CIGARETTE BUTTS AND SENSELESS TANGENTIALITIES

Sa pag mulat ng aking mata
Ako'y ginising ng ihip ng hangin
Ang sikat ng araw, makulay

Sa tabi ng ilog
Parang may tumatawag, pabulong
Ako'y lumapit sa puno'y may natanaw
Dumilim ang araw

Tanging nakakabinging dagundong ang bumabalot sa buong sangkapaligiran. Ang pamilyar na lugar na ito ang nakaraang pilit binalikan ni Miranda. Mga itim na aninong walang mukha, mga salitang hindi mahinuha at mga salitang kailanman ay hindi mo maririnig o maiintindihan. Bawat aninong kanyang harapin ay higit na nagpapagulo sa kanyang pithaya sa inaarok na kaligayahan. Madilim ang kapaligiran, walang kaliwanagang taglay. Nakatayo si Miranda sa gitna ng mga aninong umuugoy sa indak ng awiting itim. Palasak ang walang pasingtabing kahibangan dito. Magulo man ang isip, nasa labi ni Miranda ang ngiti ng pagkasabik. 

 Ablazed by the rays of an omnipotent light, I was awakened by the spirit in me. The heavens rejoiced and the universe exploded for the hearts of two were contracting as one. This must be the day!


The sparkling diamonds of the water ran across me  and enveloped my spirit! Each splash was worthwhile, each drop was exhilarating! My thirst for forever is starting to be abated, while the filthy past is being washed away by the stream on my body. This is a wonderful day!


The calmness of the gentle breeze streamed my quiescent spirit. The placidity of the wind gave me the life I've always longed for. Like a newborn gasping for its first breath of life, the zephyr I'm taking in ignited my light! I love to feel the heavens touch my soul, I love the way the angels sing above! I love this day!


It started raining earth. Orange and red blades from up above started crackling, and falling down to their resting place. Once alive and green, the melancholic view is but a nourishment for my spirit! They fall and dance with the wind, they die but they are living completely. This autumn drizzle is a picturesque  emblem of how beautiful and divine this day is for me!


For the way you mad me realized you are sacred to my touch, worthy of my trust. For all the delusions of my past I decided to leave behind. For the way you reconstructed my life's blueprint. For the solidity and warmth of the feelings you have sanctified especially for me. For making me see the beauty of life, and for giving me hope after all hope was gone....


Thank you so much! I love you so dear to my heart, and I will never stop making you realize, that you are the most beautiful creation God has ever made for me.


Happy 3rd dad! Mahal kita!

"There's a moment sailors call "slack tide", when the tide is neither going in or coming out but perfectly still.


Two moments frozen in time. 


When all is calm and peaceful. 


The only downside to it is that it passes too quickly.


As much as we might like some things to remain suspended in time,


They never do...


* * *


Man has always been drawn to the sea


But it's an unnatural setting for us, A place of great danger.


Tides, currents, waves, wind - each presenting their own hazards. None of which can be ignored. 


The slightest lapse of judgment can be a mistake you might never recover from.


But a good sailor doesn't fight against these elements. 


A good sailor works with them, using them to his advantage. 


While others, less fortunate, might forever cast adrift often in several pieces.


He always comes home, safely...

It all started last 2002 with a free ticket. Actually, hindi naman siya talaga free. I paid 20 pesos to my besfrenn na nag bigay sa akin ng Gen Ad ticket. Siyempre, lahat ng friends ko from UPD ang kasama ko, alangan namang umarte pa ako. Nag maroon na din ako, naki cheer ng UNIBERSIDAD, with matching steps and all. Hindi naman sa akin mahirap pumanig sa kalabang eskwelahan. Malapit sa akin ang UP dahil ang mga kaibigan ko ay mga Isko, at dito din ako nabibilang bago ko napagisipang sa ibang unibersidad mag aral.

