It's been so long since I posted, that I don't think anyone reads this blog anymore. I can't blame you. I've been busy and when I'm free, I've been lazy. When I get the chance, I work out, take a nap, get a mani/pedi or just catch up on blog reading. I haven't paid my own blog very much attention. For one, it's painful to come here. It is Kara's place, a place where I've poured my heart out over her death for 3.5 years. For another, each time I post about how happy my twins have made me, I feel guilty over feeling happy for having live children while Kara is dead. It is a place that's difficult for me to visit without sadness and guilt.
But I do have live children, and I am very happy to have them. I am so very blessed and overwhelmed, and between my feelings of elation there are deep feelings of sadness for my missing little girl. Christmas is no harder than any other day, except for the fact that there are 3 other children in my family who were all born within 4 weeks of Kara's death. There was a tiny little children's table at my in-law's house this Christmas eve with 3 children's place settings on it. Helen, Luke and Gavin are all 3.5 years old. It broke my heart, and made me intensely angry at the same time, that all three children were sitting there and there was no Kara. There was no place setting with her name on it. There were no presents under the tree with her name on them. No one spoke her name on that night except me when I said my prayers before bed.
Even now, the thought of that tiny table with three little names on the seating cards makes me sad and angry. She has been erased from this earth, but not from our family and never from my memory or my heart.
Christmas was also very happy for us, too. After all, we do have Kara's little brother and sister here and they deserve happy parents and a merry Christmas. It was great having them around all of their cousins (27 in all) and around their grandparents, etc. They opened their gifts tenatively at first, then realizing that the ripped open paper revealed awesome toys, with increased intensity. It was great. This is my life - lots of joyous times mixed with that ever-present sadness. It is the new normal.
I must say, M & Q were the best dressed of the guests (50 in all!) I'll post some pics as soon as I get them downloaded form my mom's camera. I hope that everyone had a wonderful Christmas and my best wishes for a safe, happy and healthy New Year.
Thursday, December 29, 2011
Tuesday, July 12, 2011
Monday, July 11, 2011
First Birthday
Tomorrow is the twins' first birthday. It's amazing how far we've come. The last 3 years of my life have been the worst and the best ever. When I lost Kara, I wanted to die. Now that I have M & Q, I want to live long enough to see them grow into healthy, happy adults with wonderful lives of their own. I worry that one of them will die before me. I try to concentrate on their lives and the wonderful things we've shared together so far.
It's amazing we made it through the first year. The sleepless nights (when does that end, again?) the crying, the colic, the reflux, the all-nighters, the smiles, the giggles, the belly laughs, the crawling, the first steps, the babbling. It's all so wonderful. When my daughter, M, is being rocked to sleep, I just stare at her in wonderment. It's all so amazing. I'm so glad to be alive.
We celebrated their birthday yesterday, with everyone who matters. Grandparents, Uncles, Aunts, Cousins, best friends, neighbors. It was amazing. And the cake....oh the cake. I think watching them eat cake was one of the happiest moments in my life - I'll remember it forever.
It's amazing we made it through the first year. The sleepless nights (when does that end, again?) the crying, the colic, the reflux, the all-nighters, the smiles, the giggles, the belly laughs, the crawling, the first steps, the babbling. It's all so wonderful. When my daughter, M, is being rocked to sleep, I just stare at her in wonderment. It's all so amazing. I'm so glad to be alive.
We celebrated their birthday yesterday, with everyone who matters. Grandparents, Uncles, Aunts, Cousins, best friends, neighbors. It was amazing. And the cake....oh the cake. I think watching them eat cake was one of the happiest moments in my life - I'll remember it forever.
Sunday, June 5, 2011
3 years of loss
Yesterday was 3 years since we lost Kara. Today was 3 years since her birth. The pain is still fresh ~ I have days where I can sob as if it were yesterday. I grieve her as much today as I did 3 years ago when I learned of her death inside of me.
I grieve her loss to us, of course. I grieve losing every moment with her - every smile, giggle, cry, snuggle, and kiss. I grieve never having seen her open her eyes, never having her lay eyes upon us. But most of all, I grieve HER loss. The loss of HER life. SHE never got any of those things. She never had a smile, a giggle, a cry, a hug, a cuddle. She will never have kindergarten, high school, the prom or a wedding. She will never have a family of her own or any of those things that people take for granted every single day. This is what I grieve most of all. She was robbed of her life and the thought can make me rage inside.
