Today You Are Fifteen

Dear Jett, This was a rough year for you. But also a year of incredible growth. You broke your collarbone and wrist over spring break. You had to go through the pain and discomfort of healing and not as quickly as you would've liked. You've had to endure stomach pain and months of feeling sick and not knowing what's wrong. We still don't know what's wrong. You have been brave and strong even when you have felt like you were falling apart. But I'm grateful that you are here no matter what state you are in. I just love you.

This summer you began marching band as a contra. It was really hard at first, but you kept going. You didn't have as much muscle at the start, but you built and built and built and now the tuba isn't heavy to you. You spent the summer in the intense heat, being pushed for hours as you carried and threw around 50 pounds of heavy metal. You got to participate in competition after competition. It was so much fun to go to all of them. I could hear you from the stands and I was proud every time. You learned what it is to do hard things and found that you can do incredible things if you keep going.

Fourteen and fifteen, as I remember, were hard ages. At least for me. It's a lot of growing, both physically and emotionally. It's a lot of discovering who you are, what you believe, and the kind of person you want to become. It's a lot of confusion and feelings of overwhelm and sometimes dispair. But it won't always feel like that. Just remember that you are a son of God and you are loved so very much.

It is an exciting year for you though. You are getting your driver's permit, which you are incredibly excited about. You are determined to find a job but frustrated that most people don't hire 15 year olds. I'm confident you'll find something. You're going to be joining the jazz band at school playing bass trombone, and that's super exciting! Music has been a huge influence these past few years and I'm really happy you've found something that you love, that you're good at, and that brings you joy.

You've really gotten into computers this past year and have become the in-house computer guy. You're always fixing our computers or improving them. Any time you go with me to D.I., we always end up leaving with a computer or a monitor for you to fix or tear apart. For your birthday and Christmas you've asked for computer parts to build your own computer. I have a hard time saying "no" to you, so I won't.

Jett, just as always, I'm really proud of you and in awe of who you are. I am always so grateful I get to spend time with you. I love that you like to run errands with me or go on dates with me. I love the little moments that we get to just have a conversation or a quick exchange. I love your sense of humor and how you can always make me laugh. Like, really laugh. I love that you are considerate and observant. You help me in so many ways and I always appreciate the time you take to think of others. More than anything, I just love YOU. Who you are now. Of course I see all the potential you have, but I guess part of loving your kids is loving them for who they are at that moment in their lives. You're only 15 once, and I really love you at 15. Just how I loved you at 4 or how I'll love you at 36. You're an incredible person and I hope you know just how much you are loved and admired. I literally and figuritvely look up to you. Thank you for being my son. I feel overwhelmingly blessed and lucky to be your mom.

Happy Birthday, Jett. I love you. Love, Ma

Today You Are Eleven

Dear Miles,

It feels like eleven is kind of that border between childhood and teen years, and although it's been creeping up on us, I still think you're my little three year old toddler dancing and playing and making faces for the camera. The realization that coming up in just a few short months, you'll be receiving the Priesthood, passing sacrament, and attending the temple, it's kind of thrown me a little. Being my youngest, everything with you is the last for me. This is the last 11th birthday we'll be celebrating in our home. It's the last 5th grade class I'll attend parent teacher conferences for. You're the last kid to be shorter than me. So you growing up is especially bittersweet for me. But I guess the positive in all that is that I am really trying to soak it all in: the feelings and the experiences of this age. 

Miles, you are a Mama's boy, and I hope that will always be the case. You are so quick to give me hugs and kisses. You still want me to tuck you in at night, and you miss me terribly when I'm away. You want snuggles and stories and me just to listen to you. And despite me sometimes not really knowing what on earth you're talking about, the fact that you are talking to me about something so incredibly exciting for you, is heaven. 

You are so incredibly smart, Miles. Sometimes too smart. So smart that I regularly feel like I'm not doing a good-enough job finding a great schooling situation for you. You test above your peers and it can be frustrating for you to feel like school is too easy or boring. But, I am so enamored at the fact that you so willingly help your classmates with their math, to the point that you organized your own math tutoring group. You love to help other people achieve and succeed.