This year was supposed to be my 10th straight year ng panonood ng UAAP Cheerdance Competition live at the Araneta. Sadly, I can't make it this year since I'm here sa North Pole. chos.

Andaming makukulay na kwento at ganap sa taon taon kong pagpila at panonood ng CDC. Mahihiya sa akin yung may mga panata sa Baclaran pag nalaman nilang 4:30am pa lang ay nakapila na ako sa labas ng araneta para mag vigil at makabili ng ticket, na sinisimulang ibenta ng 1:00pm. Sa loob ng 8.5 hours, madaming kwento ang nagaganap. Hindi ko makakalimutan ang pagpila, pagtulog, pagkain sa green gate. Marami din akong ginagawa para aliwin ang sarili kasi wala naman akong choice diba? Nakikipag kwentuhan, nakikinig ng mp3s, naglalaro ng baraha, kumakain, nakikipag french kiss (chos!) at nagtitikol (mas lalong chos!)

Iba iba din ang kasama ko sa panonood. Nung una, mga UP Friends and/or FEU friends ang kasama ko. NItong mga recent years, mga exs ko na kasama ko, kasi nagsimula na akong kumire. ching! I remember last 2004, kasama ko yung bestfriend ko. Since taga UP siya, taga FEU ako at magkatabi naman sa sitting arrangement sa Araneta ang schools namen, sa mismong gitna kami umupo. She cheered for FEU as I cheered for UP. Pareho kaming malungkot umuwi kasi UST yung nanalo noon. haha.

Andami ko pang mamimiss. Hindi naman kasi biro yung 9 years kong naging panata. Mamimiss ko gumising ng 3am para maagang makapila (adik lang diba?) , mamimiss ko din yung pagtulog sa labas ng green gate, pakikipag siksikan, mga buwis buhay na tulakan, mga eksena ng singitan at parinigan sa mga sumisingit. Mamimiss ko din ang mga strangers na nakikilala sa pila, lalo na ang mga discreet cuticle remover na nakakakwentuhan at nakaka fling after. Etchos! Siyempre, mamimiss ko din ang pag wawagayway ng dilaw na panyo ala El Shadai habang kumakanta ng "Let's Go! Let's Go Tamaraws!" Peo pinaka mamimiss ko yung school spirit! Yung cheeping squad ng puso ko: FEU CS.

I hope for the best results tomorrow. Siyempre, I'm praying for my Alma Mater. Sorry daddy Nox, bukas galit galit muna tayo! ahehehehe.... Pero kahit FEU man or UP ang manalo (no offense sa UST, pero wala siya sa options ko), ikaw pa rin ang nagiisang winner na naka jackpot sa puso ni RonRon. :D

Goodluck sa lahat ng pep squads bukas ng 8 schools. :D May the deserving team win! :D Go Fight Tamaraws!  Na excite na ako for #Bollywood! Galingan nyo! Virginity ko ang ipinusta ko para sa inyo! Chos!

I'll never get over you....

This is what I said when I lost you in my life. Everything went so fast. One moment we're together. The next thing I knew, you're already gone, out of my reach and out of my life.

You have always been there for me. You have been a great help in my life both in my personal and especially my professional life. We were so good together. And I want to thank you for bringing colors to my life.

You are hard to replace. And I am telling you. You've left a mark here. here in my hands and heart.

Wherever you are right now, always remember that I did my best to find you, to bring you back and feel you in my hands again. But fate has it's ways. Maybe we were not meant to be together back again.

I want to thank you... for all you have done to me. You made everyday of my life then possible. Without you, life would've been so hard, unimaginable, unproductive. You left inks that would be hard to erase. You brought colors that wrote words that can never be erased, and forever will be remembered.

Whoever you are with right now, I can only hope for the best for you two. May you bring him marks as you did to me, satisfaction beyond unimaginable boundaries. It's hard for me to accept that you may be with another person right now, and its hard to let go of the feeling I held for so long. But that is life, sometimes, we have to be just happy that others find happiness from the ones we let go. That is sad, but what can I do. I could only be happy for you and the person who owns you now.