I love you, baby girl. I miss you with every fiber of my being and I always will. I hope you know how much your mommy & daddy love and miss you, and how much we look forward to the day when we will be reunited again with you. You are my precious baby girl.
I grieve her loss to us, of course. I grieve losing every moment with her - every smile, giggle, cry, snuggle, and kiss. I grieve never having seen her open her eyes, never having her lay eyes upon us. But most of all, I grieve HER loss. The loss of HER life. SHE never got any of those things. She never had a smile, a giggle, a cry, a hug, a cuddle. She will never have kindergarten, high school, the prom or a wedding. She will never have a family of her own or any of those things that people take for granted every single day. This is what I grieve most of all. She was robbed of her life and the thought can make me rage inside.
I love you, baby girl. I miss you with every fiber of my being and I always will. I hope you know how much your mommy & daddy love and miss you, and how much we look forward to the day when we will be reunited again with you. You are my precious baby girl.
Sunday, May 22, 2011
10 months and sleep issues
I am committed to updating my blog regularly from now on. I really need your advice and support and I usually just can't find time to write.
My twins are 10 months now. Q-man is FINALLY sleeping through the night and only occasionally requires a feeding between 3-4am. He wakes up around 5:30am every morning like clockwork. He naps beautifully - put him in crib and close the door. Crying for 1 min or less (sometimes not at all) and he goes to sleep for 90min - 2.4 hrs twice daily. Nice, right? (We did the Ferber method of CIO with him months ago and it worked perfectly.)
Miss Muffit has always needed to be rocked before naps and at bedtime. Used to take a few minutes, but gradually has increased to 20-45min of rocking befofre bedtime at night. (naps are quicker - 10 min tops). She has always slept through the night and occasionally needed a night feeding - always slept in crib and was the easiest baby. Both used to go down at 7pm and woke at 5:30am. We never needed to do CIO with her because she went down so easily and slept 10 hrs straight.
One week ago, it all started going downhill. Miss Muffit decided she would not be put down into the crib. She would be asleep in my (or DH's) arms in rocking chair, and would instantly sit up and raise her arms when put in crib. (WTF???) I had to travel Mon - Thurs last week, and this all started last Saturday. DH was home alone with them and Muffin's sleep issues began. He could not put her down! After an hour of this, he brought her back downstairs and she fell asleep in his arms watching baseball. Several more attempts to put her down in crib ended badly, and he brought her to bed. She would cry for 5 minutes and vomit. This happened 3 nights in a row. He cleaned her up and brought her to his bed.
While I was away, I instructed the nanny to begin CIO with her during naps. we did progressive waiting with a 30 min max, so checking in after 1min, 3 min, 5 min, 5 min, 10 min, if still crying, she is brought back downstairs to try again a little later. After ONE MINUTE, she vomited all over herself and had to be bathed, changed and rocked again.
One week later and here's how it goes. She stays up until 8pm now, falls asleep in rocker and is put into crib. Wakes up at 10pm and is brought into our bed. She sleeps until 6:30-7am now.
Part of my thinks its okay. She has 4 teeth coming in and she is experiencing terrible separation anxiety. I can't walk away from her with the nanny without her screaming bloody murder.
I know "this too shall pass" but am I creating a monster? I hope I'm just indulging her in her time of need with the teething and sep. anxiety. I hope I'm not creating really bad sleep habits that will haunt me until she's 5. Any advice?
My twins are 10 months now. Q-man is FINALLY sleeping through the night and only occasionally requires a feeding between 3-4am. He wakes up around 5:30am every morning like clockwork. He naps beautifully - put him in crib and close the door. Crying for 1 min or less (sometimes not at all) and he goes to sleep for 90min - 2.4 hrs twice daily. Nice, right? (We did the Ferber method of CIO with him months ago and it worked perfectly.)
Miss Muffit has always needed to be rocked before naps and at bedtime. Used to take a few minutes, but gradually has increased to 20-45min of rocking befofre bedtime at night. (naps are quicker - 10 min tops). She has always slept through the night and occasionally needed a night feeding - always slept in crib and was the easiest baby. Both used to go down at 7pm and woke at 5:30am. We never needed to do CIO with her because she went down so easily and slept 10 hrs straight.
One week ago, it all started going downhill. Miss Muffit decided she would not be put down into the crib. She would be asleep in my (or DH's) arms in rocking chair, and would instantly sit up and raise her arms when put in crib. (WTF???) I had to travel Mon - Thurs last week, and this all started last Saturday. DH was home alone with them and Muffin's sleep issues began. He could not put her down! After an hour of this, he brought her back downstairs and she fell asleep in his arms watching baseball. Several more attempts to put her down in crib ended badly, and he brought her to bed. She would cry for 5 minutes and vomit. This happened 3 nights in a row. He cleaned her up and brought her to his bed.