You're a good friend and brother. You have friends that love spending time and playing with you. I get texts from parents saying you're such a good kid and that they hope you rub off on their kiddos. You love playing with your brothers when they give you their time, and they love spending that time with you. You are funny and creative and a good problem solver. You love to help dad with any of his projects and you want so much to be like him when you grow up. I hope you are.  

You love going on adventures, camping, wakeboarding, swimming, playing baseball, snowmobiling and snowboarding, and trying new things. You face your fears even when it's terrifying. You feel deeply and empathetically. You love giving and making a difference. You love to feel needed and to have a purpose. You love animals and want to be a veterinarian or zoologist when you grow up. You are so many things, but most importantly, you are a child of God. And you're my amazing son, Miles.  

I hope this coming year, you will continue to grow in emotional strength and kindness. I hope you will be able to mature in a way that brings others to Christ and be an example of goodness. I am so incredibly grateful to have you as my son and I am so lucky to be your mom. You are beautiful inside and out. I hope you always know how much Dad and I love you, and how much your parents in Heaven love you. You are unique and special and I am proud of the young man you are becoming. 

Happy Birthday, my great, big, baby boy!

All My Love,

Mom

Today You Are Seventeen

Lately I've been flipping through pictures in my mind of the past 17 years. Your first crawl, first steps. Your favorite shows: Curious George & Veggie Tales. Your first day of Preschool. Your general excitement for life. Your dreams of becoming great things like an astronaut, scientist, artist, film producer. You've always been determined and motivated by dreams. I've watched you change passions and plans. I've seen the emotional toll of autism and neurodivergence that affects you so deeply. But I also see someone who is strong and pushes through; overcoming obstacles in his own way, at his own pace. I see wonder and endless options and possibilities. 

You've spent the past year growing, working out your emotions and plans. Figuring out who you are and who you want to be. I've seen you wrestle with the Spirit as you come to know your Savior and His love for you. Your testimony has grown and when you share it, my mother heart bursts and I am in awe of you and the person you are and who you're becoming.

You're seventeen now. It's your last year that you are legally a child. But son, you will always be my child, whether 4, 17, 45, or 60. You'll always be my baby. You'll always be my big, brown-eyed boy with the biggest smile and the most gentle love. 

This being your senior year in high school has me a little apprehensive. I'm half mourning and half proud and excited. I always hated when people would look at the crazy little boys crawling all over me and well-meaningly said, "It goes so fast." But kiddo, it really has gone so fast. The days were long, some longer than others, but the years really did pass in a blink of an eye. 

As a mom, I have tried so hard to enjoy all the moments, and appreciate the now; to love you as you are in that stage of your life. Obviously I haven't been perfect at it, but I hope as you get older you realize just how much you are loved and wanted and needed. You are loved because you're you. Not because you're handsome, funny, smart, interesting, kind, spiritual, talented, and fun to be around. Those all are things that describe you. But Cruise, you are loved simply because you are you. You are mine. All of those descriptions could fall away and I would love you just the same. You are the greatest thing I've ever done. 

I gave birth to you when I was super young and needed a lot more experience. You came along and we became a little team. I helped you grow, just as you helped me. In a very real sense, we raised each other. We didn't do too bad if I do say so myself. But now that you are on your way to finishing high school, I don't quite know what to do. I don't really know how to be a mom to an adult, so that's going to have to be another thing we do together. We gotta be on each other's team and lift each other up.

I love watching you grow and work through things that are hard or unpleasant. I love learning about you every day. I love our Mom & Son dates where you to tell me about your ideas and thoughts and current projects while we eat ice cream or do some other activity. I love that you greet me with a hug and say goodbye with an excited wave and huge smile across your face. 

This next year is going to be a year of big decisions, but just know that no matter what you choose, I will always be here to cheer you on and support you. There is nothing you can't do. I am so proud of you Cruise. You're amazing and I love you so much!

Happy Birthday, Cruise!

Love,

Mom