It would be impossible for me to bring you back this time. We are miles away and I don't have any clue on your whereabouts. But wherever you are, lease take note that I am missing you, and somehow, somewhere in this world, a person is missing your company, and cannot get over you.

There's just no getting over you... My *Bluebee....


*Bluebee is my four-colored pen + pencil I used for more than a year when I was still a staff nurse at a medical center on E.Rodriguez. Today marks his 1st year anniversary of being lost/stolen/kidnapped. He has been a remarkable pen/pencil that has everything. It's a 0.7mm red, blue, black, green color ballpoint pen and a 0.5mm mechanical pencil that is amazingly compact. I just miss him so bad. :( 

Bukod sa pagyoyosi at pagmamaganda sa callcenter, I spend my idle time sa sleeping quarters para chumorva. chos!!! Syempre, natutulog ako sa sleeping quarters for 1 and a half hour bago ako gumising at kumain sa pantry ng midnight meal ko. My shift usually starts at 12midnight and ends at 9am. Sabi nga ni Tyra "the most important item in your make up bag is a good night sleep". So I make it a point na magpahinga at matulog sa office bago magstart ng trabaho.

Mayroon akong paboritong kama sa sleeping quarters. Yung kama sa sulok. Dahil sulok siya, hindi ako kita ni manong guard pag nagtitikol ako. CHAROTH! Kidding aside, mahilig talaga ako matulog sa sulok at nakaharap sa dingding.

Sa paboritong kama ko din na experience ang mga bagay na hindi ko maipaliwanag.

One night, pagdating ko sa sleeping quarters, napangiti ako kasi bakante yung favorite spot ko. So ibinaba ko na ang bag ko dun sa kama at hinubad ko na yung polo ko para di malukot. Tanging bra at panty na lang ang suot ko. ching! Naka sando and slacks ang usual attire ko pag natutulog doon. Humiga ako at ipinikit ko na ang mga mata ko. Dahil isa akong "masan" (masandal lang eh tulog na), hindi ako nahirapang matulog. Alam ko na tulog na ako noon. Feeling ko nga andami kong napanaginipan noon. Hanggang sa hindi ko alam pero hiningal ako at napa hinga ng malalim sabay exhale ng mahaba.

Kasabay noon, napadilat ang aking mga mata.

Gising na ako. Anung oras na ba?! Pag dilat ko, tanging kisame lamang ang naaninag ko. Weird kase hindi ako natutulog on my back. I never do. I always sleep ng nakatagilid. When I woke up, I was lying on my back looking directly sa ceiling. I looked at it for a moment. Until something happened.

From my peripheral vision, I saw a black figure. I wanted to turn my head to the side to see what it was but my whole body is frozen at hindi ko maigalaw kahit mga mata ko. Parang I felt paralyzed. I wanted to scream but I cant even open my mouth. Wala ding lumalabas na boses sa lalamunan ko. Tuyong tuyo ang lalamunan ko that time and uhaw na uhaw ako.

The black figure on my periphery started to move. palaki siya ng palaki.

Duon ko na realize na hindi siya actually lumalaki, kundi lumalapit siya sa akin.

Dahan dahang lumalapit sa akin... unti unti. Tsaka ko na realize ang hugis ng itim na pigura. Hugis tao. Hugis itim na babae. unti unting papalapit sa akin. Nanatiling naka pako ang mata ko sa kisame. Hindi ko maigalaw ang buong katawan ko, Nagsusumigaw ako pero walang boses akong nalilikha. Tumigil ang paggalaw nung itim na babae, at namalayan ko na lang na nakatayo na siya sa gilid ng kamang hinihigaan ko.

At naramdaman ko na lang na may kamay na humawak sa balikat ko.