While I was away, I instructed the nanny to begin CIO with her during naps. we did progressive waiting with a 30 min max, so checking in after 1min, 3 min, 5 min, 5 min, 10 min, if still crying, she is brought back downstairs to try again a little later. After ONE MINUTE, she vomited all over herself and had to be bathed, changed and rocked again.
One week later and here's how it goes. She stays up until 8pm now, falls asleep in rocker and is put into crib. Wakes up at 10pm and is brought into our bed. She sleeps until 6:30-7am now.
Part of my thinks its okay. She has 4 teeth coming in and she is experiencing terrible separation anxiety. I can't walk away from her with the nanny without her screaming bloody murder.
I know "this too shall pass" but am I creating a monster? I hope I'm just indulging her in her time of need with the teething and sep. anxiety. I hope I'm not creating really bad sleep habits that will haunt me until she's 5. Any advice?
Sunday, May 8, 2011
Happy Mother's Day
Happy Mother's Day to all of my Babylost mama friends, and to those friends with live children at home. It's been a wonderful day here and unbelievably relaxed and pleasant.
I know I owe this blog an update and I am committed to updating more regularly, but it seems the time just gets away from me.
So on Thrusday, I received a Mother's Day card from my dad & stepmom. I was so touched, but then inside it said 'On Your First Mother's Day'. Well, I broke down and cried. This is my THIRD Mother's Day. It may not seem much to you if you haven't lost a child, but imagine...you lose a child and have no living children at home...you are still a mother, right? So now I have two living children at home and all of sudden it's my first Mother's Day. Yup. Made me a mess. I KNOW they haven't forgotten Kara...but have they forgotten that I'm still her mother? Well, the next day, they sent me flowers, WITH THE SAME MESSAGE! Happy First Mother's Day! Another tearful moment. The flowers were so thoughtful, but the message just bit me in the ass.
Let's face it, it wasn't a happy day when my only child was no with us, but I was still a mother. Burns my ass.
Twins are doing great! I am loving being a mom to living children. I cannot believe how much more I love them every single day. Q has taken his first steps without help, and M is standing and pulling herself up on everything. Eating is still a challenge for her - she prefers her bottle over any solids, but both a happy and healthy and great kids.
The weather has been lovely and we are walking as much as we can. Kids love being outside in the gorgeous weather; bare feet in the wind and hair blowing in the breeze. Love it.
This Mother's Day has been the best ever. I am blessed with three gorgeous children. Two here with me and one looking out for us in Heaven.
I miss her every second of every day, but that is a post for another day. I've been struggling with her loss (have I ever stopped?) and can't accept the magnitude of her loss. I will post about this soon as it's something ruminating in my mind over and over.
M & Q are getting big - below is a picture of them on Easter in their finest. My lovely babies.
I know I owe this blog an update and I am committed to updating more regularly, but it seems the time just gets away from me.
So on Thrusday, I received a Mother's Day card from my dad & stepmom. I was so touched, but then inside it said 'On Your First Mother's Day'. Well, I broke down and cried. This is my THIRD Mother's Day. It may not seem much to you if you haven't lost a child, but imagine...you lose a child and have no living children at home...you are still a mother, right? So now I have two living children at home and all of sudden it's my first Mother's Day. Yup. Made me a mess. I KNOW they haven't forgotten Kara...but have they forgotten that I'm still her mother? Well, the next day, they sent me flowers, WITH THE SAME MESSAGE! Happy First Mother's Day! Another tearful moment. The flowers were so thoughtful, but the message just bit me in the ass.
Let's face it, it wasn't a happy day when my only child was no with us, but I was still a mother. Burns my ass.
Twins are doing great! I am loving being a mom to living children. I cannot believe how much more I love them every single day. Q has taken his first steps without help, and M is standing and pulling herself up on everything. Eating is still a challenge for her - she prefers her bottle over any solids, but both a happy and healthy and great kids.
The weather has been lovely and we are walking as much as we can. Kids love being outside in the gorgeous weather; bare feet in the wind and hair blowing in the breeze. Love it.
This Mother's Day has been the best ever. I am blessed with three gorgeous children. Two here with me and one looking out for us in Heaven.
I miss her every second of every day, but that is a post for another day. I've been struggling with her loss (have I ever stopped?) and can't accept the magnitude of her loss. I will post about this soon as it's something ruminating in my mind over and over.
