. There were no presents under the tree with her name on them. No one spoke her name on that night except me when I said my prayers before bed.
Even now, the thought of that tiny table with three little names on the seating cards makes me sad and angry. She has been erased from this earth, but not from our family and never from my memory or my heart.
Christmas was also very happy for us, too. After all, we do have Kara's little brother and sister here and they deserve happy parents and a merry Christmas. It was great having them around all of their cousins (27 in all) and around their grandparents, etc. They opened their gifts tenatively at first, then realizing that the ripped open paper revealed awesome toys, with increased intensity. It was great. This is my life - lots of joyous times mixed with that ever-present sadness. It is the new normal.
I must say, M & Q were the best dressed of the guests (50 in all!) I'll post some pics as soon as I get them downloaded form my mom's camera. I hope that everyone had a wonderful Christmas and my best wishes for a safe, happy and healthy New Year.
But I do have live children, and I am very happy to have them. I am so very blessed and overwhelmed, and between my feelings of elation there are deep feelings of sadness for my missing little girl. Christmas is no harder than any other day, except for the fact that there are 3 other children in my family who were all born within 4 weeks of Kara's death. There was a tiny little children's table at my in-law's house this Christmas eve with 3 children's place settings on it. Helen, Luke and Gavin are all 3.5 years old. It broke my heart, and made me intensely angry at the same time, that all three children were sitting there and there was no Kara. There was no place setting with her name on it. There were no presents under the tree with her name on them. No one spoke her name on that night except me when I said my prayers before bed.
Even now, the thought of that tiny table with three little names on the seating cards makes me sad and angry. She has been erased from this earth, but not from our family and never from my memory or my heart.
Christmas was also very happy for us, too. After all, we do have Kara's little brother and sister here and they deserve happy parents and a merry Christmas. It was great having them around all of their cousins (27 in all) and around their grandparents, etc. They opened their gifts tenatively at first, then realizing that the ripped open paper revealed awesome toys, with increased intensity. It was great. This is my life - lots of joyous times mixed with that ever-present sadness. It is the new normal.
I must say, M & Q were the best dressed of the guests (50 in all!) I'll post some pics as soon as I get them downloaded form my mom's camera. I hope that everyone had a wonderful Christmas and my best wishes for a safe, happy and healthy New Year.
Tuesday, July 12, 2011
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