Napabalikwas ako sa pagkakahiga that moment. Nagulat si manong guard sa bigla. kong pag upo sa kama. Si manong guard pala yung tumapik sa balikat ko. Ginigising ako kasi naghabilin ako sa kanya bago ako matulog na gisingin ako ng 11:30pm.

Tinignan ko yung gilid ng kama. Wala na yung babae. Hindi ko alam kung panaginip lang yung na experience ko or bangungot or astral projection. That experienced happened to me 3 more times, laging duon sa favorite spot ko, duon sa kama sa sulok. After the third time na nangyari sa akin yun, I decided na lumipat ng pwesto at duon sa malapit sa pwesto ni manong guard humiga para madali ko siyang maakit. Chos lang! After I switched places, hindi na ulet nangyari sa akin yun.

Not until last night.

Last night, dito na sa Norway, my daddy Nox and I were chatting via skype for hours. Nasa bahay siya ng pinsan nya at nakikipag inuman. When he decided to go home, we agreed na aantayin ko siyang maka uwi sa kanila para itutuloy namin yung SOP skype chat at kwentuhan. Dahil nakahiga na din ako sa kama, nakaidlip ako habang nagaantay.

Bigla akong nagising sa pagkakaidlip, hingal na hingal, tuyong tuyo yung lalamunan. What's weird, alam ko na gising ako pero naririnig ko yung sarili ko na humihilik. I tried getting up  mula sa pagkakahiga, pero hindi ko maigalaw yung katawan ko.

Then may tumunog ng napakalakas. May Instant message ako sa Chikka. Naka salpak pa pala yung headphones sa tenga ko nung naka idlip ako. Gising na ako finally. Nagtext si dad sa Chikka ko at yung tunog ng IM txt nya ang gumising sakin. Buti na lang at sa chikka nag text si daddy at hindi sa cellphone ko (usually, sa cp ko cya nagtetext). Nagising ako sa text nya.

Weird experience. Ayoko na ulet mangyari yun. Baka hindi na ako magising.

I never knew the logic between love and an old comfy underwear until earlier today.

If children have their security blankets, I have my security brief. Don't get me wrong. Its not a zapp zapp electrocuting, barb-wired underwear. Its just an ordinary gray colored underwear from Bench I had with me since 2009.  It was so comfy to wear it has been my favorite piece of lingerie (lingerie?! ganyan nga please...) and damn I feel so sexy each time I wear it.

Last night would be the last night I'll be wearing it.

Last night was also the night my dad requested me to throw it away because and only because it was a monthsary gift from my ex last 2009. I had the whole night to think about his demand.

To throw away my prized possession or satisfy the plea of the one I love.

This morning, after I walked out of the shower, I took some minutes holding this comfort brief of mine. Will I let go of it? Would I be happy afterwards if I do throw it away?! I thought of still keeping it, and I could just tell a lie to my dad and say to him that it's already out of my closet. Petty lies I've said in the past to my exs. Keeping this and telling a lie must be effortless.

But I realized one thing. If I do this lie, it would never cease on haunting me. If this is a relationship I plan to keep for the rest of my life, I should start from the small things that would make me truthful to every word I say to him. One must remember that in order to keep a relationship working, fidelity and truthfulness is a paramount value one must keep. It's like living your life's creed. It must be life itself. Love, Trust, Honesty must always come together as one. Many would say they understand it and live by it in their lives. But it takes much selfless efforts to see beyond these word's abstractness.

It's an effort for partners to stay true and fidel. But only the brave can take such responsibility in a long distance relationship like ours. It's easy to tell lies, its easy to do deceits, its easy to make up stories. Its also easy to destroy a good relationship.

I took a look at underwear that has been so dear to me.

So long friend. I have to move on. You have been so great to me, but this time, I'll be letting you go.