M & Q are getting big - below is a picture of them on Easter in their finest. My lovely babies.
Sunday, March 13, 2011
quick update
It's been a long time since my last post - things are very busy here! Q is crawling all over the place and he's just about unstoppable. He pulls himself almost all the way up now and has become a menace :-) M is crawling backwards and mostly content with whatever she is playing with. Both are sleeping 11 hours with Q waking up only once to eat. It's like heaven. I never thought we'd get to this point. They wake up at 5am to begin their day (now 6am with the time change) but we hope that moves a little later soon. Weekends are really hard on me when I'm taking 99% of the responsibility for 13 hours. I usually end up in tears at some point and I go to bed on the weekends when they do.
We've started swin lessens at the local YMCA - and it's so much fun! It really gives us something to do on Saturdays, and tuckers them out for their afternoon nap. My mom comes with me to help and it's been really fun.
Both are starting to tire of their Jumperoos....what is the next activity toy? We have toys scattered all over the living room for them, but I need something to contain them for a few minutes at a time. I guess one of those scooter things? Any ideas? The Jumperoos have been lifesavers for us and they have really enjoyed them for months. They both received walkers for Christmas, but they're both still a bit short to reach the floor in them.
Any suggestions would be appreciated!
Here are photos of my favorite people on their way to swim class:
We've started swin lessens at the local YMCA - and it's so much fun! It really gives us something to do on Saturdays, and tuckers them out for their afternoon nap. My mom comes with me to help and it's been really fun.
Both are starting to tire of their Jumperoos....what is the next activity toy? We have toys scattered all over the living room for them, but I need something to contain them for a few minutes at a time. I guess one of those scooter things? Any ideas? The Jumperoos have been lifesavers for us and they have really enjoyed them for months. They both received walkers for Christmas, but they're both still a bit short to reach the floor in them.
Any suggestions would be appreciated!
Here are photos of my favorite people on their way to swim class:
Sunday, February 6, 2011
Lack of Sleep
If I had to choose the best 'toy' we bought for them, it's definitely the Rainforest Jumperoos. They LOVE LOVE LOVE them. See smiling faces above... :-)
The twins are doing great - they're starting to finally enjoy their solids a little more and feeding has gotten a bit easier as a result. My son has learned to roll where he wants to go, so he's busy entertaining himself rolling from one side of the living room to the other to see different toys. My daughter is really working hard to crawl - getting up on knees and rocking a lot. Sleep still sucks - my daughter is a champ but my son is really not a good sleeper. I've started putting him down later (7pm as opposed to 5:30-6) and he STILL wakes up at 3:30 - 4am to start his day. WTF? When does this get better? It sucks starting your day at that time. Ugh. And that's after getting up once to eat at 11pm. I wish I could just bring him to bed with us and he'd go back to sleep but that's not happening either. He wants to be AWAKE. I'm hoping this changes in the next couple of months. I mean really, they won't do this when they're a year old, right? Right?
I have re-joined the gym and hope to get there 3x's per week until they're old enough for me to be comfortable leaving them in the babysitting room. Until they can crawl and get around really well, I'm just not comfortable putting them in the nursery with other kids while I work out. That leaves me working out either on the weekends when my husband can watch them, or during the week when the nanny is here and I am supposed to be working. I think I can manage 3 times right now. I've also started on a diet because twice in two days, someone made comments about me being pregnant. I only have 20 extra pounds on me, but they're all in my belly. Needless to say, I cried quite a bit in the past 3 days over this. I've gone back to eating egg whites and oatmeal every morning and only salads for lunch & dinner. No bread, pasta, rice or potatoes. No McDonald's. No yummy delicious lunches with clients in the city...I have to stick with salads with chicken or fish in order to start losing some of this belly. Ugh. I'm disgusted. And I wish I could do plastic surgery like EB, but DH is still looking for work and our finances are very stressed. AND - I want another baby. Yes, I want one more child, so I'll have to wait on that belly reduction surgery.