My brief then found itself lonely inside a black garbage bag. I found myself happy, satisfied and free! The feeling was liberating. After all, it's time to enjoy the new undies I bought! When RonRon throws an underwear, he buys 9 pieces in exchange. I may come undressed this time, but this brouhaha will never make me come undone.

My palms are sweaty. Actually, my whole body is. I am covered with drops of perspiration mixed with my  blood tinged saliva from the blows i received from the previous round. My knees and arms are so weak and heavy, my working shorts is already mixed in a salad of sweat, blood, vomitus and Gatorade, but  I'm not gonna give up this fight and I'm certainly not gonna fall. I've been tested and strengthened by my past matches, all leaving  me a memorable scar. Those scars didn't heal, but they have always been a physical memoir of what I have been through and what I have become at this point in my chosen path. I have been in this arena for quite sometime... 6 old years. I'm ready for my life, for I want this to be my final match.

Those scars...

1st Scar. Back in 2005. Since I am new at this field, I was not thinking logically that time. I want to experience this new thing for me. I heard a lot of fuzz about it and instantly dove in this new set of reasoning. Irrationally thought, I went on to a fight without any gear, no protective equipment or whatsoever for myself. I thought that "LOVE" was all that I needed to win. His name was Chax. My first contender.

What philosophy did I learn? I learned that in a fight, maturity of both fighters is a prerequisite to a unanimous KO decision in favor to both parties. This may sound weird but that's the way it's supposed to be. We were both young then, careless and pathetic. After the first round, I found myself not enjoying the fight anymore. That feeling was premature, I know, and it's a little too judgmental. But judging from his blows and aggressive strides, I knew he also wanted the fight to end. He's quite a busy person and  he's just waiting for our match to end so as he could go to another fight he knew he'll be enjoying himself more. The bell rang for the second round, but I am already out of the ring and on my way out the arena.

What did I learn about myself? I learned that I could not sustain an erection If I really don't love the person I'm fucking.

2nd Scar. Back in 2006. I thought then that this was the biggest match in my life. The grandest. The Zenith of my budding career. I wronged myself. His name was Harry. Our match lasted long enough for him to get weary and tired. 2 and a half long years. My blows are hard enough that it made him down on his knees a couple of times. My punches were precise but his were lousy ones. He never returned my determinate uppercuts. He was old and weary, tired of our game. I gave him the chance to fight back but slowly, my interest in his game weaned off also. It was his fault. Had I known he was cheating on our game earlier, I could've knocked him out a little earlier. This time, his knock out was not my fault. I could never fight someone so weak in fidelity. This game was a blow by blow knockout for me. I didn't only win a belt, but I won my self-respect too.

What did I learn for myself? I learned that what goes up must come down, and that karma boomerangs so fast. It cuts like a knife. I hope he learned that lesson. May he never get Neisseria Gonorrhea again.

3rd scar. Back in 2008. Fresh from the bruises I got from my previous fight, I went on a match with someone from the featherweight: literally. That was my longest match so far. 3 long tiring years. I was exhausted but I would have never given up if he stood up a fight. But he's weak as well. This boy started out stringent, but little did I know that he'll be blowing his punches below my belt and on my back from behind. Of all my three contenders, he is far the worst. I gave him a good fight but he was nothing but a deceitful traitor. I have no time for Judases. It knocked me down. I'm so over this fight and I wish not to see this fighter again. For maybe, just maybe, I might punch him on the face (literally) the moment I see him. And he wouldn't stand a chance, believe me. His name was Shaman.

What did I learn about myself? I learned that I have a potential to be a big time web hacker. :D  Plus I noted that  the "dotted" and "ultra-thin" variations are the best.

I learned my lessons from these scars. I am eternally grateful that even though I have been through a lot of torments, they made me a better, more prepared and a better equipped individual. As I fight another match this time, I am so ready for it. I want this to be my last before I retire. I am not getting any younger.

You are all right. This post is not about a boxing match. No it isn't. But yes, I am a FIGHTER.