I have re-joined the gym and hope to get there 3x's per week until they're old enough for me to be comfortable leaving them in the babysitting room. Until they can crawl and get around really well, I'm just not comfortable putting them in the nursery with other kids while I work out. That leaves me working out either on the weekends when my husband can watch them, or during the week when the nanny is here and I am supposed to be working. I think I can manage 3 times right now. I've also started on a diet because twice in two days, someone made comments about me being pregnant. I only have 20 extra pounds on me, but they're all in my belly. Needless to say, I cried quite a bit in the past 3 days over this. I've gone back to eating egg whites and oatmeal every morning and only salads for lunch & dinner. No bread, pasta, rice or potatoes. No McDonald's. No yummy delicious lunches with clients in the city...I have to stick with salads with chicken or fish in order to start losing some of this belly. Ugh. I'm disgusted. And I wish I could do plastic surgery like EB, but DH is still looking for work and our finances are very stressed. AND - I want another baby. Yes, I want one more child, so I'll have to wait on that belly reduction surgery.
Wednesday, January 12, 2011
Today is 6 Months!
I can't believe we made it this far...in the very early days I would read my twin mommy blogs and just pray that I would make it to 6 months as quickly as possible. Before you judge me, IT'S HARD WORK RAISING TWINFANTS! Seriously people...this is frickin' hard. Worth it, but not an easy task.
They turned 6 months today and I feel grateful to have them and pretty pleased with myself for having survived. At the mall on Saturday, an overweight woman came up to me and asked me if it's hard raising twinfants...I replied "Holy shit. I had no idea how hard it was until I lived through it. The first four months was impossible." Then I glanced at her belly and asked..."Are you pregnant with twins?" (I wish I would have noticed the belly first...I really thought she was just overweight.) She replied "Yes, I just found out yesterday that it's twins and I have a 5 y/o and an 11 m/o." I, of course, amended my statements and told her it's definitely manageable if you get them on the same schedule, blah blah blah.
I have never been successful getting them on the same schedule. I've lived 6 months with twins who have been on different schedules. She sleeps through the night with one feeding, feeds every 2.5-3 hrs throughout the day and naps every 2 hours. He wakes up twice a night, feeds every 4 hrs throughout the day and naps every 2.5 hours. Never could get them on the same schedule. Besides, they sleep in separate rooms because he always wakes her up. Now her sleep is protected and we all sleep better at night.
We are successfully implementing the Ferber sleep training technique. Can I just say 'FERBER ROCKS.' For real - this is amazing. If you recall, for the first 5 months my husband stayed up all night because my son was basically up every 45 minutes needing to be held, rocked, bounced, burped, whatever. It was always something. Last week I took a few days off and decided to sleep train for naps. I figured that if they learned to put themselves to sleep on their own (NO BOUNCY CHAIRS!!!) they would be able to put themselves back to sleep easier at night and not need us to bounce, hold, rock them every 45-min sleep cycle. Since then our lives have drastically improved. My son gets up once or twice a night and if he doesn't need to be fed or changed (he is offered a bottle numerous times before putting him back down) he is put back in his crib to cry it out. IT WORKS. (NOTE: They have figured out my breaking point during naps and they know I'm a softie. I need to work on that.) But hey - we're making progress! We can actually go to bed at a decent hour and sleep until 5am, sometimes 6am!!!! I could probably get another hour out of them if I kept them up later, but they're in bed by 6 (sometimes a little earlier) because neither wants that last nap around 2 or 3pm each day. By 5pm I'm tired of the whining and baths begin.
Looking back on the first 6 months, I seriously never thought it would get better. The drudgery of running 'shifts' with the babies was really, really wearing on me. DH from 9p-5a, ME from 5a - 9p (in between the nanny) and on the weekends it was just awful. I would be so exhausted and overwhelmed...I still can't believe we made it here. Things are manageable and improving every day. I am so blessed to have these babies. As much hard work as it is, I love them with every fiber of my being and I'm so very grateful for them. When I lost Kara, I lost the will to live. M & Q saved my life.
Christmas was hard. Besides the fact that we had 5 days straight with no nanny (before sleep training) we were run ragged with lack of sleep and lack of help every day. On top of that, we didn't visit relatives because the twins don't sleep well at my in-laws 2 states away and they had 60 people over for Christmas Eve. (yes, 6-0) WAY too many people for me with newborn twins. So, after putting the babies to bed, DH and I cried our hearts out together on the couch listening to Johnny Mathis singing 'Blue Christmas' and thinking of Kara and everything she missed out on. It takes my breath away to think of everything she missed. Kisses, hugs, snuggles, sunshine, stroller rides, playgrounds, kindergarten, school, college, boyfriends, proms, sports, a family of her own, children and grandchildren. The list goes on and on. We thought of our lost daughter and cried a lot that night. So yes, even though we're happy to have our lives filled with children, we will always grieve the child we lost. Every lovely memory of M&Q will be bittersweet because Kara will never have that moment, that memory. It's so fucking unfair. She didn't even get a chance. DH & I have become jaded about death, even in the very young. When we hear about a teen dying young, or a young adult whose passed, it's always "At least they had that many years. Kara didn't even get a day." So Christmas was very bittersweet for us, trying to enjoy the moment with M&Q while remembering our angel and crying for all that she (and we) lost. I don't imagine it will ever get any easier.
I will post pictures in my next update. I wish everyone a Happy New Year.
They turned 6 months today and I feel grateful to have them and pretty pleased with myself for having survived. At the mall on Saturday, an overweight woman came up to me and asked me if it's hard raising twinfants...I replied "Holy shit. I had no idea how hard it was until I lived through it. The first four months was impossible." Then I glanced at her belly and asked..."Are you pregnant with twins?" (I wish I would have noticed the belly first...I really thought she was just overweight.) She replied "Yes, I just found out yesterday that it's twins and I have a 5 y/o and an 11 m/o." I, of course, amended my statements and told her it's definitely manageable if you get them on the same schedule, blah blah blah.
I have never been successful getting them on the same schedule. I've lived 6 months with twins who have been on different schedules. She sleeps through the night with one feeding, feeds every 2.5-3 hrs throughout the day and naps every 2 hours. He wakes up twice a night, feeds every 4 hrs throughout the day and naps every 2.5 hours. Never could get them on the same schedule. Besides, they sleep in separate rooms because he always wakes her up. Now her sleep is protected and we all sleep better at night.
We are successfully implementing the Ferber sleep training technique. Can I just say 'FERBER ROCKS.' For real - this is amazing. If you recall, for the first 5 months my husband stayed up all night because my son was basically up every 45 minutes needing to be held, rocked, bounced, burped, whatever. It was always something. Last week I took a few days off and decided to sleep train for naps. I figured that if they learned to put themselves to sleep on their own (NO BOUNCY CHAIRS!!!) they would be able to put themselves back to sleep easier at night and not need us to bounce, hold, rock them every 45-min sleep cycle. Since then our lives have drastically improved. My son gets up once or twice a night and if he doesn't need to be fed or changed (he is offered a bottle numerous times before putting him back down) he is put back in his crib to cry it out. IT WORKS. (NOTE: They have figured out my breaking point during naps and they know I'm a softie. I need to work on that.) But hey - we're making progress! We can actually go to bed at a decent hour and sleep until 5am, sometimes 6am!!!! I could probably get another hour out of them if I kept them up later, but they're in bed by 6 (sometimes a little earlier) because neither wants that last nap around 2 or 3pm each day. By 5pm I'm tired of the whining and baths begin.
Looking back on the first 6 months, I seriously never thought it would get better. The drudgery of running 'shifts' with the babies was really, really wearing on me. DH from 9p-5a, ME from 5a - 9p (in between the nanny) and on the weekends it was just awful. I would be so exhausted and overwhelmed...I still can't believe we made it here. Things are manageable and improving every day. I am so blessed to have these babies. As much hard work as it is, I love them with every fiber of my being and I'm so very grateful for them. When I lost Kara, I lost the will to live. M & Q saved my life.
Christmas was hard. Besides the fact that we had 5 days straight with no nanny (before sleep training) we were run ragged with lack of sleep and lack of help every day. On top of that, we didn't visit relatives because the twins don't sleep well at my in-laws 2 states away and they had 60 people over for Christmas Eve. (yes, 6-0) WAY too many people for me with newborn twins. So, after putting the babies to bed, DH and I cried our hearts out together on the couch listening to Johnny Mathis singing 'Blue Christmas' and thinking of Kara and everything she missed out on. It takes my breath away to think of everything she missed. Kisses, hugs, snuggles, sunshine, stroller rides, playgrounds, kindergarten, school, college, boyfriends, proms, sports, a family of her own, children and grandchildren. The list goes on and on. We thought of our lost daughter and cried a lot that night. So yes, even though we're happy to have our lives filled with children, we will always grieve the child we lost. Every lovely memory of M&Q will be bittersweet because Kara will never have that moment, that memory. It's so fucking unfair. She didn't even get a chance. DH & I have become jaded about death, even in the very young. When we hear about a teen dying young, or a young adult whose passed, it's always "At least they had that many years. Kara didn't even get a day." So Christmas was very bittersweet for us, trying to enjoy the moment with M&Q while remembering our angel and crying for all that she (and we) lost. I don't imagine it will ever get any easier.
I will post pictures in my next update. I wish everyone a Happy New Year.
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